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Post by Deleted on Feb 8, 2018 23:50:51 GMT
i feel guilty for the new person, for me, and for my ex. i don’t want to hurt anybody by doing something that’s not healthy and i am not clear on what that is. in the past i would have already made an excuse and bailed and i would be “all good” Hi T, I'm so glad you keep sharing. This is good and the work you continue to do is wonderful, but so hard- i do know. Perhaps you just aren't quite ready to date the new person? You are working through so much and maybe now is not the right time. I don't think its bad to bail in this case, because you would not be doing it to avoid, you are actually doing it to stay present with yourself. What do you think? p.s. normally with my AP tendencies I would already be trying to line up dates to find someone else right away, but this time all I want to do is sit still. I take that as progress! :-) that’s how i feel about it, like bailing might be a good thing. but then i wonder if i am just making excuses. i can see how the process for AP and DA is so opposite externally! i was going to do this dating experience healthy, showing up, no sexual intimacy until i was sure i was healthy and present emotionally, (of it ever got that far of course. i had clear boundaries and objectives in mind for any person, for the whole process. this guy was just the first one to appear when i decided i wanted to try.) hugely conflicted but what what i know is i am not emotionally available right now and it would not be good to lead him on. just to try something for myself. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 8, 2018 23:52:03 GMT
i am not for to date but for good reasons, healing reasons, recovery reasons.
not avoidant reasons.
i got triggered and i need to deal with that and my date is with myself, and with you guys.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 8, 2018 23:52:44 GMT
i am going to go get my hair cut and i will come back.
i will chit chat and be light with the hairstylist a bit.
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 9, 2018 0:16:08 GMT
Hi T, I'm so glad you keep sharing. This is good and the work you continue to do is wonderful, but so hard- i do know. Perhaps you just aren't quite ready to date the new person? You are working through so much and maybe now is not the right time. I don't think its bad to bail in this case, because you would not be doing it to avoid, you are actually doing it to stay present with yourself. What do you think? p.s. normally with my AP tendencies I would already be trying to line up dates to find someone else right away, but this time all I want to do is sit still. I take that as progress! :-) that’s how i feel about it, like bailing might be a good thing. but then i wonder if i am just making excuses. i can see how the process for AP and DA is so opposite externally! i was going to do this dating experience healthy, showing up, no sexual intimacy until i was sure i was healthy and present emotionally, (of it ever got that far of course. i had clear boundaries and objectives in mind for any person, for the whole process. this guy was just the first one to appear when i decided i wanted to try.) hugely conflicted but what what i know is i am not emotionally available right now and it would not be good to lead him on. just to try something for myself. I will tell you, when my ex broke up with me and we had NC for 2 months, right before connecting I went on 2 dates with 2 different guys. On the first one, I had texted with the guy for a week, he seemed really great and he was when I met him, but about an hour in I excused myself and went to the bathroom to cry! I wasn't ready. I waited another 2 weeks then tried again with a different guy. That date went really well but it was a week after my ex and I got back in touch. At any rate, I dated this very secure man for almost 6 months, we were not exclusive and kept the pace slow, but he was such a stark contrast to my ex, I thought wow- he is willing to talk, he is open, he made me feel so secure we could days without talking and it was fine. However, the bottom line underneath it all? I wasn't ready. I longed to be back with my ex (as I still do now) so I ended it with this very lovely person because I could see how much he cared for me, then he eventually told me he loved me, so I had to cut it off. I was beginning to feel very guilty for all involved. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2018 1:29:24 GMT
tgat, I don't think you are making excuses. It sounds like you aren't ready. Sometimes you just have to let the process take over. I had different thoughts and feelings every day. You will know when you are more ready. Hugs, hugs and more hugs.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2018 1:45:39 GMT
tgat, I don't think you are making excuses. It sounds like you aren't ready. Sometimes you just have to let the process take over. I had different thoughts and feelings every day. You will know when you are more ready. Hugs, hugs and more hugs. yes i’m not ready. i thought i was more ready because of the good things and growth i had with my ex. and i grieved honestly too. but i am in another phase of recovery. i think the gentlest thing i can do for myself is to just stay still and experience what’s coming up. i just got back from the stylist and at least my hair looks awesome. i don’t feel shut down like i did when i woke up. i feel exhausted tho. it’s amazing to me how draining shutting down can be when it’s like that. this hasn’t been an example of what i feel like on my normal day to day independent somewhat avoidant but healthy self that still engages deeply but enjoys solitude. this was a real throw back to diffferent times. so. i haven’t heard more from the new guy. i feel exhausted. coming back to being myself. maybe he will ghost me, gawd wouldn’t that be nice. what should i tell him. excuses feel like old behavior. maybe just say something personal has arisen and i am not available? on one hand he seems like a real potential date. too soon to tell. see, i am thinking now, not as much cotton but confused haha. shit. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2018 1:57:22 GMT
You can just take a day or two and see how you feel. I have been journaling since my break up and I can see how different things seemed every day.
You can tell him something came up or that you just aren't ready to date. It's life. It's real.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2018 2:00:10 GMT
mary, this may be a stupid question but is what i shared about being in a deeply shut down place familiar to you, in terms of what it used to be like?
i mean, i used to be there a lot without awareness, now i am only rarely like that if triggered by something.
but rarely triggered.
i was blindsided and didn’t expect that.
was it relatable?
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2018 2:02:33 GMT
and someone please tell me how to tag someone haha
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2018 2:17:41 GMT
i feel embarrassed and impulsively would like to delete this entire thread but i am going to leave it because that’s what it’s really like sometimes for this avoidant and if it helps someone understand something useful then that’s ok.
i will get over it and be back in a better place soon, no doubt.
but that’s how it hurts, so you know.
thank you so much, to all who support.
my sincere and heartfelt thanks.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2018 2:31:08 GMT
mary, this may be a stupid question but is what i shared about being in a deeply shut down place familiar to you, in terms of what it used to be like? i mean, i used to be there a lot without awareness, now i am only rarely like that if triggered by something. but rarely triggered. i was blindsided and didn’t expect that. was it relatable? I think you are much more aware or more in touch with yourself than I am. My avoidant state is peaceful, and all is right with the world. I can go on with my daily activity in total unawareness and I feel great. Unfortunately, if someone disturbs my avoidance, I become angry and irrational. I go from great to boiling in 2 seconds. But I do understand being blindsided for sure. I am always blindsided since I am out of touch. I'm glad you are rarely triggered. I have a lot more work to do. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2018 2:35:22 GMT
tgat, I think right now you are still grieving your break up. You need more time to sort it out. You may be between grieving and avoiding. It's a tough place to be.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2018 2:38:21 GMT
mary, this may be a stupid question but is what i shared about being in a deeply shut down place familiar to you, in terms of what it used to be like? i mean, i used to be there a lot without awareness, now i am only rarely like that if triggered by something. but rarely triggered. i was blindsided and didn’t expect that. was it relatable? I think you are much more aware or more in touch with yourself than I am. My avoidant state is peaceful, and all is right with the world. I can go on with my daily activity in total unawareness and I feel great. Unfortunately, if someone disturbs my avoidance, I become angry and irrational. I go from great to boiling in 2 seconds. But I do understand being blindsided for sure. I am always blindsided since I am out of touch. I'm glad you are rarely triggered. I have a lot more work to do. thank you so much for the feedback,, mary. most of the time, oddly enough, i am very peaceful and content and i am emotionally available. i retain a LOT of avoidant solitude traits and some habits but for the most part i would consider myself emotionally present. just a free free bird but i like to come home to roost, i know my home! this process today was definitely a deeper layer. i have worked so hard for so long that it surprised me, i didn’t know i could go back that hard. made me really appreciate the effort my ex was making with me. i grew impatient. intolerant. holiday triggers for him , he picked a fight, i felt betrayed. anyway, i know what all happened. i am glad he and i still are in contact on a friendly and supportive level because we are still good for each other that way . not being “together together” removes some complication and some crutches and i think we can still grow in a different capacity. i have grown so much ib the time we have been apart, i don’t mind extending myself to him as the friend he so much wants. i don’t. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2018 2:44:08 GMT
tgat, I think right now you are still grieving your break up. You need more time to sort it out. You may be between grieving and avoiding. It's a tough place to be. i don’t think i am grieving the breakup so much as the way i felt i would have to leave him behind. i don’t. we still are in touch. the thought of trying to be close to another person crashed me. like i said it takes a long time for me to be available to a new person and i was able to do it with my ex because i went at it sideways as an acquaintance. i am not ready for full straight ahead vulnerability, no games and no hiding behind humor, sexiness, personality, pizzazz, accomplishments, blah blah. that’s how i want to date and i am not ready for THAT. i can develop a better plan that takes into consideration where i am. which is, wait, post here, do all my self care, relax, hold my children, and play pool and such like normal me. and keep working at it. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2018 2:56:08 GMT
Oh I can so relate to the thought of being close to a new person crashing you. It's why I go so long between relationships. Sure, I can play around but a real relationship will take much more time.
I get it. I'm in the same place right now. I thought about going on a date to see how it would feel and it just triggered me like it did you. I know what you're dealing with.
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