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Post by Deleted on Feb 8, 2018 13:03:48 GMT
i don’t know yet how to tag people but specifically i am reaching out to those of you who are really struggling to know what is going on in the mind of your avoidant partner or ex partner.
i have to make a distinction between FA and DA, as i am coming from a deeply Dismissive perspective right now.
it may be very different, i don’t know. specifically, different post breakup. an FA may have more reaching behaviors and thoughts, more emotional activity. i don’t know.
i am currently shifted to a deeply avoidant internal state, occurring post breakup and while i am attempting to change patterns and open myself to healthy dating. i don’t see it as being related to my last relationship ofe breakup, but definitely related to trying to meet a new guy i have been interested in enough to engage with. Historically, this is where i would make an excuse to stop talking to him. i don’t ghost. but if i were a ghoster i would do it now. This time i am trying to work past it and post on my dating thread to work through it.
so all i want to share to help you understand us, is that while in post breakup pain an AP goes into emotional and thinking overdrive, a deeply avoidant state is like having a head packed full of cotton. everything is very muted, quiet, dull. it’s peaceful, i wouldn’t describe it as happy.
it’s ambivalent and stagnant.
during this phase, i would not be even remotely interested or capable of all the involvement an AP would hope for from me.
if someone reached out to talk to me during this state and they were in pain about our breakup it’s not that i wouldn’t care at all, or be cruel, or anything at all like that. i would be numb like i am with a head full of cotton and i would avoid you because i don’t have access to much going on in me, nor do i feel any internal need to figure anything out at all.
it’s a hard place to describe, but it is an automatic, almost phisiological shift in the opposite direction an AP goes to.
i want to make i clear also, that while my behavior and lack of emotion may seem cruel, there isn’t an ounce of cruelty in it.
it’s like malfunctioning and coming to a stop.
i wouldn’t be capable of any intentional wrongdoing or hurtful behavior even though an AP might be overanalyzing me in this state and thinking i am up to all kinds of things.
Emotionally, and in my thought processes , i am a lizard on a rock with no need to move, not hungry, nowhere to go, i’m not content and i’m not discontent i am reptilian.
i recognize this place as a place that keeps me stuck and not happy and i am working to transform it, and i have some tools and a process to help me. But unaware DA ‘s live here a lot.
i dont know know if it’s helpful, but i wanted to share it because i’m not always here and can’t describe it when i’m not. since i slipped into it i wanted to tell you what it’s like in case it would help you.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 8, 2018 13:27:46 GMT
i don’t isualky make it very far past this spot when trying to date. i might make it to a first date and then bail with an excuse.
the only reason i got into a relationship with my ex is because we saw each other consistently over a long time at a shared activity and we were sexually attracted to each other. that was the opening. otherwise i just drift around on the edge of dating. i don’t get anywhere. it’s kind of exhausting to try it but i liked having what i had with my ex and i want to keep trying.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 8, 2018 13:46:32 GMT
also, i want to express that i have the tools and process i need to work through this and i am not struggling.
part of my process is to share it here and just be very aware.
i have confidence that i can work through it with conscious choices but it’s a process.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 8, 2018 14:36:16 GMT
adding thoughts as i reflect, it’s important to note that this state has nothing to do with anyone but me.
The healthier more well adjusted me would like to meet this man because he is kind, engaging, funny, considerate, and also handsome! we only have spoken a little bit but there was enough interest to want to meet him. i am sure of that.
however i slipped into this rut in a matter of a day or so, and the last interaction we had (yesterday) really feels like another place and time, like a distant memory.
i don’t long for the memory. it’s just there. a long way away.
so it’s kind of like a dissociated state.
for many years i have been unaware of this internal state. it just was and i didn’t question it.
this is the time i would go really enjoy myself in a solitary activity or just do normal life without any intensity, just going along.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 8, 2018 14:54:27 GMT
when i felt like this during my relationship with my ex DA i felt guilty like i was betraying him. it would happen sometimes when i hadnt much contact with him. so i asked him to call me to connect, say just on his drive home, and he would do that and i would feel connected again.
i felt distress at the possibility of ruining what we had by just drifting away internally and not being able to come back.
he understood that and would help me stay in orbit the best he could.
one reason i have been able to respectfully and lovingly let go of my relationship with him and remain friends is i get where he is at, living more often in the place i am now. it’s his more regular state.
being angry at him would be like being angry that a person in a wheelchair couldn’t walk down a mountain trail with me.
being avoidant is not awesome. sometimes it is but not always.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 8, 2018 15:10:47 GMT
in my life before, this state has not caused sadness for me but i do feel some sadness experiencing this now. because i see what this has done to my life. and to other people.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 8, 2018 15:25:31 GMT
i think that’s all i have to add but i could use a hug because i feel sad about stupid attachment disorders and how they hurt us.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 8, 2018 15:52:43 GMT
The more I read on this forum, I wonder if they really want to know what their ex is thinking or if it just comes down to one question....will this person contact me and will this person "come back" to me. Is it about what the other person is doing after the break up or is it about needing validation? Validation that they are loveable, that their ex was/is attached, validation that the person did care despite knowing they weren't treated well.
I think avoidants are mountains and APs are quicksand. Most people can't climb a mountain or walk on quicksand. Try to dump the mountain into the quicksand and it just sinks.
tgat, I'm sorry you are feeling sad. Lots of hugs to you.
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Post by Jaeger on Feb 8, 2018 16:06:10 GMT
The more I read on this forum, I wonder if they really want to know what their ex is thinking or if it just comes down to one question....will this person contact me and will this person "come back" to me. Is it about what the other person is doing after the break up or is it about needing validation? Validation that they are loveable, that their ex was/is attached, validation that the person did care despite knowing they weren't treated well. I think avoidants are mountains and APs are quicksand. Most people can't climb a mountain or walk on quicksand. Try to dump the mountain into the quicksand and it just sinks. tgat, I'm sorry you are feeling sad. Lots of hugs to you. From my point of view, the effect that avoidant behaviours have on AP's creates a dependance, an addiction even, to receiving their validation. They label this need and the symptoms of withdrawal this creates when it's absent as love, but I see it differently. And as long as they equate that to love, and look for it in their relationships, they're likely to find more of the same. They will need to walk an equally difficult path, though their starting point is on the complete opposite side of the spectrum from where you are, tgat. I admire your fortitude, first and foremost in finding this path when all your instincts tell you to pass it by, and secondly in continuing along it despite all the challenges it puts in your way. Keep moving towards that which causes discomfort, for that is where growth lies. Wether it's the discomfort of allowing space and living with a degree of uncertainty (AP) or the discomfort of moving closer emotionally when that is what makes you uncomfortable (for the avoidant). You don't have to go it alone. |
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 8, 2018 17:03:29 GMT
i think that’s all i have to add but i could use a hug because i feel sad about stupid attachment disorders and how they hurt us. Hi T, First and foremost - ((((tgat )))) Second, Jaeger said it perfectly, but I echo the same sentiments. What you are doing is incredible work. You are catching yourself in this state and pushing through to change your course. This is a very challenging thing to do and it takes true grit to keep going. I'm not only impressed, I'm inspired. It's hard to change these inherent feelings we have; I understand, I'm working on it each day, staying with myself and choosing myself, it can be exhausting at times. I appreciate all you have posted in this thread, it is such a vulnerable place to come from, so honest and raw. Keep going!! You got this!! I am rooting for you!! |
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 8, 2018 17:09:14 GMT
The more I read on this forum, I wonder if they really want to know what their ex is thinking or if it just comes down to one question....will this person contact me and will this person "come back" to me. Is it about what the other person is doing after the break up or is it about needing validation? Validation that they are loveable, that their ex was/is attached, validation that the person did care despite knowing they weren't treated well. I think avoidants are mountains and APs are quicksand. Most people can't climb a mountain or walk on quicksand. Try to dump the mountain into the quicksand and it just sinks. tgat, I'm sorry you are feeling sad. Lots of hugs to you. Hi Mary, I can only speak for myself but I will say it is both. I want to know what he is thinking/feeling and I also feel the pull of wanting the validation from him as well. That pull is my attachment being triggered and I catch it all the time. Sometimes it overwhelms me, so I come on the forum to snap out of it! But it can feel overpowering and I have to fight against it. It feels like if I don't hear from him, I will disappear, I feel dread and panic, and abandonment. His avoidant behavior triggered this feeling all of the time, but I learned to ride it out when we were together because of the highs I would get when he would be back in my life. I would say that being with him felt like standing on quicksand, he would come back to save me right before I felt like I was going under, only to leave again when we got too close. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 8, 2018 18:06:16 GMT
thank you guys for the kind and supportive words, it means a lot to me.
in this state i don’t reveal myself to even those closest to me in real life because i feel alien.
the one person i could candidly speak to about this would be my ex, because we shared quite a bit of this together.
he accepts it without question and i find that comforting.
i haven’t heard from the man that i have been communicating with and i feel really thankful for that.
he may also be avoidant, i have picked up a couple clue but it’s way too soon to know.
i simply cannot imagine engaging with him at this point.
it’s a very immovable feeling.
i have no anxiety or fear around it just an immovable muffled stillness. i can’t imagine right now what i was thinking even engaging with him. it’s oike a dream.
so i am going to just kind of move through it.
i have no idea if i will follow through with our planned call tonight. i know i should. well, i don’t believe in the word “should” but my plan of action to walk through this was to just show up. that’s how i got the precious relationships i have. and that i have lost.
so really i just wanted to offer my friends here a look into my internal dimissive mechanisms. so that you could understand us a little. it makes me sad to see DA people beat up on or mistunderstood and i am not trying to hurt anyone by saying so. i really understand how this might look and feel from the outside, especially from the perspective of my fellow attachment injured friends the AP’s.
thank you for all your sincere support and friendliness. it is a lifeline to me right now because i have the numbness but also an acute awareness of how isolating this is for me and avoidants i empathize with. this is i am sure a necessary part of growing but i am so aware of what this has cost me. this state was what enabled me to endure so much, but the other side of that is it made me able to endure and so i ——- endured and didn’t escape. it was a double edged sword.
i am ok but i also understand why people resist awareness because you have to come up with a whole new coping mechanism.
i feel healthy in many ways, i don’t know if this will ever completely resolve in me, but i have come a long way.
i will be using the processes which i have confidence in and which have produced a lot of healing this far.
i am just sharing it as i go.
thanks, i don’t feel quite like myself at the moment but i will be back to the other way i live on the other side of this moment.
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 8, 2018 18:11:23 GMT
thank you again T, for sharing how you are feeling.
I had no idea it felt like this, and all I can say is that we are here, I am here, if you need to keep posting, know that I will keep reading today and being here.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 8, 2018 18:14:13 GMT
thank you again T, for sharing how you are feeling. I had no idea it felt like this, and all I can say is that we are here, I am here, if you need to keep posting, know that I will keep reading today and being here. thank you kristyrose, the sadness i feel because of the awareness is very deep and i am having a big lump in my throat and tears are just rolling out. it’s an awful pain in my throat and also heavy on my chest. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 8, 2018 18:15:08 GMT
it’s so odd because when i was unaware i did not have sadness in this state.
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