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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2018 3:02:22 GMT
Oh I can so relate to the thought of being close to a new person crashing you. It's why I go so long between relationships. Sure, I can play around but a real relationship will take much more time. I get it. I'm in the same place right now. I thought about going on a date to see how it would feel and it just triggered me like it did you. I know what you're dealing with. yeah it’s such a great aspiration to try until you realize you don’t want to wear masks anymore. what a conundrum. but i still have come a ways since joining here. i usually avoid a long time too so i wanted to not do that and i jumped the gun. also, i feel good being able to just enjoy my friendship with my ex, we have good boundaries so far and have agreed to not get enmeshed we just want to enjoy what we value. we have a special bond and can still be good for each other, maybe better. and when it’s time to branch out i will try again, or see what happens. i don’t care about a specific outcome for anything as long as i am living all my “todays” the best way i can. foe me it’s all about healing whatever that looks like a day at a time. |
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 9, 2018 5:55:46 GMT
tgat, I think right now you are still grieving your break up. You need more time to sort it out. You may be between grieving and avoiding. It's a tough place to be. i don’t think i am grieving the breakup so much as the way i felt i would have to leave him behind. i don’t. we still are in touch. the thought of trying to be close to another person crashed me. like i said it takes a long time for me to be available to a new person and i was able to do it with my ex because i went at it sideways as an acquaintance. i am not ready for full straight ahead vulnerability, no games and no hiding behind humor, sexiness, personality, pizzazz, accomplishments, blah blah. that’s how i want to date and i am not ready for THAT. i can develop a better plan that takes into consideration where i am. which is, wait, post here, do all my self care, relax, hold my children, and play pool and such like normal me. and keep working at it. Sorry Tgat I stepped away to do some self-care. but i read these posts and I think you are dong so well!! Honestly, I love how you keep checking in with yourself, you stay with the hard work and you post! I think this forum is great for us all. And I agree with Mary about journaling. I do it too and see how I change each day and its a reminder to stand still and keep the work up! Also I am so glad you are happy with your hair! I had mine done last week and its those little things we do for ourselves that give us a much needed boost! |
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Post by ocarina on Feb 9, 2018 18:45:04 GMT
Hello Tgat and I hope today is a better day - even recognising the cotton wool head and being able to sit with it is a massive achievement and hopefully one that means every time you do this, the experience will be less long lasting, less impactful upon life. Oh how we want to run away from these unpleasant feelings.
In terms of relationships we are obviously all different regardless of attachment type - your relationship with your ex partner sounded very comfortable in the way that few relationships are for us avoidants - it's pretty near impossible to replicate this feeling early on with a new person you hardly know - and even harder when the memories of the last person are still very fresh.
I am not sure if I have interpreted this right - but the kind of cotton wool head feeling almost seems to be an involuntary shut down in response to too much stimuli - a kind of internal impasse when overload is crashing down? I think this automatic response is often what's interpreted by APs as a lack of care following a breakup or during times of intense stress.
I certainly reach a point where a switch flicks and I become unable to function effieciently on any deep level for a while - although getting on with day to day stuff is often ok and in fact quite soothing.
Interested to know how you work through this.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2018 20:34:09 GMT
Hello Tgat and I hope today is a better day - even recognising the cotton wool head and being able to sit with it is a massive achievement and hopefully one that means every time you do this, the experience will be less long lasting, less impactful upon life. Oh how we want to run away from these unpleasant feelings. In terms of relationships we are obviously all different regardless of attachment type - your relationship with your ex partner sounded very comfortable in the way that few relationships are for us avoidants - it's pretty near impossible to replicate this feeling early on with a new person you hardly know - and even harder when the memories of the last person are still very fresh. I am not sure if I have interpreted this right - but the kind of cotton wool head feeling almost seems to be an involuntary shut down in response to too much stimuli - a kind of internal impasse when overload is crashing down? I think this automatic response is often what's interpreted by APs as a lack of care following a breakup or during times of intense stress. I certainly reach a point where a switch flicks and I become unable to function effieciently on any deep level for a while - although getting on with day to day stuff is often ok and in fact quite soothing. Interested to know how you work through this. thank you ocarina, today is much better. the avoidant shut down is exactly what has always happened when i consider dating. this time i was just aware. the thought of exposing myself to a new person and allowing them into my life and space, even though i would like to eventually cultivate a healthy relationship , shuts me down every single time. I HATE IT. so, i don’t make it through the early stages of dating and thus avoid vulnerability altogether. Or i go through a date or two with all defenses up and sabotage immediately. the difference was this time, i was aware and felt the sadness of the impact this involuntary block has had on my life. I see it happening and it feels like a thief came for my heart and mind and i couldn’t stop it. it’s painful and embarrassing to share but i accept the compassion and care that has been offered here and i trust it. i just read in one of Jeb’s articles, last night, about how helpful it is for Dismissives to write and try to articulate their feelings because we sometimes only feel the physical manifestation. i was amazed because that is exactly how i started my post. i couldn’t articulate or identify my feelings but as the day wore on i knew sadness and felt it in my throat and chest. So this all is a process. Ordinarily in every day life i feel feelings. During a shutdown i remember what most of my life has been like, and it is very painful to remember that . I feel sad for my self that i lived that way. i have self compassion and love enough to have to grieve it. I have had many many milestones of healing, and dealt with severe PTSD and in the opinion of professionals treating me, thrived after what many don’t survive. and yet i still have these chains and i get so sad about them. i feel all my pain now, except when i involuntarily shut down. the shut down itself breaks my heart now. but i am don’t better and will continue doing what i am doing. i have come so far, and people in my life call me a miracle. but shutting down hurts me so very much now. thank you for your support. T  |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2018 20:51:13 GMT
something huge that just sunk in right now, is it is only because i have healed so much that i can know when i am not functioning normally!
doh!
yes the cotton head used to be quite normal and comfortable.
but i live very present and emotionally aware now, without avoiding. i love life this way. i appreciate it. good and bad. i never feel the need to hide.
so when that came over me, it was so noticeable and still i couldn’t stop it. i recognized going back to a place i don’t want to be.
the peace i have these days is aware peace. present peace. real peace. not checking out. checking out is an injury and feels like one now. it’s not a way of life and the only way i can heal it is to know about it. o didn’t know about it, before. it was my normal.
Avoiding isn’t “normal” to me anymore and that’s a good sign.
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Post by ocarina on Feb 9, 2018 21:32:24 GMT
something huge that just sunk in right now, is it is only because i have healed so much that i can know when i am not functioning normally! doh! yes the cotton head used to be quite normal and comfortable. but i live very present and emotionally aware now, without avoiding. i love life this way. i appreciate it. good and bad. i never feel the need to hide. so when that came over me, it was so noticeable and still i couldn’t stop it. i recognized going back to a place i don’t want to be. the peace i have these days is aware peace. present peace. real peace. not checking out. checking out is an injury and feels like one now. it’s not a way of life and the only way i can heal it is to know about it. o didn’t know about it, before. it was my normal. Avoiding isn’t “normal” to me anymore and that’s a good sign. That is really really wonderful - without awareness there's nothing to work from - so glad that the negative can lead to further growth. A good sign indeed. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 10, 2018 1:00:45 GMT
i am headed to meet the new guy for a “gym date,
because i am done being the other way at least today.
i will let you know how it goes.
💪
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 10, 2018 1:15:37 GMT
Good luck Tgat !! have fun!!!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 10, 2018 14:33:20 GMT
i did it!
i did fine.
i don’t want to date him, i wasn’t attracted in person to his vibe.
but now i really know that my triggers are about old stuff and not about my life now. not about me, who i am now, and not about anything but old stuff.
i am not going to back down from triggers like i used to.
i might go numb but once that passes i would like to carry on and pick up where i left off with my original intention.
i’m learning lessons.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 10, 2018 15:07:20 GMT
I'm glad you went! Sometimes it's just nice to get out and be social and it's learning experience too.
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Post by guest on Feb 10, 2018 16:00:50 GMT
Happy for you Tgat, way to put yourself out there
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Post by Deleted on Feb 10, 2018 20:56:05 GMT
honestly, i am super glad i bounced back from a deep avoidant trigger , and i am satisfied with that for now.
i am done for a while, i really want to take a break from intense work.
semester is out for me and i am on summer break lol.
i am going to return to romantic solitude for a while but that feels really good to me right now!
i am going to stay on the boards but take a break with overcoming shit for a minute lol.
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Post by cricket on Feb 15, 2018 17:03:18 GMT
Tgat- wow you dont know how much this really has helped me. I have been over analyzing my DA and he just called it off w me again, I think he is in that cotton head stage right now. I texted him something slightly emotional but to him it must feel like a huge pressure text and he never responded. I can totally imagine that it's because of what u described. That makes sense. He has always come back around about a month to 3 months later. I don't know if he will this time and that's what scares me too death.
Thank u so much for sharing. Do u have any idea why a DA keeps coming back for more from the same person?
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2018 17:53:21 GMT
Tgat- wow you dont know how much this really has helped me. I have been over analyzing my DA and he just called it off w me again, I think he is in that cotton head stage right now. I texted him something slightly emotional but to him it must feel like a huge pressure text and he never responded. I can totally imagine that it's because of what u described. That makes sense. He has always come back around about a month to 3 months later. I don't know if he will this time and that's what scares me too death. Thank u so much for sharing. Do u have any idea why a DA keeps coming back for more from the same person? simply put, we can be as confused and conflicted as anyone, and look for relief from our pain too. i will reflect and see if i can give you a better answer, because i know i have one. i am so glad this was helpful to you, i cringe about the fact that i was this raw but i am leaving it here to share because it’s real for me and i want to heal and help anyone else i can. |
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Post by cricket on Feb 15, 2018 18:15:53 GMT
[/quote]simply put, we can be as confused and conflicted as anyone, and look for relief from our pain too.
i will reflect and see if i can give you a better answer, because i know i have one.
i am so glad this was helpful to you, i cringe about the fact that i was this raw but i am leaving it here to share because it’s real for me and i want to heal and help anyone else i can. [/quote]
Don't worry about being raw. I think we all are at and that's why we come here. Your self realizations and determination to have healthier relationships is awesome.
I've been working on that for a long time too and it's very disappointing to me that he still triggers me like this. That I can't keep it together just because he decodes to walk away. I just wanted to show him I am someone he can trust. And then fall in love w and live happily ever after. Haha jk.
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