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Post by yasmin on Feb 14, 2018 22:11:15 GMT
As another FA I can emotionally block at will - not something that is very helpful alot of the time since the pain remains but is buried and without a concious experience - as a result as Yasmin explained, it tends to resurface unexpectedly and sometimes after a considerable length of time. Even during the most painful times of my life - for example the death of my father, I appeared functionally quite normal - emotionally cool and collected, but what appears on the surface is misleading and infact I believe it often takes me much longer than others to process the pain, heal and move on. I still feel pain from events that happened decades ago - these things mark me deeply and it sometimes seems irrecoverably. It may be one of the reasons I fear real emotional intimacy and take a long long time to bond - because once I am really there - and this happens very rarely, the bond remains even when the person is gone. The ambivalent behaviour that seems to characterise many FAs is not me at all - I am just loathe to get involved in the first place - but once I have been "tamed" like the fox in The Little Prince, it's pretty much a connection for life. Exactly the same as me. I also don't participate in the ambivalent behaviours but just make it very hard to get into a relationship with me in the first place. Once attached I find it incredibly difficult to let go of the pain of the loss and I feel haunted for life. Wonderful analogy with the fox. That is my favourite book of all time, it's sitting here on the bed right next to me. |
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Post by ocarina on Feb 14, 2018 22:40:35 GMT
Ahhh... great book.
I avoid relationships partly because it's just such hard work to get to a point where I feel connected enough to make it worthwhile - I can honestly say that my last relationship was really the only one where I was anywhere close to that - despite a 15 year marriage.
I don't cling to relationships as such - but just remain haunted by them - and find it really difficult to imagine how it would be to attach as easily as most folks - and then mourn as deeply and move on so rapidly. Seems I have a different timescale to most.
I would love to meet someone who I felt was compatible - but it happens so rarely that to be honest it all seems to much of an effort at the moment. Am planning some cool things for myself for this year - a friend who's a big adventure mountain skier has just invited me out for a week which will be a challenge, then some arty stuff in the spring followed by an ultramarathon in September so lots of running in between! Some of this stuff feels uncomfortable and I do find myself not wanting to put myself out there or to commit but am determined to push the boundaries a little this year - I put too much of this on hold in my last relationship and during my marriage and life's too short.......
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Post by Deleted on Feb 14, 2018 22:42:57 GMT
Yes, the bond can remain with me as well forever if it was a significant attachment, even if they are out of my life physically.I just don't feel the pain. It's a blessing and a curse.
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Post by yasmin on Feb 14, 2018 23:15:33 GMT
I feel so similarly. It feels like such a hassle to date someone new. So rare for me to feel connected.
I loved the connection with my FA and miss that. I've been dating a secure for a couple of weeks now...he's great but I feel no emotional chemistry.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 14, 2018 23:32:10 GMT
I so agree with what you wrote. It makes sense that breakups are worse for APs, because we have low self-esteem and deal with anxiety on a daily basis (in a relationship or not). And everything else you listed. Being fully or partly avoidant probably lessens the pain quite a lot. Does it mean that avoidants generally have better self-esteem than APs? Is it on par with secure people? I personally don't think anyone with insecure attachment has truly healthy Self esteem. I might be wrong though. It's just that my avoidant side has an ability to forget/ block out / turn off so it's easier to move on. i feel very good in terms of self esteem, but i also know i am a close to secure and have had other deep healing subsequent to major trauma. i think it’s a spectrum. this time around i grieved really in touch and poured it out here and then with people close to me, like i never have. my sense of peace is very real to me today, and a sense of self- appreciation and wholeness. so i think it isn’t a matter of style as much as how emotionally available you are to YOURSELF. which translates to emotional availability to others. and yet i have deep avoidant habits, some triggers. i recognize them and am adjusting. even that last trigger, i moved through “feeling it”. i know also that there are so many other factors. i really fell in love with myself when i got taken so close to death by an abusive man. i can’t describe it. i didn’t come out battered i came out fighting for myself because i felt so important to myself. finally. i recognized my value and goodness. i have grown more fully into that. its a process. so yes i am avoidant in lifestyle and habit. it’s a shell i don’t need any more. i am taking it off. some things will never change. my deep peace in solitude will never change. but my ability to be raw and available with a partner HAS changed. it has come to be. and will continue to develop. its never black and white. we are all really pretty shades of many colors. |
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 14, 2018 23:32:31 GMT
This is all very enlightening for me to see and understand.
I have no desire to even try to date for a while. For me, when I feel low I want to instantly try and find another person to distract me, but I think I have really grown out of that these past few years, that's a good thing. I'm not emotionally available at all.
I recall though dating a secure man on and off for about 5 years, we had a very large age difference so we agreed there was no future for us and we were just having fun. I was coming out of my marriage at that time; at any rate, I can see where I behaved more avoidant and it drove him nuts! when I ended things, all I felt was relief and I rarely thought of him or felt sad. To be totally honest, I never had a delayed sadness either and it's been over 3 years.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2018 0:14:34 GMT
Kristyrose, I’m there with you - I tend to date a lot and it is what makes me feel alive and not bored. I’m often bored by the rest of my life and I find dating quite fun and entertaining. Even the DA/AP drama is because it’s so hard to manage, it’s like a challenge to myself to improve my skills and make it work. I justify it as learning opportunities and put myself through some difficult times to grow stronger (never abusive ones though). Now, even if I’m thinking on leaving my DA, I have not much desire to date others actively. I’ve a couple of times been tempted to download dating apps just to see what else is out there, but I think it’ll be detrimental to my own development at this time.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2018 0:15:30 GMT
this has turned into a really wonderful thread , thank all of you who have participated. i cannot tell you what all of this reflecting and sharing and receiving is doing for me. it’s really really good. @mary @anxious BreakingTheSpell alpenglow yasmin kristyrose ocarinasorry if i missed anyone |
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 15, 2018 0:20:05 GMT
Kristyrose, I’m there with you - I tend to date a lot and it is what makes me feel alive and not bored. I’m often bored by the rest of my life and I find dating quite fun and entertaining. Even the DA/AP drama is because it’s so hard to manage, it’s like a challenge to myself to improve my skills and make it work. I justify it as learning opportunities and put myself through some difficult times to grow stronger (never abusive ones though). Now, even if I’m thinking on leaving my DA, I have not much desire to date others actively. I’ve a couple of times been tempted to download dating apps just to see what else is out there, but I think it’ll be detrimental to my own development at this time. Yes, I can totally relate to what you're saying. I started to look on dating apps for fun with my friends but it only made me feel depressed and realize how much I need to be with myself. Honestly, knowing my ex wants to date, it just makes me want to hurry and find someone so I don't look pathetic. I'm definitely NOT going to do that, just letting it out. I feel like I make a few steps forward, but then a few back in missing him and reeling with disbelief how he can be ready to date so quickly?! I thought he would need alone time, why would he start up yet ANOTHER cycle like this with someone?! makes no sense. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2018 0:32:16 GMT
Kristyrose, I’m there with you - I tend to date a lot and it is what makes me feel alive and not bored. I’m often bored by the rest of my life and I find dating quite fun and entertaining. Even the DA/AP drama is because it’s so hard to manage, it’s like a challenge to myself to improve my skills and make it work. I justify it as learning opportunities and put myself through some difficult times to grow stronger (never abusive ones though). Now, even if I’m thinking on leaving my DA, I have not much desire to date others actively. I’ve a couple of times been tempted to download dating apps just to see what else is out there, but I think it’ll be detrimental to my own development at this time. Yes, I can totally relate to what you're saying. I started to look on dating apps for fun with my friends but it only made me feel depressed and realize how much I need to be with myself. Honestly, knowing my ex wants to date, it just makes me want to hurry and find someone so I don't look pathetic. I'm definitely NOT going to do that, just letting it out. I feel like I make a few steps forward, but then a few back in missing him and reeling with disbelief how he can be ready to date so quickly?! I thought he would need alone time, why would he start up yet ANOTHER cycle like this with someone?! makes no sense. Makes a lot of sense to me - easy to keep on dating when you’re not truly emotionally available to anyone. It’s just having things to do I.e., someone to do. I’m like this as well, but perhaps with some variation - as my friend put it, “im always in a relationship”. And it’s not personal. When I date, it’s simply to take the edge of the breakup, distract myself from the pain and negativity, and just to fill my time. Dating for me was always easy, until I form a deep attachment to someone then my AP tendencies go insane (only twice so far). If I didn’t think I want to marry someone, im pretty avoidant or neutral, and I get bored. I date ALOT but I’m still pretty bonded to my ex-DA through the string of men I’ve had since break up. Hahaha. |
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 15, 2018 0:39:09 GMT
Yes, I can totally relate to what you're saying. I started to look on dating apps for fun with my friends but it only made me feel depressed and realize how much I need to be with myself. Honestly, knowing my ex wants to date, it just makes me want to hurry and find someone so I don't look pathetic. I'm definitely NOT going to do that, just letting it out. I feel like I make a few steps forward, but then a few back in missing him and reeling with disbelief how he can be ready to date so quickly?! I thought he would need alone time, why would he start up yet ANOTHER cycle like this with someone?! makes no sense. Makes a lot of sense to me - easy to keep on dating when you’re not truly emotionally available to anyone. It’s just having things to do I.e., someone to do. I’m like this as well, but perhaps with some variation - as my friend put it, “im always in a relationship”. And it’s not personal. When I date, it’s simply to take the edge of the breakup, distract myself from the pain and negativity, and just to fill my time. Dating for me was always easy, until I form a deep attachment to someone then my AP tendencies go insane (only twice so far). If I didn’t think I want to marry someone, im pretty avoidant or neutral, and I get bored. I date ALOT but I’m still pretty bonded to my ex-DA through the string of men I’ve had since break up. Hahaha. I guess I thought because he kept "dating" me, he was deeply attached, so how could he just jump to the next person? I'm gonna get my hand slapped here for still wondering about his motives, but it's just hard when I'm grieving to fully understand it all and process it. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2018 0:51:40 GMT
Makes a lot of sense to me - easy to keep on dating when you’re not truly emotionally available to anyone. It’s just having things to do I.e., someone to do. I’m like this as well, but perhaps with some variation - as my friend put it, “im always in a relationship”. And it’s not personal. When I date, it’s simply to take the edge of the breakup, distract myself from the pain and negativity, and just to fill my time. Dating for me was always easy, until I form a deep attachment to someone then my AP tendencies go insane (only twice so far). If I didn’t think I want to marry someone, im pretty avoidant or neutral, and I get bored. I date ALOT but I’m still pretty bonded to my ex-DA through the string of men I’ve had since break up. Hahaha. I guess I thought because he kept "dating" me, he was deeply attached, so how could he just jump to the next person? I'm gonna get my hand slapped here for still wondering about his motives, but it's just hard when I'm grieving to fully understand it all and process it. I guess the more deeply attached you are, the crazier you behave in the rship? For sure I do. Hehe. Doesn’t matter kristyrose, sometimes it’s just being ok with the insanity of it all. I was in a spiral yesterday and still some today. And I’m just trying to breathe through it all. I’m Super triggered because now he’s on some family trip with the ex and it kills me that I’m not the one beside him, but this other person. And that I’m not sharing in his life and he not in mine. Am abit incoherent and also trying to work through it. Sometimes I can’t tell if it’s my AP issues or really just not having my needs met. |
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 15, 2018 1:18:39 GMT
I guess I thought because he kept "dating" me, he was deeply attached, so how could he just jump to the next person? I'm gonna get my hand slapped here for still wondering about his motives, but it's just hard when I'm grieving to fully understand it all and process it. I guess the more deeply attached you are, the crazier you behave in the rship? For sure I do. Hehe. Doesn’t matter kristyrose, sometimes it’s just being ok with the insanity of it all. I was in a spiral yesterday and still some today. And I’m just trying to breathe through it all. I’m Super triggered because now he’s on some family trip with the ex and it kills me that I’m not the one beside him, but this other person. And that I’m not sharing in his life and he not in mine. Am abit incoherent and also trying to work through it. Sometimes I can’t tell if it’s my AP issues or really just not having my needs met. Aw man, that IS rough. Sending you lots of hugs. That would trigger me as well, however, we are both doing hard work which in the end is a much safer and healthier space. But, difficult nonetheless my friend. |
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Post by BreakingTheSpell on Feb 15, 2018 10:40:09 GMT
Kristyrose, I’m there with you - I tend to date a lot and it is what makes me feel alive and not bored. I’m often bored by the rest of my life and I find dating quite fun and entertaining. Even the DA/AP drama is because it’s so hard to manage, it’s like a challenge to myself to improve my skills and make it work. I justify it as learning opportunities and put myself through some difficult times to grow stronger (never abusive ones though). Now, even if I’m thinking on leaving my DA, I have not much desire to date others actively. I’ve a couple of times been tempted to download dating apps just to see what else is out there, but I think it’ll be detrimental to my own development at this time. I must say @anxious, that I have a sparkle of envy about this. There is nothing that I enjoy more than stability with my partner, and all the first dating stages lack of that. As for ocarina and yasmin who can block the people out of their memories... a big sparkle of envy too!! After the acute phase of grief, I cope with my feelings and memories by pushing them somewhere, so I work and relate to people functionally. but they ALWAYS come back, weekends, evenings, moments where I do not need to function in the world anymore. Suddenly I become very aware of them, mourn again, and put them back in the closet on Monday morning. Call me naive, but I do believe we can settle down with one person for life. In my mid 30s, never been married and without kids and definitely wanting all that, I have a bit of obsession for the motherhood issue... I know it is something that should be achieved relatively soon in my life. And I am not even close! So much work I need to do in myself to stop looking for prospective fathers and look for a partner. To stop having an agenda with whoever I date... single mother is not an option for me as long as I can choose because I know by experience how devastating an absent father is. I wish I could turn the clock 10 years back and enjoy myself and my partner more. No agendas. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2018 12:31:25 GMT
Kristyrose, I’m there with you - I tend to date a lot and it is what makes me feel alive and not bored. I’m often bored by the rest of my life and I find dating quite fun and entertaining. Even the DA/AP drama is because it’s so hard to manage, it’s like a challenge to myself to improve my skills and make it work. I justify it as learning opportunities and put myself through some difficult times to grow stronger (never abusive ones though). Now, even if I’m thinking on leaving my DA, I have not much desire to date others actively. I’ve a couple of times been tempted to download dating apps just to see what else is out there, but I think it’ll be detrimental to my own development at this time. I must say @anxious, that I have a sparkle of envy about this. There is nothing that I enjoy more than stability with my partner, and all the first dating stages lack of that. As for ocarina and yasmin who can block the people out of their memories... a big sparkle of envy too!! After the acute phase of grief, I cope with my feelings and memories by pushing them somewhere, so I work and relate to people functionally. but they ALWAYS come back, weekends, evenings, moments where I do not need to function in the world anymore. Suddenly I become very aware of them, mourn again, and put them back in the closet on Monday morning. Call me naive, but I do believe we can settle down with one person for life. In my mid 30s, never been married and without kids and definitely wanting all that, I have a bit of obsession for the motherhood issue... I know it is something that should be achieved relatively soon in my life. And I am not even close! So much work I need to do in myself to stop looking for prospective fathers and look for a partner. To stop having an agenda with whoever I date... single mother is not an option for me as long as I can choose because I know by experience how devastating an absent father is. I wish I could turn the clock 10 years back and enjoy myself and my partner more. No agendas. Gosh where’s the stability in my relationship you see?! Haha. I cycle between wanting to leave him and to be stronger, Everyday. At some point I know I’ll break and that’ll be the end of it. I hear you about motherhood!!!! Omg, when I first started with him, I wanted to have kids with him and make a family etc etc. Like I see now, for an avoidant, how that is so engulfing and not loving them for who they are, but more like being with them for some selfish purpose of our own. For me, I want to have kids with someone I want in my life in order to build a life together. Now, I’m of half minds re kids. I don’t want to fuck up parenting and create more of me! And also, I see that I should be looking for a partner, and if we do have kids, great. If not, it’s ok too. |
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