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Post by cricket on Feb 15, 2018 21:00:53 GMT
That is really interesting. Sometimes it sounds nice to shut off emotions. I always over analyze every emotion I am having. I don't like to cover up pain cuz I know it sits there and sooner or later needs to come out but I hate being over taken by it too. Cricket have you ever tried visualizations? I'm also doing EMDR with another therapist and she has taught me how to do different visualizations to cope with the pain. For instance when thoughts of my ex pop up in my head, which they always do, she told me to put the thoughts into a box of sorts, and lock it up. I do this with my eyes closed and even put the box in a closet with a second lock that may have a combination that is hard to remember. Sounds silly, but its very effective if you have a decent imagination. Another thing to do, and this is more of a meditation process, but when the pain hits and you have ruminating thoughts, you imagine a train going by with the thoughts on board. You can get off at any station and watch the train leave with your thoughts. OR, you can imagine laying on the grass watching clouds go by and those clouds are the intrusive thoughts. Thank you for those tips Kristyrose. Yes I do practice visualizations but I haven't done any relating to my break-up thoughts. I will try them. I meditate and do affirmations but the last 2 days they hadn't been working in helping me feel better. I think I need to give myself space to be sad about it and not judge myself for it and not let my head get floated w irrational thoughts. This forum and all of the support here really helps. |
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 15, 2018 23:46:16 GMT
Cricket have you ever tried visualizations? I'm also doing EMDR with another therapist and she has taught me how to do different visualizations to cope with the pain. For instance when thoughts of my ex pop up in my head, which they always do, she told me to put the thoughts into a box of sorts, and lock it up. I do this with my eyes closed and even put the box in a closet with a second lock that may have a combination that is hard to remember. Sounds silly, but its very effective if you have a decent imagination. Another thing to do, and this is more of a meditation process, but when the pain hits and you have ruminating thoughts, you imagine a train going by with the thoughts on board. You can get off at any station and watch the train leave with your thoughts. OR, you can imagine laying on the grass watching clouds go by and those clouds are the intrusive thoughts. Thank you for those tips Kristyrose. Yes I do practice visualizations but I haven't done any relating to my break-up thoughts. I will try them. I meditate and do affirmations but the last 2 days they hadn't been working in helping me feel better. I think I need to give myself space to be sad about it and not judge myself for it and not let my head get floated w irrational thoughts. This forum and all of the support here really helps. Also an excellent idea! Do not judge and let the feelings flow through you. Sometimes I find sitting with myself crying in the kitchen, that as painful as it is, its exactly where I need to be to get to the other side. I'm here for you as well as the others. sending hugs |
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Post by devastated on Feb 19, 2018 6:35:39 GMT
I was watching an episode of Black Mirror today on Netflix and basically in the show you can "block" people (kinda like you can on social media) but in the show "blocking" them means you can't see, hear or remember them at all. So they just become fuzzy outlines in your memory. I think if something or someone truly and deeply hurts me, I have this ability to switch off and "block" it out in that same way. It's not that I don't miss them or feel sad about it, but it's very dissociated from me. Being FA, I experience both types of emotions. During my recent "break up" with a fellow FA who was triggering my anxiety quite badly, I was honestly devastated by his push /pull and confusing behavior. Far beyond a normal reaction because a secure would have walked away LONG before I did, but I did experience a very long period (couple of months) of complete anxiety and desperation with regards to that relationship. I was honestly a little unhinged, so I get it - it is SO impossible to be rational when this anxiety monster takes over. After I walked away and made the choice, my avoidant side takes over. It's been about three weeks of no contact and I barely think of him at all, this person who consumed my thoughts for the past year vanished emotionally from me. I find it hard to even remember him. I just snapped out of it and moved on as if he never existed and my memories with him don't exist either. I know I am in pain underneath, because a few times this week I have found myself crying for no reason. I just can't associate it. I think this is probably all classic FA. We live in this strange pattern where we have so much ambivalence it's hard to even properly miss people or grieve what we love because in some ways them being gone is a relief (if they are already gone then there's nothing left to dread or to lose). It's very sad in a lot of ways, but if I am dating a secure it would never come to this because they would talk to me, comfort me, prevent the breakup from happening etc. so it;s not like this happens every time or anything. It's peaceful though, and is a relief. I don't think avoidants really have high self esteem or REALLY don't feel when it appears that we don't. I think we just learned a magic trick to switch off. It's not that we don't miss you, it's more like we never attached to you fully in the first place because we knew you couldn't / wouldn't stay maybe. Or maybe we are just expecting losses. Or maybe we just aren't very good at feeling our feelings. I think we love just as much, just as deeply, but it's expressed so differently and the break-up process is just another example of our ability to detach. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Feb 20, 2018 0:24:12 GMT
Interesting question. For me it's a lot of
--regret, what should I have done differently,why did I do or say X or Y when my heart was Z, etc.
--hope, fantasy, maybe the person will return and stay, etc.
--disbelief they are really done, being unable to understand how they could be really done
--endlessly questioning and wondering what they did and do think and feel, angst that I can't know
--writing many letters and emails to them in my head
--endlessly questioning whether or not I should make any gestures or never make any further gestures
--oscillating between wanting reconciliation and wanting it to end forever, wanting reconciliation, not wanting reconciliation, etc.
--oscillating between anger and dismissal, and affection/compassion/desire
It's like a roller coaster that is difficult to get off of
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 20, 2018 1:02:17 GMT
Interesting question. For me it's a lot of --regret, what should I have done differently,why did I do or say X or Y when my heart was Z, etc. --hope, fantasy, maybe the person will return and stay, etc. --disbelief they are really done, being unable to understand how they could be really done --endlessly questioning and wondering what they did and do think and feel, angst that I can't know --writing many letters and emails to them in my head --endlessly questioning whether or not I should make any gestures or never make any further gestures --oscillating between wanting reconciliation and wanting it to end forever, wanting reconciliation, not wanting reconciliation, etc. --oscillating between anger and dismissal, and affection/compassion/desire It's like a roller coaster that is difficult to get off of wow you described this perfectly, this is exactly how i have been feeling post break-up. Sometimes I got too stuck on what he might be thinking and if i meant anything to him. if he misses me, why does he spend time with me still... etc etc. It is awful and takes a lot of energy to get off the roller coaster as you said. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 20, 2018 1:24:37 GMT
Wait, compassionateavoid is avoidant? Sounded like anxious behaviours!
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Post by mrob on Feb 20, 2018 5:18:19 GMT
Interesting question. For me it's a lot of --regret, what should I have done differently,why did I do or say X or Y when my heart was Z, etc. --hope, fantasy, maybe the person will return and stay, etc. --disbelief they are really done, being unable to understand how they could be really done --endlessly questioning and wondering what they did and do think and feel, angst that I can't know --writing many letters and emails to them in my head --endlessly questioning whether or not I should make any gestures or never make any further gestures --oscillating between wanting reconciliation and wanting it to end forever, wanting reconciliation, not wanting reconciliation, etc. --oscillating between anger and dismissal, and affection/compassion/desire It's like a roller coaster that is difficult to get off of Yep. Me too!! Not being an expert, I think that’s the difference between DAs and FAs. The behaviour can look similar but the motivation comes from low rather than high self esteem. |
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Post by guest on Feb 20, 2018 5:23:50 GMT
Interesting question. For me it's a lot of --regret, what should I have done differently,why did I do or say X or Y when my heart was Z, etc. --hope, fantasy, maybe the person will return and stay, etc. --disbelief they are really done, being unable to understand how they could be really done --endlessly questioning and wondering what they did and do think and feel, angst that I can't know --writing many letters and emails to them in my head --endlessly questioning whether or not I should make any gestures or never make any further gestures --oscillating between wanting reconciliation and wanting it to end forever, wanting reconciliation, not wanting reconciliation, etc. --oscillating between anger and dismissal, and affection/compassion/desire It's like a roller coaster that is difficult to get off of Yep. Me too!! Not being an expert, I think that’s the difference between DAs and FAs. The behaviour can look similar but the motivation comes from low rather than high self esteem. This is so an anxious thought pattern, I thought you were straight up avoidant mrob? |
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Post by Jaeger on Feb 20, 2018 5:34:56 GMT
Not being an expert, I think that’s the difference between DAs and FAs. The behaviour can look similar but the motivation comes from low rather than high self esteem. I think both come from low self esteem. The main difference is that FA's don't have the artificial high self esteem (persona to face the outside world) that the DA's do. That's why most DA's resist critical self reflection; that persona can't be maintained like that, which would open the door to having to accept the fact that they're not as devoid of need for attachment as they tell themselves. What tends to happen with those who DO critically examine themselves is that they tend to change their attachment style over time. |
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Post by mrob on Feb 20, 2018 6:00:54 GMT
Well, so did I. This part has never been different. Friends, both wives, that corrosive thread of fear running right through. Fear that by letting them know what’s actually going on, that I’ll be seen as a pain in the back side, that I’ll be interfering in their perfectly good lives when it isn’t my place. Who wants an ex hanging around? Who wants to be needy? This line of thinking is what took me to a suicide attempt a couple of years ago. That and reading the book.
Avoidant, yes. Fearful, yes. Totally screwed up and conflicted most of the time? Absolutely.
Jaeger, where would you put the true narcissist in this?
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Post by leavethelighton on Feb 26, 2018 0:35:28 GMT
Wait, compassionateavoid is avoidant? Sounded like anxious behaviours! I think in my marriage I've been somewhat avoidant, but in friendships I've been anxious-preoccupied. It isn't consistent at all, but I've read research that says for many people it isn't. Also since I'm technically bisexual, the line between friendship and romance can be blurred, at least emotionally, which further complicates things. But yes, in the post I made above, I'm talking about a friendship with an avoidant person-- I think avoidant people turn me more AP whereas if someone is AP I can become more avoidant. |
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Post by recovering71 on Jul 8, 2018 1:05:16 GMT
I trusted him, I loved him, I poured my heart out to him. We were involved for 3 years and it ended 6 weeks ago with a text from him saying good afternoon hows your day? I responded by saying pretty good and yours? No response. I sent a lengthy text a week later stating how he left me hanging and that I've done all I could do as far as showing my love. It took me to reach age 47 to learn that Im an ap. I've always sought it love from.men, I thought if I gave my heart and showed how.much I cared that it would spark something in them...it didn't. But then he came along and I thought wow this is the one until he started acting strange and distant. I became clingy needy and angry at his silent treatments. Arguments ensued yet I held on. He always said he would let me know if he no longer wanted this and I believed him yet he disappears after asking how my day was. I've been up and down crying angry wondering should I contact. My world feels off how could someone just walk away after 3 years and say nothing? Now that I've learned more about my attachment style, I've got work to do..no more clingy needy over the top to please behaviour. This man broke my heart but its a lesson learned..I pray anyone who has experienced this will hang on up your worth and move forward.
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