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Post by alpenglow on Feb 15, 2018 13:01:57 GMT
I'll chime in and say that I also envy the fact that you find dating quite fun and entertaining, anxious! You're "pure" AP, right?
I find the early stages of dating the worst, the uncertainty and all that...how do you manage it? What about your abandonment fear?
Regarding having kids, I feel the same way, too scared to fuck up and them ending up insecure...(we know how it's transmitted from our parents, so)
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 15, 2018 13:04:23 GMT
It's most definitely a lifetime's work! I'm a realist. I wouldn't let it get you down. Each person just has to find the way they can be most happy. I have definitely come to the realization that I may never be secure, but I will darn well find that person that fits me! He may well be "unavailable" like me, but it doesn't mean we can't be happy  Nice to hear that you feel the same way I also have the same goal, finding a person who fits me. As secure as possible, but as long as it works, I won't be too picky! |
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 15, 2018 13:07:35 GMT
I personally don't think anyone with insecure attachment has truly healthy Self esteem. I might be wrong though. It's just that my avoidant side has an ability to forget/ block out / turn off so it's easier to move on. It seems like DA's can't truly experience anxiety, right? What about depression? |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2018 13:29:56 GMT
I personally don't think anyone with insecure attachment has truly healthy Self esteem. I might be wrong though. It's just that my avoidant side has an ability to forget/ block out / turn off so it's easier to move on. It seems like DA's can't truly experience anxiety, right? What about depression? I don't think I ever experience anxiety like APs. It seems their anxiety is so different. I can worry about people, and be nervous (ie a job interview, etc), but I think that kind of anxiety is different? It seems the anxiety of an AP is very painful and I don't have that. I had depression as a child, but it was before my avoidance really started. It was a deep depression where I wanted to kill myself on a daily basis. The avoidance was created to cope with all that happened before. This is why I am on the fence about becoming completely aware or how far I want to go with treatment. I have seen people debilitated with depression, alcoholism, drug addiction due to their painful past. It is a risk, that if I can become in touch with my feelings that I can fall into depression and debilitating PTSD. My avoidance manages these for me now. |
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 15, 2018 13:47:14 GMT
Right, the anxiety of an AP is very different I imagine, and very painful.
I also had depression as a child, on top of anxiety, with suicidal thoughts. For a long time, depression was predominant, less so today.
I understand how your avoidance must have been created as a result...I also can understand how treatment for avoidants might open up too many painful feelings from the past. Probably a good thing to be cautious around that.
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 15, 2018 13:52:22 GMT
I have also seen insecure people behaving confident in their relationships. I see it as a consequence that they rely on their partner to an extent in which the relationship is the safe place and they become completely comfortable with the closeness, and also fearless of abandonment or engulfment. They may still be insecure in every other aspect of their life, because it is not a familiar place. Then again, we may not be able to have a proper insight of somebody's else's relationship. Culturally, many couples never open up about their issues, not even to close friends, so the "secure attachment style" may be overrated in quantity. Yes, this probably happens! I also hear of anxious people feeling quite confident in the right type of relationship for them. I'm lucky to have day to day updates of the dating/love life of a very good friend of mine, who is secure. It's fascinating to see how he resolves issues the "secure" way, which is very different from what insecure people would do. He is currently dating a person who I'm starting to think is FA. Secure coupes may be overrated in quantity, I'm starting to think the same thing. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2018 13:59:26 GMT
I'll chime in and say that I also envy the fact that you find dating quite fun and entertaining, anxious! You're "pure" AP, right? I find the early stages of dating the worst, the uncertainty and all that...how do you manage it? What about your abandonment fear? Regarding having kids, I feel the same way, too scared to fuck up and them ending up insecure...(we know how it's transmitted from our parents, so) Mm, I’m pretty secure with everyone else and everything else. Parents - avoidant right now. I’m only anxious with men I want to marry and have kids with. Which is why I’m rarely anxious when dating - I rarely want to marry them. Im usually secure in relationships no matter at what stage, and have a lot more control over myself and thoughts. I would get annoyed and stuff, but never anxious like this. I also wouldn’t rush into this idea of marrying and having kids with them, and planning out a fairytale for happily ever after. I only do this with men whom I feel like I want to marry. Again, no idea if this is the attachment triggering marriage ideation or if I want to marry first then trigger attachment meltdowns. |
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 15, 2018 15:08:07 GMT
Your anxious attachment seems to be very limited to only very specific situations, like when it comes to marrying someone.
Again, I envy you! Have you always been like this or have you become more secure in your relationships over time?
Difficult to say if it's the attachment triggering marriage ideation or the other way around. Perhaps you feel that marriage is such a big step commitment wise, and have therefore more to loose if it doesn't work out? This would trigger abandonment issues.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2018 15:41:57 GMT
Your anxious attachment seems to be very limited to only very specific situations, like when it comes to marrying someone. Again, I envy you! Have you always been like this or have you become more secure in your relationships over time? Difficult to say if it's the attachment triggering marriage ideation or the other way around. Perhaps you feel that marriage is such a big step commitment wise, and have therefore more to loose if it doesn't work out? This would trigger abandonment issues. Mm, I think it’s when I want someone so deeply that it threatens my sense of self. Like there’s some sort of self abandonment triggered. I think maybe it’s gotta do with my notion that when I choose a partner, it’s for life and I’ll do anything. But I’m a person who doesn’t like to invest for free - it is alot of myself to give, if not everything, and I don’t want to give if I don’t know it’s a surety. Hence my fear of abandonment gets triggered. I’m abit of an all or nothing person, so perhaps that’s where it is coming from. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2018 16:59:15 GMT
I have also seen insecure people behaving confident in their relationships. I see it as a consequence that they rely on their partner to an extent in which the relationship is the safe place and they become completely comfortable with the closeness, and also fearless of abandonment or engulfment. They may still be insecure in every other aspect of their life, because it is not a familiar place. Then again, we may not be able to have a proper insight of somebody's else's relationship. Culturally, many couples never open up about their issues, not even to close friends, so the "secure attachment style" may be overrated in quantity. Yes, this probably happens! I also hear of anxious people feeling quite confident in the right type of relationship for them. I'm lucky to have day to day updates of the dating/love life of a very good friend of mine, who is secure. It's fascinating to see how he resolves issues the "secure" way, which is very different from what insecure people would do. He is currently dating a person who I'm starting to think is FA. Secure coupes may be overrated in quantity, I'm starting to think the same thing. I think a lot has to do with the specific people involved. I have a friend who is AP and she has been married to her husband (who I think is secure) for over 20 years. Her anxiety is just quieter with him for whatever reason. She even has a job now where she travels some. Her change is quite remarkable, but it was gradual over their years together. |
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Post by cricket on Feb 15, 2018 17:59:39 GMT
yasmin, wow, my process is almost the opposite of yours except I too have the magic switch. When I break up with someone I am very attached to, I will have excruciating, knee buckling, knife in my heart pain for a day, maybe two. Then my magic switch comes along and turns off the pain. I am not disassociated, because I will still miss the person and remember the person, but the pain is just gone. It's so interesting how we get to the same place, but the process is just so different. I want to know how u shut off the pain without shutting down the memory of them? How do u miss them without all the pain? I need to do that right now. I am having that knife in the heart pain and I don't like it. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2018 19:07:58 GMT
yasmin , wow, my process is almost the opposite of yours except I too have the magic switch. When I break up with someone I am very attached to, I will have excruciating, knee buckling, knife in my heart pain for a day, maybe two. Then my magic switch comes along and turns off the pain. I am not disassociated, because I will still miss the person and remember the person, but the pain is just gone. It's so interesting how we get to the same place, but the process is just so different. I want to know how u shut off the pain without shutting down the memory of them? How do u miss them without all the pain? I need to do that right now. I am having that knife in the heart pain and I don't like it. That is a good question and I really don't know. I am very sorry you are feeling that pain. It's awful. I cannot do it at will like some others have said they can. It's just like an automatic switch in my brain. The missing part for me is more of a pleasant memory of them, not painful. Perhaps it's more like just remembering the good times we had together. That's what it feels like to me. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2018 19:29:26 GMT
yasmin, wow, my process is almost the opposite of yours except I too have the magic switch. When I break up with someone I am very attached to, I will have excruciating, knee buckling, knife in my heart pain for a day, maybe two. Then my magic switch comes along and turns off the pain. I am not disassociated, because I will still miss the person and remember the person, but the pain is just gone. It's so interesting how we get to the same place, but the process is just so different. I want to know how u shut off the pain without shutting down the memory of them? How do u miss them without all the pain? I need to do that right now. I am having that knife in the heart pain and I don't like it. it seems like we all have little tricks and mechanisms to cope with the pain. mine have changed over time to be less shutting down and more “dealing with” unless i have a deep unconscious trigger. working on that. like mary, i have periods of intense pain, but there is a shift inside me where it becomes different physiologically, like a drop in blood pressure. the pain leaves my chest and the loss feels more distant, like a permanent move to a different country that could not be averted. it becomes a new reality, the distance is one i know i can’t span so i view it from afar, with a slight recognition of nostalgia and a feeling of regret. a sober acceptance. if i am having a particularly difficult time and pain crops up, i am able to remind myself i have moved across the globe. but i think that is less helpful than the work i currently am trying to stay focused on, to stay present and feel things and not mentally mute them. |
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Post by cricket on Feb 15, 2018 20:38:22 GMT
I want to know how u shut off the pain without shutting down the memory of them? How do u miss them without all the pain? I need to do that right now. I am having that knife in the heart pain and I don't like it. it seems like we all have little tricks and mechanisms to cope with the pain. mine have changed over time to be less shutting down and more “dealing with” unless i have a deep unconscious trigger. working on that. like mary, i have periods of intense pain, but there is a shift inside me where it becomes different physiologically, like a drop in blood pressure. the pain leaves my chest and the loss feels more distant, like a permanent move to a different country that could not be averted. it becomes a new reality, the distance is one i know i can’t span so i view it from afar, with a slight recognition of nostalgia and a feeling of regret. a sober acceptance. if i am having a particularly difficult time and pain crops up, i am able to remind myself i have moved across the globe. but i think that is less helpful than the work i currently am trying to stay focused on, to stay present and feel things and not mentally mute them. That is really interesting. Sometimes it sounds nice to shut off emotions. I always over analyze every emotion I am having. I don't like to cover up pain cuz I know it sits there and sooner or later needs to come out but I hate being over taken by it too. |
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 15, 2018 20:44:28 GMT
it seems like we all have little tricks and mechanisms to cope with the pain. mine have changed over time to be less shutting down and more “dealing with” unless i have a deep unconscious trigger. working on that. like mary, i have periods of intense pain, but there is a shift inside me where it becomes different physiologically, like a drop in blood pressure. the pain leaves my chest and the loss feels more distant, like a permanent move to a different country that could not be averted. it becomes a new reality, the distance is one i know i can’t span so i view it from afar, with a slight recognition of nostalgia and a feeling of regret. a sober acceptance. if i am having a particularly difficult time and pain crops up, i am able to remind myself i have moved across the globe. but i think that is less helpful than the work i currently am trying to stay focused on, to stay present and feel things and not mentally mute them. That is really interesting. Sometimes it sounds nice to shut off emotions. I always over analyze every emotion I am having. I don't like to cover up pain cuz I know it sits there and sooner or later needs to come out but I hate being over taken by it too. Cricket have you ever tried visualizations? I'm also doing EMDR with another therapist and she has taught me how to do different visualizations to cope with the pain. For instance when thoughts of my ex pop up in my head, which they always do, she told me to put the thoughts into a box of sorts, and lock it up. I do this with my eyes closed and even put the box in a closet with a second lock that may have a combination that is hard to remember. Sounds silly, but its very effective if you have a decent imagination. Another thing to do, and this is more of a meditation process, but when the pain hits and you have ruminating thoughts, you imagine a train going by with the thoughts on board. You can get off at any station and watch the train leave with your thoughts. OR, you can imagine laying on the grass watching clouds go by and those clouds are the intrusive thoughts. |
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