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Post by ocarina on Feb 17, 2018 18:14:14 GMT
A brief background to my story - I was in a relationship with a man for 6 years - with a break in the middle. We were friends for a year or so intitially before any relationship. I was upfront about only wanting a serious monogamous relationship although I didn't want marriage and already have kids so no issue there. To start with I wasn't attracted to him, but we consistently spent time together - he was gentle, quiet kind and uncannily similar to me - it just felt like an incredibly comfortable place to be. When we discussed being together - he told me he wasn't good at relationships (late 40s and been in a series of short relationships, never wanted commitment or kids, promiscuous as a young man.
He decided he did want to be with me and we became a couple - officially ie with friends, holidays together etc and the feeling of ease continued - I am FA - he's FA/DA both of us are unusual - quite possibly both on autistic spectrum. I struggled over the years with last minute planning, lack of I love you - although he did and does adore me, in the end I ended things - twice as I didn't feel loved - felt that he was not really present in the relationship, felt I was bringing hurt upon myself. Both times I completely distanced myself and did everything in my power to move on. I don't tend to obsess or mourn, so I grasped my life with both hands, got out there and did things, took up new hobbies etc I have dated but to be honest it's not high in my priorities of what makes my life fulfilled and I just can't imagine myself being with most people.
Whilst I have been happy, the feeling that this was the love of my life remained - not in a sad way, more a matter of fact thing really. I haven't had a relationship with anyone or any physical intimacy - and neither has he, in the year we have been apart. I maintained no contact for most of it to give me a chance to move on - he contacted now and then and I know that as a FA I was guilty of not really allowing him to speak. When we separated, we left because I felt his lack of real presence was a big issue for me - I suggested counselling which he didn't want to explore and I just left - to avoid the pain.
We do see each other regularly but I have tried not to engage with him - he asked to speak to me a month or so ago and we finally spent some time together yesterday. It feels as always as though we are made for each other - the comfortable feeling of coming home that I have never felt before, the kind of easy understanding. Again I didn't bring up the subject of us - or allow him to. He said he felt very privileged to have spent the time with me, that he can't imagine being with anyone else again - ever.
Despite all this we remain at an impasse - I don't believe in soul mates - but after nearly 50 years in the world I do know that this connection is rare and maybe will not happen again - if it doesn't I am kind of OK with that - and I do think that going back into a relationship will just be playing a waiting game before our difficulties - mainly in communication, rear their head again.
I don't feel sad or traumatised but I do feel lacking in direction - it's easy to be in no contact - to compartmentalise this into somewhere I don't go and can forget about, but it's clear after all this time that the feelings on both side are sincere and unwavering. I am not willing to jump back in to a relationship that will hurt me - maybe there's a place in life for friendship.
I am inclined at the moment to see him now and then as friends since it's pretty rare for me to enjoy someone's company as I enjoy his - I am pretty confident I can set safe boundaries to protect my heart. Maybe this will stop me meeting anyone else? Although it's been a year since we split up and I haven't yet met anyone who I would want to go beyond a first date with .
Perhaps just carrying on with my process of self compassion is all I need to do for now. I am sure if this was someone else posting I would have some ideas but in the situation myself I just can't see the wood for the trees.....
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Post by yasmin on Feb 17, 2018 19:42:28 GMT
Oh gosh. I'm not surprised you're confused.
A few things though.
1. Yes. I think if you're closely connected to him emotionally it will prevent you meeting someone else.
2. I get that the connection might be special but how would you feel about another relationship where there wasn't the same amazing connection but there was a pretty good one, good sex, affection, stability and feeling loved?
3. Do you feel your FA style (like mine) tells you its unlikely you'll meet anyone else you feel the same about? Is this reality or is it also partly the "phantom ex"? Or an excuse to give up.
4. Can you try making a list of your relationship needs and seeing which ones he didn't meet, then thinking about whether you feel someone else might meet them better?
I do have male friends I'm deeply emotionally connected to, but it sounds like you feel he is "the one" which I think makes friendship very hard. It's like accepting a small slice of what you really want.
Do you think...in part...you're avoiding grabbing new opportunities? I do this!!!
I do sympathise completely though. It's so hard and tiring to search for that connection.
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Post by ocarina on Feb 17, 2018 20:05:35 GMT
Oh gosh. I'm not surprised you're confused. A few things though. 1. Yes. I think if you're closely connected to him emotionally it will prevent you meeting someone else. 2. I get that the connection might be special but how would you feel about another relationship where there wasn't the same amazing connection but there was a pretty good one, good sex, affection, stability and feeling loved? 3. Do you feel your FA style (like mine) tells you its unlikely you'll meet anyone else you feel the same about? Is this reality or is it also partly the "phantom ex"? Or an excuse to give up. 4. Can you try making a list of your relationship needs and seeing which ones he didn't meet, then thinking about whether you feel someone else might meet them better? I do have male friends I'm deeply emotionally connected to, but it sounds like you feel he is "the one" which I think makes friendship very hard. It's like accepting a small slice of what you really want. Do you think...in part...you're avoiding grabbing new opportunities? I do this!!! I do sympathise completely though. It's so hard and tiring to search for that connection. Thanks Yasmin that is really really helpful. Yes this may be a smoke screen preventing me having to get myself out there - perhaps I am somewhat guilty of making him into the phantom ex! After a year single, I have tried to get out there but genuinely find it almost impossible to connect with men - or with most people if I am honest - I do have a handful of close female friends but am also quite happy being solitary. It is very strange - since both of us apparently want relationship but are unable to quite meet in the middle in a way that works for both of us - maybe friendship and just being able to accept how things are will allow me the space to move on - trying to avoid him is almost more triggering. There are two strange sides of the coin - some of the avoidant behaviours suit me perfectly - the room to breath, the loving acceptance of individuality on both sides, the unconventionality - whilst the communication issues and inability to deal with conflict really killed it. Maybe it's possible to find someone who has the perfect mix of both. Maybe I am just not cut out for relationships. I could go back to NC - not sure if that would help, I could just not engage ie be passive and detach from any contact except on a superficial level. I certainly haven't and won't put my life on hold- maybe things will evolve so that our relationship will just fade away in the general business of life. Maybe the meant to be feeling is a reflection of my own emotional unavailability - and two broken people don't make a whole one. Difficult indeed - but I have at least learnt that I have no control over him in any way - and that his dance is all his own. Maybe responsibility and baby steps in improving my own communication is where it's at. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2018 20:08:15 GMT
sometimes i mire myself in an uncomfortable comfort zone , because i haven’t known anything else.
it’s easy to stay stagnant.
i am pushing past that and raising the bar for myself mows
i have told myself i am not cut out for relationships but i believe that is a lie.
i get it, i know why i doubt.
but the friendliest thing i can imagine doing for myself is to keep putting myself out there to find what i believe i deserve.
something fulfilling where i can be my best me.
i hope you don’t give up.
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Post by ocarina on Feb 17, 2018 20:23:53 GMT
sometimes i mire myself in an uncomfortable comfort zone , because i haven’t known anything else. it’s easy to stay stagnant. i am pushing past that and raising the bar for myself mows i have told myself i am not cut out for relationships but i believe that is a lie. i get it, i know why i doubt. but the friendliest thing i can imagine doing for myself is to keep putting myself out there to find what i believe i deserve. something fulfilling where i can be my best me. i hope you don’t give up. Thank you - I am happy to be open to whatever happens relationship wise but as I've got older, living in a small community (Island) and with a full life to children work and activities I very rarely come into contact with anyone who'd fit the bill - and even less so fit the bill and be single and looking! On the positive side - I wasn't tempted to jump back into old patterns. Maybe I am over analysing this and need to just get on with life and let it roll. |
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Post by yasmin on Feb 17, 2018 20:39:28 GMT
I understand a lot of what you're going through.
I also felt this "the one" feeling with my FA in a way I've not felt before and I'm also not sure if thats "real" or just a reflection.
I also find it really hard to connect to people unless it's as friends or long distance. I just internally talk myself out of it.
I also frequently think I'm not cut out for relationships.
None of that is advice but it's maybe supporting the possibility that some of these feelings might be FA attachment rather than actual reality.
You're a lot like me and psychologically I desire intimacy desperately but I am also increasingly aware that I walk through life armed with an arsenal ofsm strategies used to avoid it.
Being alone isn't the solution. I'll think about ideas that might help. I'm in the same boat.
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 17, 2018 20:47:31 GMT
We are all in the same boat, thinking that we are not cut out for relationships. I'd say all insecures share this internal "truth".
But like tgat said, it's probably a lie...sure, we do have a handicap, but we need to keep working around it and push forward.
Being alone isn't the solution, I came to the same conclusion.
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Post by ocarina on Feb 17, 2018 20:51:32 GMT
I understand a lot of what you're going through. I also felt this "the one" feeling with my FA in a way I've not felt before and I'm also not sure if thats "real" or just a reflection. I also find it really hard to connect to people unless it's as friends or long distance. I just internally talk myself out of it. I also frequently think I'm not cut out for relationships. None of that is advice but it's maybe supporting the possibility that some of these feelings might be FA attachment rather than actual reality. You're a lot like me and psychologically I desire intimacy desperately but I am also increasingly aware that I walk through life armed with an arsenal ofsm strategies used to avoid it. Being alone isn't the solution. I'll think about ideas that might help. I'm in the same boat. Thank you very much Yasmin - it is difficult to see what's real and what is not. I have plenty of friends and can be emotionally open, but I am genuinely happy alone and often choose this over being with people. With my ex partner it felt - for both of us I believe, like being alone. Not in a lonely kind of way, but in a calm and undraining way. I think it would help me immensely to ground within myself - to really spend some time sitting with myself watching all the "personality" "preferences" and whatever else, just floating past - finding peace beyond all this, beyond trying to analyse and fix. I have a fair conviction that it is from this place that it's possible to be unclouded and free of the shackles of all this fear and avoidance and all the rest..... sometimes trying to work out how to make it better almost creates another layer of the onion that needs unpeeling. So that's going to be my plan for now - self compassion and sitting with what comes rather than running from it and we will see where that leads. I hope you'll hold me to account here Yasmin! |
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Post by yasmin on Feb 17, 2018 21:04:24 GMT
I feel the exact same way.
My ideal relationship would be with a fellow avoidant but one who made me feel loved all the time.
Unrealistic!!
Maybe work through this together?
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 17, 2018 21:07:20 GMT
I wonder why some DAs seem more interested in being with another DA than a secure?
Some FAs don't seem to mind being with other FAs either?
As an AP, I can't really see myself functioning with another AP....why this difference across styles?
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Post by ocarina on Feb 17, 2018 21:14:43 GMT
I feel the exact same way. My ideal relationship would be with a fellow avoidant but one who made me feel loved all the time. Unrealistic!! Maybe work through this together? Yes! I wonder if key is actually deep down feeling loved by ourselves - all the time. I feel my self esteem is pretty ok, outwardly confident, look ok and all that but the fear of rejection, fear of closeness and vulnerability has got to be a sign that somewhere buried in there, I don't feel enough. I would dearly love a partner in crime here Yasmin thank you. |
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Post by yasmin on Feb 17, 2018 21:31:50 GMT
I really think that is the key. I think it's a journey to not being scared anymore.
Having a buddy who feels the same is a weight off.
I've always deep down just felt like I wasn't cut out for it but I also think that can't be true. I'm great at loving friends and family so this must be just the attachment BS.
Let's deal with this crap one step at a time and try and live life without stacking up regrets
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Post by yasmin on Feb 17, 2018 21:34:45 GMT
And it is weird Ocarina. I also don't come across as lacking confidence. I'm happy with me... no problems with confidence but I do feel I am somehow lacking and can't describe why I feel this way.
I do think I am going to be abandoned by anyone I love. Because there's something fundamentally wrong with me that no one can see.
Maybe part of it is getting comfortable with abandonment and approaching it in terms of not expecting so much.
Being abandoned is shit. But I think never loving anyone is more shit.
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Post by yasmin on Feb 17, 2018 21:37:30 GMT
And theres a psychological reason why we feel so safe and home with these men.
Let's get to the bottom of that.
Do they remind us of ourselves? Our parents? Does their brokenness make us feel familiar? Does their constant intermittent reinforcement and love that is there but not fully expressed remind us of how we first learned to love?
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Post by ocarina on Feb 17, 2018 21:38:45 GMT
I really think that is the key. I think it's a journey to not being scared anymore. Having a buddy who feels the same is a weight off. I've always deep down just felt like I wasn't cut out for it but I also think that can't be true. I'm great at loving friends and family so this must be just the attachment BS. Let's deal with this crap one step at a time and try and live life without stacking up regrets OK - I am up for the challenge - honestly sometimes I feel emotionally disabled, as though everything is inside but that there's some kind of wall preventing me from really expressing it. That wall, I am pretty sure is fear. Funny - with the ex, without the pressure of relationship, it feels easier, better, nothing to lose. I am starting to sound like one of the FA partners we here APs talking about and struggling with. No pressure, to attachment to outcome means no fear and less anxiety. But it also means no intimacy - and I know now after my last relationship that I can do intimacy - and that I want to do it too! |
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