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Post by cricket on Feb 17, 2018 20:23:50 GMT
Does anyone else ever feel like that? I've had 4 significant relationships and they've all ended in heart break for me. At my age I just feel like it's a little too late. I've been going to counseling and reading self help books for years. I've gotten to places that have made me really happy and yet I always attract the same type of relationship.
I'm scared to move on now, for What? I'll just attract another person who doesn't care as much as I do.
I'm very sick right now in bed and all these thoughts are ruminating in my head.
Thanks for listening to me ven't.
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Post by cricket on Feb 17, 2018 20:25:41 GMT
Oh and it's also hard when all your sister's have someone in their life and you're the only one who doesn't. I feel a little defected.
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 17, 2018 20:33:53 GMT
I feel you, cricket, my situation is not very different.
It sucks to feel like you're the only one for whom things don't work out.
Please try to remember that you are far from being alone with the same thoughts. In self-help books, they recommend developing awareness for "common humanity" or something like that. Seeing how your plight is shared by many. It doesn't often help because it's so hard to see it, but maybe this forum with a lot of people like you is a step towards realizing that you're not alone in this.
Keep venting if this helps alleviate your pain.
Sending you hugs and compassion.
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Post by Jaeger on Feb 17, 2018 20:44:43 GMT
Does anyone else ever feel like that? I've had 4 significant relationships and they've all ended in heart break for me. At my age I just feel like it's a little too late. I've been going to counseling and reading self help books for years. I've gotten to places that have made me really happy and yet I always attract the same type of relationship. I'm scared to move on now, for What? I'll just attract another person who doesn't care as much as I do. I'm very sick right now in bed and all these thoughts are ruminating in my head. Thanks for listening to me ven't. I'm not sure which age category you fall into, but even people in their 60's and 70's are still meeting new people and finding lasting connections there. It sounds more like the weight of the situation pressing you down at times. We've all been there and it will pass. Just trust in that fact. |
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Post by cricket on Feb 17, 2018 20:45:25 GMT
I feel you, cricket, my situation is not very different. It sucks to feel like you're the only one for whom things don't work out. Please try to remember that you are far from being alone with the same thoughts. In self-help books, they recommend developing awareness for "common humanity" or something like that. Seeing how your plight is shared by many. It doesn't often help because it's so hard to see it, but maybe this forum with a lot of people like you is a step towards realizing that you're not alone in this. Keep venting if this helps alleviate your pain. Sending you hugs and compassion. Thank you. It is nice to have this forum and support. |
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 17, 2018 21:30:54 GMT
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Post by cricket on Feb 17, 2018 22:03:45 GMT
Thanks i will read it. I know we accept the love we think we deserve and thats what is so incredibly frustrating to me. I dont have negative thoughts about myself anymore. I know I can't be rejected because only I can reject myself and I won't reject or abandon myself. But this still happens to me. Yea I'm definitely more down about the situation right now. I get that he has an incapacity to bond w me so why do I still feel a strong connection? I feel like I'll be working on my self esteem forever and it's never going to be enough work. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Feb 18, 2018 1:10:52 GMT
Are there patterns to those 4 relationships-- like those people had something in common that eventually led to the challenges or downfall of the relationship? I ask because I wonder if it's possible there are reasons you are attracted to or attracting a certain type of person (ex: a more avoidant person?) If you can figure that out, perhaps you could either try to date different types of people than you would have in the past and go from there. For some people this may require therapy, though-- like in the cases where people find dating an avoidant person exciting or see narcissists as confident/charming and find secure people to seem boring.
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Post by cricket on Feb 18, 2018 2:49:39 GMT
Are there patterns to those 4 relationships-- like those people had something in common that eventually led to the challenges or downfall of the relationship? I ask because I wonder if it's possible there are reasons you are attracted to or attracting a certain type of person (ex: a more avoidant person?) If you can figure that out, perhaps you could either try to date different types of people than you would have in the past and go from there. For some people this may require therapy, though-- like in the cases where people find dating an avoidant person exciting or see narcissists as confident/charming and find secure people to seem boring. There's definitely a pattern. The last 3 were emotionally unavailable in one way or another. I discovered my push pull pattern w my commitment phobe ex. After 6 yrs of it and lots of therapy and healing I swore I would never again get involved w that type again and then I met my ex DA and after 3 months of him being "normal" he left. And now it's been a year n a half of him leaving and coming back. I just really thought I was over attracting that. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 18, 2018 2:54:12 GMT
I do. I don’t seem to be attracting the right kind of guys. The ones I got seriously attached to and wanted to marry were just unavailable - I also rushed into them. I find commitment extremely scary as well, though I really would like a stable life with a partner. But the idea of being with the same person forever is quite quite eyebrow raising for me. Perhaps that’s why I’m gg for the unavailable ones!
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Post by cricket on Feb 18, 2018 3:33:10 GMT
I do. I don’t seem to be attracting the right kind of guys. The ones I got seriously attached to and wanted to marry were just unavailable - I also rushed into them. I find commitment extremely scary as well, though I really would like a stable life with a partner. But the idea of being with the same person forever is quite quite eyebrow raising for me. Perhaps that’s why I’m gg for the unavailable ones! I have some of those feelings too. I did see a guy for a few months that was pretty secure and I kept finding faults and he kept pointing out my dismissive ways. He finally ended it and I barely batted an eye. My DA would tell me if he was all over me I would probably not be so into him. But you know what, I'd like to find that out for myself. Haha I don't think of relationships in terms of forever cuz that is way too scary. Even when I was married I would tell my hub that we need to re-evaluate every 5 yrs to see if we still feel the same way. Do u feel like you've done a lot of work on yourself and it's still not working? |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 18, 2018 5:52:37 GMT
I do. I don’t seem to be attracting the right kind of guys. The ones I got seriously attached to and wanted to marry were just unavailable - I also rushed into them. I find commitment extremely scary as well, though I really would like a stable life with a partner. But the idea of being with the same person forever is quite quite eyebrow raising for me. Perhaps that’s why I’m gg for the unavailable ones! I have some of those feelings too. I did see a guy for a few months that was pretty secure and I kept finding faults and he kept pointing out my dismissive ways. He finally ended it and I barely batted an eye. My DA would tell me if he was all over me I would probably not be so into him. But you know what, I'd like to find that out for myself. Haha I don't think of relationships in terms of forever cuz that is way too scary. Even when I was married I would tell my hub that we need to re-evaluate every 5 yrs to see if we still feel the same way. Do u feel like you've done a lot of work on yourself and it's still not working? I think I’ve just started and it’s still all very new. The turning point was 3-9 months ago when my DA started distancing. 3 months ago, he emotionally abandoned me and I went nuclear on myself. I had enough self restraint to not go on him but I did think of stalking his workplace and the likes of crazy ideas. I googled the hell out of the internet trying to figure out why he was turning cold, when I found attachment theory and everything clicked into place. Since then I’ve been reading and thinking, and trying to be aware of everything that’s cropping up. I’m not even sure what is “work on myself” anymore. I noticed I still am rather triggered though it’s calmed down and not so aggressive anymore. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Feb 20, 2018 0:48:18 GMT
If you haven't read it, I think the book "Attached: the New Science of Adult Love..." would be helpful in your figuring out the red flags earlier on in dating. However, there may also be the question of on what basis you decide to date someone in the first place...
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Post by cricket on Feb 20, 2018 6:56:51 GMT
I have some of those feelings too. I did see a guy for a few months that was pretty secure and I kept finding faults and he kept pointing out my dismissive ways. He finally ended it and I barely batted an eye. My DA would tell me if he was all over me I would probably not be so into him. But you know what, I'd like to find that out for myself. Haha I don't think of relationships in terms of forever cuz that is way too scary. Even when I was married I would tell my hub that we need to re-evaluate every 5 yrs to see if we still feel the same way. Do u feel like you've done a lot of work on yourself and it's still not working? I think I’ve just started and it’s still all very new. The turning point was 3-9 months ago when my DA started distancing. 3 months ago, he emotionally abandoned me and I went nuclear on myself. I had enough self restraint to not go on him but I did think of stalking his workplace and the likes of crazy ideas. I googled the hell out of the internet trying to figure out why he was turning cold, when I found attachment theory and everything clicked into place. Since then I’ve been reading and thinking, and trying to be aware of everything that’s cropping up. I’m not even sure what is “work on myself” anymore. I noticed I still am rather triggered though it’s calmed down and not so aggressive anymore. Haha I totally get " not even sure what working on myself means anymore" . My head is spinning sometimes from all the information I read and thoughts I am policing. Well I'm glad you didn't stalk him. That really just pokes at our own wounds. It keeps us in a "prison" while they are out free. I tell myself not to pet the porcupine when I get an urge to look at his social media. |
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Post by cricket on Feb 20, 2018 7:01:46 GMT
If you haven't read it, I think the book "Attached: the New Science of Adult Love..." would be helpful in your figuring out the red flags earlier on in dating. However, there may also be the question of on what basis you decide to date someone in the first place... Thank you. I will look into that. I think with me it's more about implementing what I know. I know why I do it and why they do it. It really is like an addiction. Maybe I need to stay away from dating for a while. There is a book I read when I first learned that I was even in a cycle, with my previouys BF before the DA. It was such an eye opener and it totally made me see my unhealthy attachment but still I kept right on picking the wrong ones. That book is called He said She said. |
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