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Post by tnr9 on Mar 21, 2018 7:10:47 GMT
I know I blind myself with my emotional thoughts but to build something secure again with her, isn’t the best bet to try to be there for her? Whether it be a friendship or something more But you aren't secure...you cannot build something secure with someone else until you yourself are secure. Ask yourself this question...are you really wanting to be there for her no matter what the outcome, or are you trying to find a way to get back the relationship? Too often I have caught myself in this trap of telling myself that I want to be there for the other person, I don't want to abandon him...when my real motive has been to win that person back....that isn't altruistic, it is manipulative. Really think about that...because the more you go down this story line of " I want to simply be there for her" when you really want her back...the more you are going to end up disappointed and hurting yourself. If you want her back...you need to be honest with yourself that she may never feel those feelings back for you. |
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My story
Mar 21, 2018 10:01:15 GMT
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Post by wahlookie on Mar 21, 2018 10:01:15 GMT
So what am I supposed to do then. Because honestly I don’t know what I want
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My story
Mar 21, 2018 11:40:18 GMT
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Post by wahlookie on Mar 21, 2018 11:40:18 GMT
I just crave the relationship we had in August. Even before we became a couple, we had so much fun. Idk what happened to that girl. Now she’s so guarded against anything I do or say. It’s honestly depressing. Whenever I tried no contact, I get very depressed. I miss our talks and compatibility
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 21, 2018 14:14:29 GMT
I just crave the relationship we had in August. Even before we became a couple, we had so much fun. Idk what happened to that girl. Now she’s so guarded against anything I do or say. It’s honestly depressing. Whenever I tried no contact, I get very depressed. I miss our talks and compatibility Now I understand why even my guard was going up when reading your posts in this thread. You don't truly accept her for who she is...you want only those parts of her that you saw in August. You are hoping that by sticking around, she will return back to "that girl"...but the reality is...who she is showing you right now is as much her as the girl you had so much fun with in August. What if she never returns to the girl you had so much fun with in August? Right now you seems so fixated on a certain outcome that isn't guaranteed. |
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 21, 2018 14:45:51 GMT
Man...you really stirred something deep in me.....I am not going to speak for this girl.....but for me......my walls go up (along with my guard) when... 1. I sense someone only sees one aspect of who I am...or only sees what he wants to see in me...AND.. 2. I feel like he sees only that aspect because he wants me to address some wounding in him....so it's a compliment with an expectation or a carrot with a stick... My walls and words usually shift to telling him that 1. What you see isn't all of who I am AND 2. I cannot be that person I sense you need me to be The reason I am putting this here is that you may have some unspoken expectations that are tied to August girl...such as...if I can just be with Augst girl again then....fill in the blank...as many times as you need to. Those are your expectations. Oftentimes unspoken expectations are felt as "pressure" and people tend to not respond well to pressure. I think a bit of self assessment is in order if you truly want this girl to remain in your life. Note...this was a good exercise for me as well.  |
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My story
Mar 21, 2018 15:50:42 GMT
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Post by wahlookie on Mar 21, 2018 15:50:42 GMT
I understand, the girl I met st the start was her trying to impress me? Was it a facade?
I am very new to the dating game in general. Are most relationships like this where one person puts on a facade of who they are.
During our breakup time she told me many times that who she was at the start was easy bexause it was online. Also that her feelings were very intense and she maybengot carried away.
If anything I just want answers as well. Why did she exactly break up?
She’s told me so many different things. That I was too overbearing and clingy, that our personalities don’t mesh. That she was too stressed to stay in the relationship. It doesn’t make sense.
I’m digging myself into a hole more and more. I need to get out zz.
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 21, 2018 16:28:39 GMT
I understand, the girl I met st the start was her trying to impress me? Was it a facade? I am very new to the dating game in general. Are most relationships like this where one person puts on a facade of who they are. During our breakup time she told me many times that who she was at the start was easy bexause it was online. Also that her feelings were very intense and she maybengot carried away. If anything I just want answers as well. Why did she exactly break up? She’s told me so many different things. That I was too overbearing and clingy, that our personalities don’t mesh. That she was too stressed to stay in the relationship. It doesn’t make sense. I’m digging myself into a hole more and more. I need to get out zz. Honestly...read what she told you 1. She was able to be "that girl" in August because you both did not really know each other. She probably made some assumptions about you, just as you probably made some assumptions about her 2. When things got "real"...you triggering her, she triggering you....that is when she told you her new experiences of you....that she experienced you as clingy and overbearing. Her reaction to feeling that you were clingy and overbearing is that she became stressed...and as a result of that stress, she determined the two of you are not currently compatible. She wasn't presenting you with a facade...no more so then you were presenting her with a facade. You were both coming to this relationship with different expectations and unfortunately.....those expectations of each other triggered each other. It happens all the time....we want a person to be a certain way, we think they are...then they show us another side of themselves and we wonder why they aren't 100% the person we initially thought they were. It doesn't mean you are bad...it doesn't mean that she played you...it means that you both want different things right now. Honestly....the best thing you can do is stop trying so very hard to get her back to the girl you knew....let her be who she is and shift your focus back to you. What do you need to work on...not to win her back, but so that you can become a more secure individual all on your own. |
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 21, 2018 19:06:57 GMT
Now I understand why even my guard was going up when reading your posts in this thread. You don't truly accept her for who she is...you want only those parts of her that you saw in August. You are hoping that by sticking around, she will return back to "that girl"...but the reality is...who she is showing you right now is as much her as the girl you had so much fun with in August. What if she never returns to the girl you had so much fun with in August? Right now you seems so fixated on a certain outcome that isn't guaranteed. This, so much. tnr9 , if you don't mind elaborating - what would your partner have to do to 'prove' to you that they are seeing you for all you really are and accepting it? I ask because I felt I was in a losing battle with my ex FA trying to understand his contradicting behaviour. He would often lash out and accuse me of trying to change him when I was actually trying to reassure him I wasn't going anywhere. I felt like he had some very selective hearing most of the time. For instance, once I confessed to him it was difficult to know what he wanted to talk to me about because he would change so many topics within 5 minutes, but then would get mad at me straight away before I could even respond to one of the topics by saying I didn't want to talk to him! Sometimes he would say he could contradict or talk about a million things at once so that people would never really know what he is thinking or know the real him. This just baffled me. How can you expect to build a relationship with someone if you continually confuse them or put them through endless 'tests'? The sad thing is, I was beginning to feel more secure in the relationship the more vulnerable he got, it was honestly touching to see him warts and all - and then he ended it all just as our rockiness seemed to stabilise! Hey Amblin....first off...I am not FA...I tend to be AP or DA depending on the other person's attachment style. We all have that capacity to be either anxious or avoidant...it just depends on how in touch you are with those attributes within yourself. My first thought is to wonder if there isn't something else going on with him....it seems that if he has a lot of different strings of thought going on that quickly...that may speak to something other than an attachment style issue. Same thing with his distractibility....select listening.....that likely isn't related to his attachment style either. As far as his reaction to your reassurances.....can you provide a bit more information? What specifically did you say to him? |
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Post by wahlookie on Mar 24, 2018 12:27:32 GMT
Sadly, i know what most of you guys saying is right. this entire relationship has gotten me depressed in a way about life. The constant push-pull after the initial first 3 months of intense feelings has made me very insecure in general. I thought so much about what i did wrong in a specific instance. the entire week just relived in my head, hours and HOURS of constant analysis. At the end i dont know why she did it, for what exact reason and i probably will never know. but In general i do overthink and over analyze situations, its helped me and hurt me in many ways throughout my life.
I dont know exactly if i can summarize an entire persona under one label. whether she be FA Or not, i realize every human is different and circumstance is different. thats why i hold out on some hope that we can rekindle what we once had. but i dont know if i have the patience. She is nice to me for a bit and then asks me for a favor yesterday. I dont know what to think. am i just a source of attention for her? an emotional sponge that she can rely on for financial purposes? i will never really figure her out and i guess its foolish for me to try and learn? what is it with FA people where they show so much love for someone at some point and then slowly the person they loved becomes just another individual, someone that annoys them and they lose all respect for? i wonder if its specifically me that triggers this or was it actually her being FA.
I go out in the world and see all these couples and people enjoying life and meanwhile i am just sitting here depressed, constantly chasing someone that i dont think mutually likes me the same way, whether it be amount or substance. how do i stop this cycle? i have never abandoned anyone in my life that i love for and care for. why is it any different here? these r the thoughts that plague my head on the daily. what about all the amazing stuff she said at the beginning? the promises of never hurting me, never abandoning me. i am worried about getting into a new relationship, whether i will meet the same demise. go headfirst into something, believe what the other person says in my emotional state and get hurt again.
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 26, 2018 1:02:00 GMT
Sadly, i know what most of you guys saying is right. this entire relationship has gotten me depressed in a way about life. The constant push-pull after the initial first 3 months of intense feelings has made me very insecure in general. I thought so much about what i did wrong in a specific instance. the entire week just relived in my head, hours and HOURS of constant analysis. At the end i dont know why she did it, for what exact reason and i probably will never know. but In general i do overthink and over analyze situations, its helped me and hurt me in many ways throughout my life. I dont know exactly if i can summarize an entire persona under one label. whether she be FA Or not, i realize every human is different and circumstance is different. thats why i hold out on some hope that we can rekindle what we once had. but i dont know if i have the patience. She is nice to me for a bit and then asks me for a favor yesterday. I dont know what to think. am i just a source of attention for her? an emotional sponge that she can rely on for financial purposes? i will never really figure her out and i guess its foolish for me to try and learn? what is it with FA people where they show so much love for someone at some point and then slowly the person they loved becomes just another individual, someone that annoys them and they lose all respect for? i wonder if its specifically me that triggers this or was it actually her being FA. I go out in the world and see all these couples and people enjoying life and meanwhile i am just sitting here depressed, constantly chasing someone that i dont think mutually likes me the same way, whether it be amount or substance. how do i stop this cycle? i have never abandoned anyone in my life that i love for and care for. why is it any different here? these r the thoughts that plague my head on the daily. what about all the amazing stuff she said at the beginning? the promises of never hurting me, never abandoning me. i am worried about getting into a new relationship, whether i will meet the same demise. go headfirst into something, believe what the other person says in my emotional state and get hurt again. You could analyze the situation (and her) to death.....although to some degree it may make sense...you have no control over her or her actions...you do however have complete control over yourself. So the right line of questioning is...why was/am I attracted to someone who cannot commit to this for the long run. Dwelling on her and the past will not change the future...but focusing on you and in the now allows you to see what steps you may want to take. The opposite end from abandonment is smothering.....I get the sense from some of your other posts that she felt smothered by you. Have any other girls noted this about you? If that is a trend, you may want to explore that. |
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 26, 2018 1:10:10 GMT
Hey tnr9 , my apologies - I think I got you mixed up because you've popped up a lot in the FA forums. You are right though, I know he is suffering from some depression and I highly suspect a few other issues that are limiting his capacity to deal (or want to deal) with true intimacy. But he ticks so many of the FA boxes, I guess all combined just makes it worse. A total unworkable situation. I would say the things any stable person confident in their feelings would - I really like you, I want to be with you, I'm not going anywhere, I know you are going through a hard time, you don't have to be afraid, I know what I want (and that's you!), why are you so upset, can you help me understand how I've made you feel, how can we work through this together? etc etc etc Well, guess you can only say so much to a brick wall who won't absorb it, hey? The saying "You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink" applies here I think....he is ultimately responsible for his happiness...he is ultimately responsible to state his needs/fears in a way that you can understand. Honestly Amblin....it sounds like you really tried to meet him more than half way...but sometimes people are so entrenched in their patterns that it really takes a professional to move the needle. There are likely bunches of people who would love a friend/girlfriend like you who is committed to supporting them through their toughest moments. Who knows, once he knows his support system has moved on, maybe he will be inspired to make changes. I am sorry that you are going through this. Hugs. |
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My story
Mar 26, 2018 13:39:53 GMT
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Post by wahlookie on Mar 26, 2018 13:39:53 GMT
I can definitely see that I am smothering her. However I feel a lot of my smothering was after she suddenly changed her mind. I was very secure with her. I never usually get jealous or anything. She has a lot of guy friends and I was fine with her hanging out with them and stuff.
The problem is that the day she suddenly Seemed like she got cold feet and abandoned me, I became really insecure and overbearing in response. I didn’t understand what happened to the girl I knew from before. Why she suddenly changed overnight. And it just triggered my insecurities tenfold. I think that in turn made me really obsessive and clingy and anxious.
My question is now I’ve read all Of these posts. I know the issue st hand. I can’t expect her to be the same Girl she was to me in August. Whether it be because she views me differently now or she lost trust.
My question is now there are two options for me. Either go no contact with her and slowly move out of her life. With this I will lose someone I really enjoy talking to and spending time with. But truth be told we barely spend time anyways so it’s not like I’m losing much anyways. My problem is when I tried this before it became so painful. I reAd many posts about fearful avoidants and saw some
People recommend that the best way to deal with them is to be stable and secure and patient and wait for them to trust you.
And that is option two. To stay as friends. Be patient and secure and spend time with her as a friend and loyal. Not to abandon her etc.
what do I do? That’s what I’m lost about. If I leave her and go no contact, part of my brain will always wonder what would happen if I was patient and stable and there for her. You guys have to realize I’ve never been so close to someone before in my life. I’ve never truly felt this feeling towards someone besides her and it’s a scary feeling to prospectively lose that.
This is the paradox in my head. The issue with staying friends is that I just wait for her every day. Wait for that message, wait for her to want to spend time. Eveetrhinf is done on her accord and it’s a bit depressing at times. When she reaches out, I get happy and when she pulls away, I get sad. I just don’t know what to do. If I message her and tell her it’s too painful, what do I say in that?
I really appreacite the replies. This is so stressful for me. I will take any advice possible. I just need to really understand the situation. R there any success stories of dealing with an FA ex that randomly broke up?
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 27, 2018 1:44:19 GMT
I can definitely see that I am smothering her. However I feel a lot of my smothering was after she suddenly changed her mind. I was very secure with her. I never usually get jealous or anything. She has a lot of guy friends and I was fine with her hanging out with them and stuff. The problem is that the day she suddenly Seemed like she got cold feet and abandoned me, I became really insecure and overbearing in response. I didn’t understand what happened to the girl I knew from before. Why she suddenly changed overnight. And it just triggered my insecurities tenfold. I think that in turn made me really obsessive and clingy and anxious. My question is now I’ve read all Of these posts. I know the issue st hand. I can’t expect her to be the same Girl she was to me in August. Whether it be because she views me differently now or she lost trust. My question is now there are two options for me. Either go no contact with her and slowly move out of her life. With this I will lose someone I really enjoy talking to and spending time with. But truth be told we barely spend time anyways so it’s not like I’m losing much anyways. My problem is when I tried this before it became so painful. I reAd many posts about fearful avoidants and saw some People recommend that the best way to deal with them is to be stable and secure and patient and wait for them to trust you. And that is option two. To stay as friends. Be patient and secure and spend time with her as a friend and loyal. Not to abandon her etc. what do I do? That’s what I’m lost about. If I leave her and go no contact, part of my brain will always wonder what would happen if I was patient and stable and there for her. You guys have to realize I’ve never been so close to someone before in my life. I’ve never truly felt this feeling towards someone besides her and it’s a scary feeling to prospectively lose that. This is the paradox in my head. The issue with staying friends is that I just wait for her every day. Wait for that message, wait for her to want to spend time. Eveetrhinf is done on her accord and it’s a bit depressing at times. When she reaches out, I get happy and when she pulls away, I get sad. I just don’t know what to do. If I message her and tell her it’s too painful, what do I say in that? I really appreacite the replies. This is so stressful for me. I will take any advice possible. I just need to really understand the situation. R there any success stories of dealing with an FA ex that randomly broke up? I think there is an option in between the two above...give yourself 30 days....maybe more but at least 30 days where you do not contact her. Anytime you think of her....snap a rubber band....remind yourself that this is your time to work on yourself. Do the things you love, spend time with friends, find that secure man again.....after you have had enough time...then you consider what to do about her. |
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My story
Mar 27, 2018 3:20:17 GMT
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Post by wahlookie on Mar 27, 2018 3:20:17 GMT
And what if she messages me?
What do I tell her?
I know she will message me if I just don’t send her any message at all
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 27, 2018 11:21:06 GMT
And what if she messages me? What do I tell her? I know she will message me if I just don’t send her any message at all You have options....you can either ignore her messages or you can tell her you are taking time to work on yourself and you will contact her when you are ready. You are the only one who can decide which path works best for you. |
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