Post by wahlookie on Mar 1, 2018 20:28:23 GMT
My story starts in July. I was at a work party and met a girl that was friends with one of my coworkers. I wasn't really looking for anything at the start of the night but we started talking and dancing and it was magical. Normally i'm very picky about the girls that i get interested about but this one was very enjoyable to hang out with. I didnt want to do anything that night but i got her number before the night was over. She immediately messaged me in the morning and we started chatting here and there.
I've only had one girlfriend before and never really dated much. ive always been a workaholic and tried super hard in college and high school. The work party was in LA but I live over on the East coast. We started an online companionship of sorts. we both love video games and started playing online game together. I started to definitely get feelings for her after the first week. We would message each other a shit ton and honestly spent a lot of time together. I told her after a week and a half(im normally a blunt/honest person and i dont like to play games) that I have feelings for her. Initially she seemed very hesitant. She is still in college (around age 27~) after dropping out originally. she went back to a community college.
She said she is too busy in her life atm to have a relationship and wants to just stay friends. I was a bit sad when she said that and she could definitely tell that i was. Later that night i told her its fine being friends especially because I dont want her out of my life. Regardless what would happen, at the time i thought i genuinely enjoyed her company and dont want to just abandon her if she doesnt have feelings for me. Another week passed and honestly we became closer and closer. ive never really been so close to someone. Normally im an insecure person and Id say i have anxious attachment. However ive learned from my past (my past gf had narcissistic personality disorder and that was a huge emotional rollercoaster) and tried my hardest to be secure. I started finding out about her past. She has a horrible relationship with her father. she told me stories of how he would emotionally abuse her and her mom. I think growing up itself gave her a lot of mistrust for the men in her life. She told me stories about her past relationships too. the general theme was that most of them took advantage of her and she has a general distrust for guys in the dating world. She shared how she has had issues keeping jobs (shes had like 12 jobs) and doesnt really know what she wants to do career wise. Anyways, at the time i didnt take too much stock into all this but i kept being her friend and eventually after around 3-4 weeks since we met, she admitted she had feelings for me too. it was long distance so she was a bit worried but she said she never felt someone she could trust as much as me. She said amazing things, how most of the guys in her past were mistrustful, not caring and not nearly as emotional as me. normally she liked strong men that werent that emotional but she said i was different and showed me how some1 can be caring and loving and sweet. I got swept up in all of it and eventaully 2-3 weeks after she admitted she had feelings for me, we agreed to try to commit to an actual relationship (this was all online). She was a bit hesitant at first to commit so fast but she trusted me. I remember her being a bit worried (can we just wait? cant we date first and see how we are in real life) However i told her i strongly feel we will be fine and everything just seems so perfect. keep in mind im really new to relationships and looking past, everything did happen so fast and it was all so intense.
I was really excited, it was like i met the love of my life. We planned all these amazing adventures with each other. Eventually i had a week break from work and planned a trip to see her. The first 2 days were amazing. it was like we were the perfect couple. The third day is where it all went wrong. We were going back home from dinner and i got a call from work. my boss said that there might be some layoffs and i became very stressed. normally i do get stressed and overthink situations very easily. Im sure she could sense it. she tried to comfort me but at the time i got very emotional. The job was a big deal for me and possibility of losing it was painful to hear. At the same time she had to go work the night shift so she gave me a hug and said "sorry i have to go" and left me off at her house. I was a bit stressed trying to deal with the situation at work and eventually after 3-4 hours she called me. she told me she wanted to come back and talk about something important. I started getting stressed (shit day right) and she came back and told me that she wants to take a step back in the relationship. "think about things" she said. \
Well me being in my stressful emotional state, became really sad. It sounded like a breakup and she just refused all intimate advances after. I had 2 days left with her til i had to go back and lets just say it was 2 painful days. She completely changed, its like she was a different person. the 'loving, sweet' person that i knew became someone else. she had no patience for me. and meanwhile i was just very confused with the whole situation. I know i made mistakes, i became very clingy and needy and desperate at the time, even trying to beg her to stay but she kept saying the same thing. "stop forcing it, lets see what happens"
I finally went home and our relationship was just upside down. we would argue and fight a lot, i would keep asking her why she did what she did. it was just so confusing. thinking back i definitely did not give her the space that she wanted. but in my defense literally the day before she was madly into me and it felt like we were in love. then it just suddenly changed. I went into full depression. she eventually broke up entirely 2 weeks after saying that she doesnt see a relationship with me, that i went 'all in' on the relationship and came off as too overbearing. My anxious attachment definitely did come out in this period but it didnt help that the person that i was literlaly best friends with abandoned me and totally changed.
I didnt really know what to do at the time and i took her agreement of 'being friends' it was a mistake because the next few weeks was just this constant push-pull. When i became distant, she would become closer, message me more. and when i became closer, she would pull away. my brain was confused and i would send her some messages asking for her back and it would just end up in a huge argument where she told me she wants to only be friends. I had a lot of thinking at the time and read up on attachment theory. I dont know exactly but it does sound like she has fearful avoidant attachment. I remember when her friend was living with her for 3 weeks. At the start she would be like "im so happy to have my friend keep me company" 3 weeks later and she would constantly say how her friend is so smothering and intrusive and annoying. eventually she kicked her friend out (she is independent and lives alone and has been for a few years)
Its like she didnt want to lose me as well. whether as a friend or something more, i dont know. but she did try to reach out after a few days. The trend would be argument ->ghosting me for a few days -> message me again saying that i dont change and have to give her space. and we became closer again and it would just go back to an argument at some point.
My next step was to just straight up tell her that i cant just be friends. It was getting too painful, seeing the snaps and instagram posts. getting all paranoid (is that some guy shes dating?) I told her around 4 weeks ago that we cant be friends because i still have feelings for her. she gave a blank "ok" and it felt like she moved on. Lets just say it was like going into withdrawal from a drug. Part of me knows she would reach out but i didnt know when. It felt like she wasnt going to and i tried my hardest to keep the no contact to move on. Eventually I caved and sent her a message 2 weeks ago. It felt so painful to lose someone i was so close to and after reading up on fearful avoidants, i didnt want to just abandon her like the people before her in her life. i really genuinely care about her and dont just want her for selfish needs. She said "sure" and didnt send another message. 2 weeks went by and yesterday she sent a message. "hope you're well." it resulted in a short conversation between us where we both told each other that we miss each other. she told me she is going through low form of depression atm becuase she doesnt know what she wants to do in her life. it felt like one of our original emotional talks and i felt happy she was trusting me with her own emotions. ( know its hard for her)
she also told me to tell her when im in town so we can go out to eat.
My question right now is whether I should keep trying to rebuild what we had before. At the start we became friends and she trusted me and it eventually led into her having feelings for me. obviously at some point it got too much for her and she got 'cold feet' as she said about what happened when i went to visit her. She also was so hesitant at the start to have a relationship so im not sure if this was set up for failure. I really dont know what to do right now. part of me doesnt want to lose the friendship but part of me knows it will torture me. I still love her a shit ton and have a lot of feelings. Do i try to be friends again, rebuild what we had at the start? Im also worried this push-pull thing will happen again. I get close again, and she just becomes cold. some days shes amazing and some days its like she is super mean.
Thanks for anyone that reads ( i know its long but this has been killing me)
I've only had one girlfriend before and never really dated much. ive always been a workaholic and tried super hard in college and high school. The work party was in LA but I live over on the East coast. We started an online companionship of sorts. we both love video games and started playing online game together. I started to definitely get feelings for her after the first week. We would message each other a shit ton and honestly spent a lot of time together. I told her after a week and a half(im normally a blunt/honest person and i dont like to play games) that I have feelings for her. Initially she seemed very hesitant. She is still in college (around age 27~) after dropping out originally. she went back to a community college.
She said she is too busy in her life atm to have a relationship and wants to just stay friends. I was a bit sad when she said that and she could definitely tell that i was. Later that night i told her its fine being friends especially because I dont want her out of my life. Regardless what would happen, at the time i thought i genuinely enjoyed her company and dont want to just abandon her if she doesnt have feelings for me. Another week passed and honestly we became closer and closer. ive never really been so close to someone. Normally im an insecure person and Id say i have anxious attachment. However ive learned from my past (my past gf had narcissistic personality disorder and that was a huge emotional rollercoaster) and tried my hardest to be secure. I started finding out about her past. She has a horrible relationship with her father. she told me stories of how he would emotionally abuse her and her mom. I think growing up itself gave her a lot of mistrust for the men in her life. She told me stories about her past relationships too. the general theme was that most of them took advantage of her and she has a general distrust for guys in the dating world. She shared how she has had issues keeping jobs (shes had like 12 jobs) and doesnt really know what she wants to do career wise. Anyways, at the time i didnt take too much stock into all this but i kept being her friend and eventually after around 3-4 weeks since we met, she admitted she had feelings for me too. it was long distance so she was a bit worried but she said she never felt someone she could trust as much as me. She said amazing things, how most of the guys in her past were mistrustful, not caring and not nearly as emotional as me. normally she liked strong men that werent that emotional but she said i was different and showed me how some1 can be caring and loving and sweet. I got swept up in all of it and eventaully 2-3 weeks after she admitted she had feelings for me, we agreed to try to commit to an actual relationship (this was all online). She was a bit hesitant at first to commit so fast but she trusted me. I remember her being a bit worried (can we just wait? cant we date first and see how we are in real life) However i told her i strongly feel we will be fine and everything just seems so perfect. keep in mind im really new to relationships and looking past, everything did happen so fast and it was all so intense.
I was really excited, it was like i met the love of my life. We planned all these amazing adventures with each other. Eventually i had a week break from work and planned a trip to see her. The first 2 days were amazing. it was like we were the perfect couple. The third day is where it all went wrong. We were going back home from dinner and i got a call from work. my boss said that there might be some layoffs and i became very stressed. normally i do get stressed and overthink situations very easily. Im sure she could sense it. she tried to comfort me but at the time i got very emotional. The job was a big deal for me and possibility of losing it was painful to hear. At the same time she had to go work the night shift so she gave me a hug and said "sorry i have to go" and left me off at her house. I was a bit stressed trying to deal with the situation at work and eventually after 3-4 hours she called me. she told me she wanted to come back and talk about something important. I started getting stressed (shit day right) and she came back and told me that she wants to take a step back in the relationship. "think about things" she said. \
Well me being in my stressful emotional state, became really sad. It sounded like a breakup and she just refused all intimate advances after. I had 2 days left with her til i had to go back and lets just say it was 2 painful days. She completely changed, its like she was a different person. the 'loving, sweet' person that i knew became someone else. she had no patience for me. and meanwhile i was just very confused with the whole situation. I know i made mistakes, i became very clingy and needy and desperate at the time, even trying to beg her to stay but she kept saying the same thing. "stop forcing it, lets see what happens"
I finally went home and our relationship was just upside down. we would argue and fight a lot, i would keep asking her why she did what she did. it was just so confusing. thinking back i definitely did not give her the space that she wanted. but in my defense literally the day before she was madly into me and it felt like we were in love. then it just suddenly changed. I went into full depression. she eventually broke up entirely 2 weeks after saying that she doesnt see a relationship with me, that i went 'all in' on the relationship and came off as too overbearing. My anxious attachment definitely did come out in this period but it didnt help that the person that i was literlaly best friends with abandoned me and totally changed.
I didnt really know what to do at the time and i took her agreement of 'being friends' it was a mistake because the next few weeks was just this constant push-pull. When i became distant, she would become closer, message me more. and when i became closer, she would pull away. my brain was confused and i would send her some messages asking for her back and it would just end up in a huge argument where she told me she wants to only be friends. I had a lot of thinking at the time and read up on attachment theory. I dont know exactly but it does sound like she has fearful avoidant attachment. I remember when her friend was living with her for 3 weeks. At the start she would be like "im so happy to have my friend keep me company" 3 weeks later and she would constantly say how her friend is so smothering and intrusive and annoying. eventually she kicked her friend out (she is independent and lives alone and has been for a few years)
Its like she didnt want to lose me as well. whether as a friend or something more, i dont know. but she did try to reach out after a few days. The trend would be argument ->ghosting me for a few days -> message me again saying that i dont change and have to give her space. and we became closer again and it would just go back to an argument at some point.
My next step was to just straight up tell her that i cant just be friends. It was getting too painful, seeing the snaps and instagram posts. getting all paranoid (is that some guy shes dating?) I told her around 4 weeks ago that we cant be friends because i still have feelings for her. she gave a blank "ok" and it felt like she moved on. Lets just say it was like going into withdrawal from a drug. Part of me knows she would reach out but i didnt know when. It felt like she wasnt going to and i tried my hardest to keep the no contact to move on. Eventually I caved and sent her a message 2 weeks ago. It felt so painful to lose someone i was so close to and after reading up on fearful avoidants, i didnt want to just abandon her like the people before her in her life. i really genuinely care about her and dont just want her for selfish needs. She said "sure" and didnt send another message. 2 weeks went by and yesterday she sent a message. "hope you're well." it resulted in a short conversation between us where we both told each other that we miss each other. she told me she is going through low form of depression atm becuase she doesnt know what she wants to do in her life. it felt like one of our original emotional talks and i felt happy she was trusting me with her own emotions. ( know its hard for her)
she also told me to tell her when im in town so we can go out to eat.
My question right now is whether I should keep trying to rebuild what we had before. At the start we became friends and she trusted me and it eventually led into her having feelings for me. obviously at some point it got too much for her and she got 'cold feet' as she said about what happened when i went to visit her. She also was so hesitant at the start to have a relationship so im not sure if this was set up for failure. I really dont know what to do right now. part of me doesnt want to lose the friendship but part of me knows it will torture me. I still love her a shit ton and have a lot of feelings. Do i try to be friends again, rebuild what we had at the start? Im also worried this push-pull thing will happen again. I get close again, and she just becomes cold. some days shes amazing and some days its like she is super mean.
Thanks for anyone that reads ( i know its long but this has been killing me)
