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Post by tnr9 on Apr 9, 2018 8:10:44 GMT
Was on a business trip and just saw this. Thanks for the input guys. It’s been quite difficult. I am not entirely sure if she was narcissistic like my first ex. My first ex had no empathy at all, just talked and cares about herself and would just care about very immaterial things in general. One of the reasons I fell in love with my past gf (the one that is an da I believe) is because she was so different than my first gf. Not saying that’s a good reason but she felt so fun to talk to. She felt very trustworthy. She was like a gem To me in a sea of people that I lost faith in. To open up to her was to unleash my soul and find someone that shares the same amount of compassion as me. Sadly that wasn’t the case after the “step back” process happened. And that’s when some of the manipulative things came out. At the end of the day I’m Not sure what her goal was and is. The money and all these things don’t matter to me. I just met someone I cared a shit ton about and it feels like she doesn’t even realize it. How do these people not believe even after so many times where I show her love and care. I try to live by th “actions not words” statement. I am sure she knows you care...I did not read any of the statements you had posted as an indication that she did not think you cared. I read those comments as her level setting things from her perspective. |
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My story
Apr 9, 2018 8:12:17 GMT
via mobile
Post by wahlookie on Apr 9, 2018 8:12:17 GMT
I didn’t message her that much, she sent out a message saying some shit like “Sorry I haven’t been messaging or or having much time to talk, I’ve been depressed from school and life, not trying to make you feel pity but it’s been hard. How you been? My dog isn’t feeling well again, taking him to the vet again. A lot on my plate at the moment. I haven’t been having any fun at all, stopped playing video games,
And don’t really hang out with friends anymore. Including you.”
Then she went on to address the argument we had two weeks ago “this always happens, you are never patient. You have to realize I can’t just talk to you every day. You need to wait when I’m free if you want to spend time. You are so forceful and selfish. It’s like you don’t realize I’m busy with school and work” the rest of the stuff she said was some continuation of that. I didn’t want to argue. I didn’t even address what she said about the argument since all I asked her was to talk to me more after saying stuff like “I miss us” and any time I ask her to talk she thinks I’m forcing her to. I didn’t know what to do in that situation
Well me Being me decided to reply obviously because I felt sad. I still care for her. Told her that I don’t fully know how she feels but I’ll be there for her. To stay strong and realize a lot of people care about her.
Then the span of the last week, we exchanged a few messages, mostly initiated by her. Some small talk stuff. I tried my
Hardest to not get attached and get too close. Just a few messages here and there and I wouldn’t constantly check my phone, partly because I was distracted from work.
I found out I’m going to LA for a business meeting near the end of April. I told her that I’ll be there for a day or two since that’s where she lives. She said “let’s hang out and eat”
I said “alright” and then she told me she has spring break starting April 16th and I asked her what her plans were and if she wanted to do something together. She said she has plans already to go to Vegas and “maybe another time.” felt a bit sad. I really wanted to spend some time with her and thought she was getting close again.
Sadly seems she’s not on that interest level yet.
Not sure what I should do. Idk I feel caught back again. Now I’m
Going back to the states. At
Times I wonder if she’s even fearful avoidant but a lot of the things she does points to it. She reaches out and messages me a shit ton if I don’t message her etc.
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 9, 2018 12:07:44 GMT
I didn’t message her that much, she sent out a message saying some shit like “Sorry I haven’t been messaging or or having much time to talk, I’ve been depressed from school and life, not trying to make you feel pity but it’s been hard. How you been? My dog isn’t feeling well again, taking him to the vet again. A lot on my plate at the moment. I haven’t been having any fun at all, stopped playing video games, And don’t really hang out with friends anymore. Including you.” Then she went on to address the argument we had two weeks ago “this always happens, you are never patient. You have to realize I can’t just talk to you every day. You need to wait when I’m free if you want to spend time. You are so forceful and selfish. It’s like you don’t realize I’m busy with school and work” the rest of the stuff she said was some continuation of that. I didn’t want to argue. I didn’t even address what she said about the argument since all I asked her was to talk to me more after saying stuff like “I miss us” and any time I ask her to talk she thinks I’m forcing her to. I didn’t know what to do in that situation Well me Being me decided to reply obviously because I felt sad. I still care for her. Told her that I don’t fully know how she feels but I’ll be there for her. To stay strong and realize a lot of people care about her. Then the span of the last week, we exchanged a few messages, mostly initiated by her. Some small talk stuff. I tried my Hardest to not get attached and get too close. Just a few messages here and there and I wouldn’t constantly check my phone, partly because I was distracted from work. I found out I’m going to LA for a business meeting near the end of April. I told her that I’ll be there for a day or two since that’s where she lives. She said “let’s hang out and eat” I said “alright” and then she told me she has spring break starting April 16th and I asked her what her plans were and if she wanted to do something together. She said she has plans already to go to Vegas and “maybe another time.” felt a bit sad. I really wanted to spend some time with her and thought she was getting close again. Sadly seems she’s not on that interest level yet. Not sure what I should do. Idk I feel caught back again. Now I’m Going back to the states. At Times I wonder if she’s even fearful avoidant but a lot of the things she does points to it. She reaches out and messages me a shit ton if I don’t message her etc. She is giving you mixed messages...the come here/go away...and you are hooked on the come here part and angered by the go away. Obviously she enjoys getting attention from you..that is why she reaches out...but that may be all this about for her right now. The fact that she talks about being depressed is something I would suggest you pay attention to...because if she has depression, that is a huge cloud over her life and one that you cannot clear with your care and love. I think you are spending too much time trying to figure her out her attachment style when there could be other underlying issues. It is not easy but for now....I would do as she requests and back off...don't text her...if she texts you, keep it very basic...when she says "let's get together"...tell her you have other plans and maybe the two of you can get together some other time. Perhaps you are too available and she knows that you will still be there even when she suggests getting together but then cancels. You can still care about her, just start distancing a bit so your heart has some time to heal. |
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My story
Apr 9, 2018 12:29:27 GMT
via mobile
Post by mrob on Apr 9, 2018 12:29:27 GMT
I see that as fearful avoidant. Simple and text book. There’s enough advice on here for what to do in this situation.
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Post by scheme00 on Apr 10, 2018 5:28:54 GMT
I may be the only one here who has a different spin on this whole situation. I think you are jumping the gun way too easily and trying to label someone as an avoidant personality type. I know you think that you knew her very well, but the majority of your interaction was online and not in-person communication. That is not how relationships grow. You can never truly get to know someone without face-to-face interaction.
It sounds more like you turned her off by showing that you became emotional over things very easily. If you look at her track record, she is attracted to men who are not overly emotional. Even though she told you that you were different, she is still attracted to that and it seems that she was instantly turned off when you got all emotional over the situation at your work. Then you displayed a bunch of needy behavior. Then finally you tried to bribe her with a trip. That’s the nail in the coffin! Leave her alone, stand up for yourself and respect yourself. That’s the only way she will become attracted to you again. You need to let her go completely and let her come to you. Please look up “corey Wayne” videos on YouTube. He does not really know about attachment styles, but he genuinely knows how attraction between males and females work. I’ve heard your same scenario over and over in his videos by viewers who write in to him. Check it out, I have learned a lot from him and Jeb.
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My story
Apr 10, 2018 9:13:37 GMT
via mobile
Post by wahlookie on Apr 10, 2018 9:13:37 GMT
What am I supposed to say in regards to “letting her go?”
If she keeps messaging me. It’s hard for me to just block
Her or ignore her.
Also thanks for your opinion, I’ve thought a lot about what happened and read a lot of these attachment threads and articles. If it wasn’t for her stories about growing up and her past as well as how she treats her friends and stuff, I would agree. But some of her friends that I’m friends with too say that she doesn’t want a relationship at all. She wants to focus on school,etc. she told me her past experiences have made her have big trust issues with most guys.
One case issue is when her friend stayed over at her house (while we were together and I think I mentioned this earlier). She slowly got more and more annoyed at her friend and told me about it a lot. That she would smother her privacy constantly, that she wouldn’t give her any space. At the start she was actually happy her friend had moved in but it became something else near the end and she told her friend to straight up leave.
At the end I’m not sure why she stays in contact, whether she knows I give her attention, im a crutch for her since I’ve helped her with money and other resources, or that she genuinely still misses me and cares about me.
One thing is for sure though, I’m
Spending so much time overthinking this that it’s affecting my life. And I need to stop. If she truly wanted to be a good friend again as she says she does, why does she not include me
In anything? She always says “maybe another time in the future “ and it gets stuck in my head and as soon as I bring it
Up she just rejects it. Maybe I need to just go focus on my own life and stop caring about her. If she doesn’t want to be part of my life, so be it. I’m at the stage where I’m building myself up in my company and I need to realize I’m worth more than this at some point. “Know my value” as people say it. My anxious
Attachment tendencies make me feel like I need to stick around and care for this girl bexause I genuinely do care about her but it’s causing me occasional depression for quite a while now and I ignore the people who truly love me like my family. I say all this and I know if she meaaages me with something cute or loving, I will bend over like a dog because I really fucking like this girl but for now maybe I gotta just stop messaging her entirely and do what tnr said and not be so available.
I was used a lot by my narcissistic ex and what finally did the deal on that one was when I got so mad at something she did (stole money from me ) and I lost complete trust in her. This one for some reason I see in rainbows even though she blatantly just asked me for money at a time when I was easily manipulated(Love torn ex that would do anything for her)
My biggest worry is that I might come off this entire experience as becoming fearful myself. I can already see myself being very wary and untrustful for most new people that enter my life. A girl flirted with me in Shanghai at a business dinner but I kind of turned a shoulder at her because I was afraid. Fearful and anxious.
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Post by mrob on Apr 10, 2018 9:36:56 GMT
I dragged a secure person into being anxious. Thankfully, away from me, she seems to have returned from whence she came. There is hope, but you need to have a good look at yourself, too.
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Post by serene13 on Apr 10, 2018 14:20:21 GMT
I dragged a secure person into being anxious. Thankfully, away from me, she seems to have returned from whence she came. There is hope, but you need to have a good look at yourself, too. So great that you can see and admit that mrob - it's a phenomena that I am accurately aware of and would have wished the DA I knew to also know. |
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My story
Apr 10, 2018 14:53:58 GMT
via mobile
Post by Jaeger on Apr 10, 2018 14:53:58 GMT
I dragged a secure person into being anxious. Thankfully, away from me, she seems to have returned from whence she came. There is hope, but you need to have a good look at yourself, too. I think in all cases, it's a matter of a dynamic that is ultimately unfulfilling to both of you that does the damage. While you played a role in how things unfolded, so did she. You're not the sole reason for things ending badly, so while I commend you for your willingness to look at your own role, please also show yourself some kindness and care by not shouldering all of the responsibility. Live and learn and challenge yourself to be better next time, with compassion to yourself when things don't work out how you want them to. Massive respect to you for walking the tougher path. |
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 10, 2018 15:13:10 GMT
What am I supposed to say in regards to “letting her go?” If she keeps messaging me. It’s hard for me to just block Her or ignore her. Also thanks for your opinion, I’ve thought a lot about what happened and read a lot of these attachment threads and articles. If it wasn’t for her stories about growing up and her past as well as how she treats her friends and stuff, I would agree. But some of her friends that I’m friends with too say that she doesn’t want a relationship at all. She wants to focus on school,etc. she told me her past experiences have made her have big trust issues with most guys. One case issue is when her friend stayed over at her house (while we were together and I think I mentioned this earlier). She slowly got more and more annoyed at her friend and told me about it a lot. That she would smother her privacy constantly, that she wouldn’t give her any space. At the start she was actually happy her friend had moved in but it became something else near the end and she told her friend to straight up leave. At the end I’m not sure why she stays in contact, whether she knows I give her attention, im a crutch for her since I’ve helped her with money and other resources, or that she genuinely still misses me and cares about me. One thing is for sure though, I’m Spending so much time overthinking this that it’s affecting my life. And I need to stop. If she truly wanted to be a good friend again as she says she does, why does she not include me In anything? She always says “maybe another time in the future “ and it gets stuck in my head and as soon as I bring it Up she just rejects it. Maybe I need to just go focus on my own life and stop caring about her. If she doesn’t want to be part of my life, so be it. I’m at the stage where I’m building myself up in my company and I need to realize I’m worth more than this at some point. “Know my value” as people say it. My anxious Attachment tendencies make me feel like I need to stick around and care for this girl bexause I genuinely do care about her but it’s causing me occasional depression for quite a while now and I ignore the people who truly love me like my family. I say all this and I know if she meaaages me with something cute or loving, I will bend over like a dog because I really fucking like this girl but for now maybe I gotta just stop messaging her entirely and do what tnr said and not be so available. I was used a lot by my narcissistic ex and what finally did the deal on that one was when I got so mad at something she did (stole money from me ) and I lost complete trust in her. This one for some reason I see in rainbows even though she blatantly just asked me for money at a time when I was easily manipulated(Love torn ex that would do anything for her) My biggest worry is that I might come off this entire experience as becoming fearful myself. I can already see myself being very wary and untrustful for most new people that enter my life. A girl flirted with me in Shanghai at a business dinner but I kind of turned a shoulder at her because I was afraid. Fearful and anxious. You can focus on your life and still care about her....the two things are not mutually exclusive. I would suggest you take a break from attachment theory in general....none of us is all AP, DA, FA or secure....we can change depending on the person we are interacting with. Honestly, most of life is messy and attachment theory is just a tool, not a magic bullet. Your mind seems to have a lot of "worry" at the moment...perhaps reminding yourself that thoughts are not truths is in order. I have worried about a lot of things that have never happened...and I have a zero percent success rate at reading someone else's mind. There are no guarantees....so you do the best that you can with the information you have at that time...and you let the rest go...not because you don't care...but because you can't know what you don't know. No one is telling you to forget her....I think the underlying message is to let her be for now so that you can work on what you want to work on within yourself. She may or may not come back...but that is in her hands and not yours. |
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