My story

Excuse the spelling mistakes in my last post, bc I’m on my mobile. Another thing, you sound like a solid dude, got your shit together and have a lot going for you. Trust me my man, there will be another and another in your life if this is not meant to be. I know it’s so hard when you feel like you’ve hit the jackpot with someone bc of how she made “you” feel, but she’s lived 99% of her life without you. So hard to change or fix her!

There’s one detail I didn’t mention in this thread. After seeing your post, I think it’s appropriate to mention it. Anyways, she is not in the best shape financially and around 4 weeks after she broke up with me and a few days after we had an argument, she called me up. She said her pet isn’t feeling well (I can vouch that her dog wasn’t feeling well) and that she was low on cash since she also pays for school and stuff and doesn’t keep in contact with her family. She knows I’m quite well off and she asked me for some money to borrow. Obviously I did it, I cared about her and love her. The total amount was around 1000. It’s a lot of money obviously but for me it’s not the biggest amount. Regardless it’s a lot and I want to see her happy. Anyways she said she would pay me back every month bit by bit. She paid me back the first month and then idk what came over me but I really do care about her and she was doing poorly in her classes so I told her to just keep the rest of the money as a gift.
Now I never really gave money to anyone and I haven’t told any of my friends this. But was this manipulative by her? She knew I would give it to her. I have a very good image of her in my head because obviously I really like her but there r certain things she does
Where I feel she takes me for granted. I try and do a lot for her and she can’t even show me the light of day sometimes. It depresses me. When I ask to talk on the phone she says she’s busy. Like every time, and if I ask more, she will say stuff like “stop forcing it.” It hurts every time. I feel no matter how busy someone is, if they are interested in talking to someone else they will make some time.
I agree with what tnr9 says and thanks for ur reply too. This is some extra details to the situation I am having. She knows I will do anything for her. I don’t want to be taken advantage of but I do care a lot about her.

Wasn’t trying to imply that my man. Sometimes the written word can be taken the wrong way. The issue with attachment styles is they only tell part of the story of someone’s whole picture. You are the only one that knows her, we don’t. But, I’m looking out for you here, brotha. For you to fall so hard, she must have some amazing qualities to hit you hard. I felt the same exact thing. Like holy shit, touchdown. I know it’s prob so hard to stay away, bc you care so much, but it’s hurting you. Trust me in the last month, I waited for the texts or the call for a let’s meet up. They’re great and you think you’re back in, but then the PUSH hits the next day and you’re like WTF. The problem, you and I just want the pull and to have our girls see the light, like when it was terrific for us to have that amazing feeling back. I’m realizing, on my end, that it will probably never come. So many of the FA’s on this site that are working on things in therapy still struggle. If you can be strong enough to let her work through what she wants, it could help her. Listen I don’t have the answers, but just someone who sees some similarities between you and me.

Ok brotha, I’m gonna give it to you straight man to man. First of all I’m with you. When you meet someone that you don’t just wanna dust off and be like “really”, you get invested...big time. But I gotta give it you straight. You need to man up and let her know that it’s not all “puppy dogs and ice cream.” Right now she sees you as her savior and crutch. Anyone that would take money and then be cold, knows that she can get away with that. She knows that you will be there for her regardless. I know this may not be popular, but I have an insanely beautiful 21 year old daughter that has stuff with guys and I always tell her to dominate, be you, have that ultimate respect for yourself and the rest will fall into place. Your girl has attachment issues for sure, and that must be awful for her, but you know what, we can’t make it happen for them. They have to see it and want it for themselves. Don’t be so avaialble to her. She knows what’s great about you. Make her wonder what she’s missing and maybe she’ll come around and if she doesnt, there is nothing you can do to make her see it anyway. It will just be pain for you.

wahlookie
badger

it's so great you guys can support each other here.
badger, i lurked a bit and it seems like you've come a ways from where you started as you walk through this. great job, i know it's difficult. I'm glad you found the forum, and your experience can help other men (and of course women) find the manly support they need 👍
The need is real! I'm sure it's much appreciated. Who knows how many lurkers need help and support too!

Hmm, i will try to do at least
No contact for 30 days. I need to remove some of my emotions from this. When I try to be close with her I just end up Having expectations and I should stop. When she says she’s busy several days in a row and can never talk it’s just depressing.
Anyways badger, how do you ever know if she will come back? How do you know if she will ever stabilize and come around? How do I know if she will come back and not to just take advantage of me? I gave her so much love and kindness. I literally would have done anything in the world for her and I did anything she asked of me. Does she not have empathy? A conscience? All this confuses me so much. People scare me and coming off this, I feel myself losing trust in most people as well

Ack...I don't know if you can see the red flags here...

First, you mentioned you had a narcissist ex girlfriend, so I'm worried that you are susceptible to a certain type. Are you repeating an old pattern?

Did you do the work on yourself after that failed relationship, understanding how to draw boundaries, learning to OBSERVE coolly and intelligently before you trust anyone?

There are many many potential partners out there who might be looking to take advantage of a good-hearted sort, believe me.

I went through hell giving my all to one NPD ex, and though he did in the end sort of acknowledged his role and mine, it was a take-no-prisoners relationship, and I ignored all the red flags in the beginning because I wanted to make it right for him.

I suffered from really bad treatment from a NPD stepmother, he had an NPD mother, so I was susceptible, and I had this naive "rescue" fantasy because I knew he hurt inside despite the Narcissistic exterior.

I fell for a gorgeous narcissist who has been deeply wounded. I ignored all the red flags, I saw only his inner void, his suffering and I was throwing myself at him, holding him to help him heal.

I realize now it was because I was terribly wounded myself, and I wanted to do something right for another wounded soul. I didn't realize that I should be healing myself instead, and what a costly lesson.

Guess what? His disorder overrides everything in his life - like the proverbial scorpion ferried by the frog, he stung lethally, which finally taught me, after drowning for a long long time, the lesson I will never again forget about people with disorders.


In the beginning, the amazing stuff you mentioned, seems like lovebombing, like a demo, so that's one big red flag.

The other red flag is that she asked you for a substantial loan and then just pocketed it...and she isn't even your steady girlfriend. It is her sense of *entitlement* that is quite the concern. It's a sign of narcissism I have come to recognize. She is a taker, without nagging doubts about her own responsibility or obligation to return to you what is rightfully yours.

Fine, money isn't the most important, but look at how lost and bewildered you are because of the mixed messages she sent you, hot and cold. Can you deal with this crazy-making for the next few years of your life?

Another red flag is when you received troubling news from your office when you stayed at her place and she just left you alone to deal with your distress. Worse, she turned cold afterwards. A true friend would stick around to see if you might need help.

Believe me, there are GOOD girls out there, who are looking for a good guy to grow with, to love, to learn and support each other through life.

It was really hard to stand at the side while you see couple after couple falling together, but the right Secure girl is worth the wait, be it 2 years, 5 years or 10 years. The result of a wonderful union is immeasurable happiness, for the rest of your life. You will never doubt her deep, deep love for you, and you will reciprocate like the luckiest guy on earth. It will feel so right, so good. Believe that it will be available for you one day.

In order to do that, you need to learn like you've never learned before what to look for, the kind, empathetic traits as well as the traits to RUN away from.

Stay away from the ones who do the "crazy-making", the ones who send you reeling, dizzy, unsure of your own direction. True love isn't made of this, it should feel EASY.

Give yourself time, to learn about yourself, about attachment, about disorders, before you throw yourself at someone whose wounds seem to call out for your help.

If you are confused, unsure, unhappy, at least slow it down, test the relationship, what if you were to lose all your wealth? What will be her attitude afterwards? Will she stay with you through thick or thin or will she abandon you?

There are many who need help, but they need to help themselves by doing the work within, with therapists who know how to help them.