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Post by tnr9 on Apr 1, 2018 14:18:52 GMT
Thank you Juniper....the two I dated were malignant. I cannot date individuals with Narcissistic traits....it is a very toxic relationship for me as I tend to attract those on the malignant side of the spectrum. In no way would I suggest that all individuals who have Narcissitic tendencies are the same. I do however advocate that individuals be aware of what works and what doesn't in terms of partners. i wasn't at all encouraging an Ap/deep DA pairing hahaha! Not at all. I think that would be a terrible combo. My whole point with that, any time i have mentioned it in this board, is that none of us are "Fixed, stagnant, permanently damaged, without hope" i don't recommend any AP get with someone with narcissistic traits , why do that? the wounds are too antagonistic. Also, Ap side can veer into narcissism as well (my AP husband had Boderline traits and was infinitely more damaged and DAMAGING than my current DA working toward secure partner) My point here- it's not useful to pigeonhole anyone. not encouraging anyone to stay with a partner who hurts them.  My partner doesn't hurt me. we are healing together. it's beautiful and expands my mind to the complexity of humans and also the possibilities for healing and expansion. Anyway, to the original point.... spectrum.... and research isn't always the end all be all. Many factors contribute, and there are variations of any trait in individuals Thank you Juniper again for clarifying. |
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 1, 2018 14:23:51 GMT
And your thoughts are just as valuable juniper. i don't feel encouraged about that, i feel alienated. but i understand. posters here have been hurt badly. so have i. but it's ok. i have a lot of sources that encourage meS /) i have appreciated this board anyway, i am working to be even better for my partner. so i will keep working. i feel warmly about the AP's here who are hurting but i don't feel that warmth in return so much. but i understand. Well...it makes me feel sad Juniper that you say you don't feel encouraged on these boards. I have to ask...what would "encouragement" look and feel like to you? The reason I ask is that what feels like encouragement to me...may not feel like or be encouraging to you. I honestly would like to know so that I can provide that encouragement back to you as you have so generously offered it to me. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2018 14:27:25 GMT
tnr9 you've been very encouraging , thank you. i think it's fine for everyone to just show up as they are, i will as well. nothing needs to change.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2018 15:39:23 GMT
I ask because one of the listed characteristics of a person with a DA attachment style is that they have a high self esteem....I am curious if those with a primary DA attachment style on this board agree with that assessment. Like others have said, I think it's a spectrum and also a lot of people conflate narcissism with avoidance in error. DAs though, if they do have low self esteem, are able to "put it away" and the effect is much less on that person, in my opinion, than on other styles. With APs, it's easier to "see" the low self esteem due to the need for constant reassurance and in men that I have dated the need to put me down in order to soothe their own self esteem. I do think that the higher a person is on the spectrum, whether it be DA or AP, the lower the self esteem. |
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Post by bedlam71 on Apr 1, 2018 15:59:51 GMT
DA/FA/AP are just labels for a group of characteristics that are common in each category. Some ppl have more characteristics than others. Some people are more extreme on some characteristics. It's a Continuum. No different than labeling someone with depression or personality disorder. I think often times we see the label used and jump to the conclusion that the poster is speaking in all or nothing terms.
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Post by kelvain on Apr 1, 2018 16:03:03 GMT
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Post by bedlam71 on Apr 1, 2018 16:04:17 GMT
Why is it taking me so long to explode?
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Post by kelvain on Apr 1, 2018 16:15:42 GMT
Why is it taking me so long to explode? OMG HAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!! LMAO!!!!! |
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Post by bedlam71 on Apr 1, 2018 16:39:11 GMT
Ain't that the truth!
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Post by Jaeger on Apr 1, 2018 17:00:33 GMT
DA/FA/AP are just labels for a group of characteristics that are common in each category. Some ppl have more characteristics than others. Some people are more extreme on some characteristics. It's a Continuum. No different than labeling someone with depression or personality disorder. I think often times we see the label used and jump to the conclusion that the poster is speaking in all or nothing terms. Agreed. And labels tend to strike a chord with those labeled; any theoretical model is a container of some sort as they are a means to simplify complex issues and there will always be people who say the model is faulty because not all of it applies to the full 100% of the targeted demographic. No theory is 100% respresented in reality. That means that there are always exceptions. Do all avoidants consistently exhibit all traits that make up the category? Nope. Are all people that consistently exhibit a certain number of said traits over time avoidant? They are indeed. |
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Post by bedlam71 on Apr 1, 2018 18:57:51 GMT
Agree, Jaeger
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Post by goldilocks on Apr 4, 2018 9:43:03 GMT
 Here you see the classic model of attachment styles. Negative thoughts of self are part of what makes one FA or AP, but not inherent to a secure or DA attachment style. That said, secure or dismissive people may have low self esteem for other reasons. Especially at the extreme end (bottom and right in this picture) we would expect extremely wounded people who may have additional wounding in other areas. (comorbidity) |
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Post by Jaeger on Apr 4, 2018 10:39:34 GMT
"Superficially the dismissive (as opposed to the fearful-avoidant) thinks very highly of himself, and is likely to pin any blame for relationship troubles on his partners; but underneath (especially in the extreme form we label narcissism), there is such low self esteem that at his core he does not feel his true self is worthy of love and attention." jebkinnison.com/bad-boyfriends-the-book/type-dismissive-avoidant/ |
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Post by goldilocks on Apr 4, 2018 11:34:10 GMT
 Here is a model of personality disorders. One person may have both a personality disorder and attachment issues, and most people with personality disorders do have attachment issues, but most people with attachment issues do not have personality disorders. |
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 4, 2018 11:40:12 GMT
It would make sense that wounding of the original attachment would lead to wounding of a person's self esteem. How that wounding is displayed outward to the world may vary....but it is still a wound that needs addressing.
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