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Post by tnr9 on Apr 1, 2018 5:53:09 GMT
I ask because one of the listed characteristics of a person with a DA attachment style is that they have a high self esteem....I am curious if those with a primary DA attachment style on this board agree with that assessment.
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Post by Jaeger on Apr 1, 2018 10:49:08 GMT
I ask because one of the listed characteristics of a person with a DA attachment style is that they have a high self esteem....I am curious if those with a primary DA attachment style on this board agree with that assessment. Actually, I think one of the characteristics is artificially high self-esteem. Avoidant attachment is based on people creating a persona with high self esteem to mask the true lack of it inside of themselves, according to what I have read on the matter and what personal experience I have in dealing with a DA ex. To keep up that persona is to keep on surviving through whatever pain has happened in the past. "I'm fine, I'm confident, I can handle anything by myself, I don't need anyone" Part of keeping this intact is blaming others when things go wrong; to admit fault and look critically at yourself is to open the door to reflection and doubt, both of which will eventually lead to the house of cards that is the created persona falling down. |
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 1, 2018 10:57:09 GMT
I ask because one of the listed characteristics of a person with a DA attachment style is that they have a high self esteem....I am curious if those with a primary DA attachment style on this board agree with that assessment. Actually, I think one of the characteristics is artificially high self-esteem. Avoidant attachment is based on people creating a persona with high self esteem to mask the true lack of it inside of themselves, according to what I have read on the matter and what personal experience I have in dealing with a DA ex. To keep up that persona is to keep on surviving through whatever pain has happened in the past. "I'm fine, I'm confident, I can handle anything by myself, I don't need anyone" Part of keeping this intact is blaming others when things go wrong; to admit fault and look critically at yourself is to open the door to reflection and doubt, both of which will eventually lead to the house of cards that is the created persona falling down. Thank you Jaegar....this does clarify the understanding a bit. I recognize the artificial self esteem in the ex Narcs I dated.....not sure I recognize that so much in my general DA friends...which is why I wanted to see whether that holds true for members of this board. |
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Post by kelvain on Apr 1, 2018 12:22:02 GMT
I ask because one of the listed characteristics of a person with a DA attachment style is that they have a high self esteem....I am curious if those with a primary DA attachment style on this board agree with that assessment. Actually, I think one of the characteristics is artificially high self-esteem. Avoidant attachment is based on people creating a persona with high self esteem to mask the true lack of it inside of themselves, according to what I have read on the matter and what personal experience I have in dealing with a DA ex. To keep up that persona is to keep on surviving through whatever pain has happened in the past. "I'm fine, I'm confident, I can handle anything by myself, I don't need anyone" Part of keeping this intact is blaming others when things go wrong; to admit fault and look critically at yourself is to open the door to reflection and doubt, both of which will eventually lead to the house of cards that is the created persona falling down. This is EXACTLY my ex DA. She prided herself on being autonomous and "running the world" as she always said. She had a leadership role at work and when it came to family events, she was the main person running and planning things. Everything and everyone depended on her. But in reality it was all manufactured business that she used as a distraction and distancing tactic. She never took any ownership or blame when she was wrong. This part was extremely frustrating to me since I believe in bettering myself through mistakes and criticism from others. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2018 12:59:58 GMT
DA and AP are on a spectrum.
There is not one level of DA traits and characteristics, and One level of AP traits and characteristics.
Also, attachment type is one of many influences in a person. There are also innate personality tendencies.
and so many other factors.
I would say that the more narcissistic traits, deeper in the end of DA, contribute to lower self esteem, because the sense of self is false.
It's a spectrum, right guys? or are all you AP just one way and what i speculate is true about one of you can be accurately said of all?
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 1, 2018 13:03:19 GMT
DA and AP are on a spectrum. There is not one level of DA traits and characteristics, and One level of AP traits and characteristics. Also, attachment type is one of many influences in a person. There are also innate personality tendencies. and so many other factors. I would say that the more narcissistic traits, deeper in the end of DA, contribute to lower self esteem, because the sense of self is false. It's a spectrum, right guys? or are all you AP just one way and what i speculate is true about one of you can be accurately said of all? Thank you Juniper....this is exactly what I suspected....appreciate your response. I don't like being pigeon holed either. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2018 13:15:47 GMT
also- when it comes to beings as complex as humans, be careful of both subjective opinions(yours) and "objective" opinions (research)
as both are subject to change with new information.
we humans are complex and flawed and trying to figure each other out.
that could go wrong.
For years, conventional wisdom said narcissists have no empathy. new research shows that they are also on a spectrum, and only the most malignant are lacking empathy. in others, due to deep wounding, empathy is suppressed not absent. it can be accessed, taught, trained. this might sound bad, but think of what it means to the narcissist and those who care about them, to be able to rehabilitate and heal also. I have seen that happen in two narcissists close to me and it is profound and beautiful and touching.
Large doses of Antioxidants were recommended by experts for a long time to prevent cancer- oops, they can contribute and accelerate the growth of tumors.
Sunscreen, backed by years of research, now is shown to break down with sun and water to form dangerous chemical compounds.
The human is complex, in body and mind. Science will continue to try to decipher everything about this maracle that is us but will miss the mark many times along the way.
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 1, 2018 13:27:34 GMT
Thank you Juniper....the two I dated were malignant. I cannot date individuals with Narcissistic traits....it is a very toxic relationship for me as I tend to attract those on the malignant side of the spectrum. In no way would I suggest that all individuals who have Narcissitic tendencies are the same. I do however advocate that individuals be aware of what works and what doesn't in terms of partners.
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Post by bedlam71 on Apr 1, 2018 13:34:15 GMT
I don't think tnr9 was making a sweeping statement. She was simply asking what DA's found to be true for themselves.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2018 13:35:46 GMT
Thank you Juniper....the two I dated were malignant. I cannot date individuals with Narcissistic traits....it is a very toxic relationship for me as I tend to attract those on the malignant side of the spectrum. In no way would I suggest that all individuals who have Narcissitic tendencies are the same. I do however advocate that individuals be aware of what works and what doesn't in terms of partners. i wasn't at all encouraging an Ap/deep DA pairing hahaha! Not at all. I think that would be a terrible combo. My whole point with that, any time i have mentioned it in this board, is that none of us are "Fixed, stagnant, permanently damaged, without hope" i don't recommend any AP get with someone with narcissistic traits , why do that? the wounds are too antagonistic. Also, Ap side can veer into narcissism as well (my AP husband had Boderline traits and was infinitely more damaged and DAMAGING than my current DA working toward secure partner) My point here- it's not useful to pigeonhole anyone. not encouraging anyone to stay with a partner who hurts them.  My partner doesn't hurt me. we are healing together. it's beautiful and expands my mind to the complexity of humans and also the possibilities for healing and expansion. Anyway, to the original point.... spectrum.... and research isn't always the end all be all. Many factors contribute, and there are variations of any trait in individuals |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2018 13:36:11 GMT
I don't think tnr9 was making a sweeping statement. She was simply asking what DA's found to be true for themselves. following posters did. |
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Post by bedlam71 on Apr 1, 2018 13:50:46 GMT
Kelvain, my ex was/is the same way.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2018 14:01:34 GMT
i am so outnumbered on this board 😬🤐
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Post by bedlam71 on Apr 1, 2018 14:06:46 GMT
And your thoughts are just as valuable juniper.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2018 14:15:39 GMT
And your thoughts are just as valuable juniper. i don't feel encouraged about that, i feel alienated. but i understand. posters here have been hurt badly. so have i. but it's ok. i have a lot of sources that encourage meS /) i have appreciated this board anyway, i am working to be even better for my partner. so i will keep working. i feel warmly about the AP's here who are hurting but i don't feel that warmth in return so much. but i understand. |
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