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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2018 23:29:45 GMT
I first joined this site after breaking off a short relationship with a man I can only describe as *extreme* DA.  We live in different cities but he has lived here before, owns an apartment, and his daughter goes to university here, so he has thought of moving back to my city. He seemed really smitten in the beginning, but his DA tendencies became apparent as he disappeared for weeks for work, family and vacation, and seldom sent texts. I broke up with him twice, but he came back both times to rekindle the relationship. It would go well for a short time and his super-busy life would revert us back to the old pattern. So finally, last August was our final break, with periodic texting and I met him when I visited his city for dinner, but we stayed friends. This Feb, I had to bring a friend to visit his city and I asked if he could show us some nightlife, etc. He happily bought us tickets for a jazz club night, paid for our drinks and even bought CDs of the band for us. I tried to pay him back but he refused. The night was really enjoyable and he took us back to our hotel. My friend went back to her room while I stayed and waited with him for his Uber. He invited me to spend the night at his place instead! I was quite flabbergasted...we had been friends for the previous 6 months, and I did all the work to put the relationship behind me. Besides, he was rushing off for his long family vacation the next day, so he would be disappearing for another few weeks. What was he thinking? He was quite upset when I declined ...he said "I had to ask you so that you could turn me down!" but went home in his Uber cab. Later, I texted him that sex would only be possible if we were in a relationship, and to have a relationship, we would need to see each other at least once a week and communicate more. He replied that he didn't want to hurt me, and that was the last exchange we had. That was the moment when it occurred to me that he simply had no capability to understand what it is like for me, to feel for me in any meaningful way and his infatuation is only physical in nature. Strangely, that seemed to help rid of any residual feelings in me for this crush.  I realize that it took a reframing of my perspective to truly get over him. I had been listening to love-sick music, eg. Karen O's Crush (which is awesome!...but not while sick with thoughts of love), telling myself how compatible and well-matched we are (it's true), giving myself message after message that I am not over him, it might work if only.....etc. So when I start telling myself very different stories "He is incapable of feeling anything more than plain lust for you, you're always on the backburner, there won't be any substance in this on-again, off-again, long distance "relationship", he is truly NOT your type, how could you even fall for such an eeky person...etc." I find that I could go on for weeks without thinking about him. Tonight, I was listening to my favorite Karen O album "Crush" and there wasn't any feelings stirred up for this ex DA. Thought I'd post for those who knew about my situation and who are curious about how it ended. Meanwhile, I am dating sporadically, haven't met the right man, but I'm enjoying spending a couple of hours in the company of more normal and healthy men. Hope you all who are in a similar "stuck" phase can find your own way to dissuade yourself from pining for an unavailable love.  |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2018 23:39:07 GMT
i love that he had to go home alone in his Uber cab.
had to think about your good boundary the whole way home.... 😑
good job!
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2018 23:44:26 GMT
i love that he had to go home alone in his Uber cab. had to think about your good boundary the whole way home.... 😑 good job! Oh, you make me feel like I scored a win! Thank you!  I felt like I finally saw him clearly for what he is...a DA who isn't capable of truly loving another person, and that really broke the "spell". |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2018 0:00:10 GMT
i love that he had to go home alone in his Uber cab. had to think about your good boundary the whole way home.... 😑 good job! Oh, you make me feel like I scored a win! Thank you! I felt like I finally saw him clearly for what he is...a DA who isn't capable of truly loving another person, and that really broke the "spell". yeah, if he isn't there yet, best be taking that Uber home bruh! you did win. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2018 0:16:03 GMT
but i have to give him credit: and this is where a lot of AP partners go wrong. They don't take their partners at face value. Not always, but it happens. He knew his limitation. He respected your boundary and your answer, and didn't promise anything he couldn't deliver. and he moved on home in his Uber. that's all quite honest. Gotta give him credit for that. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2018 12:49:10 GMT
but i have to give him credit: and this is where a lot of AP partners go wrong. They don't take their partners at face value. Not always, but it happens. He knew his limitation. He respected your boundary and your answer, and didn't promise anything he couldn't deliver. and he moved on home in his Uber. that's all quite honest. Gotta give him credit for that. That's a really interesting take on the situation! It is true that he could string me along, sweet talking, love bombing all the way home.  I knew that for all his flaws there's integrity in him, which is why I like him, I just can't put a finger on it but you are helping me to see. He can't do more than what he can offer - a very distant relationship and only occasional contact, and there isn't any point in asking for what he is unable to give....how sad, but that's life. I'm really learning from the people in my life, fixing my inner wonky compass, and thank you for your great insight and empathy for him. |
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Post by goldilocks on Apr 4, 2018 13:41:59 GMT
Later, I texted him that sex would only be possible if we were in a relationship, and to have a relationship, we would need to see each other at least once a week and communicate more. He replied that he didn't want to hurt me, and that was the last exchange we had. Sound like you openly communicated a clear boundary. That´s very very healthy. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2018 13:52:19 GMT
but i have to give him credit: and this is where a lot of AP partners go wrong. They don't take their partners at face value. Not always, but it happens. He knew his limitation. He respected your boundary and your answer, and didn't promise anything he couldn't deliver. and he moved on home in his Uber. that's all quite honest. Gotta give him credit for that. That's a really interesting take on the situation! It is true that he could string me along, sweet talking, love bombing all the way home. I knew that for all his flaws there's integrity in him, which is why I like him, I just can't put a finger on it but you are helping me to see. He can't do more than what he can offer - a very distant relationship and only occasional contact, and there isn't any point in asking for what he is unable to give....how sad, but that's life. I'm really learning from the people in my life, fixing my inner wonky compass, and thank you for your great insight and empathy for him. Ah yes, inability doesn't equal a lack of integrity My DA partner doesn't have pathological narcissist traits of exploitation, etc- which is what the love bombing and coercion and manipulation would amount to. If he did, i wouldn't be anywhere near him. Yikes! He has never presented himself to be something he is not, nor has he offered something he cannot give. Most DA i know, are well aware of their limitations and don't try to trick anyone. I also have read accounts on this board of DA's plainly stating their positions, and also saying they don't want to hurt their partner (or ex partnee) by remaining in a relationship that doesn't meet needs mutually. So there is a disconnect but not a lack of integrity there. As i see it. There isn't an intention to would in avoidant behavior. There is an inability to engage in a way that is satisfactory to a partner with different needs. It would take a pathological narcissist i think to love bomb and manipulate and use a person. some DA start with good intentions for a model of a relationship they would like to achieve but simply lack the skills or internal wiring to follow through. they run up against their own walls. I have experienced that, trying to be what the model presents and failing miserably, and having to just give up and go figure something out 😑 |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2018 13:53:13 GMT
Later, I texted him that sex would only be possible if we were in a relationship, and to have a relationship, we would need to see each other at least once a week and communicate more. He replied that he didn't want to hurt me, and that was the last exchange we had.  Sound like you openly communicated a clear boundary. That´s very very healthy. and he openly respected and said he didn't want to hurt you. That's good behavior also. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2018 13:56:16 GMT
Later, I texted him that sex would only be possible if we were in a relationship, and to have a relationship, we would need to see each other at least once a week and communicate more. He replied that he didn't want to hurt me, and that was the last exchange we had. Sound like you openly communicated a clear boundary. That´s very very healthy. Thank you! I had an inner battle wondering if this might bring about a rekindling (which I secretly do want) or if I would feel like I matter to him only because I fulfill a physical need for him, and this is all that is to this "relationship"? I went with the latter. Perhaps for him it is the same thing, and he wants the relationship on his terms - he has a busy busy life and on occasion, he wants to have a wonderful date and sex, and that's all he wants in a girlfriend. With distance and honesty with myself, I realize that I'm just hoping that if he likes me enough our relationship will progress, he will spend more time with me, etc....hoping that things will get "fixed" somehow if I go along with his terms, because he ticks alot of boxes for me. Where am I in all of these? Ack, I forgot about my own needs. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2018 14:00:00 GMT
Sound like you openly communicated a clear boundary. That´s very very healthy. Thank you! I had an inner battle wondering if this might bring about a rekindling (which I secretly do want) or if I would feel like I matter to him only because I fulfill a physical need for him, and this is all that is to this "relationship"? I went with the latter. Perhaps for him it is the same thing, and he wants the relationship on his terms - he has a busy busy life and on occasion, he wants to have a wonderful date and sex, and that's all he wants in a girlfriend. With distance and honesty with myself, I realize that I'm just hoping that if he likes me enough our relationship will progress, he will spend more time with me, etc....hoping that things will get "fixed" somehow if I go along with his terms, because he ticks alot of boxes for me. Where am I in all of these? Ack, I forgot about my own needs. yeah, he would have to change his whole life and priority set to meet your needs, it isn't a good bet. by going along with his terms you'd be sending the message that those are your terms, also. it's not fair to go in to a limited situation wanting change, not to you or to him. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2018 14:07:13 GMT
yeah, he would have to change his whole life and priority set to meeting your needs, it isn't a good bet. bungoing along with his terms you'd be sending the message that those are your terms, also. it's not fair to go in wanting change, not to you or to him. Yes, I figure somewhere, there will be a woman who will fit his needs, who desires a very low-contact relationship. I guess I'm dating with a mindset of "scarcity" because of the number of creeps that I encounter, the proverbial jackpot.. So he is truly special but I have to let him go in peace. It is very difficult to live with this contradiction within, liking someone and willing oneself to let go. I hope he sees things the same way too...oh how sad. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2018 14:09:11 GMT
yeah, he would have to change his whole life and priority set to meeting your needs, it isn't a good bet. bungoing along with his terms you'd be sending the message that those are your terms, also. it's not fair to go in wanting change, not to you or to him. Yes, I figure somewhere, there will be a woman who will fit his needs, who desires a very low-contact relationship. I guess I'm dating with a mindset of "scarcity" because of the number of creeps that I encounter, the proverbial jackpot.. So he is truly special but I have to let him go in peace. It is very difficult to live with this contradiction within, liking someone and willing oneself to let go. I hope he sees things the same way too...oh how sad. i get it.  accepting someone for who they are and caring about them very much, and also having to let them go , is so difficult. |
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Post by goldilocks on Apr 4, 2018 14:17:19 GMT
Sound like you openly communicated a clear boundary. That´s very very healthy. and he openly respected and said he didn't want to hurt you. That's good behavior also. What I observe is both of you behaving well. I also notice you have different needs. Two people can both be awesome, yet not be good together. This is really disappointing and a good reason to feel sad, but this is part of life. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2018 14:18:21 GMT
and he openly respected and said he didn't want to hurt you. That's good behavior also. What I observe is both of you behaving well. I also notice you have different needs. Two people can both be awesome, yet not be good together. This is really disappointing and a good reason to feel sad, but this is part of life. exactly as i see it. i'm sorry it hurts tho @curious, i understand. it's disappointing. |
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We live in different cities but he has lived here before, owns an apartment, and his daughter goes to university here, so he has thought of moving back to my city. He seemed really smitten in the beginning, but his DA tendencies became apparent as he disappeared for weeks for work, family and vacation, and seldom sent texts. I broke up with him twice, but he came back both times to rekindle the relationship. It would go well for a short time and his super-busy life would revert us back to the old pattern.
