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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2018 14:20:06 GMT
and , i think you both did a great job of recognizing and respecting YOUR needs @curious, i think you can feel good about yourself and your boundary and your maturity here.
sad but still a victory.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2018 14:23:18 GMT
You are both spot on! I do have to reframe what I think of him to let go, or I will keep hanging on. I am very very low on his priorities, maybe after his tennis lessons..  so his idea of a partner/lover is really someone who is available whenever he is available, and who doesn't want or need more. He likes me but doesn't want more to do with me (or any other woman) than these breadcrumbs of contact. That's far from what I want or seek, so I'm focused on the negatives to do the work on myself. It's a terrible exercise to kill "hope"...ack, but I have to do it.  |
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Post by goldilocks on Apr 4, 2018 14:25:35 GMT
Yes, I figure somewhere, there will be a woman who will fit his needs, who desires a very low-contact relationship. I guess I'm dating with a mindset of "scarcity" because of the number of creeps that I encounter, the proverbial jackpot..  So he is truly special but I have to let him go in peace.  It is very difficult to live with this contradiction within, liking someone and willing oneself to let go. I hope he sees things the same way too...oh how sad. i get it. accepting someone for who they are and caring about them very much, and also having to let them go , is so difficult. Exactly! If every decent person would be a match for every other decent person, love would be a dime a dozen and partners interchangeable. I actually kind of like the idea of two people being very much suited to one another, more than for others. This allows for more individuality. Of course as a DA, I feel less of a need to be coupled, so it is easier to accept this concept emotionally. That said, I do feel sad and dissapointed when I can see a guy is basically decent, but it is difficult for me to trust him or give him what he needs. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2018 14:25:55 GMT
You are both spot on! I do have to reframe what I think of him to let go, or I will keep hanging on. I am very very low on his priorities, maybe after his tennis lessons.. so his idea of a partner/lover is really someone who is available whenever he is available, and who doesn't want or need more. He likes me but doesn't want more to do with me (or any other woman) than these breadcrumbs of contact. That's far from what I want or seek, so I'm focused on the negatives to do the work on myself. It's a terrible exercise to kill "hope"...ack, but I have to do it. you wouldn't be happy, the hope is misleading. Don't settle, he is not wrong, just wrong for you. |
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Post by goldilocks on Apr 4, 2018 14:29:41 GMT
You are both spot on! I do have to reframe what I think of him to let go, or I will keep hanging on. I am very very low on his priorities, maybe after his tennis lessons.. so his idea of a partner/lover is really someone who is available whenever he is available, and who doesn't want or need more. He likes me but doesn't want more to do with me (or any other woman) than these breadcrumbs of contact. That's far from what I want or seek, so I'm focused on the negatives to do the work on myself. It's a terrible exercise to kill "hope"...ack, but I have to do it. When you buy a dress, do you buy one that is two sizes off and squeeze into it being hurt and uncomfortable? Or do you keep looking for one in your size? |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2018 14:32:04 GMT
You are both spot on! I do have to reframe what I think of him to let go, or I will keep hanging on. I am very very low on his priorities, maybe after his tennis lessons.. so his idea of a partner/lover is really someone who is available whenever he is available, and who doesn't want or need more. He likes me but doesn't want more to do with me (or any other woman) than these breadcrumbs of contact. That's far from what I want or seek, so I'm focused on the negatives to do the work on myself. It's a terrible exercise to kill "hope"...ack, but I have to do it. When you buy a dress, do you buy one that is two sizes off and squeeze into it being hurt and uncomfortable? Or do you keep looking for one in your size? omg i just thought of this same analogy but it was pants. is that because i am like a dude? 😂 find what fits. |
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Post by goldilocks on Apr 4, 2018 14:32:08 GMT
How about doing something nice for yourself?
❤️❤️❤️
Be love
I know you can!
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2018 14:35:16 GMT
Exactly! If every decent person would be a match for every other decent person, love would be a dime a dozen and partners interchangeable. I actually kind of like the idea of two people being very much suited to one another, more than for others. This allows for more individuality. Of course as a DA, I feel less of a need to be coupled, so it is easier to accept this concept emotionally. That said, I do feel sad and dissapointed when I can see a guy is basically decent, but it is difficult for me to trust him or give him what he needs. Thank you goldilocks, you and juniper do get it, even as self-admitted DAs. My questions for DAs... Would you ever feel capable of changing yourself to be more available for the right person? Do you ever harbor fears about a dwindling pool if you don't make the efforts for a really great potential partner? Or would you rather let go if the relationship isn't on your terms? Like, lose a couple of pounds to fit the dress, or pantsuit? Oh man, talk of a dwindling pool...it is pretty depressing, it's only because so many men I met were ridiculously awful that it is kinda funny, and I have a good laugh about them! |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2018 14:40:39 GMT
Exactly! If every decent person would be a match for every other decent person, love would be a dime a dozen and partners interchangeable. I actually kind of like the idea of two people being very much suited to one another, more than for others. This allows for more individuality. Of course as a DA, I feel less of a need to be coupled, so it is easier to accept this concept emotionally. That said, I do feel sad and dissapointed when I can see a guy is basically decent, but it is difficult for me to trust him or give him what he needs. Thank you goldilocks, you and juniper do get it, even as self-admitted DAs. My questions for DAs... Would you ever feel capable of changing yourself to be more available for the right person? Do you ever harbor fears about a dwindling pool if you don't make the efforts for a really great potential partner? Or would you rather let go if the relationship isn't on your terms? Like, lose a couple of pounds to fit the dress, or pantsuit? Oh man, talk of a dwindling pool...it is pretty depressing, it's only because so many men I met were ridiculously awful that it is kinda funny, and I have a good laugh about them! compromise once in a relationship, yes. get into a relationship i don't want, no. and i can't change fundamentally. i don't even want to. |
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Post by goldilocks on Apr 4, 2018 14:57:44 GMT
Thank you goldilocks, you and juniper do get it, even as self-admitted DAs. My questions for DAs... Would you ever feel capable of changing yourself to be more available for the right person? You are most welcome! It depends to what extent the change is and why. If I was interested in seeing a guy on the weekend and he wanted to also see me twice during the workweek, I could make a compromise by meeting once during the workweek if the location was convenient. For example, a wednesday diner at a restaurant nearby could work for me. If the guy wanted to feel free to ring my bell whenever, and expect to always be welcome, that would not be likely to work. I do not exclude the possibility that I could live with a man and be married, but he would have to be a really, really, really good fit for me. A room of my own or a day to myself would help. Do you ever harbor fears about a dwindling pool if you don't make the efforts for a really great potential partner? I do worry about being single later in life sometimes. My mother is my only close relative and she is aging. I know that unless I marry, I will not have a next of kin. I also have a lot of love in my heart to give. I would also enjoy someone being loving to me. Too, a lot of responsibilities are easier when shared. Plus, sex is pretty awesome with 2. However, I have far more fear of being with the wrong person and having a bad life. My life now is good, perhaps 8 out of 10. A good man that is a good fit for me could make that a 9, but a bad one could make it a 4 and even a good man without a god fit would make it a 6. I´m not willing to let my happiness take that much of a hit. Dwindling pool is not something I have experienced. The offerings have been better in my 30´s than in my 20´s. This may be more relevant after 50. Or would you rather let go if the relationship isn't on your terms? Yes While I am open to trying new things and compromise a little, I am also fully comfortable with the idea of being single at 90. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2018 15:03:16 GMT
i'd like to hire goldilocks to be my articulate spokesperson , yes to all of what she wrote except i have children as kin also. in the future i should just wait for her to reply, and quote her with minor edits. lol. |
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Post by goldilocks on Apr 4, 2018 15:09:25 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2018 15:17:51 GMT
yeah well i just feel pretty special that someone so articulate and intellectually organized is saying almost exactly what i think and feel. I am going to live vicariously through your polished presentation of my internal state, k? 😁 |
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Post by goldilocks on Apr 4, 2018 15:25:01 GMT
Aww, that is sweet!
❤️❤️❤️
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2018 16:17:28 GMT
@curious, addressing your concern about the dwindling dating pool. Yes. I get that. I've seen it. I have attempted to date (which is typically a dead end for me because i block possibility and have a hard time making it past a first date if i even get that far. My partner and i got together after seeing each other frequently in a social setting so continued exposure gave us an advantage ) Anyway, i know what you're saying there. But- i also tend to think that you find what you're ready for. I do, i feel like there is something to the law of attraction, or however it can be said. it's my natural inclination to focus on being happy without a relationship rather than to try to work hard to be happy IN a relationship. That's what's natural to me, but i also want connection and intimacy and a good sex life. So it's not like relationship isn't a want (obviously, as i am in one). But my focus is still on my own interests and passions and priorities. Maybe you can tilt your focus intentionally to your own interests, growth, fulfillment. It doesn't mean you have to let go of want or hope, just maybe accept that there is not an appropriate partner available just now, but that doesn't mean one won't come along. When our thinking is fear based, we can tend to limit our options and get into dead end thinking. The fact is, people are living and enjoying their lives and finding new love well into their 60's around me. Fear can make you feel like you need to settle, but patience can help you live your best life now and remain open to the future which may not be as bleak as you.... fear it will be. Fear isn't fact. It's just showing you what you need to question in your thinking. I know it's easier said than done. But have some fun with yourself!!! Engage your interests. Pursue them with happiness. Celebrate your friendships. Explore something that you haven't done. Go on an adventure. Expand your comfort zone. Make Mr. Wonderful come find you where you play.  |
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so his idea of a partner/lover is really someone who is available whenever he is available, and who doesn't want or need more. He likes me but doesn't want more to do with me (or any other woman) than these breadcrumbs of contact. That's far from what I want or seek, so I'm focused on the negatives to do the work on myself.
