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Post by tnr9 on May 6, 2018 12:35:02 GMT
The leaving at a party happened to me several times...I think there is work on both ends because as an AP, I did take it personally.
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Post by leavethelighton on May 7, 2018 23:44:59 GMT
There's an episode in the new season (season two) of "Dear White People" that is all about this-- the main character's love interest keeps walking away from him at parties and engaging in other forms of avoidance. When I was watching that episode it made me wonder if the writer has totally studied up on these theories.
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Post by anne12 on Jun 5, 2018 13:49:53 GMT
Another great advice:
Think of the dismissive as a scuba diver. When they go deep into something/their own world and kind of "dissapear", they need time to come back up again.
If they do this too fast, it can be dangerous.
They need transition time (maybe 25 min. or so) Remeber, it is nothing personal! It is just the way they work. Also great to know, if you are a dismissive.
Ex: ask 25-30 min or more before you want to do something, that you both have agreed on, so that they have enough time to get out of their single state of mind and switch from one activity to another.
(Diane Poole Heller)
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2018 14:22:01 GMT
Great advice!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2018 14:45:41 GMT
Another great advice: Think of the dismissive as a scuba diver. When they go deep into something/their own world and kind of "dissapear", they need time to come back up again. If they do this too fast, it can be dangerous. They need transition time (maybe 25 min. or so) Remeber, it is nothing personal! It is just the way they work. Also great to know, if you are a dismissive. Ex: ask 25 min before you want to do something you have agreed on, so that they have enough time to switch from one activity to another. it takes me at least this long, a bit longer. if i'm pressured and maligned because of it, i'll happily just return to what is enjoyable for me! i test at the border with secure in romantic relationships, fullsecure in friendship. i don't see my lifestyle and quirks changing, nor do i feel the want or need for that. this has nothing to do with the capacity for emotional intimacy, as that is recognizable in my life for me. it is more just the way i am built, and i like it!  |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2018 14:53:41 GMT
also, the walking ahead or behind,
this is not personal or about control for me at all. (?!?)
it's a freedom of personal body space. i don't like high collars or itchy fabric either. it's just personal movement space.
it has never ever impinged a feeling of closeness for me, and has nothing to do with intimacy or respect, unless we are talking respecting the ability to walk directly to a destination without having to align physically with another person.
i don't understand this, when i am walking with a person somewhere we are just walking, the configuration isn't important to me or most people i walk with.
sometimes avoidant culture is so maligned and misunderstood i find it ludicrous.
say you go to another culture and they have a way of doing things that is foreign to you and doesn't meet your expectation.
is it personal?
no, that's just the way it is for them.
no need to assign malice or disrespect to it?
it's my perspective, i get that some people are hurt or offended by the walking configuration but there is another side to all this!
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Post by anne12 on Jun 5, 2018 16:37:44 GMT
Sorry Juniper, but I do not understand.
I diden´t write anything about controlling behavior!?
It is expalined by Diane Poole Heller. I find, that she is very respectfull, when she explains about the different attatchment styles. She and other attatchment therapist almost always advice people, not to take the different behaviors personally.
If your partner or friend more or less ALWAYs walks in front of you on vacation, it could be explaind as an avoidant trait.
Some people like the feeling of togetherness and sharing a joint adventure instead of a paralell adventure - at least some of the time when on vacation.
Walking side by side so that you are able to talk and share what you see, sometimes walk hand in hand or what ever, can create shared memories from your vacation.
How is it possible to talk, when one person walks in front of the other person?
The thing about transition time is explained by this examble:
You and your partner have agreed on going out for dinner. You can ask your partner if it is souitable if you leave home in 30 min or so! Maybe you have (together) already reserved a table at a restaurant.
We all have our own quirks and personality traits. It can be quit charming, that we are not all the same.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2018 17:10:28 GMT
no anne12 , i'm sorry i didn't clarify. i have read about this trait as being controlling, elsewhere. in numerous places. and it is widely taken personally. that's all, just offering my take. i appreciate your posts! |
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Post by goldilocks on Jun 5, 2018 17:19:03 GMT
When you are at a party and your partner leaves you without introducing you to people they know and they somehow "forgets" about you. Solution: agree to introduce each other to people you know at the party, make eye contact throw the evening or/and sit holding each others hand or drop by and touch your partners shoulder. I don't want to have to do this! I want to date an equal, a grown man who can enjoy himself with my friends and not a dependent that I have to take care of as if he was a child. I'd be willing to introduce someone in a formal setting, but if this is a birthday the usual is to introduce oneself. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2018 17:45:25 GMT
When you are at a party and your partner leaves you without introducing you to people they know and they somehow "forgets" about you. Solution: agree to introduce each other to people you know at the party, make eye contact throw the evening or/and sit holding each others hand or drop by and touch your partners shoulder. I don't want to have to do this! I want to date an equal, a grown man who can enjoy himself with my friends and not a dependent that I have to take care of as if he was a child. I'd be willing to introduce someone in a formal setting, but if this is a birthday the usual is to introduce oneself. exactly. these are areas of incompatibility as far as i am concerned, this would make me feel as though i am on a leash. it's just a difference, and i wouldn't be able to make the necessary alterations to my natural self to accommodate these kinds of needs. doesn't make me or the other person bad- just not compatible and with a totally different way of experiencing a partnership. Same with walking. i am able to walk hand in hand and enjoy some bonding, but mostly, ambulatory bonding is not my thing and i feel closer with someone that can enjoy waking independently without a need to bond over that. walking, to me, is setting out on a shared adventure or experience, and that feels awesome to me. the need for bonding during ambulation is just not one i have, i have the need to walk freely. my needs matter too! |
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Post by ocarina on Jun 5, 2018 17:47:31 GMT
My partner would sometimes leave an event without saying goodbye to me - baffling and beyond the realms of just walking in front etc I am uber independent but the leaving without acknowledging was actually quite hurtful - we're talking during a long standing intimate relationship - a partnership. Feeling not seen by a partner can be an unpleasant experience.
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Post by anne12 on Jun 5, 2018 17:56:32 GMT
Well I also like a grown man - that has some gentlemen traits. What I do not like, is being totaly ignored by my boyfriend at big parties, when I havent met any of the guests before. I have a friend, who has the same problem with her boyfriend. Asking / making an agreement on how things can work out for both of us, before we go out could be a solution. It is sugested by Stan Tatkin and also by Diane I think. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2018 17:59:56 GMT
My partner would sometimes leave an event without saying goodbye to me - baffling and beyond the realms of just walking in front etc I am uber independent but the leaving without acknowledging was actually quite hurtful - we're talking during a long standing intimate relationship - a partnership. Feeling not seen by a partner can be an unpleasant experience i would think there would be many other indicators of disrespect and unavailability, and trying to fix this would be putting a band aid on a fatal wound. this particular behavior is a symptom of a larger problem, and i think looking for adjustments to it would be missing the bigger picture. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2018 18:01:38 GMT
Well I also like a grown man - that has some gentlemen traits. What I do not like, is being totaly ignored by my boyfriend at big parties, when I havent met any of the guests before. I have a friend, who has the same problem with her boyfriend. Asking / making an agreement on how things can work out for both of us, before we go out could be a solution. It is sugested by Stan Tatkin and also by Diane I think. has asking for a solution and making agreements been successful? i would think it would be if there is emotional availabilty between two people. |
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Post by ocarina on Jun 5, 2018 18:11:16 GMT
In my case I did ask - he also used to leave my house in the morning sometimes without saying goodbye. There was something inherently unpleasant about this for me and yes Juniper, you are right that it's a sign of something deeper.
He did remember to say goodbye after I asked - but eventually things crumbled because it felt like he was constantly acting out a deep belief that relationships were impossible, commitment led to pain etc. Some of the behaviours were so peculiar I believed he was on the autistic spectrum - nowadays I am unsure if this is the case - it's irrelevant really since behaviour is behaviour regardless of knowing the cause it has the same effect in the long term.
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