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Post by anne12 on Mar 28, 2019 5:39:27 GMT
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Post by anne12 on Mar 28, 2019 7:17:14 GMT
Does displays of affection make you feel uncomftable ?
Are you turning away or changing the conversation because you do not know what to do with love when IT comes at you directly ?
Can you - whenever someone shows you love - stay precent and not disconnect or deflect and stay embodied and connected ?
Can you truly feel peoples embrace, listen to their kind Words, appriciate their gifts, takeing in their loving gaze, and feel IT in a significant lasting way ?
Your deflection can Hurt your partner and other people.
This Practise offers corrective experience that Will help you tap into secure attatchment.
Not only for the ambivalent but for All attatchmentstyles.
Take small steps and then build Up taking in more and more.
Gary Chapman can help you to regonise love, when IT comes your way.
Do your best to broarden Up your receptivity to love.
What does your loved ones offer that you havent fully regonised ?
Note the full Range of their caring behaviors. How do they express their love ? How do you feel in your Body when you regonise, that your partner, your Friends, your parents have their own way of showing you love and support ?
Do not throw the gift, just because the packageing seems off to you.
Be aware of your "yes, but" bottom!
When the "yes, but" comes Up, treat IT with curiosty and compassion.
Ex. your partner gives you a compliment, but there is something about IT that feels off to you. Your partner or Friend gives you flowers, but they are not your favorite type of flowers or you like chokolate instead, and you feel that your partner/Friend/parents/child should know that.
Or your Friend/partner spends quality time with you, but IT is NOT Long enuogh time or the right thing that you really want to do.
We think that recieving love is suposed to be easy peasy, but for some IT is not.
When you practise to take in love from others in small steps, you Will notise that your capasity to stay present in the face of love grows and grows.
In a more stable relationship when we practise recieving and when we release our fear of loosing the person, our belly can relax and our hearts opens Up and we can finaly feel love and apriciation.❤️
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Post by anne12 on Mar 29, 2019 6:45:27 GMT
The experiment with the pigeons:
In a cage with pigeons a feed machine is set up. The pigeons quietly walk around and dot the feed machine when hungry. Another feed mashine is set up instead, where it is unclear when the feed machine will provide food. The pigeons gets upset and swarm around the feed machine all the time and dot the feeder all the time even though there is plenty of food on the ground.
The fact that it becomes unpredictable when there is food almost makes the pigeons obsessed with the food machine even though there is already plenty of food on the ground.
The ambivalent pattern - even if love already is there, the ambivalent can get obsessed and can reach out and try to get contact again and again and again....by love/by the other persons presence
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Post by anne12 on Apr 2, 2019 14:23:01 GMT
What happens when APs stop the signalcry:
When the ap stops pushing, talking, asking, complaining, pressureing....
Saticfaction takes the attatchment signal cry out of overdrive, and then the ap has to recieve, and the recieving triggers the threat of abandoment and the fear comes up to the surface.
Then the aps stomac can get tight, the ap can get a headace and the Body can say NO ect
This rejecting and the dissociation from caring behaviors can spoil the aps lovelife.
They are scared of intimacy and are rejecting what the partner gives.
IT is a projection and has to do with the aps self and not always the partner.
Dissacifaction blocks the intimacy
You can use distatisfaction as a warning sign!
Be curiouis whenever you feel distatisfaction:
STOP, pause and find out what is real and what is just the signal cry/the old wound from the past that wants to make noise.
You can say/think: I choose to xxx
An old rule: if you are in doubt you are not in doubt. But for the ap this can be a defence mecanism against expericing love.
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Post by anne12 on Apr 7, 2019 18:42:23 GMT
The underlying Main feeling for the ambivalent:
Anger.
Or Sadness.
Secure love for the ambivalent feels warm, like expansion ect.
Often times they have relationships not lasting longer than 10-15 years. More often they can loose interest in the other person when the other person is availible and the honeymoon face is over
Sometimes the ambivalent can think, that they have become avoidant, when the ambivalent meets a secure or another ambivalent. But the ambivalent just loses interest, when the other person is availible.
The ambivalent often seek therapy because they want to become full.
They often want a quick fix in therapy.
They can be good at looking at whats wrong, what is Missing
When they feel more calm and healed, they can look for what is still Missing.
They have to learn that they can take different rounds in therapy.
In therapy They have to get help, to get out of the victim role.
They can feel/think: if only....
They can spend too much money on themselves or on friends ect.
They have to get help to manage their anger to get out of the victim role.
IT is Not about building Up anger, but to get the anger transformed into Power. That they have the right to set boundaries, to say No, to reach out for what they want, to choose.
IT is recomended that they buy a lock book to Write down and to be able to see their progress in therapy and to Write down what they are thankfull for each Day. 5 things each Day.
If in relationships, they have to look for what is already good in the relationship.
They can be affraid to Hurt others or they can be affraid of getting Hurt themselves.
They are often in doubt in relationships.
They have to learn how to take responsability.
If the ambivalent looses their job or a parent, they can react more strongly than a secure person, because they oftentimes gets overwhelmed by their past.
The ambivalent wants to enjoy life, eat good food, enjoy themselves, spoil their guests and their partner ect.
The bodylanguage of the ambivalent:
They articulate a Lot with their body, they can use a Lot of facical expressions and they can Seem very much "Alive". You can often watch how their feelings can come out of their Body.
Some types of ambivalents can sometimes collaps into tears.
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Post by anne12 on Apr 8, 2019 10:41:10 GMT
The ambivalent can often become addictive because of their feeling of never getting enough/never being full (from their interaction with their caregivers or others)
Sugar, coffee, food, shopping, love/crushes, alcohol ect.
If the ap also have some desorganised attatchment style or trauma they can switch into being an alcoholic, workaholic, sexaddict, drugaddict, foodaddict, loveaddict ect.
How can you maybe know, that you are an addict:
Imagine that you never ever can get this again, how do you react?
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Post by anne12 on Apr 9, 2019 15:01:51 GMT
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Post by epicgum on Apr 9, 2019 15:24:00 GMT
anne12 Can you do a post detailing the differences between AP/ambivalent and FA/disorganized? It seems like there is a lot of parallel and sometimes it is hard to tell the difference. Also, some books describe AP as simply wanting and desiring more closeness and intimacy (ie. "Attached"). How would you distinguish someone simply desiring more closeness and intimacy, from someone who actually was unavailable and needed someone to "chase".
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Post by anne12 on Apr 9, 2019 18:38:27 GMT
anne12 Can you do a post detailing the differences between AP/ambivalent and FA/disorganized? It seems like there is a lot of parallel and sometimes it is hard to tell the difference. Also, some books describe AP as simply wanting and desiring more closeness and intimacy (ie. "Attached"). How would you distinguish someone simply desiring more closeness and intimacy, from someone who actually was unavailable and needed someone to "chase". That's a difficult question. Yes some of the symptoms can look the same and also the way a therapist can Work with a client. As people often can have a mix of attatchment styles, IT is difficult to say, what is what A coach once said: if there is a lot of drama, look for trauma. (I am not an expert and I am not a therapist) - I am just "the messenger". "Attatched" - as I can remember - only talks about DA and APs or? |
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Post by epicgum on Apr 9, 2019 20:42:45 GMT
anne12 Can you do a post detailing the differences between AP/ambivalent and FA/disorganized? It seems like there is a lot of parallel and sometimes it is hard to tell the difference. Also, some books describe AP as simply wanting and desiring more closeness and intimacy (ie. "Attached"). How would you distinguish someone simply desiring more closeness and intimacy, from someone who actually was unavailable and needed someone to "chase". That's a difficult question. Yes some of the symptoms can look the same and also the way a therapist can Work with a client. As people often can have a mix of attatchment styles, IT is difficult to say, what is what A coach once said: if there is a lot of drama, look for trauma. (I am not an expert and I am not a therapist) - I am just "the messenger". "Attatched" - as I can remember - only talks about DA and APs or? "Attached" only briefly talks about "disorganized" in one or two lines saying that they have a lot of problems and are usually from abusive backgrounds. Otherwise it only discusses "anxious" and "avoidant" styles. Mostly the 'anxious' are the good guys who just crave more closeness and intimacy (but can be addicted to 'sparks') and the avoidants are the unreformable bad guys who should be avoided. |
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Post by anne12 on Apr 11, 2019 14:52:30 GMT
When not in contact with their loved one, the ambivalent can feel contraction in the stomac, overthink, and have too many thoughts, nausia, the chest area can hurt, anxiety,
Love feels like happiness and warmth and expansion in the heart and in the body.
An ambivalent who have lost themselves can be pretty draining to be with.
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Post by faithopelove on Apr 11, 2019 21:19:28 GMT
epicgum That's a difficult question. Yes some of the symptoms can look the same and also the way a therapist can Work with a client. As people often can have a mix of attatchment styles, IT is difficult to say, what is what A coach once said: if there is a lot of drama, look for trauma. (I am not an expert and I am not a therapist) - I am just "the messenger". "Attatched" - as I can remember - only talks about DA and APs or? "Attached" only briefly talks about "disorganized" in one or two lines saying that they have a lot of problems and are usually from abusive backgrounds. Otherwise it only discusses "anxious" and "avoidant" styles. Mostly the 'anxious' are the good guys who just crave more closeness and intimacy (but can be addicted to 'sparks') and the avoidants are the unreformable bad guys who should be avoided. - Yes, I agree that “Attached” portrays attachment styles that way, but in many other sources I’ve also seen negatives of both insecure attachments with anxious most often being being described as needy, clingy, jealous, demanding and often running their partner off with their expectations to fulfill all their needs and make them happy. Hits too close to him as I reflect back in every relationship and how I made my partner my life- I thought my happiness lied in him. I felt he was the one to complete me. That’s a lot of pressure on the AP partner. An aware AP is probably willing to work on change bc they do strongly desire love and connection. I see a disproportionate amount of AP on various sites/comments. |
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Post by faithopelove on Apr 11, 2019 21:23:32 GMT
anne12 Can you do a post detailing the differences between AP/ambivalent and FA/disorganized? It seems like there is a lot of parallel and sometimes it is hard to tell the difference. Also, some books describe AP as simply wanting and desiring more closeness and intimacy (ie. "Attached"). How would you distinguish someone simply desiring more closeness and intimacy, from someone who actually was unavailable and needed someone to "chase". - I’ve heard that disorganized attachment is very rare, something like 5% of the population which is why we hear little about it. I’ve read it’s more for those who were fostered/adopted/severely abused. I’m thinking though that the fostered and adoption population isn’t that low. You can find it on YouTube by some decent counselors. |
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Post by faithopelove on Apr 11, 2019 21:26:06 GMT
What happens when APs stop the signalcry: When the ap stops pushing, talking, asking, complaining, pressureing.... Saticfaction takes the attatchment signal cry out of overdrive, and then the ap has to recieve, and the recieving triggers the threat of abandoment and the fear comes up to the surface. Then the aps stomac can get tight, the ap can get a headace and the Body can say NO ect This rejecting and the dissociation from caring behaviors can spoil the aps lovelife. They are scared of intimacy and are rejecting what the partner gives. IT is a projection and has to do with the aps self and not always the partner. Dissacifaction blocks the intimacy You can use distatisfaction as a warning sign! Be curiouis whenever you feel distatisfaction: STOP, pause and find out what is real and what is just the signal cry/the old wound from the past that wants to make noise. You can say/think: I choose to xxx An old rule: if you are in doubt you are not in doubt. But for the ap this can be a defence mecanism against expericing love. - Interesting posts. Thank you! What’s the old rule mean “if you’re in doubt you are not in doubt?” I don’t understand that. |
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Post by epicgum on Apr 12, 2019 2:37:08 GMT
"Attached" only briefly talks about "disorganized" in one or two lines saying that they have a lot of problems and are usually from abusive backgrounds. Otherwise it only discusses "anxious" and "avoidant" styles. Mostly the 'anxious' are the good guys who just crave more closeness and intimacy (but can be addicted to 'sparks') and the avoidants are the unreformable bad guys who should be avoided. - Yes, I agree that “Attached” portrays attachment styles that way, but in many other sources I’ve also seen negatives of both insecure attachments with anxious most often being being described as needy, clingy, jealous, demanding and often running their partner off with their expectations to fulfill all their needs and make them happy. Hits too close to him as I reflect back in every relationship and how I made my partner my life- I thought my happiness lied in him. I felt he was the one to complete me. That’s a lot of pressure on the AP partner. An aware AP is probably willing to work on change bc they do strongly desire love and connection. I see a disproportionate amount of AP on various sites/comments. I think I was a bit testy in my first comment about attached...because it was my first exposure to this stuff and I feel like it's tone was not the best. But over all the best and most healing thing is to first remove the shaming, whether needy or fearful or dismissive....if it was a choice at the start we'd all pick secure! |
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