epicgum - Yes, I agree that “Attached” portrays attachment styles that way, but in many other sources I’ve also seen negatives of both insecure attachments with anxious most often being being described as needy, clingy, jealous, demanding and often running their partner off with their expectations to fulfill all their needs and make them happy. Hits too close to him as I reflect back in every relationship and how I made my partner my life- I thought my happiness lied in him. I felt he was the one to complete me. That’s a lot of pressure on the AP partner. An aware AP is probably willing to work on change bc they do strongly desire love and connection. I see a disproportionate amount of AP on various sites/comments.
I think I was a bit testy in my first comment about attached...because it was my first exposure to this stuff and I feel like it's tone was not the best.
But over all the best and most healing thing is to first remove the shaming, whether needy or fearful or dismissive....if it was a choice at the start we'd all pick secure!
epicgum - to be able to choose secure...that would be nice! I’ve only in the past year and a half discovered that the way I think, feel and react in a relationship isn’t normal. It was all I ever felt so I didn’t know any better.
The love for yourself and / or for a partner - it is clearly the elixir of life! Is it time to drink it now? Is it now your love-desires and dreams will become reality? Is it now you want to experience the deep, genuine and enduring love?
Or do you prefer to sigh and Long for and dream of "When I just get a partner/ my partner do this ... / I get a (new) job // I win in lotto / I loose weight / I start exercising / I'm getting well… - then will I be happy / we Will be happy together ”? Free will - or not? Of course you would rather have your wishes come true. In any case, your cognitive part of the brain, your consciousness, will be where the will is. Now, just the unconscious part of our brain controls 90% of all the decisions and actions we make! It has been measured in different ways (which centers in the brain are active when in a decision-making process). The free Will seems to have only 10% influence - or influence in 10% of your decisions. The rest is probably controlled by the unconscious, automatic reactions. So NOW, just clean up and “install” some good appropriate responses! It is precisely that which is one of the purposes of all real personal development (and therefore cognitive therapy, positive thinking and affirmations usually cannot get you "all the way to the goal"). SE trauma healing is particularly suitable for creating the, above mentioned, real, lasting positive changes, because here you work directly at the unconscious level and with the automatic reactions.
You do not go, a detour through the will, but choose the direct path through the healing mechanisms that naturally exist in all of us. The mechanisms that we, as humans, were originally designed with.
Well, back to the dream, missed, longing: In many there is a tendency to have this small (or larger) inner voice that says, "If only ... then I / we would be happy / e!". Sometimes it sounds more like this: "There must be something / a man / a woman / a relationship / a job / a house, etc. that is better than this.
What to do? This can destroy much of the joy of all that is already good in your life. What you need here is straightforward, but not necessarily easy. You are about to separate the bad longing from the constructive hiccup.
What you need here is to discover and become aware of and perhaps change some of your automatic, unconscious thoughts and reactions.
You have to go from the "victim-missing", where happiness depends on another / the other or the current situation - to get into your own control. Where you yourself keep your healthy direction, even if you encounter obstacles along the way. Maybe you correct the course so that it gets even better. But it is always you who decides what you want from life - and it is you who takes the (many baby) steps needed to achieve this.
Satisfaction, love and happiness have nothing to do with pain - only if you lose. Longing is usually associated with some pain and has nothing to do with love! But if you have some ambivalent / nervous attachment form then you have been identified with longing - sometimes only about love, many times quite generally. That was how you experienced the first love, the love that was there when you were a child. It is the longing that I call "sacrifice longing" and which I would recommend to you to discard. "Sacrifice-longing" is basically the reactions of the unconscious defense to the ancient stories.
Start by asking yourself each time you feel the need / desire / wish: Is this wish associated with A) joy or B) pain to think about?
Am I A) at home in myself / in my strength or B) taken out in the world / over in the other and depending on what the other does / does not?
If I achieve this, I miss / want, then I will experience A) more peace and expansion or B) a happiness / ecstasy, which, however, could easily switch to a new need after shorter or longer time?
Do I grow as a human being to work towards achieving this? A) = yes, B) no, not really
If you answer B to at least one of these, you are probably under the influence of the ambivalent / nervous attachment. Find ways to appreciate what you already have in your life! If you have a hard time doing this, or if it is not enough for you to experience satisfaction - then it is a good idea to have your old life, the old story.
However, if you answer A to all 4, you may not even be reading here. Congratulations, you are sure to enjoy your life and grow naturally!
AT wanting more than you already have is also part of the natural urge we humans have to develop and grow. It has brought us far as humanity. Maslow (the one with the needs pyramid) called it the need for self-realization. That we need to learn new and develop.
"I have a partner who loves to travel and he really wants to travel with more people/a group - as he says "the more the better".......
BEFORE: Before I often got the feeling of being left by myself and feeling sad and angry with my partner, that he would rather Be with the group, than me, when we traveled together. I wanted to travel with him alone, and that we had time for lots of presence together...... which I was sure, I would get when we were alone. However, even though we were traveling alone, I still felt alone and felt sad ...
I blamed my partner for not looking forward to traveling. I had become a victim of what he wanted and did and had completely lost the sense of what I wanted.
AFTER: So I have worked with my attatchment style and getting into the body and feeling what I want and that my partner does not necessarily feels the same way and I have accepted his needs for a holiday.
So when he wanted to sit by himself on the balcony reading a book - or her wanted to Be with the group, I tuned into my Body, and I felt like going to the beach that day, so I went to the beach by myself, and I had a great time without my boyfriend and we had a great vacation."
A Woman with some ap-style married to a husband with some da-style.
One of my friends has a dog called Valdemar. It has trauma and acts nerve-wracking to anyone other than my friend. Even she had to treat him carefully so as not to scare him away. We went for a walk in the park and I pretended that Valdemar was not there, otherwise he would die of fear. At one point my friend would give me a treat I could give to the dog. I went there and held my hand as I walked, pretendend that the dog wasent there. After a while the dog came gently to me and took the treat. And I could also pat him.
I wanted to give the dog another treat and forgot to move carefully. I turned around and saw the dog into its eyes as I stretched out my hand with a treat. The dog was getting a heart attack, so scared it became. The dog jumped away with a kneejerk reaction. It was too dangerous with my direct way.
This was also how it worked with my boyfriend. Every time I reached out to him, he jumped away. My method was to let my boyfriend come quietly to me.
My friend claimed that this method worked for most people. The method was to be there without making demands. Neither inside my head. The method was to rest in myself, just to be me.
I was curious about, what my boyfriend did without me having any projects on his behalf about what to do or not to do. The more I practiced this method, the more it looked like love. Wanting his best and my own best at the same time and giving freedom.
There was no sacrifice in this method and it did not require a lot of energy. It was just different from my auto pilot, that would be at the forefront of everything and have control.
My boyfriend became more attentive and he gave everything that I had longed for: closeness, enthusiasm, ease. Laughing together and having fun together at all levels."
The AP likes to spend money. They often want to enjoy life. They like to make a nice dinner and spoil their guests at home or to spoil their partner, they like to "spoil" others. Sometimes they can forget to use money on themselves.
(Vs. The avoidant likes to save money, they do not like to share, they can be affraid that they Will loose their safety and money. On a date they can forget to offer you a drink, a café latte, to pay for the dinner out ect.) They can do This even if they have a Lot of money.)
(Vs. The desorganised can loose their money easely, they can Get their wallet stolen ect. They are in survivel mode and they can therefore have trouble Looking ahead and plan their future econemy. Like the ap they want to enjoy life)
The AP havent got problems Falling in Love. Sometimes they can Be too intense and can move too fast. They can scare the other person away with All their intense love They can Get Up in the clouds and can loose their grounding. IT is like Being on drugs. They can think "Lets Get married next week". If they move too fast, they can suddenly loose interest. They have "Fallen out of love" Or they can fall in love with a person who doesent want Them/who is not really interested in Them.
Yo-yo relationships are also Common. "When you dont want me, I want you, and when you want me, I dont want you". They can fall in love in a split second, but not as fast as a person with desorganised attatchmentstyle.
They can also fall in love with another person even if they are already in a relationship.
They think longing and love is the same thing. They havent figured, out that where you plant and nurture your grass is where IT grows.
More about the ambivalent and dating / having a relationship: On the unconscious level the ambivalent wants a soulmate, the only one, romance, a person who makes me happy and we can feel togetherness ect.
If I am not happy, i am not together with the RIGHT person . , when i find the RIGHT person i Will become happy.
Ambivalent - avoidant: the ambivalent can Long like they did in their childhood With an avoidant partner The ambivalent maximises and the avoidant minimises the contact. This dynamic Can Be touch for both og Them, But mostly for the ambivalent because they can feel All their feelings. The avoidant have closed off from their feeling from their neck down. If the ambivalent stops chacing and stands still Then the relationship will often end as the avoidant doesn't chase. If the ambivalent is together with a.person with desorganised attatchment style, then it can feel.very intense and there can sometimes be drama. The relationship can end aruptuly.
Shame has 2 ways to steer you: By criticizing you: You're not good enough, handsome enough, intelligent enough, successful enough, rich enough, slim enough, entertaining enough, happy enough. By asking you, "Who do you think you are?
What do you do about these two - your inner critic?
Find out where the critical voice comes from Tip: Also look into your childhood. Someone may not have said these things to you. They may just as well have been signed to you indirectly
Even though you are probably the harsh voice of the critical voice, examine how it has actually protected you. Originally. And now! You can be sure that its intention is positive. That it works to take care of you. Even you can be loved
If that is possible for you, appreciate its intention and its great efforts. Maybe it has worked 24/7 without holidays or just one day off
If you are too angry with your inner critic to appreciate it, allow the anger. Say (you can write it on paper) to your inner critic: "I'm angry with you all the times you've said that ... .." "I am so angry that I would like to ..."
Then ask your inner critic to help you be loved and Be a part of the group in a better way!
People with anxious/preoccupied attachment styles, may have difficulty regulating their emotions and may have a tendency to get emotionally hijacked. When they are activated, they are likely to feel strong emotions that lead them to think of painful events and other past transgressions. They are likely to desire and welcome the apology and yet are also likely to be reactivated by it and re-experience strong emotions. Attachment researchers have termed this paradox “revolving anger.” Consider for example, how an anxiously attached toddler behaves in the “strange situation” research paradigm. In this situation, the toddler is briefly separated and then reunited with his/her mother. Researchers observe and code the child’s reactions across this separation and reunion. An anxiously attached toddler is immensely relieved and leans into his mothers comforting arms when she picks him up, only to start yelling at her and hitting her moments later. Now think about the last time you tried to apologize and comfort your anxious relationship partner.
People with anxious styles may have a need to re-process what happened in order to release negative emotions and reach a state of forgiveness. In order to get to that point, they need to have ambiguity eliminated and to know that you “get it” if you are apologizing to them. They need a more comprehensive apology with time for them to process with the offender after the apology is delivered.
Example: An anxiously attached person and a relative have a tense interaction in front of others at a family gathering. The anxiously attached person wants to apologize but the other (dismissing) person approaches them first and apologizes for their behavior. The anxious person starts to say they are sorry for their part too, but the other person cuts them off and just restates the apology and quickly ends the conversation. The anxiously attached person has no chance to process their side of the interaction and leaves the exchange more bothered than they were before.
If the anxious/preoccupied person is apologizing: Get clear on our motive for apologizing. Just wanting to be forgiven and get back in another person’s good graces so that you do not have to worry about being disliked or experience negative emotions yourself is not a good reason.
If the anxious/preoccupied person is being apologized to: Before apologizing to your anxiously attached friend or partner commit to your course of action. If this person escalates and reengages in expressing anger toward you, do not run away, remain emotionally and physically present, listen actively, and do not become defensive.
Keep in mind some common themes:
Do not go into an apology expecting to be forgiven. You may not be. And, no matter what, try your best not to lash out or get angry at another person for not forgiving you. Sometimes we do bad things and simply have to pay the price for our actions. Lost relationships and some level of pain are sometimes a part of that. Example: My son, says “I’m sorry, dad. Do you forgive me?”…meaning, can I avoid the consequences for my behavior? The answer is yes, I forgive you. But no, you still get to have the consequence. Do not apologize when doing so could harm the person you are apologizing to or other people. Think it through carefully. Do not apologize for one thing and bring up your partners transgressions in the next sentence Do consider your motives for apologizing and recognize the extent to which you are doing this for you or the other person. Above all, remember that you also are a person who deserves your respect, kind words, and support. Be kind to yourself and honor your own well-being.
Love equals infatuation and desire - if one misses the other or the other misses you then it is love. (No. Missing doesn't necessarily have anything to do with love. Falling in love - crush is in the old part of the brain. Love on the other hand is a warm, deep, calm feeling.)
2. Physical attraction means the other is the right one. (You don't know. You can be attracted without falling in love. What has been bad in one's childhood is what gives the attraction. Check out to see if it is healthy for you to enter the relationship / stay in the relationship)
3. Doubt means the relationship is not right. (no not necessarily. It's more of an inner doubt. Feel inside yourself what is loving and right for you and what you want.)
4. Love requires a lot of compromise. (It is important not to make compromises that drains you. It is important not to lose yourself. Ask if this is good for you and ask yourself what the long term effects will be if you stay in the relationship.)
5. You have to get along with only a friendly relationship, a conflict-filled relationship or you have to go your separate ways. (No not nessarily. You can work on becoming a swan couple if you both are willing to do the work. To become a swan couple it takes: (stoney brook university) 1 physical touch and handholding and sex/making love. Oxytocin will keep you together. 2 you and your partner experience new adventures together which create dopamine in the brain 3 a good partnership / good friendship.
Boundaries Both the disorganized and the ambivalent can find it difficult to set boundaries.
The disorganized can find it difficult to sense their own boundaries, the boundaries of others because they have had their b crossed their boundaries in their childhood. They may have difficulty labeling them because they are desociated. Somehow sometimes they can sense their boundaries but they are in doubt whether they are okay.
The ambivalent can often sense their boundaries if they take the time to feel them. Pause. They can give up their own boundaries and needs. This is because they often lose themselves in relationships and are over in the other person. They often compromise too much in relationships. They have to be aware of wether or not compromises drain them or not.
One had just left her on / off boyfriend and was clearly in a grief process. Here it would make so good sense that all the feelings like grief and anger of it could not be possible for her to get her need met. Because even if it's not anyone's "fault," there will always be frustration that the dream of being together could not succeed. And that frustration should not be allowed to propagate on a deeper level and become an affirmation that her needs cannot be met in a relationship. We prevent this by working with, among other things, working with the anger / frustration. Also working with the intention: "I trust that in my next couple relationship I will be met in all my needs"
I have got some ambivalent attatchmentstyle and my partner has got some avoidant attatchmentstyle.
I am ambivalent and he is probably avoidant, we often run into a devastating diaglog when my fear of being abandoned shows up. I am afraid of being abandoned and my nervous system it going crazy, when triggered. I am affraid that he will leave me for another woman. There has been 2-3 real episodes that have crossed the line, though not physically by any means. But it has amplified my uncertainty.
We often have these dialogues, where I get anxious and upset and need his care and affirmation. I'm probably getting accusatory in some form and he's retreating to protect himself. What I really do is pushing him further away, when I need care and recognition of my fears.
We have talked about, that in the future we will do the following to stop the dialogue:
me: now my system is triggered and I feel the fear.
him: cares about me, say i am the woman of his life and asks what i need from him now.
Answer: You may remember that your fear is 10% about your boyfriend and 90% about the old story. Recognize this inside yourself as it triggers you. You can support yourself by taking care of "little-xxxx" if you can get in touch with her inside of you. Where can you feel her in the body? Put a hand on the bodypart and say something to her like,: "I'm here for you now. I know you felt abandoned at that time, but I'm here for you now little girl". And then give her a hug
You can also do the water tank exercise to land the nervous system.
If your boyfriend can be caring and can be in contact with the part of himself, where he feels, that you are the woman of his life and he can hug you, while he cares for you (words count only 7%) it can be very helpful for your relationship and your intimacy in the relationship.
If he finds it difficult to understand your feelings and your anxiety, you can try to explain the definition of the ambivalent attatchmentstyle and what has happend to you in the past, that has created your ambivalent pattern. Keep it simple and explain it with facts and not with too much emotion.
It is so good, that you dare to be vulnerable to your boyfriend.