When you have an ambivalent / anxious attachment style, research shows that you tend to carry an unconscious inner image of yourself in relation to others (a so-called inner work model), which is linked to low selfworth, ie. to the feeling that you're ok, but I'm not ok.
This hidden negative perception of yourself can e.g. cause you to:
- think that your own values and preferences are less important than your partner's. - let your partner decide how you spend evenings, weekends and holidays. - is anxious to stand by yourself when you disagree with your partner. - takes responsibility for your partner's mistakes and thinks that it is especially your fault when you have problems as a couple. - The negative filter on yourself can fill you with ‘victim anger’ and make you criticize your partner and rebel. In that case, you risk being locked in a destructive victim role with power struggles or conflicts that stifle love.
The solution is to create equality in the relationship.
Make room for your values, shape your joint decisions, learn to put yourself through and remember that your partner is also responsible for the problems that arise between you.
By taking these developmental steps, you can transform the feeling of being wrong - and build an ability to stand by yourself and contribute positively to the relationship. Ie. that you can develop an inner belief that you are ok and I am ok.
I just re-read the "Living as if single while in a relationship" article, and hit close to home.
This is something I've been feeling the need to do lately, a year and a half into my relationship. As an AP, I definitely struggle to keep my head out of my boyfriend's proverbial a**, lol.
I have some vacation time coming up and I really want to travel. At first, I talked to boyfriend about going somewhere together, but as the time came to plan, I found I felt resistant. I really love traveling solo, and can go somewhere far more exotic alone, because boyfriend doesn't have a passport, he's never left the country. I've done plenty of solo travel and feel fine with it.
So yesterday I talked with him and turns out he doesn't feel bad at all if I go on an adventure without him. So booked myself a 7 day solo trip abroad and feel so excited and empowered!!! Before I go, he and I will do a little local trip together.
STOP interpreting other people, based on who you are 🧐 The difference between an ambivelent and an avoidant attatched diary 🤔😂 (originally a woman's and a man's diary)
AMBIVALENT (her) diary: I think my husband is behaving strangely tonight. We have planned to meet at a restaurant for dinner. I was out shopping with my girlfriends all day, so I thought he was mad, because I was a little late, but he did not say anything about it. We did not really talk to each other. I suggested we go to a restaurant, that was a little quieter, so that we could talk better together. He accepted, but still did not say much. I asked him what was wrong. He just replied, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault, that he was angry. He said, that he was not angry, and that it had nothing to do with me, and that I should not worry. On the way home, I told him I loved him. He smiled and continued driving. I can not explain his behavior, and I do not understand why he did not say, "I love you too". When we got home, I felt like I had lost him, that he did not wanted anything to do with me anymore. He just sat and watched TV. He continued to be absent. In the end, I decided to go to bed, because we did not talk together after all. After about 15 minutes, he also went to bed, but I could still feel that he was absent and that his thoughts were in a completely different place. He fell asleep and I cried. I do not know what to do. I'm almost sure his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
AVOIDANT (his) diary: My motorcycle will not start - I simply can not figure out why.
Her feelings are characterized by the fact that she experiences his introversion and interprets it as if he does not want HER - what happens to him is probably that he thinks about how he can solve the problem with his motorcycle and he is therefore not accessible. This is not durable , as in loving in the long run in their relationship but thats another talk
They both contribute to the "dance". She could - instead of asking him what's wrong - tell him, that she gets upset / insecure when he is that silent. AND that she would like to hea,r about what concerns him, even if it has nothing to do with her, or is not something she can do anything about, or he thinks it will bore her ...
Yes! Exactly the case sometimes 😂
The good thing is, when he is calm he can see that I am there for him and demonstrate that daily in meaningful ways. It is better if he can let me know he needs some attention instead of make assumptions and then go into overdrive. I care about his feeling and his need for security, and it's much easier to meet that need when he's not actively pushing me away with an insecure reaction. We have come a long way and I know it's absolutely possible to grow more secure as a couple, even AP and DA can do it but it requires both sides to be willing and committed to outgrowing patterns that are painful and destructive. We have a lot to celebrate in our relationship and thankfully that hasn't diminished even through the hard times.
For me, I know it's important to him that I be present during our time together, so I catch myself from going into an internal abyss and sometimes he catches me too. But, I also need to balance myself with time to be in my own head, some alone time to settle what I have inside of me. It's about balance.
Do people with mainly ap style always go from one relationship to another realtionship or ?
Some ap s can be alone for a while after a breakup, oftentimes because it can be sooo difficult and such a struggle for an ap to leave a relationship even if they "know" that they are with the wrong person, and thats why they can hesitate to enter a new relationsship.
Never stop doing the things you love as soon as you get into a relationship. If you're the type of person who drops appointments to spend time with your sweetheart, remember your focus so you do not make the same mistakes again.
Write a list of all the things you love to do.
Look at the list when you meet someone who can take your focus away and remind yourself to do at least one of the things on the list at least once a week. Write a list of the pros and cons that may be. Remember to be honest with yourself. Feel good, deep down, so that you end up giving the right answer, so that you do not get a stomach ache or regret your answer.
If you are already in a relationship, be honest with yourself. Stand by yourself that you tend to be a pleaser and that you are in the process of changing that. This reminder to yourself will make it easier not to lose yourself in the process.
Find time for yourself. See your friends, at least once a week. Spend time with them, with and without your partner. Set aside time alone. Practice liking your own company. Listen to your inner little voice, which tells you that you deserve to love and not least to be loved.
I have found, that loving has nothing to do with butterflies and falling in love - two things I have not known before.
Now I love my boyfriend with a great calm in my body and in my stomach. The love for him does not give me butterflies in the stomach - nor does it give contractions and turmoil ect. in the stomach. It gives me a sense of security and warmth, and it gives me the optimal possibilities to be the best version of myself.
The process has taught me to appreciate the feeling that pure love gives me. In the past, I could only appreciate the butterflies in my stomach, that the crush gave me (when I thought butterflies = love)
Through my work, I have learned that love has to be cultivated and worked on. But although love at times may feel less due to bad periods, I've found, that it does not mean it's gone. It just means that you just have to remember to grow it a little more again.