Healing anxious ambivalent attatchment, tips and tricks ect.
Jun 8, 2018 15:53:48 GMT
tnr9, notalone, and 5 more like this
Post by anne12 on Jun 8, 2018 15:53:48 GMT
AMBIVALENT OR ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT STYLE
The love and presence has been there in the form of mother / father, only to disappear without warning. Then it might come back again, only to disappear again (yo-yo), without the child being able to figure out when love was available. Therefore, the child will be busy figuring out how to get in touch with the parents/caregivers and how to get love. Because the child sometimes succeeded in getting love. The child therefore believes, it has something to do with the child himself.
In our culture most of us have a part of this connection style. Unfortunately, it will not be less widely in the near future.
One reason is because we handing our little children to the care of others, for example nurseries and daycare/kindergarden. Mom and dad are there, then they are gone, then they are back again, etc. Before the child is big enough to completely figure out when. It's about the child retains the confidence and trust, that love and caregivers are there continuously..
Parents who were stressed out,
parents who went on vacation for a longer time,
a parent who was hospitalised,
if you as a child were hospitalised
ect.
In contrast with some adult avoidants, who were tasked as children with regulating their caregiver’s self-esteem, some ambivalents have a history of taking care of their caregiver’s emotional well-being, often becoming early victims (before age 14) of parent-child role reversal.
Important critical periods in life:
0-2/3 years old, teenager, when you move from your parents, your first love/partner with whom you have lived with, loosing important relationships later in life (parents/grandparents who died, loss of job, loosing people/friends/partners who were important to you ect)
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/3916/adolescent-brain-second-window-opportunity
For some children nothing in particular has happend, but there has been emotionel neclect - a lack of/not enough of:
warmth
comfort
physical touch
presence
attention
interest
joy
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2922/emotionel-neclect
Dan Siegel:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGhZtUrpCuc
Regulation:
External Regulation
· Attachment system too ON
· Feel they can only settle or get needs met by Others
Narrative style:
· Many words
. Overuse of words
· Much emotion
· Can have lots of negative complaints
· Mix Past/Present
. Pressure to speak
Brain dominance:[/b]
Stronger on RIGHTemisphere
May flood with emotions
Stuck in Past
The bodylanguage of the ambivalent:
They articulate a lot with their body, they can use a lot of facical expressions and they can seem very much "alive". You can often watch how their feelings can come out of their body.
Some types of ambivalents can sometimes collaps into tears.
They often lean forward, when they are talking to you. They seek eyecontact ect.
they are very sociable
They can be very charming
They like to talk about feelings - sometimes they can get overwhelmed by their own feelings
In a conversation they can suddenly remember something they have felt once, and then they can get all comsumed about their own feelings and experiences and they can forget about you and what you were talking about
They can be very emotionel
They can talk a lot or just listen and ask questions
They can be overfocused on you and they can therefore leave themselves
They can be more feminine leaning
They are often more symphathetic leaning
Corrective experience:
· Develop sense of self, not so lost in Others
· Practice Receiving
· Connect to Caring Behaviors and Consistency
. Getting "up on the balcony", so that they can see clearly whats going on, not so overwhelmed by their own feelings (from the past)
More about Narrative and Ambivalent Attachment:
Ambivalent can push others away by asking, talking and be overwhelming, especially with Avoidant.
They go over-and-over old injuries and has difficulty letting go, which often wear down those around them.
Ambivalent can lean toward the negative
Past-focused
May over-state their injuries and amplify them
Overly-focused on abandonment
Often creates disharmony with exaggerated responses
If the ambivalent preoccupied stop their signal-cry, IT Will take Them into their fear of abandoment. Their survival triggers comes up that Will tell Them, that something bad Will happen and their attatchment system Will come out of overdrive, their stomac can get tight, they can start to get a headace and their NO can come up.
Presenting caracteristics:
Craves connection ,
simultaneously pushes others away
Ignores caring behaviors
Lack of self-soothing
Fear of abandonment
Difficulty trusting
Misreads cues (negatively)
Separation distress
Caregiver pattern:
Role reversal
On-again/off-again parenting
Intrusive, no boundaries
Intermittent reward
Self-absorbed, preoccupied with own attachment wounds
Inconsistent responsiveness
Speaking to the Heart of the Ambivalent Pattern:
Approach one thing at a time
Encourage self-soothing
Encourage self-regulation
Needs to see caring behaviors consistently
How does it feel to have your needs met?
More signs of Ambivalent Attachment style/ambivalent traits:
(REMEMBER: often you only have some of the traits combined with some of the other attatchmentstyles!)
You have persistent anxiety, frustration or despair in love
You are having trouble calming down and "landing" yourself, when you are emotionally or alertly affected - you need someone else to help you with this
You need attention to your needs
You are unsure whether you can get your needs met - or if it's even okay to have needs or wishes in a relationship
You can fear (unconsciously) that the need will cause defeat - that the other will push you away if you express your needs
You exaggerate (unconsciously) emotions and needs! Because you basically do not believe that you can get your needs met
You're comfortable with what's available - instead of asking for what you really need
You are eager to please others - even though it may hurt yourself
You sometimes give to recieve - and then create distance from the other, if he / she does not give as much as you do
You often prioritize the other person over yourself. You overfocus on the needs of the other
You easily lose yourself in the relationship
You may have obsessive thoughts about your partner. Or about what others think of you. Thoughts that shifts back and forth in your head
You are easily flooded with the feelings of the past - and unconsciously project the past into the present. The filter between past feelings and present is thin
You have high expectations for others - approaching to the perfectionist
You identify (unconsciously) with "I'm longing - but I have not". So even if you get love and care, you have difficulty accepting and take it in
If the other is / becomes available, you easily lose interest. So you typicaly turn around and look for a new man / woman you can not get
You confuse (unconscious) longing and love. You think love, if you miss!
You may not feel good enough, that you do not deserve to get love
You can have low self-esteem
You may have depression
You may experience emptiness
You can interrupt family relationships
You often have short relationships - possibly your in friendships too
You can misread others social cues and facical expressions. You tend to overanalyse and read facical expressions negatively.
You can have a problem with oversharing
Anxiously attached people say they want pleasure, but their life experience has taught them to be more comfortable with pain because it's familiar. In identifying with deprivation, ambivalently attached people reject love when it truly manifests because it feels unfamiliar and disorienting
Possible issues in the relationship:
You can have (big) emotional outbursts and become easily flooded by the emotions (which is mix from the past). You think it's all about your partner, and does not see your flood to a great extent stems from your past
Or You are more quiet and more sad and implodes instead of explode. (There are two types of ambivalent)
You're easy to complain and blame your partner for everything ... but often indirectly and martyrically, say, "You'd also rather be with the others", "You always think of your work first", "I do everything possible for you "
As there are TWO types of ambivalent, the other type is more quiet, becomes sad instead of getting angry, implodes, do a lot for their partner. This type do not blame the other, like the more "angry" type of ambivalent.
You may need to take responsibility fully of yourself and thus become easily dissatisfied - push it over to the partner. A victim role that is typically unconscious. You think: "If only he / she .... Then we / I would be happy"
You often push your partner away - creating your own worst nightmare!
Because sometimes you provide to make sure you are not rejected, your partner may feel angry without knowing why. He / she can feel like being manipulated and that there is a price, for what you give - which there can also be!
When your partner becomes fully available and loves you - you can turn around the dynamics and become inaccessible and sabotage the loving contact
Your partner may find that her / his love is being rejected or prone to you, as if you can not spot it or experience it. That he / she can never do enough to prove that his / her love is to be trusted. Because you may have difficulty taking in the love. The conviction is often (unconscious): "Yes, yes, you love me right now - but what about tomorrow? Then you're gone!
Protest behaviors/activating strategies: (Levine and Heller)
When your attatchments system gets activated (could also be under external stress).
Levine and Heller have a good list of Protest Behaviors/activating strategies:
• Calling, texting, or e-mailing many times, waiting for a phone call, loitering by your partner’s workplace in hopes of running into him/ her.
• Withdrawing: Sitting silently “engrossed” in the paper, literally turning your back on your partner, not speaking, talking with other people on the phone and ignoring him/her.
• Keeping score: Paying attention to how long it took them to return your phone call and waiting just as long to return theirs; waiting for them to make the first “make-up” move and acting distant until such time.
• Acting hostile: Rolling your eyes when they speak, looking away, getting up and leaving the room while they’re talking (acting hostile can transgress to outright violence at times).
• Threatening to leave: Making threats—“ We’re not getting along, I don’t think I can do this anymore,” “I knew we weren’t really right for each other,” “I’ll be better off without you”—all the while hoping [partner] will stop you from leaving.
• Manipulations: Acting busy or unapproachable. Ignoring phone calls, saying you have plans when you don’t.
• Making him/ her feel jealous: Making plans to get together with an ex for lunch, going out with friends to a singles bar, tselling your partner about someone who hit on you today. If more, the ambivalent can push the partner away
How can the ambivalent know if they are activated:
Feeling uncomftable, stomac hurting, stomac cramps, heart pain, over thinking, ect
The way forward - how do you heal your Ambivalent / nervous attachment pattern:
Stable, lasting relationships can heal you! All in all, a love you can count on in the long run. The spiritual can also be a great healing if you otherwise maintain grounding
Begin to look for signs that your partner wants contact and want the relationship with you, love you - instead of looking after your partner is there for too little. Check if your experience of the situation is realistic or colored by your "glasses" (convictions) as you see things through. What you are looking for is what you see! What you give attention is growing!
Exercise yourself to stay present in the moment, when you get love and care. Allow yourself to feel the things, that it brings up in you
Get to know yourself. Practice your needs and express them clearly. Practice takeing care 100% of yourself and your needs. Do not expect others to do this
Stop giving - Practice asking in a direct way instead! Also accept a no
Stop obsessive thoughts about others! Stop the thoughts that crush your head around him or her over and over again.
Stop thinking about what others think about you. If they even think of you, yes, they will in any case think what they are thinking. You nevertheless, are not able to change it. Use your energy better. Ask yourself instead: "What do I want?
Practice being present, present in the moment - both alone and when in contact with others. Learn to regulate your nervous system yourself. That means that you can - instead of needing another to help you get back to the precent: That you can land emotionally but also bodily on top of your floods from the past.
Face the reality: Relationship changes and sometimes they end! Understand that you can not control the love of another person, no matter how much you put your power into it!
Realize that you already deserve love - just because you are - it's your birthright ... that you do not have to do a lot or something destined to deserve love! On the contrary, go to therapy to come home for yourself! To heal the past so it does not flood you. To learn how to balance your "floods" with the help of your own efforts
If you are a male, it can be a good thing to work with you masculinity with a therapist.
An attatchment thearpist explains, that there are two types of ambivalent attatchment styles and how it is played out (both can show up in the same person, but there can be two types of ambivalent):
1: Putting your own needs to the side, forgetting about yourself ect. and "cater" your partner and her/his needs, thinking or saying ("what do you want, what do you like, wich restaurant do you want to go to...") - not voicing your own needs and what you want to do. Forgetting about your own needs and wants in life. (It is my own fault, there is something wrong with me). This type more feels sadness than anger.
2: Complaining about your partner - a bit angry, "why do you always leave your close on the floor", why do you always have to work", "if you just did this, then I would....", "you never do...", "You do not love me...." (It is your fault, that I do not get love). A lot of anger is often a sign, that they have been "droped" many times as children. Often they do not understand their own anger and neither do their partner.
When do the ambivalent typically leave a relationship:
Typically after 3 months, 2 or 3 years, 5 years, 10 years.
When the other person has become fully avaliable.
E.g.
When their partner say “I love you”
when moving in together,
when buying a House together,
when getting married,
when having children ect.
Diane Poole Heller says:
Their signal cry is turned to much on.
Corrective Experiences for this attachment style include reetablishing a felt sense of consistency and the ability to receive love and caring when these essential qualities are actually present. “I want and yearn for love and connection but cannot have it.” The basic personal identity is formed around that idea —the “parent--‐patterned” experience that “I can want, but cannot have”. This can result in yet another dilemma that it is critical for the Anxiously attached person to realize:
If and when love actually presents itself, they often need to create distance themselves or dismiss the love in order to keep this original identification intact. They then create their own orst nightmare by never being available to receive the love they so actively seek because, paradoxically and predictably, it has to be rejected or deflected for selfidentity to remain intact.
(The attatchmentsystem kicks in after 1-2 years, when the partner is being precieved as permanent - at this time is when ambivalents can stop/ sabotage the relationsship. To recive takes them into the abandoment. They think, when they get love, it is not going to last (because what happend is the past). The mark for leaving is often after 2 years of relationship!
As therapists, we need to help our clients to see this pattern if it fits and to actively “disorient them towards health.” It entails restructuring the identity to regain its capacity to actually receive love.
Healing Exercises include increasing one’s capacity to receive love and nurturing from others without dismissing it.
As easy as it sounds on the surface, this is very challenging. The identity of the Anxiously-attached adult is literally based on “I can want, but I cannot have.” Or, “I cannot have without the uncontrollable and unpredictable loss that I am always anxiously awaiting and anticipating.”
Another relevant exercise is to have the client look at all the ways people in their lives try to show them love. The Five Languages of Love is a good reference. Have the person see if they dismiss or minimalize others’ love for them. It is helpful to point out how painful it may be for their partners or friends to have the love they offer deflected. I had that happen in my own life when my partner said how much he loved me and how much it hurt him that I could not seem to take it in. I initially felt insulted and was certain that he was wrong—until I took an honest look at myself and realized I did not feel deserving of love, and was determined to believe that his love could not be true.
Let me share another example of how painful this can be for an Anxiously-attached individual. I once had a friend share with me that when her boyfriend would turn over in his sleep away from her she would experience a terrible sense of abandonment and a severe sense of loss. She would lie in bed weeping even although she knew cognitively that he was simply turning in his sleep and not really leaving her.
It seems that this turning away was enough of a trigger to re-stimulate the intermittent reward patterning of the “here today, gone tomorrow” style of loving from unpredictable parents. This causes the child to be stressed while searching to attach to a moving target, never knowing when the rug will be pulled out from under them—even when the love was real and present for them because they could lose the love at any moment and not understand why. Instead of the parent’s interactions with the child increasing self or interactive regulation, the inconsistency actually increases the relational distress. This terrible unpredictability sets up a hyper-areness of the “other,” and an over-focus on looking for need satisfaction, nurturing, or external love.
Because of this pattern, the Anxiously-attached person remains anxious because they lose contact with themselves, in fact abandon themselves, and then try to get themselves back from other people. The obvious trouble lies in the fact that you can’t get yourself back from others. You get yourself back by learning to recognize or develop your sense of self and to stay connected to yourself in the first place—when alone and in the presence of others. You include yourself in the relational field rather than all of your attention flowing out into the other.
Anxiously-attached persons want interactive regulation and affect modulation with others and prefer not, or lack the capacity, to self soothe or self-regulate. Avoidantly- attached persons prefer the opposite. In Secure Attachment both can return to having self-regulation as well as interactive regulation and affect modulation in a harmonious way. This opens many more options for well-being.
Another exercise teaches clients how to stay connected to their inner self with greater ease as they learn to keep their sense of self intact when in the presence of others. This requires developing a dual awareness: one that does not eliminate the self but includes the other in the relational field without using manipulation.
Another paradox is that once you abandon yourself for another, you are in double trouble. When you leave YOU, you are, by definition, disconnected and abandoned. And in abandoning yourself, where are you going to go?
You can’t, in reality, leave yourself! REALLY, where are you going to go? Until we learn to stay connected to ourselves in the presence of others we are doomed to be and feel abandoned. We must recognize this pattern as an internalized map that came from early bonding deficits and repair connection to self and redefine connection to others so we do not continue to see the partner or other as the Source. It is a perceptual trick. Once you learn to stay connected to your inner core, you will naturally find it a stable, consistent source of nourishment and fulfillment, as well as finding contact nutrition from relationships outside of the self.
Rocking the attatchment exercise
m.youtube.com/watch?v=EoAqXh8hOZ4
Another attatchment/SE therapist also suggests:
Methods to generally land the nervous system, for example, the water tank exercise (the instinktive level), felt sence exercise, getting into the now exercise.
Felt sensations is more important, than feeling the feelings when activated, as the ambivalent often gets overwhelmed by their own feelings!!
Methods to get more into the secure attachment style use "getting into secure attatchment" exercise.
Methods to heal some of the more specific events from childhood, that helped to form the pattern of the victimrole. Use the paradoxial change method and the "anger meditation" - Leonard Jacobsen/two chair exercise.
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/880/self-regulating-regulation-exercises-ect
(The paradoxial change method)
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1128/accepting-paradoxial-change-method
Selfworth:
The AP always have to Work with their selfworth because they can have a tendencie to leave themselves:
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1051/love-tips
Caretaking:
Their negative early life experiences with preoccupied caregiver(s), they are often present with problems with self-regulation. Easily overtaxed by responsibilities (e.g., school, work, marriage, children), ambivaents often view themselves not only as overwhelmed, but as envious of and threatened by their partner’s ability to do whatever he or she wants. Feeling the underdog, the ambivalent can complain about not getting the help they need or deserve. These individuals believe in their special abilities to emotionally care for others, including and especially their partners. This is not simply a delusion of grandeur, though this ability is usually overblown; in contrast with some adult avoidants, who often were tasked as children with regulating their caregiver’s self-esteem, some ambivalents have a history of taking care of their caregiver’s emotional well-being, often becoming early victims (before age 14) of parent-child role reversal. They mistakenly inflate their impoverished abilities to emotionally regulate others.
If you are a pleaser:
Get out of the clamp of pressure and expectations.
Release expectations that you think others have for you, but that is your own expectations for yourself.
Practice giving yourself freedom and space. It is not about burning other people off and being indifferent to obligations, etc.
It's just about standing by yourself and your choices.
Pracitise "dissapointing" other people.
A person who rests in himself and who is at home with himself, is a very interesting and rewarding company. If you have left yourself, it´s like giving the keys to your house, to your partner, can when the partner drops by for a visit, it´s like nobody is at home/there is nobody to in the house. And how fun is that ? .
If you let the other person rule their own life and you let go of control, and you surrender yourself to the present moment and let your partner do what he/she finds best, then the masculine and feminine energy can flow freely between the masculine and the feminine pole.
For a while, you can practise to only help others, when they have asked you to. Or you can ask "Do you need any help from me?" (Helping without beeing asked, can make you cross other peoples boundaries - and do you really want to be that type of person? What would you think, if other people, did that to you?)
Whenever you get the urge to help, you should ask yourself, "If I never receive credit or thanks for this favor, do I still want to grant it?"
www.amazon.com/Anxious-Please-Revolutionary-Practices-Chronically/dp/1402206526
(also check out books by Sue Patton Thoele)
www.elephantjournal.com/2018/10/how-to-set-healthy-boundaries-even-when-you-dont-think-you-need-them/?fbclid=IwAR3bpPKlaMdwx8BoN8ahyY06yr2e-LCIYZEvhr_Ty9KnYrEoEJteb9TQk7k
Why it can be poisening to say yes:
jebkinnison.boards.net/thread/2460/problem-saying
Skills and deficits:
On the neurobiological level, particular skills and deficits are common to the ambivalent profile.
On the skill side, we might see expressiveness (they tend to be more expressive with their faces and their voices), warmth, empathy, humor, vitality, and social emotional awareness.
On the deficits side, we see thin boundaries; misappraisals of another person’s feelings, thoughts, and intentions; preoccupation with self and others; a poorly developed vagal brake, they may complain about feeling overwhelmed more than others. They also have a tendency to have more of a negativity bias so they may regurgitate old hurts in the midst of an argument. It can feel like they never really let go of anything..
Speech patterns:
They tend to like to talk, especially at night as they are settling down. They tend to be more expressive with their faces and their voices. They often talk too fast or too erratically. They may feel a need to say as much as possible about a given topic, with the result that the quantity of their speech is too great. These partners often take too long to get to their point or to get their point across, and may bring up tangential or irrelevant material without realizing they are doing so.
Complaining:
Type 2 ambivalent type. Cronic complaing. The complaining connects to a signal cry. (As long as I keep talking, crying, complaining I have a better chance to connect to my caregiver). If they feel their needs are getting met, they fear is if I cive up my complaining/signal cry, I will loose the person.
Text messages and phone calls:
On days, where you do not see/meet your partner:
Also check "the rubber band exercise", "the watertank exercise", "coming into the now exercise", "I choose too post it exercise" ect.
A good sentence for the ambivalent to say to themselves:
What goes wrong for many is that they let others decide their feelings, inner states and external actions.
Not intentionally, but completely unconscious. The auto pilot takes over and creates internal turmoil and often external turmoil.
When we let others decide on our feelings, inner states and external actions, it typically happens completely unconsciously and based on one's inner work models. These are the ways we perceive others and ourselves and how we handle this situation.
People, with ambivalent attachment, are particularly vulnerable to others deciding their feelings, inner states and external actions.
WHAT CAN YOU DO?
These automotive patterns - can be managed to a certain extent by placing a conscious choice between impact and response.
For example, a person could have asked himself:
What do I want. Him?
Or what good reasons could he have for not responding as fast as I wish?
How can I be affectionate to myself, whether he writes or not?
Or she could have decided to focus on something else, even if it would be difficult for her.
Stop the thought as soon as it approaches ... do something physical or read something, sometimes it may be helpful to get the nervous system to land - also by the watertank exercise.
You can start doing this immediately. Type it down:
Many times daily - that's every time there's something you're reacting to either because of others or your own internal judge - say to yourself: I choose to ...
Put yellow post-it notes around in your home and at your work, where it says" I choose to ..." - so that you remember this.
Then you train that muscle to put an active choice, so that others do not have as much control over you.
(Stephen Covey's book 7 good habits.)
How to help your ambivalent partner to regulate under conflict (Stan Tatkin):
Remember that ambivalents are developed a little bit better than avoidants, when it comes to relaiting. They talk a lot, they have a view of the world that is based on meaning and emotion. They want to be close and cling, but when they get closeness, they can push you away.
They can wait for you to get close to them, instead of grabbing for what they want.
They can be sarcastic, mean, angry ect.
They respond well to aproching, touch, hug.
They do not shift very well from beeing with you to being alone, they have a hard time with separations and renunion.
They miss you, when you are gone and when they see you again, they can get angry (remember this is just a a reflex, and nothing personal!).
They expect you to think, that they are a pain in the ass, and they are afraid that you will drop them out of nowhere, when they relaxes into the relationsship. (Stan Tatkin)
Once preocuppied ambivalents are truly committed you may see the following tendencies emerge more strongly - how to work with your partner:
Ambivalents, like the rest of us, are subject to becoming more extreme versions of themselves once in a comitted relationsship. This has to do with breaching that final level of commitment to where our partners are now also family. We all carry around inside of us memories of how we were treated in childhood, and how we observed our family members treating each other. These templates are more flexible and less evident in our relationships with our friends and co-workers. Once someone enters into the realm of true family these templates are often re-activated in powerful ways and they tend to amplify our natural tendencies learned as children.
Fear abandonment, even in ways that seem more minor. Ambivalents experienced inconsistent parenting, such that they were sometimes coddled and given lots of attention but then sometimes unexpectedly rebuffed or pushed away and even shamed for being "too needy" or "too much". They intuitively expect the other shoe to drop and expect to be rejected. This gets worse with commitment for the reasons mentioned above. Your partner may start reacting to you leaving, even if you are just running some errands, causing you to feel bewildered and frustrated.
Know that departures can be triggering for them and leave with an extra dose of love.
Let them know that you are going but will be thinking of them while you are gone and look forward to seeing them when you get back. Give them a hug before you leave. Send them a text (doesn't have to be fancy, a heart or smiley face will do) while you are out. Think of them as a kid who gets nervous when their mom or dad are suddenly unavailable. They need reassurance around both departures and reunions.
Can get prickly when you reunite after being apart.
Again this can be VERY confusing for their partners, who have no idea that the separation was stressful. They come home from running some errands to an ambivalent partner picking a fight. Remember that they fear you leaving and when you do they may feel a surge of anger at being left. Since they tend to have trouble letting go of the past they may think about this the whole time you are gone. Then when you get back, wham! they let you have it. THEY DON'T DO THIS CONSCIOUSLY OR ON PURPOSE. Please, please, keep this in mind. It is no picnic for them either. No one likes to feel upset, so if your ambivalent partner is being cranky or downright mad remember that what is underneath that is emotional pain. They are hurting.
One of the most fool-proof ways to soothe a ambivalent partner is to hold them. They usually melt under touch. They also tend to love eye-contact. So hold them, gaze lovingly into their eyes and tell them that they can depend on you to never abandon them. Let them know that you know that they don't like it when they are alone and tell them you missed them! This, along with a good warm hug, usually works wonders on a cranky ambivalent partner.
Can ramp up their emotional intensity, especially if you are avoidant. [/b]Remember the opposite styles amplify each other. So if you are avoidant, after marriage or deep commitment you will tend to move away a bit. This is likely to bring about protest behavior from your partner. It may be more clinging or it may be more frustration and accusations about how aloof you are. Or both. Try to remember that an ambivalent person is like a fussy baby. They make a lot of noise and you may be inclined to simply leave rather than deal with the fuss. But just like a crying baby they need your help, love and soothing. They tend to calm down MUCH faster than their partners think. So moving in, using touch, soothing words and eye contact can usually get an ambivalent person to get some emotional equilibrium pretty quickly.
Even if you are not avoidant your partner may get extra emotional after the deep commitment. Be prepared for this and don't blame them or tell them they are crazy. They are expressing their fear that you are not going to connect to them. Ambivalents need a lot of connection and get more dramatic and emotionally messy when they don't get sufficient connection. Sadly they often unconsciously drive people away with their "fussiness", depriving themselves of the connection they need to get calm again. So know this and help them. It will pay you back tenfold in that you will not only have a more calm partner but you will have a partner who is eternally grateful to you for knowing what they need and giving it to them. Like avoidants ambivalents are often misunderstood. Your job is to not fall into that trap, to know them and take care of them.
May "spoil" things you try to do for them. This one is bound to make you feel crazy but remember they are not doing it intentionally. They want to be happy, just like any person does. However, since they have a childhood history of having the other shoe constantly dropped they anticipate being disappointed. So if you do something nice for them they may just turn around and "spoil" it somehow. If you take them out to dinner they may complain about the restaurant. If you buy them a gift they may tell you it's not their style, or the wrong color, or whatever. While the natural reaction to this would be to tell them to take a hike, you need to remember that they are acting from childhood pains.
Tell them how much you love them and that you know they have been disappointed in the past. Tell them you don't want to disappoint them and you are open to hearing what they need from you. Don't take it personally when they try to spoil a gift or kindness. I know it's a tall order but you will be healing a deep and very painful wound from their childhood. Which is really, in my opinion, what marriage is all about. And that's a two-way street, so when you heal your ambivalents painful childhood issues they will do the same in return. And once wounds are healed you will see a lot less of this behavior, so it pays dividends forward.
Tend to respond with a negative a lot of the time. So if you propose a vacation to the beach they are likely to tell you the five reasons that's a bad idea.
Don't bite. Just let them know that you know that they tend to find "what's wrong with the picture" before being willing to see what might be right. Tell them you are going to overlook their first response and give them another chance. If your partner is good with humor, you can say something like "OK my beautiful nattering naybob of negativity, now that you have gotten all the no's out of your system, can we revisit the idea?". Then flash them a loving smile. When used with love and kindness humor can be a great way to re-boot an activated partner.
May get really preoccupied with being "too much" or "too needy". Remember that they had childhoods where people alternately showered them with attention and told them they were too much and rebuffed them. So they are naturally afraid of overwhelming people. Paradoxically this leads to a lot of anxiety, which can make them more emotional, more clingy and more negative. Which has the unintended consequence of making their parter get exasperated with them!
Be on the lookout for your partner feeling judged as too needy or overwhelmig. They may misinterpret signals like you looking away during a conversation or sighing when they tell you something they need. Be careful to let your partner know they are NOT too much for you and that you have no intention of leaving them. Help them feel safe and secure and you will find their anxity will actually diminish!
May have trouble ending an argument or letting it go afterwards. They have trouble with endings, even arguments! They may keep it going because closing up something feels in a way like loss. They may also hold on to hurts from the past to act as a bulkhead against being vulnerable towards you in the future, which they fear will be rewarded with more hurt!
Help your partner let go in an argument by reminding them that while there may be a part of them that tends to hang on, their body and mind deserve relief. Hold them tight at the end of a rough conversation and reassure them that if they let go they are not going to be setting themselves up for additional injury.
Brenee Brown - empathy Vs sympathy: youtube
How can the ambivalent to stop obsessive thoughts about an ex (An attatchment/SE therapist explains):
1: Regulate/calm down the nerveussystem - with the watertank-exersice. It works in 95% of all cases. Use it every day. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/880/self-regulating-exercises
It can calm down the thoughts also!!!! Let someone help you, and after a while you can do it on your own - use it all the time when you are getting overwhelmed. Practice every day. (it is energy work, not meditation or yoga)
2: Anger - find out where did this show up with the ex partner - it can feel like anger or can feel like beeing a victim. Work with a therapist.
3: Healing of a broken hart
Why all these thoughts about the ex (even a secure ex):
The old history comes up in the system again (abandament is printed into the nerveussystem) - the way the ambivalent lost the first love from their parents (love=warmth, caring, nurturing, contact, love). The child have tasted Paradise, but lost it again before they "were full". The child thinks, that it is it´s own fault, and therefore the child is trying to figure out (overthinking), how to get constant love from the parent.
Look at both the positive and the negative from the relationship with the ex.
What was special in the relationship, was something missing from the past that played out in the relationship or and/or are you missing something in your life now? What can you do now?
(The ex could be secure)
When ever you think about an ex, your partner ect.:
Regulate your nerveus system and then ask: "What about ME, what do I want and need right now? Focus back to you. Do something good for yourself instead.
The rubberband exercise on how to stop obsessive thoughts and your inner chritic:
Put a rubber band on your wrist. Everyone you think about your ex ect. you pull the rubber and. This gives your system a micro shock.
The power of the bonding hormone oxytocin:
verilymag.com/2016/05/oxytocin-sex-differences-women-hormones-bonding-sex-trust
How to get more selfworth/selfesteem - how to love yourself more:
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1051/love-tips
Accepting all your feelings and what is:
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1128/accepting-paradoxial-change-method
Using this exercise several times a day, helps you to get into secure attatchment. Also use this before the anger meditation, if you are not the angry type of ambivalent, but the type of ambivalent that cater on their partner.
Texting, calling ect.:
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/948/starting-difficult-conversation-call-text
The five language of love:
www.5lovelanguages.com/
If you are an ap male, you can work with your masculinity with a therapist:
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1376/work-femininity-masculinity
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1052/story-dating-life
Tips on how to get out of the victim role and become proactive:
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1198/proactive-get-negativity-victim-role
AP and waiting:
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2890/waiting
How to set yourself free and how to forgive others:
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1161/set-free-forgive
Thoughts that can help you to feel more love:
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1154/thoughts-help-feel-more-love
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/996/find-love-stop-needyness
Trauma and shame:
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1007/trauma-shame
The ambivalent and complaining:
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1027/ambivalent-attatchment-complaining
Addicted to your partners feelings?
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1045/addicted-partners-feelings
Exercise on needs and interdependency:
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1078/independence-dependence-inter-codependence
Exercise on vulnerability:
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1010/vulnerable
Authenticity Vs attatchment
m.youtube.com/watch?v=l3bynimi8HQ
If your partner suddenly tells you, that she feels that you are further ahead, than she is in the relationsship:
That she can not give back the same emotionally as you give her. She says, she needs to bring balance in the "relationship", so she can follow again.
It is difficult when the other suddenly withdraws.
Therefore, it is always wise to start a relationsship a little slower. But you can not change that now.
So what you can do is to take it easy. Try to make things that gets your thoughts away from your partner. Yes, that's not easy.
You can write a text every now and then. But it must be completely neutral. And if you can have a little ease in it, it's super.
Either your partner is in the ambivalent / nervous attatchmentstyle. And then she lost interest, unfortunately. What could then make her interested again is, that you are not fully accessible.
But how cool would it be? It would just give you a yo-yo relationship.
The other possibility is, that she has got some disorganized atttchmentstyle.
In that case, she has gone a little into panicmode. And the best thing you can do, is to be there kindly. Show that it's ok that you can handle her reactions well. That she can trust you and expect you to keep calm even though she reacts strongly.
The problem with saying "I need"
m.youtube.com/watch?v=BgzWQH7_XDY
Caracters with mainly ap style:
Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City
m.youtube.com/watch?v=O2GSZOodPis#menu
m.youtube.com/watch?v=18Ew9XFmIUM
Martin (the bald guy) in "The Bonus Family"
vimeo.com/288502043
Lucy Van Pelt, Peanuts
m.youtube.com/watch?v=rIIgKJyMKBQ
m.youtube.com/watch?v=elD6Tv-8KOY
m.youtube.com/watch?v=3ohMo2dnDA4
Dan Siegel says:[/i][/b]
www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGhZtUrpCuc
www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPjhfUVgvOQ
Buttom up
m.youtube.com/watch?v=FOCTxcaNHeg
Avoidant and anxious ambivalent talks about their friendship and their attatchment styles
m.youtube.com/watch?v=RJtsPW6LwhY
Often we do not only have one attatchment style, but traits from different attatcmentstyles, that also needs to be healed:
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1188/4-attatchment-style-decription-test
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1071/healing-avoidant-da-attatchmentstyle
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1073/disorganized-trauma-speeder-brake-drama
Secure attatchment:
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1185/secure-attatchment-style
What kind of relationship do you want ?
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1852/prepare-create-future-relationship
(The information in this long thread is from various therapists working with the attatchment therapy and SE therapy in their work with clients.
There is also information from various experts around the world, SE experts, bodynamic workers, gestalt therapists, clinical psychologists, neurobiologists ect.
The material has not been edited. Therefore, there may be information from webinars and workshops
The love and presence has been there in the form of mother / father, only to disappear without warning. Then it might come back again, only to disappear again (yo-yo), without the child being able to figure out when love was available. Therefore, the child will be busy figuring out how to get in touch with the parents/caregivers and how to get love. Because the child sometimes succeeded in getting love. The child therefore believes, it has something to do with the child himself.
In our culture most of us have a part of this connection style. Unfortunately, it will not be less widely in the near future.
One reason is because we handing our little children to the care of others, for example nurseries and daycare/kindergarden. Mom and dad are there, then they are gone, then they are back again, etc. Before the child is big enough to completely figure out when. It's about the child retains the confidence and trust, that love and caregivers are there continuously..
Parents who were stressed out,
parents who went on vacation for a longer time,
a parent who was hospitalised,
if you as a child were hospitalised
ect.
In contrast with some adult avoidants, who were tasked as children with regulating their caregiver’s self-esteem, some ambivalents have a history of taking care of their caregiver’s emotional well-being, often becoming early victims (before age 14) of parent-child role reversal.
Important critical periods in life:
0-2/3 years old, teenager, when you move from your parents, your first love/partner with whom you have lived with, loosing important relationships later in life (parents/grandparents who died, loss of job, loosing people/friends/partners who were important to you ect)
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/3916/adolescent-brain-second-window-opportunity
For some children nothing in particular has happend, but there has been emotionel neclect - a lack of/not enough of:
warmth
comfort
physical touch
presence
attention
interest
joy
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2922/emotionel-neclect
Dan Siegel:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGhZtUrpCuc
Regulation:
External Regulation
· Attachment system too ON
· Feel they can only settle or get needs met by Others
Narrative style:
· Many words
. Overuse of words
· Much emotion
· Can have lots of negative complaints
· Mix Past/Present
. Pressure to speak
Brain dominance:[/b]
Stronger on RIGHTemisphere
May flood with emotions
Stuck in Past
The bodylanguage of the ambivalent:
They articulate a lot with their body, they can use a lot of facical expressions and they can seem very much "alive". You can often watch how their feelings can come out of their body.
Some types of ambivalents can sometimes collaps into tears.
They often lean forward, when they are talking to you. They seek eyecontact ect.
they are very sociable
They can be very charming
They like to talk about feelings - sometimes they can get overwhelmed by their own feelings
In a conversation they can suddenly remember something they have felt once, and then they can get all comsumed about their own feelings and experiences and they can forget about you and what you were talking about
They can be very emotionel
They can talk a lot or just listen and ask questions
They can be overfocused on you and they can therefore leave themselves
They can be more feminine leaning
They are often more symphathetic leaning
Corrective experience:
· Develop sense of self, not so lost in Others
· Practice Receiving
· Connect to Caring Behaviors and Consistency
. Getting "up on the balcony", so that they can see clearly whats going on, not so overwhelmed by their own feelings (from the past)
More about Narrative and Ambivalent Attachment:
Ambivalent can push others away by asking, talking and be overwhelming, especially with Avoidant.
They go over-and-over old injuries and has difficulty letting go, which often wear down those around them.
Ambivalent can lean toward the negative
Past-focused
May over-state their injuries and amplify them
Overly-focused on abandonment
Often creates disharmony with exaggerated responses
If the ambivalent preoccupied stop their signal-cry, IT Will take Them into their fear of abandoment. Their survival triggers comes up that Will tell Them, that something bad Will happen and their attatchment system Will come out of overdrive, their stomac can get tight, they can start to get a headace and their NO can come up.
Presenting caracteristics:
Craves connection ,
simultaneously pushes others away
Ignores caring behaviors
Lack of self-soothing
Fear of abandonment
Difficulty trusting
Misreads cues (negatively)
Separation distress
Caregiver pattern:
Role reversal
On-again/off-again parenting
Intrusive, no boundaries
Intermittent reward
Self-absorbed, preoccupied with own attachment wounds
Inconsistent responsiveness
Speaking to the Heart of the Ambivalent Pattern:
Approach one thing at a time
Encourage self-soothing
Encourage self-regulation
Needs to see caring behaviors consistently
How does it feel to have your needs met?
More signs of Ambivalent Attachment style/ambivalent traits:
(REMEMBER: often you only have some of the traits combined with some of the other attatchmentstyles!)
You have persistent anxiety, frustration or despair in love
You are having trouble calming down and "landing" yourself, when you are emotionally or alertly affected - you need someone else to help you with this
You need attention to your needs
You are unsure whether you can get your needs met - or if it's even okay to have needs or wishes in a relationship
You can fear (unconsciously) that the need will cause defeat - that the other will push you away if you express your needs
You exaggerate (unconsciously) emotions and needs! Because you basically do not believe that you can get your needs met
You're comfortable with what's available - instead of asking for what you really need
You are eager to please others - even though it may hurt yourself
You sometimes give to recieve - and then create distance from the other, if he / she does not give as much as you do
You often prioritize the other person over yourself. You overfocus on the needs of the other
You easily lose yourself in the relationship
You may have obsessive thoughts about your partner. Or about what others think of you. Thoughts that shifts back and forth in your head
You are easily flooded with the feelings of the past - and unconsciously project the past into the present. The filter between past feelings and present is thin
You have high expectations for others - approaching to the perfectionist
You identify (unconsciously) with "I'm longing - but I have not". So even if you get love and care, you have difficulty accepting and take it in
If the other is / becomes available, you easily lose interest. So you typicaly turn around and look for a new man / woman you can not get
You confuse (unconscious) longing and love. You think love, if you miss!
You may not feel good enough, that you do not deserve to get love
You can have low self-esteem
You may have depression
You may experience emptiness
You can interrupt family relationships
You often have short relationships - possibly your in friendships too
You can misread others social cues and facical expressions. You tend to overanalyse and read facical expressions negatively.
You can have a problem with oversharing
Anxiously attached people say they want pleasure, but their life experience has taught them to be more comfortable with pain because it's familiar. In identifying with deprivation, ambivalently attached people reject love when it truly manifests because it feels unfamiliar and disorienting
Possible issues in the relationship:
You can have (big) emotional outbursts and become easily flooded by the emotions (which is mix from the past). You think it's all about your partner, and does not see your flood to a great extent stems from your past
Or You are more quiet and more sad and implodes instead of explode. (There are two types of ambivalent)
You're easy to complain and blame your partner for everything ... but often indirectly and martyrically, say, "You'd also rather be with the others", "You always think of your work first", "I do everything possible for you "
As there are TWO types of ambivalent, the other type is more quiet, becomes sad instead of getting angry, implodes, do a lot for their partner. This type do not blame the other, like the more "angry" type of ambivalent.
You may need to take responsibility fully of yourself and thus become easily dissatisfied - push it over to the partner. A victim role that is typically unconscious. You think: "If only he / she .... Then we / I would be happy"
You often push your partner away - creating your own worst nightmare!
Because sometimes you provide to make sure you are not rejected, your partner may feel angry without knowing why. He / she can feel like being manipulated and that there is a price, for what you give - which there can also be!
When your partner becomes fully available and loves you - you can turn around the dynamics and become inaccessible and sabotage the loving contact
Your partner may find that her / his love is being rejected or prone to you, as if you can not spot it or experience it. That he / she can never do enough to prove that his / her love is to be trusted. Because you may have difficulty taking in the love. The conviction is often (unconscious): "Yes, yes, you love me right now - but what about tomorrow? Then you're gone!
Protest behaviors/activating strategies: (Levine and Heller)
When your attatchments system gets activated (could also be under external stress).
Levine and Heller have a good list of Protest Behaviors/activating strategies:
• Calling, texting, or e-mailing many times, waiting for a phone call, loitering by your partner’s workplace in hopes of running into him/ her.
• Withdrawing: Sitting silently “engrossed” in the paper, literally turning your back on your partner, not speaking, talking with other people on the phone and ignoring him/her.
• Keeping score: Paying attention to how long it took them to return your phone call and waiting just as long to return theirs; waiting for them to make the first “make-up” move and acting distant until such time.
• Acting hostile: Rolling your eyes when they speak, looking away, getting up and leaving the room while they’re talking (acting hostile can transgress to outright violence at times).
• Threatening to leave: Making threats—“ We’re not getting along, I don’t think I can do this anymore,” “I knew we weren’t really right for each other,” “I’ll be better off without you”—all the while hoping [partner] will stop you from leaving.
• Manipulations: Acting busy or unapproachable. Ignoring phone calls, saying you have plans when you don’t.
• Making him/ her feel jealous: Making plans to get together with an ex for lunch, going out with friends to a singles bar, tselling your partner about someone who hit on you today. If more, the ambivalent can push the partner away
How can the ambivalent know if they are activated:
Feeling uncomftable, stomac hurting, stomac cramps, heart pain, over thinking, ect
The way forward - how do you heal your Ambivalent / nervous attachment pattern:
Stable, lasting relationships can heal you! All in all, a love you can count on in the long run. The spiritual can also be a great healing if you otherwise maintain grounding
Begin to look for signs that your partner wants contact and want the relationship with you, love you - instead of looking after your partner is there for too little. Check if your experience of the situation is realistic or colored by your "glasses" (convictions) as you see things through. What you are looking for is what you see! What you give attention is growing!
Exercise yourself to stay present in the moment, when you get love and care. Allow yourself to feel the things, that it brings up in you
Get to know yourself. Practice your needs and express them clearly. Practice takeing care 100% of yourself and your needs. Do not expect others to do this
Stop giving - Practice asking in a direct way instead! Also accept a no
Stop obsessive thoughts about others! Stop the thoughts that crush your head around him or her over and over again.
Stop thinking about what others think about you. If they even think of you, yes, they will in any case think what they are thinking. You nevertheless, are not able to change it. Use your energy better. Ask yourself instead: "What do I want?
Practice being present, present in the moment - both alone and when in contact with others. Learn to regulate your nervous system yourself. That means that you can - instead of needing another to help you get back to the precent: That you can land emotionally but also bodily on top of your floods from the past.
Face the reality: Relationship changes and sometimes they end! Understand that you can not control the love of another person, no matter how much you put your power into it!
Realize that you already deserve love - just because you are - it's your birthright ... that you do not have to do a lot or something destined to deserve love! On the contrary, go to therapy to come home for yourself! To heal the past so it does not flood you. To learn how to balance your "floods" with the help of your own efforts
If you are a male, it can be a good thing to work with you masculinity with a therapist.
An attatchment thearpist explains, that there are two types of ambivalent attatchment styles and how it is played out (both can show up in the same person, but there can be two types of ambivalent):
1: Putting your own needs to the side, forgetting about yourself ect. and "cater" your partner and her/his needs, thinking or saying ("what do you want, what do you like, wich restaurant do you want to go to...") - not voicing your own needs and what you want to do. Forgetting about your own needs and wants in life. (It is my own fault, there is something wrong with me). This type more feels sadness than anger.
2: Complaining about your partner - a bit angry, "why do you always leave your close on the floor", why do you always have to work", "if you just did this, then I would....", "you never do...", "You do not love me...." (It is your fault, that I do not get love). A lot of anger is often a sign, that they have been "droped" many times as children. Often they do not understand their own anger and neither do their partner.
When do the ambivalent typically leave a relationship:
Typically after 3 months, 2 or 3 years, 5 years, 10 years.
When the other person has become fully avaliable.
E.g.
When their partner say “I love you”
when moving in together,
when buying a House together,
when getting married,
when having children ect.
Diane Poole Heller says:
Their signal cry is turned to much on.
Corrective Experiences for this attachment style include reetablishing a felt sense of consistency and the ability to receive love and caring when these essential qualities are actually present. “I want and yearn for love and connection but cannot have it.” The basic personal identity is formed around that idea —the “parent--‐patterned” experience that “I can want, but cannot have”. This can result in yet another dilemma that it is critical for the Anxiously attached person to realize:
If and when love actually presents itself, they often need to create distance themselves or dismiss the love in order to keep this original identification intact. They then create their own orst nightmare by never being available to receive the love they so actively seek because, paradoxically and predictably, it has to be rejected or deflected for selfidentity to remain intact.
(The attatchmentsystem kicks in after 1-2 years, when the partner is being precieved as permanent - at this time is when ambivalents can stop/ sabotage the relationsship. To recive takes them into the abandoment. They think, when they get love, it is not going to last (because what happend is the past). The mark for leaving is often after 2 years of relationship!
As therapists, we need to help our clients to see this pattern if it fits and to actively “disorient them towards health.” It entails restructuring the identity to regain its capacity to actually receive love.
Healing Exercises include increasing one’s capacity to receive love and nurturing from others without dismissing it.
As easy as it sounds on the surface, this is very challenging. The identity of the Anxiously-attached adult is literally based on “I can want, but I cannot have.” Or, “I cannot have without the uncontrollable and unpredictable loss that I am always anxiously awaiting and anticipating.”
Another relevant exercise is to have the client look at all the ways people in their lives try to show them love. The Five Languages of Love is a good reference. Have the person see if they dismiss or minimalize others’ love for them. It is helpful to point out how painful it may be for their partners or friends to have the love they offer deflected. I had that happen in my own life when my partner said how much he loved me and how much it hurt him that I could not seem to take it in. I initially felt insulted and was certain that he was wrong—until I took an honest look at myself and realized I did not feel deserving of love, and was determined to believe that his love could not be true.
Let me share another example of how painful this can be for an Anxiously-attached individual. I once had a friend share with me that when her boyfriend would turn over in his sleep away from her she would experience a terrible sense of abandonment and a severe sense of loss. She would lie in bed weeping even although she knew cognitively that he was simply turning in his sleep and not really leaving her.
It seems that this turning away was enough of a trigger to re-stimulate the intermittent reward patterning of the “here today, gone tomorrow” style of loving from unpredictable parents. This causes the child to be stressed while searching to attach to a moving target, never knowing when the rug will be pulled out from under them—even when the love was real and present for them because they could lose the love at any moment and not understand why. Instead of the parent’s interactions with the child increasing self or interactive regulation, the inconsistency actually increases the relational distress. This terrible unpredictability sets up a hyper-areness of the “other,” and an over-focus on looking for need satisfaction, nurturing, or external love.
Because of this pattern, the Anxiously-attached person remains anxious because they lose contact with themselves, in fact abandon themselves, and then try to get themselves back from other people. The obvious trouble lies in the fact that you can’t get yourself back from others. You get yourself back by learning to recognize or develop your sense of self and to stay connected to yourself in the first place—when alone and in the presence of others. You include yourself in the relational field rather than all of your attention flowing out into the other.
Anxiously-attached persons want interactive regulation and affect modulation with others and prefer not, or lack the capacity, to self soothe or self-regulate. Avoidantly- attached persons prefer the opposite. In Secure Attachment both can return to having self-regulation as well as interactive regulation and affect modulation in a harmonious way. This opens many more options for well-being.
Another exercise teaches clients how to stay connected to their inner self with greater ease as they learn to keep their sense of self intact when in the presence of others. This requires developing a dual awareness: one that does not eliminate the self but includes the other in the relational field without using manipulation.
Another paradox is that once you abandon yourself for another, you are in double trouble. When you leave YOU, you are, by definition, disconnected and abandoned. And in abandoning yourself, where are you going to go?
You can’t, in reality, leave yourself! REALLY, where are you going to go? Until we learn to stay connected to ourselves in the presence of others we are doomed to be and feel abandoned. We must recognize this pattern as an internalized map that came from early bonding deficits and repair connection to self and redefine connection to others so we do not continue to see the partner or other as the Source. It is a perceptual trick. Once you learn to stay connected to your inner core, you will naturally find it a stable, consistent source of nourishment and fulfillment, as well as finding contact nutrition from relationships outside of the self.
Rocking the attatchment exercise
m.youtube.com/watch?v=EoAqXh8hOZ4
Another attatchment/SE therapist also suggests:
Methods to generally land the nervous system, for example, the water tank exercise (the instinktive level), felt sence exercise, getting into the now exercise.
Felt sensations is more important, than feeling the feelings when activated, as the ambivalent often gets overwhelmed by their own feelings!!
Methods to get more into the secure attachment style use "getting into secure attatchment" exercise.
Methods to heal some of the more specific events from childhood, that helped to form the pattern of the victimrole. Use the paradoxial change method and the "anger meditation" - Leonard Jacobsen/two chair exercise.
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/880/self-regulating-regulation-exercises-ect
(The paradoxial change method)
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1128/accepting-paradoxial-change-method
Selfworth:
The AP always have to Work with their selfworth because they can have a tendencie to leave themselves:
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1051/love-tips
Caretaking:
Their negative early life experiences with preoccupied caregiver(s), they are often present with problems with self-regulation. Easily overtaxed by responsibilities (e.g., school, work, marriage, children), ambivaents often view themselves not only as overwhelmed, but as envious of and threatened by their partner’s ability to do whatever he or she wants. Feeling the underdog, the ambivalent can complain about not getting the help they need or deserve. These individuals believe in their special abilities to emotionally care for others, including and especially their partners. This is not simply a delusion of grandeur, though this ability is usually overblown; in contrast with some adult avoidants, who often were tasked as children with regulating their caregiver’s self-esteem, some ambivalents have a history of taking care of their caregiver’s emotional well-being, often becoming early victims (before age 14) of parent-child role reversal. They mistakenly inflate their impoverished abilities to emotionally regulate others.
If you are a pleaser:
Get out of the clamp of pressure and expectations.
Release expectations that you think others have for you, but that is your own expectations for yourself.
Practice giving yourself freedom and space. It is not about burning other people off and being indifferent to obligations, etc.
It's just about standing by yourself and your choices.
Pracitise "dissapointing" other people.
A person who rests in himself and who is at home with himself, is a very interesting and rewarding company. If you have left yourself, it´s like giving the keys to your house, to your partner, can when the partner drops by for a visit, it´s like nobody is at home/there is nobody to in the house. And how fun is that ? .
If you let the other person rule their own life and you let go of control, and you surrender yourself to the present moment and let your partner do what he/she finds best, then the masculine and feminine energy can flow freely between the masculine and the feminine pole.
For a while, you can practise to only help others, when they have asked you to. Or you can ask "Do you need any help from me?" (Helping without beeing asked, can make you cross other peoples boundaries - and do you really want to be that type of person? What would you think, if other people, did that to you?)
Whenever you get the urge to help, you should ask yourself, "If I never receive credit or thanks for this favor, do I still want to grant it?"
www.amazon.com/Anxious-Please-Revolutionary-Practices-Chronically/dp/1402206526
(also check out books by Sue Patton Thoele)
www.elephantjournal.com/2018/10/how-to-set-healthy-boundaries-even-when-you-dont-think-you-need-them/?fbclid=IwAR3bpPKlaMdwx8BoN8ahyY06yr2e-LCIYZEvhr_Ty9KnYrEoEJteb9TQk7k
Why it can be poisening to say yes:
jebkinnison.boards.net/thread/2460/problem-saying
Skills and deficits:
On the neurobiological level, particular skills and deficits are common to the ambivalent profile.
On the skill side, we might see expressiveness (they tend to be more expressive with their faces and their voices), warmth, empathy, humor, vitality, and social emotional awareness.
On the deficits side, we see thin boundaries; misappraisals of another person’s feelings, thoughts, and intentions; preoccupation with self and others; a poorly developed vagal brake, they may complain about feeling overwhelmed more than others. They also have a tendency to have more of a negativity bias so they may regurgitate old hurts in the midst of an argument. It can feel like they never really let go of anything..
Speech patterns:
They tend to like to talk, especially at night as they are settling down. They tend to be more expressive with their faces and their voices. They often talk too fast or too erratically. They may feel a need to say as much as possible about a given topic, with the result that the quantity of their speech is too great. These partners often take too long to get to their point or to get their point across, and may bring up tangential or irrelevant material without realizing they are doing so.
Complaining:
Type 2 ambivalent type. Cronic complaing. The complaining connects to a signal cry. (As long as I keep talking, crying, complaining I have a better chance to connect to my caregiver). If they feel their needs are getting met, they fear is if I cive up my complaining/signal cry, I will loose the person.
Text messages and phone calls:
On days, where you do not see/meet your partner:
An attatchment therapist recommends to only send 1-3 texts in a day and maybe only one phonecall. Otherwise the partner to an ambivalent can get overwhelmed (even a partner with some secure attatchment can get overwhelmed) and feel that they need some space. (Get help, if you can not control this)
If you feel you just have to text: STOP!
If you feel you just have to text: STOP!
Feel where in the body you feel the urge to text. Put your hand on that bodypart and tell the feeling, that the feeling is allowed to be here right now, but you are in charge and you are the one deciding, what is going to happen.
The rubberband method:
Use the rubberband method and put a rubberband around your wrist:.Every time you think of the other person, you easily pull out the rubberband - you can change the wrist. This method gives your brain a micro shock. This method Will help you to become present in the precent moment. IT gives you a micro shok.
If you can´t hold back, you can write the text and then send it to your best friend instead.
The rubberband method:
Use the rubberband method and put a rubberband around your wrist:.Every time you think of the other person, you easily pull out the rubberband - you can change the wrist. This method gives your brain a micro shock. This method Will help you to become present in the precent moment. IT gives you a micro shok.
If you can´t hold back, you can write the text and then send it to your best friend instead.
You can also make a list of what you can do instead of texting, and keep it in your purse/your polcket on your phone and then look at the list and choose another thing to do, when you want to text.
Also check "the rubber band exercise", "the watertank exercise", "coming into the now exercise", "I choose too post it exercise" ect.
A good sentence for the ambivalent to say to themselves:
What goes wrong for many is that they let others decide their feelings, inner states and external actions.
Not intentionally, but completely unconscious. The auto pilot takes over and creates internal turmoil and often external turmoil.
When we let others decide on our feelings, inner states and external actions, it typically happens completely unconsciously and based on one's inner work models. These are the ways we perceive others and ourselves and how we handle this situation.
People, with ambivalent attachment, are particularly vulnerable to others deciding their feelings, inner states and external actions.
WHAT CAN YOU DO?
These automotive patterns - can be managed to a certain extent by placing a conscious choice between impact and response.
For example, a person could have asked himself:
What do I want. Him?
Or what good reasons could he have for not responding as fast as I wish?
How can I be affectionate to myself, whether he writes or not?
Or she could have decided to focus on something else, even if it would be difficult for her.
Stop the thought as soon as it approaches ... do something physical or read something, sometimes it may be helpful to get the nervous system to land - also by the watertank exercise.
You can start doing this immediately. Type it down:
Many times daily - that's every time there's something you're reacting to either because of others or your own internal judge - say to yourself: I choose to ...
Put yellow post-it notes around in your home and at your work, where it says" I choose to ..." - so that you remember this.
Then you train that muscle to put an active choice, so that others do not have as much control over you.
(Stephen Covey's book 7 good habits.)
How to help your ambivalent partner to regulate under conflict (Stan Tatkin):
Remember that ambivalents are developed a little bit better than avoidants, when it comes to relaiting. They talk a lot, they have a view of the world that is based on meaning and emotion. They want to be close and cling, but when they get closeness, they can push you away.
They can wait for you to get close to them, instead of grabbing for what they want.
They can be sarcastic, mean, angry ect.
They respond well to aproching, touch, hug.
They do not shift very well from beeing with you to being alone, they have a hard time with separations and renunion.
They miss you, when you are gone and when they see you again, they can get angry (remember this is just a a reflex, and nothing personal!).
They expect you to think, that they are a pain in the ass, and they are afraid that you will drop them out of nowhere, when they relaxes into the relationsship. (Stan Tatkin)
Once preocuppied ambivalents are truly committed you may see the following tendencies emerge more strongly - how to work with your partner:
Ambivalents, like the rest of us, are subject to becoming more extreme versions of themselves once in a comitted relationsship. This has to do with breaching that final level of commitment to where our partners are now also family. We all carry around inside of us memories of how we were treated in childhood, and how we observed our family members treating each other. These templates are more flexible and less evident in our relationships with our friends and co-workers. Once someone enters into the realm of true family these templates are often re-activated in powerful ways and they tend to amplify our natural tendencies learned as children.
Fear abandonment, even in ways that seem more minor. Ambivalents experienced inconsistent parenting, such that they were sometimes coddled and given lots of attention but then sometimes unexpectedly rebuffed or pushed away and even shamed for being "too needy" or "too much". They intuitively expect the other shoe to drop and expect to be rejected. This gets worse with commitment for the reasons mentioned above. Your partner may start reacting to you leaving, even if you are just running some errands, causing you to feel bewildered and frustrated.
Know that departures can be triggering for them and leave with an extra dose of love.
Let them know that you are going but will be thinking of them while you are gone and look forward to seeing them when you get back. Give them a hug before you leave. Send them a text (doesn't have to be fancy, a heart or smiley face will do) while you are out. Think of them as a kid who gets nervous when their mom or dad are suddenly unavailable. They need reassurance around both departures and reunions.
Can get prickly when you reunite after being apart.
Again this can be VERY confusing for their partners, who have no idea that the separation was stressful. They come home from running some errands to an ambivalent partner picking a fight. Remember that they fear you leaving and when you do they may feel a surge of anger at being left. Since they tend to have trouble letting go of the past they may think about this the whole time you are gone. Then when you get back, wham! they let you have it. THEY DON'T DO THIS CONSCIOUSLY OR ON PURPOSE. Please, please, keep this in mind. It is no picnic for them either. No one likes to feel upset, so if your ambivalent partner is being cranky or downright mad remember that what is underneath that is emotional pain. They are hurting.
One of the most fool-proof ways to soothe a ambivalent partner is to hold them. They usually melt under touch. They also tend to love eye-contact. So hold them, gaze lovingly into their eyes and tell them that they can depend on you to never abandon them. Let them know that you know that they don't like it when they are alone and tell them you missed them! This, along with a good warm hug, usually works wonders on a cranky ambivalent partner.
Can ramp up their emotional intensity, especially if you are avoidant. [/b]Remember the opposite styles amplify each other. So if you are avoidant, after marriage or deep commitment you will tend to move away a bit. This is likely to bring about protest behavior from your partner. It may be more clinging or it may be more frustration and accusations about how aloof you are. Or both. Try to remember that an ambivalent person is like a fussy baby. They make a lot of noise and you may be inclined to simply leave rather than deal with the fuss. But just like a crying baby they need your help, love and soothing. They tend to calm down MUCH faster than their partners think. So moving in, using touch, soothing words and eye contact can usually get an ambivalent person to get some emotional equilibrium pretty quickly.
Even if you are not avoidant your partner may get extra emotional after the deep commitment. Be prepared for this and don't blame them or tell them they are crazy. They are expressing their fear that you are not going to connect to them. Ambivalents need a lot of connection and get more dramatic and emotionally messy when they don't get sufficient connection. Sadly they often unconsciously drive people away with their "fussiness", depriving themselves of the connection they need to get calm again. So know this and help them. It will pay you back tenfold in that you will not only have a more calm partner but you will have a partner who is eternally grateful to you for knowing what they need and giving it to them. Like avoidants ambivalents are often misunderstood. Your job is to not fall into that trap, to know them and take care of them.
May "spoil" things you try to do for them. This one is bound to make you feel crazy but remember they are not doing it intentionally. They want to be happy, just like any person does. However, since they have a childhood history of having the other shoe constantly dropped they anticipate being disappointed. So if you do something nice for them they may just turn around and "spoil" it somehow. If you take them out to dinner they may complain about the restaurant. If you buy them a gift they may tell you it's not their style, or the wrong color, or whatever. While the natural reaction to this would be to tell them to take a hike, you need to remember that they are acting from childhood pains.
Tell them how much you love them and that you know they have been disappointed in the past. Tell them you don't want to disappoint them and you are open to hearing what they need from you. Don't take it personally when they try to spoil a gift or kindness. I know it's a tall order but you will be healing a deep and very painful wound from their childhood. Which is really, in my opinion, what marriage is all about. And that's a two-way street, so when you heal your ambivalents painful childhood issues they will do the same in return. And once wounds are healed you will see a lot less of this behavior, so it pays dividends forward.
Tend to respond with a negative a lot of the time. So if you propose a vacation to the beach they are likely to tell you the five reasons that's a bad idea.
Don't bite. Just let them know that you know that they tend to find "what's wrong with the picture" before being willing to see what might be right. Tell them you are going to overlook their first response and give them another chance. If your partner is good with humor, you can say something like "OK my beautiful nattering naybob of negativity, now that you have gotten all the no's out of your system, can we revisit the idea?". Then flash them a loving smile. When used with love and kindness humor can be a great way to re-boot an activated partner.
May get really preoccupied with being "too much" or "too needy". Remember that they had childhoods where people alternately showered them with attention and told them they were too much and rebuffed them. So they are naturally afraid of overwhelming people. Paradoxically this leads to a lot of anxiety, which can make them more emotional, more clingy and more negative. Which has the unintended consequence of making their parter get exasperated with them!
Be on the lookout for your partner feeling judged as too needy or overwhelmig. They may misinterpret signals like you looking away during a conversation or sighing when they tell you something they need. Be careful to let your partner know they are NOT too much for you and that you have no intention of leaving them. Help them feel safe and secure and you will find their anxity will actually diminish!
May have trouble ending an argument or letting it go afterwards. They have trouble with endings, even arguments! They may keep it going because closing up something feels in a way like loss. They may also hold on to hurts from the past to act as a bulkhead against being vulnerable towards you in the future, which they fear will be rewarded with more hurt!
Help your partner let go in an argument by reminding them that while there may be a part of them that tends to hang on, their body and mind deserve relief. Hold them tight at the end of a rough conversation and reassure them that if they let go they are not going to be setting themselves up for additional injury.
Brenee Brown - empathy Vs sympathy: youtube
How can the ambivalent to stop obsessive thoughts about an ex (An attatchment/SE therapist explains):
1: Regulate/calm down the nerveussystem - with the watertank-exersice. It works in 95% of all cases. Use it every day. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/880/self-regulating-exercises
It can calm down the thoughts also!!!! Let someone help you, and after a while you can do it on your own - use it all the time when you are getting overwhelmed. Practice every day. (it is energy work, not meditation or yoga)
2: Anger - find out where did this show up with the ex partner - it can feel like anger or can feel like beeing a victim. Work with a therapist.
3: Healing of a broken hart
Why all these thoughts about the ex (even a secure ex):
The old history comes up in the system again (abandament is printed into the nerveussystem) - the way the ambivalent lost the first love from their parents (love=warmth, caring, nurturing, contact, love). The child have tasted Paradise, but lost it again before they "were full". The child thinks, that it is it´s own fault, and therefore the child is trying to figure out (overthinking), how to get constant love from the parent.
Look at both the positive and the negative from the relationship with the ex.
What was special in the relationship, was something missing from the past that played out in the relationship or and/or are you missing something in your life now? What can you do now?
(The ex could be secure)
When ever you think about an ex, your partner ect.:
Regulate your nerveus system and then ask: "What about ME, what do I want and need right now? Focus back to you. Do something good for yourself instead.
The rubberband exercise on how to stop obsessive thoughts and your inner chritic:
Put a rubber band on your wrist. Everyone you think about your ex ect. you pull the rubber and. This gives your system a micro shock.
The power of the bonding hormone oxytocin:
verilymag.com/2016/05/oxytocin-sex-differences-women-hormones-bonding-sex-trust
How to get more selfworth/selfesteem - how to love yourself more:
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1051/love-tips
Accepting all your feelings and what is:
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1128/accepting-paradoxial-change-method
Using this exercise several times a day, helps you to get into secure attatchment. Also use this before the anger meditation, if you are not the angry type of ambivalent, but the type of ambivalent that cater on their partner.
Texting, calling ect.:
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/948/starting-difficult-conversation-call-text
The five language of love:
www.5lovelanguages.com/
If you are an ap male, you can work with your masculinity with a therapist:
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1376/work-femininity-masculinity
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1052/story-dating-life
Tips on how to get out of the victim role and become proactive:
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1198/proactive-get-negativity-victim-role
AP and waiting:
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2890/waiting
How to set yourself free and how to forgive others:
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1161/set-free-forgive
Thoughts that can help you to feel more love:
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1154/thoughts-help-feel-more-love
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/996/find-love-stop-needyness
Trauma and shame:
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1007/trauma-shame
The ambivalent and complaining:
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1027/ambivalent-attatchment-complaining
Addicted to your partners feelings?
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1045/addicted-partners-feelings
Exercise on needs and interdependency:
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1078/independence-dependence-inter-codependence
Exercise on vulnerability:
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1010/vulnerable
Authenticity Vs attatchment
m.youtube.com/watch?v=l3bynimi8HQ
If your partner suddenly tells you, that she feels that you are further ahead, than she is in the relationsship:
That she can not give back the same emotionally as you give her. She says, she needs to bring balance in the "relationship", so she can follow again.
It is difficult when the other suddenly withdraws.
Therefore, it is always wise to start a relationsship a little slower. But you can not change that now.
So what you can do is to take it easy. Try to make things that gets your thoughts away from your partner. Yes, that's not easy.
You can write a text every now and then. But it must be completely neutral. And if you can have a little ease in it, it's super.
Either your partner is in the ambivalent / nervous attatchmentstyle. And then she lost interest, unfortunately. What could then make her interested again is, that you are not fully accessible.
But how cool would it be? It would just give you a yo-yo relationship.
The other possibility is, that she has got some disorganized atttchmentstyle.
In that case, she has gone a little into panicmode. And the best thing you can do, is to be there kindly. Show that it's ok that you can handle her reactions well. That she can trust you and expect you to keep calm even though she reacts strongly.
The problem with saying "I need"
m.youtube.com/watch?v=BgzWQH7_XDY
Caracters with mainly ap style:
Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City
m.youtube.com/watch?v=O2GSZOodPis#menu
m.youtube.com/watch?v=18Ew9XFmIUM
Martin (the bald guy) in "The Bonus Family"
vimeo.com/288502043
Lucy Van Pelt, Peanuts
m.youtube.com/watch?v=rIIgKJyMKBQ
m.youtube.com/watch?v=elD6Tv-8KOY
m.youtube.com/watch?v=3ohMo2dnDA4
Dan Siegel says:[/i][/b]
www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGhZtUrpCuc
www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPjhfUVgvOQ
Buttom up
m.youtube.com/watch?v=FOCTxcaNHeg
Avoidant and anxious ambivalent talks about their friendship and their attatchment styles
m.youtube.com/watch?v=RJtsPW6LwhY
Often we do not only have one attatchment style, but traits from different attatcmentstyles, that also needs to be healed:
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1188/4-attatchment-style-decription-test
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1071/healing-avoidant-da-attatchmentstyle
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1073/disorganized-trauma-speeder-brake-drama
Secure attatchment:
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1185/secure-attatchment-style
What kind of relationship do you want ?
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1852/prepare-create-future-relationship
(The information in this long thread is from various therapists working with the attatchment therapy and SE therapy in their work with clients.
There is also information from various experts around the world, SE experts, bodynamic workers, gestalt therapists, clinical psychologists, neurobiologists ect.
The material has not been edited. Therefore, there may be information from webinars and workshops
by various educators in the subject where at the same time questions have been asked from different participants, that has been included.
The given examples are included to show how it can look like in different real life situations
The teachers are not necessarily english speaking and articles cannot always be referred to.
The given examples are included to show how it can look like in different real life situations
The teachers are not necessarily english speaking and articles cannot always be referred to.
