Breakup with AP

Interesting. Can I ask you a question...why do you want to give it another shot?   If you want to see if things are possible then I would suggest you approach her and apologize for how you acted, own what you stated above in terms of not being very aware of her needs and then write what you are willing to do differently...and then see if she is receptive to it. I don't think anyone here can speak to your unique circumstances..and there doesn't appear to be enough information on the relationship for me to gauge how she might feel about you now. But if you are to have any chance at all, then owning your end of things is the way to go. Good luck.

What made the phone calls emotional? I mean-- were the things that made them emotional also signs that you all would still have a long way to go to work on your communication? What led to your no longer speaking?

Hmmm! I know very little about this situation, but initial reactions:

I think it is important to recognize that, if she is AP, she took a big and challenging step in drawing a line where her needs were going unmet and breaking up with you. It can take a lot for APs walk away from a connection that isn't serving them. A secure might have done that much earlier. Expressing anger over the phone and setting a NC boundary for now might have been an important victory for her too, and I'm glad to hear you're respecting that boundary. To be clear, I'm not saying there weren't many wonderful things about your relationship mixed in with the pain of unmet needs. I just think it may be important for you to go into this situation with some respect for the courage and healthy prioritization of self/life goals/career she showed in ending the relationship. Taking that step probably caused her a lot of pain even though she felt it was needed.

It seems really positive that you are reflecting on your piece of what went wrong and what you can work on in yourself. The self-awareness is such a great focus! It will lead you in the right direction, whatever the outcome with this particular ex-partner.

Lastly, it's interesting you are asking "do they come back?," as that sounds like such an AP question (one I have asked myself of my ex)! In another thread, people have been talking about how understanding and healing oneself are the only constructive uses of attachment theory. I think tnr9 put that nugget of wisdom out there really brilliantly. Took me a long time to realize it and am still working on applying it consistently!

All the best to both of you, whatever that ends up looking like.

I'm so sorry you are hurting, epicgum. Breakups are so hard. Just want to say again that you are on the path to self-understanding and that your work will serve you well. If your anxious side is coming out now, do take care to be compassionate towards yourself and think of kind things you can do for yourself to get yourself through this hard time.

Have you tried listing the aspects of the relationship that were not working for you, as you seem to be aware that there were a few? That has been recommended to me and I've found it helpful as a reminder to self (though definitely not a cure for the sadness and loss, which is totally okay to feel). Take care of you.

Thanks, that is a good strategy. It's just painful to let go, or to destroy all of these positive feelings about her, I feel bad doing it, when there were so many things I liked about her. I also feel bad because for the first time I feel like I can experience actual love for her, which I hadn't been able to feel prior, and now that I have them, these feelings feel good!

The main issue is that she drank too much, became very overweight and refused to exercise, and I was both becoming less attracted to her and worried about her health in the long term (esp. as she is considerably older than me), and frustrated that she couldn't share in moderately athletic activities that I wanted to do...then later in the relationship she began to dedicate almost all of her time to work, leaving almost no time for me, being avoidant, this bothered me, however I could not articulate it even to myself...BUT...I didn't have the courage to actually bring these issues up with her because I was afraid of the confrontation and/or hurting her, and/or afraid the relationship might end, so I found myself gradually disengaging and just hoping that "after she gets this new less stressful job" she will get better. Some of that is legitimate concern, some of that I think was my activated attachment system trying to maintain distance. 

I've since read a ton of relationship articles and learned (the hard way) the importance of both direct communication, even if it is painful, and of accepting that you cannot control peoples choices, and you need to weigh the good and the bad and accept or reject them exactly as they are.

epicgum I'm really sorry to hear you're hurting. It is hard, but I absolutely agree with andy's suggestion of concentrating on yourself. Self care and self love are so important now - especially so if you do seem to be experiencing some AP tendencies, as the 'text book' AP generally has lower self esteem than some other attachment types.

Although it sounds like a lot of your thoughts are related to the break-up and your ex, I recommend finding something that requires your concentration (easier said than done, right?) Can you start a new hobby, or plan something with friends or family? I've actually started meditation in the last week or so, using a highly recommended app called Headspace. Even just a few minutes of peace each day is helping me. 

My final observation (it may be something you've already read yourself) which sort of 'piggy backs' on to the comment from goldilocks, in terms of the FA description; I've also read that often FAs will almost idolise their previous partners after a break-up and I imagine (although I am only basing this on reading) this is linked somewhat with the circling that can happen with FAs. So perhaps ask yourself, as painful as things are at the moment, do you feel you have worked through or at least are prepared to work through whatever caused the intimacy fear initially? I think if you can demonstrate that to your ex, it would certainly put you in a better position but of course I can't comment on how your ex would be feeling herself.

Good Luck!