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Post by faithopelove on Oct 7, 2018 22:54:28 GMT
Also...all the fear of intimacy and commitment that I had...has evaporated and replaced by intense longing for intimacy and closeness and commitment with her. Getting too close to her scared me before, now it is all I want. :/ This sounds very much like what is described for FA. I was thinking the same...sounds like thoughts of a FA. My ex is a DA who broke up with me and I’m now thinking the best thing to do is to completely disappear from his life and let him live with his choice to leave. Based on what you said then maybe it would be a wise choice....he has pushed me away for 9 months. I would say that since your ex is an AP that this break up must’ve been a very hard choice for her to make - being an AP turning secure myself, I know how difficult it is for us to give up and let go. In this time of silence your ex may reevaluate your relationship- esp if you interact and upon that interaction you honestly own your part of the down fall of the relationship and what you’re willing to do differently to make things better. If she has feelings for you, I think she would appreciate your honesty and vulnerability...and willingness to make it work. I think it’s wise to give her the space she’s seeking now- wait for her to reach out or after working on yourself, reach out to her and demonstrate your growth. Good luck!! You’re not alone... |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 7, 2018 23:01:27 GMT
Also...all the fear of intimacy and commitment that I had...has evaporated and replaced by intense longing for intimacy and closeness and commitment with her. Getting too close to her scared me before, now it is all I want. :/ This sounds very much like what is described for FA. I was thinking the same...sounds like thoughts of a FA. My ex is a FA who broke up with me and I’m now thinking the best thing to do is to completely disappear from his life and let him live with his choice to leave. Based on what you said then maybe it would be a wise choice....he has pushed me away for 9 months. I would say that since your ex is an AP that this break up must’ve been a very hard choice for her to make - being an AP turning secure myself, I know how difficult it is for us to give up and let go. In this time of silence your ex may reevaluate your relationship- esp if you interact and upon that interaction you honestly own your part of the down fall of the relationship and what you’re willing to do differently to make things better. If she has feelings for you, I think she would appreciate your honesty and vulnerability...and willingness to make it work. I think it’s wise to give her the space she’s seeking now- wait for her to reach out or after working on yourself, reach out to her and demonstrate your growth. Good luck!! You’re not alone... |
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Post by epicgum on Oct 11, 2018 23:15:39 GMT
This sounds very much like what is described for FA. I was thinking the same...sounds like thoughts of a FA. My ex is a FA who broke up with me and I’m now thinking the best thing to do is to completely disappear from his life and let him live with his choice to leave. Based on what you said then maybe it would be a wise choice....he has pushed me away for 9 months. I would say that since your ex is an AP that this break up must’ve been a very hard choice for her to make - being an AP turning secure myself, I know how difficult it is for us to give up and let go. In this time of silence your ex may reevaluate your relationship- esp if you interact and upon that interaction you honestly own your part of the down fall of the relationship and what you’re willing to do differently to make things better. If she has feelings for you, I think she would appreciate your honesty and vulnerability...and willingness to make it work. I think it’s wise to give her the space she’s seeking now- wait for her to reach out or after working on yourself, reach out to her and demonstrate your growth. Good luck!! You’re not alone... Thanks! The situation was a little more complicated than a simple breakup to be honest. We were kind of distant for 3 months, (no sex or sleeping together) as she went through an extremely stressful employment situation and I gave her space. (She said some kind of difficult things to be in this time, that she liked be because I didn't judge her for her weight and drinking--which did concern me, and it hurt that I felt she didn't like me for other reasons--and that she was only with me because she didn't want to be alone--i now recognize that this was probably protest behavior in response to my lack of commitment, but I damn well should have responded to it as it--lesson learned the only good time to address concerns is asap.) Some very bad stuff happened to her career-wise and she decided that she couldn't do it anymore and she (impulsively) quit her job, this meant she would lose her work visa and need to go back to her country. She asked if I would marry her so she could stay and I said no, and then if I would do long distance for at least a year, and I said I wasn't sure and then there were 2 months of ambiguity where I barely saw her as she searched for another job and then i said yeah, let's get married and she cried a lot and said 'no, we cant get married for a visa' and she left. I called her and poured out how badly I missed her a few times later. Edit: her country is quite far away, about a 12hr time difference from me. She ended up finding a job in another city with a 3hr time difference. |
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 12, 2018 2:08:23 GMT
I was thinking the same...sounds like thoughts of a FA. My ex is a FA who broke up with me and I’m now thinking the best thing to do is to completely disappear from his life and let him live with his choice to leave. Based on what you said then maybe it would be a wise choice....he has pushed me away for 9 months. I would say that since your ex is an AP that this break up must’ve been a very hard choice for her to make - being an AP turning secure myself, I know how difficult it is for us to give up and let go. In this time of silence your ex may reevaluate your relationship- esp if you interact and upon that interaction you honestly own your part of the down fall of the relationship and what you’re willing to do differently to make things better. If she has feelings for you, I think she would appreciate your honesty and vulnerability...and willingness to make it work. I think it’s wise to give her the space she’s seeking now- wait for her to reach out or after working on yourself, reach out to her and demonstrate your growth. Good luck!! You’re not alone... Thanks! The situation was a little more complicated than a simple breakup to be honest. We were kind of distant for 3 months, (no sex or sleeping together) as she went through an extremely stressful employment situation and I gave her space. (She said some kind of difficult things to be in this time, that she liked be because I didn't judge her for her weight and drinking--which did concern me, and it hurt that I felt she didn't like me for other reasons--and that she was only with me because she didn't want to be alone--i now recognize that this was probably protest behavior in response to my lack of commitment, but I damn well should have responded to it as it--lesson learned the only good time to address concerns is asap.) Some very bad stuff happened to her career-wise and she decided that she couldn't do it anymore and she (impulsively) quit her job, this meant she would lose her work visa and need to go back to her country. She asked if I would marry her so she could stay and I said no, and then if I would do long distance for at least a year, and I said I wasn't sure and then there were 2 months of ambiguity where I barely saw her as she searched for another job and then i said yeah, let's get married and she cried a lot and said 'no, we cant get married for a visa' and she left. I called her and poured out how badly I missed her a few times later. Edit: her country is quite far away, about a 12hr time difference from me. She ended up finding a job in another city with a 3hr time difference. Hey Epicgum....I understand where she was coming from with her comment to you about not judging her weight and alcohol drinking. She did not mean those were the only things that she appreciated, but those were the things that stood out as I am certain she was judged about those by others. I really appreciated that B never judged my place by how clean or messy it was..it certainly was not the only thing I appreciated, but it stood out because my mom is very judgemental of that. Just another vantage point on her comment.  |
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Post by epicgum on Oct 12, 2018 2:52:55 GMT
Thanks! The situation was a little more complicated than a simple breakup to be honest. We were kind of distant for 3 months, (no sex or sleeping together) as she went through an extremely stressful employment situation and I gave her space. (She said some kind of difficult things to be in this time, that she liked be because I didn't judge her for her weight and drinking--which did concern me, and it hurt that I felt she didn't like me for other reasons--and that she was only with me because she didn't want to be alone--i now recognize that this was probably protest behavior in response to my lack of commitment, but I damn well should have responded to it as it--lesson learned the only good time to address concerns is asap.) Some very bad stuff happened to her career-wise and she decided that she couldn't do it anymore and she (impulsively) quit her job, this meant she would lose her work visa and need to go back to her country. She asked if I would marry her so she could stay and I said no, and then if I would do long distance for at least a year, and I said I wasn't sure and then there were 2 months of ambiguity where I barely saw her as she searched for another job and then i said yeah, let's get married and she cried a lot and said 'no, we cant get married for a visa' and she left. I called her and poured out how badly I missed her a few times later. Edit: her country is quite far away, about a 12hr time difference from me. She ended up finding a job in another city with a 3hr time difference. Hey Epicgum....I understand where she was coming from with her comment to you about not judging her weight and alcohol drinking. She did not mean those were the only things that she appreciated, but those were the things that stood out as I am certain she was judged about those by others. I really appreciated that B never judged my place by how clean or messy it was..it certainly was not the only thing I appreciated, but it stood out because my mom is very judgemental of that. Just another vantage point on her comment. Thanks tnr9, I appreciate it. Yes, I understand. I guess it's where my head was at the time. To add to that...I WAS anxious about those things for the future and hoped when she was in a better place she would be able to get healthier, so I felt like a fraud, hurt, and discouraged. |
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Post by camper78 on Oct 13, 2018 2:47:09 GMT
Hey epicgum , hope you're doing ok today. I understand how frustrating it is when you're feeling so muddled and confused (idealized ex? true love??), etc. It's awful.. in a lot of ways I'm in the same place. It brings up so much self doubt, we second guess everything and it just makes a person feel worse about themselves. I believe in attachment theory and I know where I sit on the spectrum. But I try to be mindful about tying myself too closely to this 'identity' because I think buying in too much can lock us in to a certain way of thinking about ourselves, our recovery paths, projections about others, and so on. It sounds like you are doing good work regardless of where you are with your attachment wounds, working on your anxiety and self-awareness, reaching out for help and support where you can, thinking about how you can communicate better in the future. You can't go wrong when you turn your energy toward your own healing, so please be kind to yourself and know that you're bravely moving in the right direction. Don't get discouraged - you can only walk your own path and it's always worth it. There is something to be said for trusting your intuition as well. Even when we feel confused in the mind and have a hard time reaching into our heart. I hear you giving yourself a pretty hard time over some really legitimate issues in your relationship. As notalone has said, addiction is serious, even if your ex is functional.. and the fact that you were not in a place as a couple to talk about any of it is also kinda serious. Especially if the idea of marriage is suddenly part of the picture. I was married once. Although I loved her, I wasn't ready. I got backed into a corner and I didn't have the guts to assert myself. I didn't want to risk ending the relationship completely. The wrong reasons. In the back of my mind, I knew it wouldn't work but I wanted to believe it could. It didn't and it was really painful (and expensive). It was also like living in a triggered FA state for like 4 years. I guess what I'm saying is it sounds like you made some good decisions, even if you are missing her terribly and are second guessing some things (was it a good instinctual decision to say you weren't ready for marriage to this person, or are you confusing that with FA response?). Maybe to put it another way, can you pin down what was good and healthy about your relationship with your ex? So far, it mostly sounds like it was pretty conflicted? Please be kind to yourself and consider giving yourself the benefit of the doubt. You know, just in case it your feelings weren't entirely being driven by your attachment wounds, whatever they may be. Sending love.. I feel some of the same kind of pain and it sucks. But you'll come through - you're already doing it. |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 15, 2018 10:07:12 GMT
“All the fear of intimacy and commitment that I had...has evaporated and replaced by intense longing for intimacy and closeness and commitment with her.
Getting too close to her scared me before, now it is all I want.”
Epicgum- I agree with the posters’ comments above...and your comments and the question about her coming back- all sound like your FA. Perhaps if you focus on your inner work, you would have a chance of reconciliation. It takes a lot for an AP to assert boundaries and walk away. An incredible amount.
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liz
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Post by liz on Oct 15, 2018 16:40:15 GMT
As a somewhat secure woman, I think she's given up as she had hoped that you would have stepped up to offer her more support instead of "giving her space" in her time of need.
I would have acted completely opposite if I had been in your shoes. I would have tried to be there for her, even if she weren't a partner but a friend.
If you want her back, I think you really need to own up to your part and convince her that you have learned and changed. Otherwise, it's fine to have learned your own lessons and move on to the right partner, for both of you.
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Post by epicgum on Oct 15, 2018 17:20:40 GMT
As a somewhat secure woman, I think she's given up as she had hoped that you would have stepped up to offer her more support instead of "giving her space" in her time of need. I would have acted completely opposite if I had been in your shoes. I would have tried to be there for her, even if she weren't a partner but a friend. If you want her back, I think you really need to own up to your part and convince her that you have learned and changed. Otherwise, it's fine to have learned your own lessons and move on to the right partner, for both of you. Lol, well aren't you so special and perfect? I'm sure in my shoes you would have done the right thing /s Do me a favor and leave this thread. |
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Post by epicgum on Oct 15, 2018 17:50:27 GMT
Hey epicgum , hope you're doing ok today. I understand how frustrating it is when you're feeling so muddled and confused (idealized ex? true love??), etc. It's awful.. in a lot of ways I'm in the same place. It brings up so much self doubt, we second guess everything and it just makes a person feel worse about themselves. I believe in attachment theory and I know where I sit on the spectrum. But I try to be mindful about tying myself too closely to this 'identity' because I think buying in too much can lock us in to a certain way of thinking about ourselves, our recovery paths, projections about others, and so on. It sounds like you are doing good work regardless of where you are with your attachment wounds, working on your anxiety and self-awareness, reaching out for help and support where you can, thinking about how you can communicate better in the future. You can't go wrong when you turn your energy toward your own healing, so please be kind to yourself and know that you're bravely moving in the right direction. Don't get discouraged - you can only walk your own path and it's always worth it. There is something to be said for trusting your intuition as well. Even when we feel confused in the mind and have a hard time reaching into our heart. I hear you giving yourself a pretty hard time over some really legitimate issues in your relationship. As notalone has said, addiction is serious, even if your ex is functional.. and the fact that you were not in a place as a couple to talk about any of it is also kinda serious. Especially if the idea of marriage is suddenly part of the picture. I was married once. Although I loved her, I wasn't ready. I got backed into a corner and I didn't have the guts to assert myself. I didn't want to risk ending the relationship completely. The wrong reasons. In the back of my mind, I knew it wouldn't work but I wanted to believe it could. It didn't and it was really painful (and expensive). It was also like living in a triggered FA state for like 4 years. I guess what I'm saying is it sounds like you made some good decisions, even if you are missing her terribly and are second guessing some things (was it a good instinctual decision to say you weren't ready for marriage to this person, or are you confusing that with FA response?). Maybe to put it another way, can you pin down what was good and healthy about your relationship with your ex? So far, it mostly sounds like it was pretty conflicted? Please be kind to yourself and consider giving yourself the benefit of the doubt. You know, just in case it your feelings weren't entirely being driven by your attachment wounds, whatever they may be. Sending love.. I feel some of the same kind of pain and it sucks. But you'll come through - you're already doing it. Hey camper78 thanks for this post. It's been very helpful to me and I've re-read it many times--and will probably re-read it many times again. I'm not sure I have the strength to detail the positives of the relationship--there were many, this is the only girl I've ever met or dated that I could have imagined marrying and by far the emotionally closest and most mutually supportive relationship I've ever had. In terms of the issues and not being able to discuss them--the truth is that she never wanted to show me the full extend of her "darkness" and I was afraid of what I'd find, and that it would destroy what we had, so I never pushed to look too closely. This in itself I now recognize is a massive problem. |
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liz
Junior Member
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Post by liz on Oct 15, 2018 18:59:18 GMT
As a somewhat secure woman, I think she's given up as she had hoped that you would have stepped up to offer her more support instead of "giving her space" in her time of need. I would have acted completely opposite if I had been in your shoes. I would have tried to be there for her, even if she weren't a partner but a friend. If you want her back, I think you really need to own up to your part and convince her that you have learned and changed. Otherwise, it's fine to have learned your own lessons and move on to the right partner, for both of you. Lol, well aren't you so special and perfect? I'm sure in my shoes you would have done the right thing /s Do me a favor and leave this thread. You know, I'm not really "special" or "perfect", thank you for your "high appraisal", there's actually nothing "special or perfect" about lovers and partners wanting to help each other and have each other's back. People who care about each other do this all the time. But what do I know about standards here?
I am a decent partner in that if my partner is having difficulty at his place of work, is in fear of losing his visa and we're a couple (3 years!), I would have done whatever I could to help him instead of running for the hills. Marriage might not be my first go-to option, but I'd do my best to help him look for a new job or look for attorneys who specialize in this area. The very least I'd do is be there and help him until he gets to a good place. Maybe he won't drink so much then. Or put on weight to my disapproval.
In fact, I'd do it even for a friend or anyone I give 2 cents about.
This has nothing to do with attachment styles, but basic decency as a partner or loved one, offering unwavering support during one of the most harrowing times for the other, a highly stressful work environment, losing one's job and possibly getting deported for losing one's visa.
What if the shoe is on the other foot?
Do we all need to tip-toe around each other so much that we cannot even point out one glaring ordinary truth?
I'm going to do you the " favor" of leaving this thread, mind you, you don't own this site so it's not really *your* thread you special snowflake. |
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Post by kristyrose on Oct 15, 2018 19:21:55 GMT
Hey epicgum, I feel like I'm late to the thread here, but wanted to let you know I am thinking of you today as well. I know you are feeling a lot of confusion and pain, I understand completely. The advice from others on here has been really helpful for me, hope it is offering you some comfort as well. one thing that I do is listen to guided mediation at night and in the morning and really anytime I am feeling flooded. Wayne Dyer is an inspirational speaker, unfortunately no longer with us, but he has a wide array of guided mediations and talks on Youtube that are quite healing about getting what you need from yourself, how to soothe and honor yourself even in the darkest times of pain and confusion. Keeping to a routine is also so helpful as others have suggested and whenever I get the urge to reach out to my ex and act out, I come on here and get advice and hold the mirror up to myself to see and understand my own actions, so keep posting and we will keep listening. Hugs |
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Post by epicgum on Oct 15, 2018 20:12:36 GMT
Hey epicgum, I feel like I'm late to the thread here, but wanted to let you know I am thinking of you today as well. I know you are feeling a lot of confusion and pain, I understand completely. The advice from others on here has been really helpful for me, hope it is offering you some comfort as well. one thing that I do is listen to guided mediation at night and in the morning and really anytime I am feeling flooded. Wayne Dyer is an inspirational speaker, unfortunately no longer with us, but he has a wide array of guided mediations and talks on Youtube that are quite healing about getting what you need from yourself, how to soothe and honor yourself even in the darkest times of pain and confusion. Keeping to a routine is also so helpful as others have suggested and whenever I get the urge to reach out to my ex and act out, I come on here and get advice and hold the mirror up to myself to see and understand my own actions, so keep posting and we will keep listening. Hugs Thanks kristyrose, I appreciate your thoughts. I will look into Wayne Dyer. |
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Post by camper78 on Oct 16, 2018 2:15:15 GMT
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liz
Junior Member
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Post by liz on Oct 16, 2018 10:46:31 GMT
Excuse me, have we ever spoken? Do I know you? |
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