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Post by Deleted on Aug 23, 2018 23:04:04 GMT
- My limited knowledge leads me to believe you may be FA. I'd strongly suggest you take the attachment quiz.
- Substance abuse is serious and dysfunctional. I was addicted to drugs for 21 years, I got clean 3.5 years ago, and I've dated many addicts.
- Insecure attachment is also serious and dysfunctional. I'm AP and have dated various insecurely attached people.
- I know what it feels like to not want to live. I've been suicidal for a lot of my life. I was hospitalized for addiction, depression and for being suicidal when I quit drugs.
Personally I believe the deeply chaotic and painful life I've lived can only be changed by staying away from addiction in myself and anyone I date, healing myself and moving towards a more secure attachment style, and by only dating people who are secure or low in insecurity and aware of and working on their attachment wounds. I believe that if I don't do the work to heal, or if I chose to date someone who is insecurely attached and not working on it, I am choosing sustained pain and dysfunction. As hard as it's been, now that I know about attachment theory, I end things with someone if I learn they have insecure attachment and are not actively working on it. It hurts a lot to leave, but it also hurts very much to stay. The difference is that leaving gives me a chance to be healthier and happier in the future. Staying almost guarantees the dysfunction and pain will continue indefinitely. It's a lot like giving up drugs.
I've also been diagnosed with general anxiety and major depression, and to manage it I keep a strict routine. It may sound boring, but I kid you not, it saved my life. Here it is:
- Sleep: 8 hours per night - Meals: 3 per day - Gym: 2-3 times per week
- Yoga: 1 time per week
- Meditation: 1-3 times per day (using the free and awesome app. Insight Timer)
- See friends: 1-3 times per week
- Medication: 1 time per day (Zoloft)
- Grocery shop & meal perp.: 1 time per week
You asked what kind of therapy people are doing...I'm seeing a Jungian therapist who specializes in trauma. He does talk therapy, EMDR, and somatic therapy, which are all recommended for treating trauma and attachment. I wanted to work with someone specifically trained in attachment as well, and he's not, but I chose to work with him because he was highly recommended by someone I trust, and because of the methods he uses. There are a fair number of average to poor therapists out there, and since one of my top priorities was to find someone highly effective, I really valued the referral. I'm only 2 appointments in and I'm hopeful.
All the best on your journey.
amazing post, you're all over it!! ❤️❤️❤️ congratulations on clean and sober, from one to another!! i bottomed out at 23 and have 25 years free. keep it up! |
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Post by notalone on Aug 24, 2018 12:05:22 GMT
- My limited knowledge leads me to believe you may be FA. I'd strongly suggest you take the attachment quiz.
- Substance abuse is serious and dysfunctional. I was addicted to drugs for 21 years, I got clean 3.5 years ago, and I've dated many addicts.
- Insecure attachment is also serious and dysfunctional. I'm AP and have dated various insecurely attached people.
- I know what it feels like to not want to live. I've been suicidal for a lot of my life. I was hospitalized for addiction, depression and for being suicidal when I quit drugs.
Personally I believe the deeply chaotic and painful life I've lived can only be changed by staying away from addiction in myself and anyone I date, healing myself and moving towards a more secure attachment style, and by only dating people who are secure or low in insecurity and aware of and working on their attachment wounds. I believe that if I don't do the work to heal, or if I chose to date someone who is insecurely attached and not working on it, I am choosing sustained pain and dysfunction. As hard as it's been, now that I know about attachment theory, I end things with someone if I learn they have insecure attachment and are not actively working on it. It hurts a lot to leave, but it also hurts very much to stay. The difference is that leaving gives me a chance to be healthier and happier in the future. Staying almost guarantees the dysfunction and pain will continue indefinitely. It's a lot like giving up drugs.
I've also been diagnosed with general anxiety and major depression, and to manage it I keep a strict routine. It may sound boring, but I kid you not, it saved my life. Here it is:
- Sleep: 8 hours per night - Meals: 3 per day - Gym: 2-3 times per week
- Yoga: 1 time per week
- Meditation: 1-3 times per day (using the free and awesome app. Insight Timer)
- See friends: 1-3 times per week
- Medication: 1 time per day (Zoloft)
- Grocery shop & meal perp.: 1 time per week
You asked what kind of therapy people are doing...I'm seeing a Jungian therapist who specializes in trauma. He does talk therapy, EMDR, and somatic therapy, which are all recommended for treating trauma and attachment. I wanted to work with someone specifically trained in attachment as well, and he's not, but I chose to work with him because he was highly recommended by someone I trust, and because of the methods he uses. There are a fair number of average to poor therapists out there, and since one of my top priorities was to find someone highly effective, I really valued the referral. I'm only 2 appointments in and I'm hopeful.
All the best on your journey.
amazing post, you're all over it!! ❤️❤️❤️ congratulations on clean and sober, from one to another!! i bottomed out at 23 and have 25 years free. keep it up! Thank-you!
Congrats back atcha! 25 years is amazing 
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2018 12:22:29 GMT
notalone... i guess i made it to "Old Timer" lol! life is good, life is very good. only today counts, but stacking up a lot of todays is something to be truly thankful for. glad you're experiencing it!!!🌸
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Post by notalone on Aug 24, 2018 13:25:13 GMT
- My limited knowledge leads me to believe you may be FA. I'd strongly suggest you take the attachment quiz.
- Substance abuse is serious and dysfunctional. I was addicted to drugs for 21 years, I got clean 3.5 years ago, and I've dated many addicts.
- Insecure attachment is also serious and dysfunctional. I'm AP and have dated various insecurely attached people.
- I know what it feels like to not want to live. I've been suicidal for a lot of my life. I was hospitalized for addiction, depression and for being suicidal when I quit drugs.
Personally I believe the deeply chaotic and painful life I've lived can only be changed by staying away from addiction in myself and anyone I date, healing myself and moving towards a more secure attachment style, and by only dating people who are secure or low in insecurity and aware of and working on their attachment wounds. I believe that if I don't do the work to heal, or if I chose to date someone who is insecurely attached and not working on it, I am choosing sustained pain and dysfunction. As hard as it's been, now that I know about attachment theory, I end things with someone if I learn they have insecure attachment and are not actively working on it. It hurts a lot to leave, but it also hurts very much to stay. The difference is that leaving gives me a chance to be healthier and happier in the future. Staying almost guarantees the dysfunction and pain will continue indefinitely. It's a lot like giving up drugs.
I've also been diagnosed with general anxiety and major depression, and to manage it I keep a strict routine. It may sound boring, but I kid you not, it saved my life. Here it is:
- Sleep: 8 hours per night - Meals: 3 per day - Gym: 2-3 times per week
- Yoga: 1 time per week
- Meditation: 1-3 times per day (using the free and awesome app. Insight Timer)
- See friends: 1-3 times per week
- Medication: 1 time per day (Zoloft)
- Grocery shop & meal perp.: 1 time per week
You asked what kind of therapy people are doing...I'm seeing a Jungian therapist who specializes in trauma. He does talk therapy, EMDR, and somatic therapy, which are all recommended for treating trauma and attachment. I wanted to work with someone specifically trained in attachment as well, and he's not, but I chose to work with him because he was highly recommended by someone I trust, and because of the methods he uses. There are a fair number of average to poor therapists out there, and since one of my top priorities was to find someone highly effective, I really valued the referral. I'm only 2 appointments in and I'm hopeful.
All the best on your journey.
Thank you notalone ! I appreciate the feedback! I think it will be helpful for me! I struggle with routines, but I see that they may be good for me. Sleep is a struggle right now, unfortunately I am getting only a couple hours a night, hopefully with additional meditation I will be able to improve over time... For the exgf, she was not your stereotypical "drunk" or out of control party girl, but she drank heavily alone to cope with pain from her past, and I was worried that it was increasing. I did the test and I ended up testing generally as strongly FA, Secure for friendships and around the middle for romance...although I've gone through such a traumatic period that I do doubt some of my answers. Perhaps I will re-take the test in a couple of days to see if my scores have shifted at all. A healthy routine, as well as sleep, is so important and has a huge impact on mood. You may have noticed sleep is #1 on my list; that's not a coincidence. If you want to feel better, make sleep a priority. I started meditating every night before bed after a bad breakup, because I was having trouble sleeping, and the meditations helped me sleep. Insight Timer (the meditation app. I mentioned) has great meditations and I find body scans to be incredibly relaxing. There are also sleep hypnosis videos by Michael Sealey on Youtube. I wasn't a party user either; I also used alone to medicate emotional pain. I don't judge anyone, using serves a purpose. Unfortunately, addiction also creates a whole other set of problems and prevents us from dealing with underlying issues. Whether a person uses substances for coping or partying, when it becomes addiction, long term consequences outweigh short term benefits. You were right to be worried. I'm not sure if attachment styles shift in days. Maybe. But that seems quick to me. |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 25, 2018 0:47:07 GMT
epicgum, I second notalone 's suggestion of trying to find a routine to stay in right now, during the waiting time before you can start therapy. Eating, sleeping, exercising, spending time with family and friends, finding ways to distract yourself from overly ruminating before you get some professional guidance (not to numb your feelings, but since you are feeling like living is such a chore right now, giving yourself a bit of a break from feeling overwhelmed and everything all at once until you can discuss better coping tools with someone experienced). You getting to this point where you recognize how much you had going on under the surface is a great accomplishment! Real growth feels very difficult and uncomfortable, and that's normal. Don't fixate on throwing it all away just because it hurts now that you're getting somewhere. Keep posting, you've got support here <3
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jess92
Junior Member
Posts: 50 
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Post by jess92 on Aug 25, 2018 19:21:42 GMT
That, I think, just counts toward the fact that you are already on your journey and taking all the right steps to keep moving forward in self growth. I guess some thingd work for one person and maybe not others but it's all about learning isn't it. Good luck with counselling - I'm not sure where you're based but I had a recommendation from someone to check out Counselling Directory and you could even explore whether the company you work for offers any kind of employee assistance programme. It's also really interesting and unites us all, in that despite what all of our differences are in terms of attachment styles, we're all embarking on or travelling through a similar journey making use of the same tools. Thanks jess92 ...I'm going to be getting CBT for the Generalized Anxiety at a university that offers reduced rates, unfortunately I have very poor insurance that does not really cover mental health. :/ Curious, what kind of therapy are you getting, or other people? I did intake and they recommended CBT and I asked to work with someone knowledgable in attachment styles, although no guarantee I think as it is a university clinic... That's a very good question... I'm not totally sure if I'm honest. The counsellor that I'll be having my sessions with specialises in Humanistic, Integrative, Psychodynamic but I think CBT is quite common (as it works). My first session is on Wednesday so I can let you know how it goes and what the tools are that we'll be using. Good luck with your sessions when they start. |
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Post by notalone on Aug 29, 2018 17:42:13 GMT
Hey Epicgum,
How are you doing?
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2018 17:49:49 GMT
Hey Epicgum, How are you doing? it's funny i thought of you as i was driving and was going to ask how you are notalone! i'll lurk on the thread to learn how both of you are |
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Post by epicgum on Aug 29, 2018 22:28:57 GMT
Hey Epicgum, How are you doing? Thanks for checking in on me notalone I appreciate it! I am like a yoyo....sometimes I am fine and can appreciate things like the sun, the smile from a stranger and a nice meal, and sometimes I want to think of her and disappear. I really wish I'd understood this stuff earlier. Oh well. |
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Post by notalone on Sept 6, 2018 13:20:47 GMT
Hey Epicgum, How are you doing? I really wish I'd understood this stuff earlier. Oh well. We all wish that, I think. It's good to be grateful we know now, and healthy to grieve the time we spent in the dark hurting. |
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Post by notalone on Sept 6, 2018 13:23:17 GMT
Hey Epicgum, How are you doing? it's funny i thought of you as i was driving and was going to ask how you are notalone ! i'll lurk on the thread to learn how both of you are hey juniper! I'm ok. Up and down. Not seeing anyone now, feeling lonely, but also grateful for and enjoying all the positives in my life. At least I haven't had any extreme depressive episodes recently so that's good. I've been thinking about you too. How are you doing? |
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Post by jaleesa on Sept 7, 2018 9:51:34 GMT
I think it is important to recognize that, if she is AP, she took a big and challenging step in drawing a line where her needs were going unmet and breaking up with you. It can take a lot for APs walk away from a connection that isn't serving them. A secure might have done that much earlier. This. But, since you explained that you might have made this switch from DA to AP after the breakup, she might have made this switch as well, just the other way around. Now she's the one in control, unconsciously. I wouldn't be surprised if she switched to AP again as soon as you leave her alone. So watch out for "playing games", since this is the push-pull dynamic most people here are so familiar with. If you want to get her back, focus on yourself first and make sure you can be the stable and secure person she needs in this relationship. She needs to do that as well or this will never work in my opinion. It's a two way street. Best of luck! |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2018 14:59:56 GMT
epicgum, Sorry, I am very late to this post, but I am sorry for your break up. They are excruciatingly painful and even harder when you feel you are in a state of limbo. I am DA and let's just say, I have dated lots of APs, but I have always been the one to walk away. My experience is that they do come back at some point. However, since she made the decision to do the walking, it could very well be final. I am sure she put a lot of thought and agony over the decision. Everyone is so different and complex, who is to say. I think it's easy to "want" someone when they are gone and think that things will be different the next time around. I am in a milder version of this right now and the "what ifs" keep circling. As others have said, Take care of you. Time and distractions do help.
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Post by epicgum on Sept 7, 2018 15:24:49 GMT
epicgum , Sorry, I am very late to this post, but I am sorry for your break up. They are excruciatingly painful and even harder when you feel you are in a state of limbo. I am DA and let's just say, I have dated lots of APs, but I have always been the one to walk away. My experience is that they do come back at some point. However, since she made the decision to do the walking, it could very well be final. I am sure she put a lot of thought and agony over the decision. Everyone is so different and complex, who is to say. I think it's easy to "want" someone when they are gone and think that things will be different the next time around. I am in a milder version of this right now and the "what ifs" keep circling. As others have said, Take care of you. Time and distractions do help. Thanks for your thoughts @mary |
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Post by epicgum on Sept 7, 2018 16:00:32 GMT
I think it is important to recognize that, if she is AP, she took a big and challenging step in drawing a line where her needs were going unmet and breaking up with you. It can take a lot for APs walk away from a connection that isn't serving them. A secure might have done that much earlier. This. But, since you explained that you might have made this switch from DA to AP after the breakup, she might have made this switch as well, just the other way around. Now she's the one in control, unconsciously. I wouldn't be surprised if she switched to AP again as soon as you leave her alone. So watch out for "playing games", since this is the push-pull dynamic most people here are so familiar with. If you want to get her back, focus on yourself first and make sure you can be the stable and secure person she needs in this relationship. She needs to do that as well or this will never work in my opinion. It's a two way street. Best of luck! Thanks jaleesa I doubt there will be games, she just wants me to move on and I seem incapable of that...where I was also incapable of moving towards further commitment in the relationship. It's all very confusing. |
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