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Post by Deleted on Oct 21, 2018 19:21:52 GMT
I think insight on this board is a little limited because there aren't any Male DAs here, just FAs and female DAs. I'm not sure if DA means NO pursuit behavior. [ Epic- from what I read DA’s feel they’re better off alone and feel they don’t need anyone where an FA will still desire and pursue a relationship, before becoming fearful. Yes, I think the big difference is that DAs do not consciously want a relationship, even if it's probably there in the subconscious. All of the styles though are a spectrum. I see the style descriptions as a guide, rather than an absolute. There really is no way of knowing what a person will do, even if they are generally one style. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 21, 2018 19:25:11 GMT
Confusing to me bc my ex presented as FA while he pursued and was in our relationship but near the end and through the break he’s been DA. Not sure what he really is bc he flip flopped? I think insight on this board is a little limited because there aren't any Male DAs here, just FAs and female DAs. I'm not sure if DA means NO pursuit behavior. It would be nice to have DAs on this board in general I think. I am strongly DA and I do not pursue. I have met some male DAs and I have noticed some pursuit behavior with them. I think there is a stronger expectation of pursuit behavior with men in general just cause of how men and women are socialized. Just my opinion. |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 21, 2018 21:02:48 GMT
I think insight on this board is a little limited because there aren't any Male DAs here, just FAs and female DAs. I'm not sure if DA means NO pursuit behavior. It would be nice to have DAs on this board in general I think. I am strongly DA and I do not pursue. I have met some male DAs and I have noticed some pursuit behavior with them. I think there is a stronger expectation of pursuit behavior with men in general just cause of how men and women are socialized. Just my opinion. Hi Mary  Yes, and my ex pursued me strongly in the beginning- demonstrated more FA tendencies. Now from what I read, he’s firmly in the DA camp. And he wouldn’t go online for social media, forums, dating apps...so you definitely wouldn’t find him here! I agree, attachment styles are a guide and there’s a spectrum. Seems my ex fluctuates between FA and DA. I was wondering....if the FA is attracted to the AP initially bc they like the attention and adoration- it appeals to and comforts their fearful side, and then as time wears on, all the attention that was previously a positive is now a negative and viewed as needy and demanding and overwhelms their avoidant side. It seemed to be the case with my ex and me- he loved me, until he didn’t!! 🤷♀️ |
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Post by epicgum on Oct 21, 2018 22:59:41 GMT
It would be nice to have DAs on this board in general I think. I am strongly DA and I do not pursue. I have met some male DAs and I have noticed some pursuit behavior with them. I think there is a stronger expectation of pursuit behavior with men in general just cause of how men and women are socialized. Just my opinion. Hi Mary Yes, and my ex pursued me strongly in the beginning- demonstrated more FA tendencies. Now from what I read, he’s firmly in the DA camp. And he wouldn’t go online for social media, forums, dating apps...so you definitely wouldn’t find him here! I agree, attachment styles are a guide and there’s a spectrum. Seems my ex fluctuates between FA and DA. I was wondering....if the FA is attracted to the AP initially bc they like the attention and adoration- it appeals to and comforts their fearful side, and then as time wears on, all the attention that was previously a positive is now a negative and viewed as needy and demanding and overwhelms their avoidant side. It seemed to be the case with my ex and me- he loved me, until he didn’t!! 🤷♀️ What I've read (and has been somewhat my experience) is that avoidants of both flavors have such strong emotional walls that it's only anxiously attached people who will have the endurance to keep going and try to break them down. Secure people would just give up. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Oct 21, 2018 23:38:48 GMT
Mary, is the bit about being DA and not pursuing and the bit about not consciously wanting a relationship the same? Because one could not pursue but still want it. My understanding is often DA's do want intimacy and a relationship but don't necessarily believe it is available or possible, and often thus make a point of forging onward alone. I've never gotten the sense from all I've read that DA's are defined by not wanting relationships.
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 22, 2018 2:25:52 GMT
Hi Mary Yes, and my ex pursued me strongly in the beginning- demonstrated more FA tendencies. Now from what I read, he’s firmly in the DA camp. And he wouldn’t go online for social media, forums, dating apps...so you definitely wouldn’t find him here! I agree, attachment styles are a guide and there’s a spectrum. Seems my ex fluctuates between FA and DA. I was wondering....if the FA is attracted to the AP initially bc they like the attention and adoration- it appeals to and comforts their fearful side, and then as time wears on, all the attention that was previously a positive is now a negative and viewed as needy and demanding and overwhelms their avoidant side. It seemed to be the case with my ex and me- he loved me, until he didn’t!! 🤷♀️ What I've read (and has been somewhat my experience) is that avoidants of both flavors have such strong emotional walls that it's only anxiously attached people who will have the endurance to keep going and try to break them down. Secure people would just give up. Epic- Hey, makes sense that secures would walk away much faster. |
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 22, 2018 2:35:31 GMT
Hi Mary Yes, and my ex pursued me strongly in the beginning- demonstrated more FA tendencies. Now from what I read, he’s firmly in the DA camp. And he wouldn’t go online for social media, forums, dating apps...so you definitely wouldn’t find him here! I agree, attachment styles are a guide and there’s a spectrum. Seems my ex fluctuates between FA and DA. I was wondering....if the FA is attracted to the AP initially bc they like the attention and adoration- it appeals to and comforts their fearful side, and then as time wears on, all the attention that was previously a positive is now a negative and viewed as needy and demanding and overwhelms their avoidant side. It seemed to be the case with my ex and me- he loved me, until he didn’t!! 🤷♀️ What I've read (and has been somewhat my experience) is that avoidants of both flavors have such strong emotional walls that it's only anxiously attached people who will have the endurance to keep going and try to break them down. Secure people would just give up. Interestingly....B revealed that every girl he dated pursued him....I don't know if that is associated back to his attachment or not. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 22, 2018 14:36:31 GMT
Mary, is the bit about being DA and not pursuing and the bit about not consciously wanting a relationship the same? Because one could not pursue but still want it. My understanding is often DA's do want intimacy and a relationship but don't necessarily believe it is available or possible, and often thus make a point of forging onward alone. I've never gotten the sense from all I've read that DA's are defined by not wanting relationships. Very interesting question. That is true, someone could want it but not pursue. The literature says that DAs deny the need for intimate relationships, the need for emotional attachment is not felt consciously. The difference with FA, is that they consciously want the emotional attachment. I am sure some of the literature out there is different and perhaps contradictory and I'm not sure anyone can say definitively, except each individual. |
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Post by epicgum on Oct 22, 2018 17:34:07 GMT
Mary, is the bit about being DA and not pursuing and the bit about not consciously wanting a relationship the same? Because one could not pursue but still want it. My understanding is often DA's do want intimacy and a relationship but don't necessarily believe it is available or possible, and often thus make a point of forging onward alone. I've never gotten the sense from all I've read that DA's are defined by not wanting relationships. Very interesting question. That is true, someone could want it but not pursue. The literature says that DAs deny the need for intimate relationships, the need for emotional attachment is not felt consciously. The difference with FA, is that they consciously want the emotional attachment. I am sure some of the literature out there is different and perhaps contradictory and I'm not sure anyone can say definitively, except each individual. A sudden thought--DA's might deny emotional needs, but at the same time engage in pursuit behaviors to meet sexual needs, right? Correct me if I'm wrong @mary, but I would imagine that sex and emotions are more divorced for DAs. For me (FA?), I think that I 'hid' behind the sexual needs aspect of it because I wasn't comfortable admitting to myself that I or she had emotional needs. It sounds crazy, but what I wanted, and had for a while, was a relationship where we both had feelings, but were also kind of in denial about those feelings--or at least in a place where those feelings never got too intense or overwhelming. But, sexual needs are less threatening so it's ok to desire each other physically, no issue with that. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 22, 2018 19:32:49 GMT
Mary, is the bit about being DA and not pursuing and the bit about not consciously wanting a relationship the same? Because one could not pursue but still want it. My understanding is often DA's do want intimacy and a relationship but don't necessarily believe it is available or possible, and often thus make a point of forging onward alone. I've never gotten the sense from all I've read that DA's are defined by not wanting relationships. Very interesting question. That is true, someone could want it but not pursue. The literature says that DAs deny the need for intimate relationships, the need for emotional attachment is not felt consciously. The difference with FA, is that they consciously want the emotional attachment. I am sure some of the literature out there is different and perhaps contradictory and I'm not sure anyone can say definitively, except each individual. there is a big difference between pursuit behavior (attention getting at the least) and behavior toward actualizing a relationship. historically, i have done some flirting and contact which for the relationship-inclined, might be seen as actual pursuit. but no follow through. my experience has been (and i've only recently gained insight into this, in spite of all the work i've done- so many facets to all of this!) that the idea of the relationship was enough but when it comes to actually making or allowing it to happen, i've remained intert. my natural state in regard to relationships has historically been inert. with healing and awareness, and bringing the desire for intimacy, interconnectedness, and partnership from the unconscious to the conscious level, i have to consistently use awareness to recognize my inertia and overcome it. at some times, when it feels my emotional ball is "rolling" and there is a measure of trust and rapport and affection, i am much better at actively participating and reaching for the relationship, for a partner. however, in early stages, or when resentment due to dysfunction has set it, my mode is inertia or deactivation. but i'm continually working on recognizing how i sabotage what i like and want. |
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 22, 2018 19:41:38 GMT
Hey juniper...welcome back..your presence was missed. I think all insecure attachments sabotage in ways that are unique to the trauma each experienced. I think being overly eager, being all in with little to no information, feeling overly responsible to the point of neediness and smothering has been some of my sabotaging behaviors. It is as if I have been busy trying to find someone who can work around these behaviors rather then changing them...lots of work yet to do. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 22, 2018 20:18:45 GMT
Hey juniper...welcome back..your presence was missed. I think all insecure attachments sabotage in ways that are unique to the trauma each experienced. I think being overly eager, being all in with little to no information, feeling overly responsible to the point of neediness and smothering has been some of my sabotaging behaviors. It is as if I have been busy trying to find someone who can work around these behaviors rather then changing them...lots of work yet to do. thank you so much for the welcome back, and warm words. and i understand what you're saying about the sabotaging, and trying to find someone who can work around our limited capacities.. actually, o can see that i've done that, but i also see that during the last two years or so of hard work to change, i still could only have been involved with another dismissive who would not be overly damaged by my own dismissiveness. in the end, i tend to believe that we find ourselves in the external situations that kind of match and challenge where we are internally, and from there we grow at whatever pace we are able to and the external situations transform into something solid or something that dissolves, as needed for our continuing growth. so nothing is lost if we just keep going and giving it our best. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 22, 2018 21:45:49 GMT
Very interesting question. That is true, someone could want it but not pursue. The literature says that DAs deny the need for intimate relationships, the need for emotional attachment is not felt consciously. The difference with FA, is that they consciously want the emotional attachment. I am sure some of the literature out there is different and perhaps contradictory and I'm not sure anyone can say definitively, except each individual. A sudden thought--DA's might deny emotional needs, but at the same time engage in pursuit behaviors to meet sexual needs, right? Correct me if I'm wrong @mary , but I would imagine that sex and emotions are more divorced for DAs. For me (FA?), I think that I 'hid' behind the sexual needs aspect of it because I wasn't comfortable admitting to myself that I or she had emotional needs. It sounds crazy, but what I wanted, and had for a while, was a relationship where we both had feelings, but were also kind of in denial about those feelings--or at least in a place where those feelings never got too intense or overwhelming. But, sexual needs are less threatening so it's ok to desire each other physically, no issue with that. For me, yes, I would say that sex and emotions are somewhat separate. It's a good point, I can see pursuing such things as sex and companionship would be seen by the other person as pursuit of relationship and intimacy. |
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Post by epicgum on Oct 23, 2018 3:16:31 GMT
A sudden thought--DA's might deny emotional needs, but at the same time engage in pursuit behaviors to meet sexual needs, right? Correct me if I'm wrong @mary , but I would imagine that sex and emotions are more divorced for DAs. For me (FA?), I think that I 'hid' behind the sexual needs aspect of it because I wasn't comfortable admitting to myself that I or she had emotional needs. It sounds crazy, but what I wanted, and had for a while, was a relationship where we both had feelings, but were also kind of in denial about those feelings--or at least in a place where those feelings never got too intense or overwhelming. But, sexual needs are less threatening so it's ok to desire each other physically, no issue with that. For me, yes, I would say that sex and emotions are somewhat separate. It's a good point, I can see pursuing such things as sex and companionship would be seen by the other person as pursuit of relationship and intimacy. Hi @mary I'm curious, how would you distinguish companionship from intimacy? |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 23, 2018 3:37:08 GMT
For me, yes, I would say that sex and emotions are somewhat separate. It's a good point, I can see pursuing such things as sex and companionship would be seen by the other person as pursuit of relationship and intimacy. Hi @mary I'm curious, how would you distinguish companionship from intimacy? Epic...I can def speak for my DA that sex and emotions were separate. About 6 weeks after break he was willing to see me again but only for a physical relationship. About 2 months after that he began to treat me as a friend with physical. 11 months post break and we were still at that point. He’s afraid to cross that line again. Afraid to be hurt. Afraid to open up. Afraid to trust. Even though he was only seeing me exclusively, it triggered me all over to be only casual with someone I loved. And after the last text I sent him after we were together- I’m sure his logical side decided if casual is too hard for me, as I expressed, than I should end the relationship. He didn’t communicate this verbally but I believe in his silence he was communicating that. |
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Yes, and my ex pursued me strongly in the beginning- demonstrated more FA tendencies. Now from what I read, he’s firmly in the DA camp. And he wouldn’t go online for social media, forums, dating apps...so you definitely wouldn’t find him here! I agree, attachment styles are a guide and there’s a spectrum. Seems my ex fluctuates between FA and DA. I was wondering....if the FA is attracted to the AP initially bc they like the attention and adoration- it appeals to and comforts their fearful side, and then as time wears on, all the attention that was previously a positive is now a negative and viewed as needy and demanding and overwhelms their avoidant side. It seemed to be the case with my ex and me- he loved me, until he didn’t!! 🤷♀️
