How to get over phantom ex &/or stop looking for perfection?

I struggle with this, though for me I didn't actually date the "phantom ex"-- just a series of friendships with people I had a lot of feelings for. More like an unrequited love addiction, but yes, it's hard to not compare real romantic partners to the ones that got away/ones I never had, etc. Now intellectually I (we) KNOW that this person we struggle to let go of has their own flaws, and that a relationship with them would have its own challenges and maybe great challenges (especially if they aren't reliable) but something about the connection and beauty of this person when it was good is like this elusive thing that's so hard to accept is over and gone for good.... emotionally or psychologically it's hard to believe what we know intellectually-- it feels like the loss is irreplaceable.

I have a few contradictory thoughts about this:
1. Part of the way out of this is to recognize that we have to re-define love, ideal relationships, what is good, etc. The actual dating partner who seems like so much less than the "phantom ex" can be wonderful in a different way that may ultimately be more real, true and meaningful. You will build a life together and learn to accept each other for who you really are, and the commitment and working together and being there for each other over the years will create its own beauty. It is different than whatever elusive thing you miss (or never had but delude yourself into thinking you had) from that phantom ex, but that doesn't mean it can't be a good life.


2. On the other hand at other times I think maybe it would be better to make peace with and accept that this phantom ex is always going to be floating around, that the ghost never really dies, and that sometimes indulging in the fantasy may serve a purpose (a sort of refuge or the ability to imagine something that is missing) that can help us get through life, as long as we can be honest enough with ourselves that it is just a fantasy. Like, I am working on my marriage even though I can't kill the phantom ex fantasy. The phantom ex fantasy might just be a part of who I am, and maybe it can't be fully extinguished but can be put in its place.

I know my situation is different from most of you in that I've been married 15 years and most other people here are single or dating someone they haven't been with that long. So I suppose I'm proof you can marry and have kids and stay together and still laugh with each other and have fun times along with your struggles even if you are still carrying around a phantom ex or series of exes in your mind (and there are times I've thought about divorce or questioned if I married the wrong person before deciding I was committed and moving forward with this marriage, sometimes very dark times).

These are good ideas. I've been trying the low/no expectations thing with dating, but so far it seems to result in people I suspect are secure prospects just kind of trailing off, presumably because I am not showing enough interest to keep them interested.

I don't yet know how to see my last phantom ex as never a viable partner. I feel like we were thisclose. Maybe I can see him as dead though, since the breakup was out of the blue and shocked me like a sudden death. But a dead person you don't have to live in constant fear of bumping into.

leavethelighton Thanks for the good points and advice. One phantom I had for a decade was a friend I never even dated, so I get that. I'm not sure how I got over that one, perhaps it was by being friends (through friendship I was able to become aware of some things which eventually dashed the fantasy that if conditions and timing were only right we could and would be happy together romantically), or perhaps it was by replacing him with a newer brighter sparklier phantom. I'm impressed you have stuck with your marriage for 15 years! Did you fear that you were "settling" and if so, how did you escape it?

I’m going to get on my soap box and leave this here and come back later to add more when I’m not boiling..

“Pursue me” (?) This is something I will never understand. This is 2018, not 1958. Equality works both ways. I am constantly amazed. It’s sick and manipulative. Yes, it’s the norm, but we live in a new normal.

I think she meant she wants someone who will choose her too versus push/reject/run.

I've been wracking my brain as to how me wanting someone who pursues me and chooses to be with me long-term could be "sick and manipulative," and all I can come up with is that perhaps the word "pursue" conjures up some image that some heterosexual men have of a woman purposely playing hard to get and doing things like acting uninterested or turning down dates for the sole reason of making men chase her. Is that the image that word gives you?

As alexandra said, in my post I just meant I want someone who will choose me too, rather than pull away/reject me/run. But I will elaborate on what else I want.

I want to be with someone who takes initiative to ask me out on dates at minimum as often as I ask, someone who actively advances along the path to a meaningful, ongoing and exclusive relationship, someone who makes it clear that they want to be with me–and that they want a future with me–by their actions and words. Every single situation in the past decade, aside from one (which was unhealthy in its own right and was with someone highly FA who would do things like ignore texts and calls for months), where I have been the one asking someone out more than they ask me, texting them more than they text me, the one trying to gradually increase how often we see each other or bring up the idea of exclusivity etc, has resulted in the relationship ending in under 3 months (and often much quicker). This tends to pull me into an AP mode and has been incredibly painful for me, so I want to date someone who does those things themselves and does not reject me. I don't think that's a desire that needs to be slashed from my list, but I'm willing to be convinced otherwise.

When I said my ex didn't pursue me or choose me but was what I was looking for aside from that, I wasn't referring to any behavior I was planning to do to force a man to do those things. But I do actually want to give men room to take the lead and see what they do. My ex enthusiastically accepted every invitation I extended to him and went along with plans for the future and the exclusivity talk and such, then coldly dumped me without warning. Who knows if it would have turned out differently if I had given him more space to take the lead, maybe not, but I think it's possible he either would have faded away and I wouldn't have gotten as attached or as hurt, or else he would have set a pace he was comfortable with and not felt so pressured or scared (and I could have decided if it worked for me). When I am the one leading the relationship, I can't feel sure if the other person is just getting swept up in my enthusiasm or is accepting my invites because they enjoy the validation or what. If they take the lead or at least meet me half-way then I can see they care enough to be willing to put in some effort.

It doesn't feel good to me to chase someone, what about you?

Can you share more about your perspective?