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Post by happyidiot on Sept 11, 2018 5:55:34 GMT
compassionateavoid, I relate so hard to all of this. Wow. I am also unsure whether my super stable relationship (where I'm the one keeping my distance) is fundamentally flawed because it lacks sparkle, or whether sparkle is an unhealthy goal for me and I'm better off without it. Sparkle for me has tended to to go along with high anxiety, and I'm inexperienced enough in relationships (or at an early enough stage of my AP recovery) not to know whether a gentle, not-maddening, sustainable sparkle is a thing I can experience and should aspire to. Because I'm non-monogamous, I keep hoping the sparkle will come along in a form that won't force me to give up my deep, loving, and sparkle-less relationship of five years. But I worry about the toll it takes on my relationship that I'm so focused on tracking down sparkle. It's a kind of phantom, but is it a phantom in the deactivation/avoidant sense, or is it a legit desire not stemming from a fear of closeness with my current (wonderful) partner? I'm confused about it.
Edited to add: But then I've stayed in my five-year relationship all this time, and I guess that's my wisdom or my sense of safety or both talking. Well, and love, right?........... I know this wasn't addressed to me but I have some thoughts. Looking back, when I was in a long non-monogamous relationship in the past, I definitely eventually used the non-monogamy as a deactivation strategy, in multiple ways. However I think it can be good for some people with avoidant tendencies because it can enable you to feel less trapped and less like you need to find one person who can fulfill all your desires. And you have a much better chance than I did back then because you have a lot of self-awareness and knowledge about attachment theory. I would consider if it's possible your frequent worries about how polyamory is affecting your partner might itself be an avoidant deactivating strategy. For me it was. Sure, people in secure relationships can try to anticipate their partner's needs and are wary of hurting them too, but I see it as a frequent deactivation strategy among people I know, including myself, to start convincing oneself that it is unfair to ones partner to be with them rather than letting them choose, sooner or later using that to justify breaking up with them. It is also common to break up with someone because you find a spark with someone new. Often it seems to be just a way to get out of the current primary relationship and the new one doesn't even last. (I don't know if you've decided yet if you are mainly AP or FA, but I'm talking about avoidance since that seemed like what you were asking about as far as your role in this particular relationship, is that right?) EDIT: I'm having some quoting problems too!
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Post by alexandra on Sept 11, 2018 6:12:44 GMT
I am also unsure whether my super stable relationship (where I'm the one keeping my distance) is fundamentally flawed because it lacks sparkle, or whether sparkle is an unhealthy goal for me and I'm better off without it. Sparkle for me has tended to to go along with high anxiety, and I'm inexperienced enough in relationships (or at an early enough stage of my AP recovery) not to know whether a gentle, not-maddening, sustainable sparkle is a thing I can experience and should aspire to. I have found that the sparkle was basically always my anxiety being activated in a way that mimicked lust. It turned out to not be sustainable nor something to aspire to. I can't handle polyamory personally, but I think if I ever had a primary partner that felt stable and non sparkley when I was AP then met someone I had that overwhelming feeling for, well... I assume I'd have met an avoidant that things wouldn't work out with and my obsessive distraught and attachment injury-driven response after would end up driving away my primary! I've said this before, but I was very attracted to my ex FA partner long before his avoidance got activated, and it felt warm, loving, stable, comfortable, like home. Like lusting for my best friend in a way that was not totally overwhelming, and that was brand new for me. As I've become secure and able to recognize and describe this stuff, that's now what I aspire to, with a strong dose of dedication on the side. In contrast, I had crazy physical chemistry with a guy I dated last year before my ex and I tried to reconcile... that was full of sparkles and totally NOT worth it. Because that guy ended up gaslighting me and I ran away. Luckily I was far enough along in AP recovery to figure out what was happening pretty quickly  The irony is, my FA ex broke up with me because he missed the sparkles. |
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Post by andy on Sept 11, 2018 15:07:22 GMT
I know this wasn't addressed to me but I have some thoughts. Looking back, when I was in a long non-monogamous relationship in the past, I definitely eventually used the non-monogamy as a deactivation strategy, in multiple ways. However I think it can be good for some people with avoidant tendencies because it can enable you to feel less trapped and less like you need to find one person who can fulfill all your desires. And you have a much better chance than I did back then because you have a lot of self-awareness and knowledge about attachment theory. I would consider if it's possible your frequent worries about how polyamory is affecting your partner might itself be an avoidant deactivating strategy. For me it was. Sure, people in secure relationships can try to anticipate their partner's needs and are wary of hurting them too, but I see it as a frequent deactivation strategy among people I know, including myself, to start convincing oneself that it is unfair to ones partner to be with them rather than letting them choose, sooner or later using that to justify breaking up with them. It is also common to break up with someone because you find a spark with someone new. Often it seems to be just a way to get out of the current primary relationship and the new one doesn't even last. (I don't know if you've decided yet if you are mainly AP or FA, but I'm talking about avoidance since that seemed like what you were asking about as far as your role in this particular relationship, is that right?) EDIT: I'm having some quoting problems too! Hey happyidiot , I like the way you have framed this. It might have felt like going out on a limb to talk about how polyamory can be used as a deactivation strategy, but I'm totally fine with it and interested in that question myself. Poly can be good for some people, monogamy can be good for some people, and to me it isn't off-limits to talk about how either connects with attachment issues. I mean, poly gets scrutinized a lot because it's outside of the mainstream, and maybe if the mainstream were non-monogamy, then people would start to think about what makes certain people gravitate towards monogamy. It might look like an AP thing?! I think both relationship structures can be done well by secure people who are deliberately choosing what works for them. I stumbled into poly so can't claim to be in the deliberate camp. And my security is definitely still in progress, whether I'm AP or FA, and that I do not know. I think I can relate to what leavethelighton has described, which is mainly AP but verging on DA with my long-term partner, not the pursuit/retreat dynamic with each person I'm with. I hadn't considered that my guilt in my relationship (relating to the concern that my partner isn't really happy with our level of closeness) could be a deactivation strategy. That's an insightful idea! I don't think I would use that to break up with him, but maybe I use it to keep doubts about the relationship alive in the back of my mind and hold myself back from getting all the way connected/invested. Though I do feel quite connected, I seem to hang on to this little sliver of doubt about whether the relationship is right for me, and I should figure out whether I derive some feeling of safety from doing that. I could believe it. You mentioned poly could be good for people with avoidant tendencies, and for me I do think it has helped me to stick this relationship out longer than any other. I mean, I might have broken it off long ago if I thought that all sparkles were off the table always and forever if I stayed. And though I have not had sparkles in this relationship (really no sparkles - like I'm talking about a complete BFF vibe with enough sexual compatibility for things to be workable), I have enjoyed so much warmth and support and values alignment and intellectual compatibility and fun and just getting each other so effortlessly. The relationship has a lot more stability than others I've been in as it free of this messed up cultural pressure to be The One, to be everything to me, to be perfect. However, I'm thinking about the two excellent strategies leavethelighton described for co-existing with the phantoms in a healthy way. One of them was accepting the phantoms as a constant presence in life that serves a purpose but is ultimately just fantasy, and staying grounded in the knowledge that it is fantasy. That sounds really wise and healthy to me, but I guess if my phantom is sparkle and I'm poly, the phantom is always going to look like a realistic and desirable prospect to me. So I'm never going to be able to dismiss the sparkle as an impossibility or fantasy, so I will always use the desire for sparkle to put a little emotional buffer between myself and my partner, if that's what's going on. How to deal with it? (Oh my gosh you guys, I should be a sparkle phantom for Hallowe'en.  ) (Aaaaannnnnd... this is not even touching on the question of the actual phantom ex, who is back in town and got in touch with me right away when she returned, taking two turns in a row to initiate plans with me, which of course I made note of in my fanatical analytical little AP brain. Gah! I signed up to see a new counsellor next week and will continue to sort through the question of how to handle this friendship with the phantom in a healthy and secure-as-possible way....) |
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Post by andy on Sept 11, 2018 15:26:30 GMT
I am also unsure whether my super stable relationship (where I'm the one keeping my distance) is fundamentally flawed because it lacks sparkle, or whether sparkle is an unhealthy goal for me and I'm better off without it. Sparkle for me has tended to to go along with high anxiety, and I'm inexperienced enough in relationships (or at an early enough stage of my AP recovery) not to know whether a gentle, not-maddening, sustainable sparkle is a thing I can experience and should aspire to. I have found that the sparkle was basically always my anxiety being activated in a way that mimicked lust. It turned out to not be sustainable nor something to aspire to. I can't handle polyamory personally, but I think if I ever had a primary partner that felt stable and non sparkley when I was AP then met someone I had that overwhelming feeling for, well... I assume I'd have met an avoidant that things wouldn't work out with and my obsessive distraught and attachment injury-driven response after would end up driving away my primary! I've said this before, but I was very attracted to my ex FA partner long before his avoidance got activated, and it felt warm, loving, stable, comfortable, like home. Like lusting for my best friend in a way that was not totally overwhelming, and that was brand new for me. As I've become secure and able to recognize and describe this stuff, that's now what I aspire to, with a strong dose of dedication on the side. In contrast, I had crazy physical chemistry with a guy I dated last year before my ex and I tried to reconcile... that was full of sparkles and totally NOT worth it. Because that guy ended up gaslighting me and I ran away. Luckily I was far enough along in AP recovery to figure out what was happening pretty quickly The irony is, my FA ex broke up with me because he missed the sparkles. Hi alexandra, I really admire how solid you are in this knowledge that for you sparkle is... an emotional mirage, more or less?... and that you're better off without it. I feel really sad when I consider that possibility. What kind of process have others gone through to come to accept that the love that's healthy and sustainable for them doesn't look quite like the love they've been taught to seek, the love they're convinced they really LOVE? Maybe this is throwing a huge wrench into the discussion that won't be relevant for anyone else, but what the heck: I've mainly only had sparkles with women, though I'm certainly sexually attracted to men. I had big fat sparkles for my male grade 7 teacher 23 years ago and that's about it.  So it is extra hard for me to leave this sparkle idea behind as it is part of the way I've come to understand my sexual and romantic orientation, and I've found community around that. So it is a deep and important thing to me. When I date men, they usually seem to like me, and I usually act pretty aloof and feel uncertain whether I'm into them or not, even if the physical chemistry is there. So many puzzle pieces, right? It is hard to sort out attachment issues when they are mixed up with lots of other important stuff. |
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Post by epicgum on Sept 11, 2018 15:59:59 GMT
Its interesting....one of my (private) reasons for not wanting to live together was losing the sexual passion/sparkle
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Post by lilyg on Sept 11, 2018 16:24:54 GMT
I have found that the sparkle was basically always my anxiety being activated in a way that mimicked lust. It turned out to not be sustainable nor something to aspire to. I can't handle polyamory personally, but I think if I ever had a primary partner that felt stable and non sparkley when I was AP then met someone I had that overwhelming feeling for, well... I assume I'd have met an avoidant that things wouldn't work out with and my obsessive distraught and attachment injury-driven response after would end up driving away my primary! I've said this before, but I was very attracted to my ex FA partner long before his avoidance got activated, and it felt warm, loving, stable, comfortable, like home. Like lusting for my best friend in a way that was not totally overwhelming, and that was brand new for me. As I've become secure and able to recognize and describe this stuff, that's now what I aspire to, with a strong dose of dedication on the side. In contrast, I had crazy physical chemistry with a guy I dated last year before my ex and I tried to reconcile... that was full of sparkles and totally NOT worth it. Because that guy ended up gaslighting me and I ran away. Luckily I was far enough along in AP recovery to figure out what was happening pretty quickly The irony is, my FA ex broke up with me because he missed the sparkles. Hi alexandra , I really admire how solid you are in this knowledge that for you sparkle is... an emotional mirage, more or less?... and that you're better off without it. I feel really sad when I consider that possibility. What kind of process have others gone through to come to accept that the love that's healthy and sustainable for them doesn't look quite like the love they've been taught to seek, the love they're convinced they really LOVE? Maybe this is throwing a huge wrench into the discussion that won't be relevant for anyone else, but what the heck: I've mainly only had sparkles with women, though I'm certainly sexually attracted to men. I had big fat sparkles for my male grade 7 teacher 23 years ago and that's about it. So it is extra hard for me to leave this sparkle idea behind as it is part of the way I've come to understand my sexual and romantic orientation, and I've found community around that. So it is a deep and important thing to me. When I date men, they usually seem to like me, and I usually act pretty aloof and feel uncertain whether I'm into them or not, even if the physical chemistry is there. So many puzzle pieces, right? It is hard to sort out attachment issues when they are mixed up with lots of other important stuff. One of my best girlfriends is exactly like you she has sexual chemistry with guys but all the big sparkles she usually feels are with women, but she's usually like that with insecurely attached women. She's now in a loving relationship with a secure man and I've actually talked with them about attachment styles and it has resonated a lot with them. She's very happy with him now, and they're working towards their relationship day by day, but she's been very troubled in the past exactly by this. She has just decided she loves him, and that she wants to love him in the best way possible and enjoy all the good things they have together (sex, dates, loving home, fun activities). I think it's a leap of faith you have to take for someone. We all have infinite possibilities of meeting people, and I think love is realising someone gives you that 90% of what's most important to you. So I think a checklist is a good idea, but one related to core values. About sparkles… well… I desire a lot in many ways, I love to share time with my partner, our shared activities and fun times laughing and doing our thing, I think about him, but it's like a duality of sexual lust/best friend thing. I know I've rejected good guys because even if I sex was amazing and we could have human connection... we couldn't understand or share what made each other passionate about life. That's my kind of sparkle. I guess it's about that, wanting to love someone the best way possible and wanting them to love us equally, feeling respected while still feeling that we can share with them what make us 'tick'. I actually hate feeling out of control / in pain because of someone and I usually think that person is no good for me. When I get anxious I just feel like running away  not a very romantic thing to feel. But well, what the hell do I know, I'm on a forum working on myself |
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Post by happyidiot on Sept 11, 2018 16:35:42 GMT
Hey happyidiot , I like the way you have framed this. It might have felt like going out on a limb to talk about how polyamory can be used as a deactivation strategy, but I'm totally fine with it and interested in that question myself. Poly can be good for some people, monogamy can be good for some people, and to me it isn't off-limits to talk about how either connects with attachment issues. I mean, poly gets scrutinized a lot because it's outside of the mainstream, and maybe if the mainstream were non-monogamy, then people would start to think about what makes certain people gravitate towards monogamy. It might look like an AP thing?! I think both relationship structures can be done well by secure people who are deliberately choosing what works for them. I stumbled into poly so can't claim to be in the deliberate camp. And my security is definitely still in progress, whether I'm AP or FA, and that I do not know. I think I can relate to what leavethelighton has described, which is mainly AP but verging on DA with my long-term partner, not the pursuit/retreat dynamic with each person I'm with. I hadn't considered that my guilt in my relationship (relating to the concern that my partner isn't really happy with our level of closeness) could be a deactivation strategy. That's an insightful idea! I don't think I would use that to break up with him, but maybe I use it to keep doubts about the relationship alive in the back of my mind and hold myself back from getting all the way connected/invested. Though I do feel quite connected, I seem to hang on to this little sliver of doubt about whether the relationship is right for me, and I should figure out whether I derive some feeling of safety from doing that. I could believe it. You mentioned poly could be good for people with avoidant tendencies, and for me I do think it has helped me to stick this relationship out longer than any other. I mean, I might have broken it off long ago if I thought that all sparkles were off the table always and forever if I stayed. And though I have not had sparkles in this relationship (really no sparkles - like I'm talking about a complete BFF vibe with enough sexual compatibility for things to be workable), I have enjoyed so much warmth and support and values alignment and intellectual compatibility and fun and just getting each other so effortlessly. The relationship has a lot more stability than others I've been in as it free of this messed up cultural pressure to be The One, to be everything to me, to be perfect. However, I'm thinking about the two excellent strategies leavethelighton described for co-existing with the phantoms in a healthy way. One of them was accepting the phantoms as a constant presence in life that serves a purpose but is ultimately just fantasy, and staying grounded in the knowledge that it is fantasy. That sounds really wise and healthy to me, but I guess if my phantom is sparkle and I'm poly, the phantom is always going to look like a realistic and desirable prospect to me. So I'm never going to be able to dismiss the sparkle as an impossibility or fantasy, so I will always use the desire for sparkle to put a little emotional buffer between myself and my partner, if that's what's going on. How to deal with it? (Oh my gosh you guys, I should be a sparkle phantom for Hallowe'en. ) (Aaaaannnnnd... this is not even touching on the question of the actual phantom ex, who is back in town and got in touch with me right away when she returned, taking two turns in a row to initiate plans with me, which of course I made note of in my fanatical analytical little AP brain. Gah! I signed up to see a new counsellor next week and will continue to sort through the question of how to handle this friendship with the phantom in a healthy and secure-as-possible way....) It's not that I necessarily believe non-monogamy in itself is a deactivation strategy, but that it can be used as one. Maybe it's similar to other things that are commonly used as deactivation strategies, like work: working in and of itself is not the problem, but it is good to be alert for when one is using it to prevent closeness. For a long time I was secure in the relationship I mentioned, but when my avoidant side got really triggered I ended up using non-monogamy as a deactivation strategy in a few ways. One was worrying that it was unfair to my primary partner and eventually feeling like I should probably end it rather than be what I thought was a bad partner to him, another was starting to have sex only with secondary partners and not my primary partner, and another was latching onto the idea that if I felt more sparkle, fun and excitement with someone new that meant something important was missing from my relationship, just as some examples. None of this was conscious, I didn't know about attachment theory back then. Like with the sex thing, I just became completely uninterested in sex with my primary partner, it got to the point where I was repulsed by the idea. I also used various other things as deactivation strategies. Sparkle phantom, or phantom ex, or a ghost as in someone that "ghosted" and never replied to a text again are all hilarious Halloween costume ideas. Gotta have a sense of humor about tough stuff. I have some more things to say in reply to you but they'll have to wait. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 11, 2018 16:36:35 GMT
Is it common for people of all insecure attachment types to have an ex they compare every potential partner to, or is that mainly an FA thing? And how do you stop? Unlike some people, (so far) I never actually tell partners that my ex is haunting me, unless I want to get rid of them after just one date and feel like it's kinder to say I'm hung up on an ex and was too hasty in starting dating again. I have had three phantoms now, and the most recent one has now pretty much replaced the first two. The first one was someone I didn't even date (long story). The second one sent me into such an avoidant phase that it stopped me from even really going on dates for ages, I think it was nearly 2 years. Nobody I met in that time even came close to him. I started dating again for a while before meeting the man who was to become my current phantom. I can't seem to shake the feeling that I will never meet someone like him again and I compare every man I meet to him. He checked all the boxes of what I was looking for (yes I have a list of what I am looking for), except for one very important one (pursuing me and choosing to be with me long-term). At the same time I feel like I have an attachment to finding the perfect-for-me person, who embodies all the things I loved about my exes AND also pursues and wants to be with me. I doubt such a person exists, but I tell myself I would rather be alone than settle for less. A common thread between the last 2 ghosts, who have affected me the most, is that I didn't date them for very long but actually saw a possible future with them, fell in love with that dream, and then had that dream ripped away from me for reasons I couldn't understand. As the years go by I feel like my standards get higher and higher, which is a good thing in some ways as I'm not choosing clearly unavailable people (married, long-distance, etc) or putting up with things like cheating or abuse, but I wonder if it's also unhealthy in some ways, like now I have this list of things I am looking for and most people don't seem to even check 1/10 of the boxes so I barely give them a chance. Thoughts? I do compare people to my exes, but in the opposite way. I try to steer clear of what didn't work for me and don't want someone like I have dated before. The funny thing is I keep making the same mistakes. I think the danger of the phantom is not seeing the ex for who they were but rather an idealized version which keeps you chasing a fantasy. They are an ex for a reason, right? I feel like high standards are good if they are for the right reasons (unavailable, cheating, abuse), but can be detrimental if they are surface (like must have blond hair). |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 11, 2018 16:44:31 GMT
i don't have a phantom ex, although i could see how idealizing an ex would be an effective barrier to emotional availability that many avoidants might utilize subconsciously to avoid going "all in" with a new partner.
as i have become healthier and more emotionally available i have broken the pattern of choosing horrible partners , i never idealized any of them, it was all painful.
the man i am with is very different with me than those before him. a big part of that is also how i have evolved i. the relationship .
i don't know that i have a typical relationship history so don't know if i differ from other DA in the "phantom ex" regard.
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Post by epicgum on Sept 11, 2018 16:55:48 GMT
I think maryt and juniper you have both had atypical dating lives. When most people think about the qualities of the phantom ex they are not thinking of abuse of hair color, but things like mutual interests, playfulness, sexuality, intellect, passion, humor, physical attractiveness etc. |
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Post by alexandra on Sept 11, 2018 17:00:54 GMT
Hi alexandra, I really admire how solid you are in this knowledge that for you sparkle is... an emotional mirage, more or less?... and that you're better off without it. I feel really sad when I consider that possibility. I wouldn't call it a mirage. But it's kind of like insatiable longing that always leaves me hurt and never satisfied, because it creates this constant fear that the person can leave me and crush me -- which is true, because it's actually my gut picking up on their one foot out the door lack of commitment. So it's about, if I'm this anxious and committed to making the person happy so they'll stay, and I feel so much passion, I must be really into them! But how does that build anything except... feelings? There's no solid ground or committed life together, and feelings are supposed to be a tool for guidance, not always undeniable truth. I started really thinking about and realizing this when I was 26 or 27. I'd met a guy who was thoroughly emotionally unavailable to me, though he MARRIED the next woman he met. However, while we were still seeing each other, we had the best sex I've ever had in my life. Had some stuff in common, but it quickly got toxic and push pull. He said things to me towards the end like, I'd never be faithful to you long term. Which was a complete knife to stick in me because his own main wounding was because his dad cheated on his mom, and he desperately loves his mom! It took me like 8 months to get over this 3 month mess, which only really ended when he met the next woman (which I figured out because he accidentally texted me instead of her) and I mostly went no contact and felt so sick with anxiety I couldn't really eat for a bit. And I was like why was this so crazy for me/us when actually me and my friends I met him through think he's a total a*hole? So I don't know, I guess what I'm saying is maybe unfortunately (?) for me, I'm sure of my sparkles being attachment related more than anything because I've been through several really bad experiences chasing them. However, this doesn't mean trying to start relationships with zero physical chemistry. There still needs to be a baseline attraction, but it gets maintained through emotional attraction once the honeymoon period has worn off. For me, it really helps that my natural AP tendencies are to see the good in the person and never fixate on the bad. And then my earned secure tendencies modify that to not ignore the bad and let me know if I need to leave the situation I can't speak to throwing the gender wrench in through experience, but I think the last paragraph I wrote would still apply? Also, have you taken the short attachment test on the website? It would tell you if you're AP or FA. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 11, 2018 17:01:43 GMT
I think maryt and juniper you have both had atypical dating lives. When most people think about the qualities of the phantom ex they are not thinking of abuse of hair color, but things like mutual interests, playfulness, sexuality, intellect, passion, humor, physical attractiveness etc. i think @mary and i are both on the deeper end of avoidant spectrum, not pathological but very emotionally reclusive , (sorry if i am misspeaking, mary!). I know my deep dismissive state made abuse of me possible because i shut down and was able to remain insulated, and indeed had very little nurturing to go on from my childhood to even have a sense of real connection to a partner. so, i'm sure that other DA with less severe situations had more connection than i have experienced. |
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Post by goldilocks on Sept 11, 2018 20:35:40 GMT
For me the process of breaking up makes the ex less attractive to me. I may even be repulsed. If nothing bad happened we can be friends, but I could never be lovers again.
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Post by andy on Sept 11, 2018 22:59:37 GMT
lilyg, that's neat to know that your friend is in a similar boat as me re: sparkles and AP tendencies with women and working on embracing a stable and secure relationship with a man. Sometimes we can feel like such one-of-a-kind little monsters around stuff like this. It's a comfort to know there's a matching monster out there! No doubt we each have our own path and process, but it's nice to find commonality around an uncommon thing. Feel free to tell your friend that I exist too! happyidiot, outrageous costumes are where it's at, right? Google image search results were disappointing - was picturing rudimentary Charlie Brown ghost costume made of supercolourful sequinned fabric, not sure anyone else has had this brilliant idea? So I will just have to make that shiny ghost suit myself and put it on and stare myself down in the mirror the the next time I take myself, my sparkle quest, and/or my phantom ex too seriously. Will change my profile pic accordingly.
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Post by epicgum on Sept 12, 2018 0:38:50 GMT
lilyg , that's neat to know that your friend is in a similar boat as me re: sparkles and AP tendencies with women and working on embracing a stable and secure relationship with a man. Sometimes we can feel like such one-of-a-kind little monsters around stuff like this. It's a comfort to know there's a matching monster out there! No doubt we each have our own path and process, but it's nice to find commonality around an uncommon thing. Feel free to tell your friend that I exist too! happyidiot , outrageous costumes are where it's at, right? Google image search results were disappointing - was picturing rudimentary Charlie Brown ghost costume made of supercolourful sequinned fabric, not sure anyone else has had this brilliant idea? So I will just have to make that shiny ghost suit myself and put it on and stare myself down in the mirror the the next time I take myself, my sparkle quest, and/or my phantom ex too seriously. Will change my profile pic accordingly. Please do this!!! |
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So it is extra hard for me to leave this sparkle idea behind as it is part of the way I've come to understand my sexual and romantic orientation, and I've found community around that. So it is a deep and important thing to me. When I date men, they usually seem to like me, and I usually act pretty aloof and feel uncertain whether I'm into them or not, even if the physical chemistry is there. So many puzzle pieces, right? It is hard to sort out attachment issues when they are mixed up with lots of other important stuff.
not a very romantic thing to feel.