Angerpattern, boundaries, needs, shamebuttons, healthy anger

How to deal with your own anger pattern:

Aggressive anger pattern:
Main feeling - you start to fell rage inside
Remember IT is your anger, not somebody elses anger
Take a time out and go for a walk and or try to relax in your arms and in your body
Then come back and talk about what is wrong/talk about your feelings. Try to be voulnarble even if you do not like it. Practise kindness. Find out about your triggers and write Them down. Often shame, feeling powerless, ect. You are looking for provokation. Try to get in contact with your underlying shame, sadness, Hurt, fear ect.

Belief: There's something wrong with me. Then they esaily get triggered if other people say that they are wrong or they get the impression that this is what they think.
Unhealthy - your health suffers, you can have problems with colleges, partners ect.

Advise:
1) Admit that you have an aggressive pattern or when you experience aggression in yourself
2) Relate to the consequences of your anger - who gets your aggression and what does your agression do to your life
3) Journal about your daily anger
- aggressive thoughts, what you wanted to do or your aggressive thoughts jebkinnisonforum.com/post/38951/
4) Ask yourself : How else could I interpret what happened
5) Take ownership of your anger. You have a choice. Instead of blaming others, look at your own emotional response. Thoughts create emotions and your emotions create the actions you choose.. Focus on what is happening inside you
6) What are your anger triggers?
- look under your anger
- check your shame buttons
- ask yourself what you are sad about
- does it happen when you get drunk
- you can react strongly  to people who are weak, delicate, sensitive, who whines, cries, who are inkompetent ect. - (your own shadow sides)
- you can ask the people who are close to you when they notise when you are getting angry
7) Write down, journal - use me and not you, express your vulnerability
8) Stop taking everything personally - see others as innocent until proven otherwise, look at others with kind eyes. Treat others as if they got a kind and open heart.
9) Choose your battles wiaely - everything is not a war. Other people are not your enemies. Practies letting other people get the last word.
10) Take a time out and tell that you take a time out if you are with other people - go for a walk, go into another room, get your adrenaline down NOT up
11) Get control of your body - your body needs relaxation - massage, qui gong, gentle yoga, use breathing exercises, meditations, use mindfullness, walking, practice one-man sports (squash, joggin, swimming)
12) Learn your anger signals - how can you tell when you anger is coming (ex: you clench your fists, you clench your teeths ect.) - relax your jaws, relax your arms ect. If you are walkning around. You can provoke your own anger outburts by relaxing. If you are in a tense state, it can buil up you anger. And its not healthy.
13) Be creative, journal, write poetry, dance, sing, make collages, do pottery ect
14) Expecially men/boys can identify with their agressive parent and can therefore become an abuser or a bully themselves, They dont want to be seen as a wictim and find it humiliating.
Recognize your grief, fear, powerlessness ect. Use therapy, do a shadow process ect.

If you have a passive anger pattern:
Main feeling - you feel disappointed, frustrated, sad, depressed
Difficult to act
Do not get treated fairly, because you do not stand up for yourself
Women in particular have learned to hide their anger
Tears are signs of powerlessness and deep frustration

Advice
1) Find the cause of your passivity
2) Think about your basic human rights
3) What is the consequence of denying / suppressing your anger
4) Be aware when you are frustrated, disappointed, hurt, depressed ....
- Journal
5) Listen to the anger. What does your anger tell you
- who are you really angry at
6) Remember anger is not the same as aggression
7) You can fear counter-attacks, fear of rejection, separation anxiaty  - with partner, children, parents and therefore you ignore your anger
The fear of hurting or harming others, Afraid to become like those who offended you, Fear of being laughed at if you show anger
8) Learn to express your anger assertively (write it down as it can be difficult to express your anger in the precent moment)
9) Be aware of the cool girl, premature forgiveness, spiritual bypassing
10) Practice standing up for yourself - Practise saying NO. - Say; I feel, I want to, I do not want to ect.
11) Express your dissatisfaction without whining - be clear and concrete
12) Find positive role models - and think about what they would do in the specific situation. You can put a picture of the person in your home, on your phone. You can picture the person standing by your side supporting you. Imagine what would this person do ? Kamala Harris : "Im speakng" www.youtube.com/watch?v=tXFqTGBty1w
13) Beware of self-medication when you are angry - with food, alcohol, social media, Netflix, coffee, sugar ect. Next time you become self critic, sad, depressed, then ask yourself, if you are angry with anyone / angry about something.

Passive aggressive anger pattern:
Main feeling - frustration
Own your anger and admit that you are angry
You hide your anger - you ignore, procrastinate, you play dumb, you use eyerole, you are late

Advise
1) Admit that you are angry
2) Find the cause of your passive aggressiveness
- you punish in subtle ways. When do you feel like punishing
3) Find your triggers - do you feel controlled, dominated, forgotten, unimportant,
when you get orders, when you are jealous,
4) Stop being angry, stop giving others the silent treatment
5) Stop being sarcastic
6) Let go of your need to frustrate others - it's been your way to say fuck you,  stop being rebellious in childish ways
7) I'm angry with you because, I'm sorry, I do not want to, I do not mind, I stayed in
8) Stop your control issues - when will you punish, when you control or dominate others
9) Express yourself directly
10) Define yourself according to what you want instead of what you do not want
11) You are not allowed to say whatever, fine, I dont care, - - take responsibility for what you want

If you have a projective aggressive anger pattern:
Allow yourself to be angry instead of projecting it onto others. You will attract angry people in your life because you dont own your own anger.

Advise
1) Where do your negative beliefs about anger come from?
2) Write a list of those you have been in relationship with and write their down angerpattern pattern
3) How much judgment do you have on the anger of others, how often do you think others are angry with you, do you let others get angry on your behalf ?
4) Control your anger paranoia - ask yourself what you yourself are angry about. Make a list of all the people you think are angry with you. Ask yourself if it is yourself who is angry at that person.
5) Recognize and accpet your anger. You can put a rubber band on your wrist and pull the rubberband evertime you are getting angry and say the word out loud; I am angry
6) Feel your anger, write a letter of anger
7) Go into therapy
8) Take responsibility where you are passive - even if your husband gets angry at your children then know you also have a responsibility yourself.

If you are hsp:
highlysensitiverefuge.com/ilse-sand-anger-highly-sensitive-people/