Angerpattern, boundaries, needs, shamebuttons, healthy anger

The Wise Response to Accusations (Eat the Shadow):

If you experience accusations when setting boundaries:

Take the criticism on you

Say e.g.
- yes,  I'm selfish,
- yes I may be too sensitive,
- yes, I May be a dramatic

Listen to the words and say, yes, perhaps I am ….

Then It is difficult for the other to come back again with an attack

If the other person keeps asking, tell the person to stop asking

You can repeat what you have already said and then say stop

Make your parrot sentence

Make a sentence you repeat if you encounter resistance from the other person

Say the phrase over and over
It's a phrase you can repeat over and over
Just like a parrot

Eventually, sooner or later ,people will get tired of the same answer

When it's easier to escape than to set a limit

Cutting people out of your life is not setting a boundary

It's an escape route

Before cutting people out of your life:

Ask yourself if you have communicated clearly ?
Have you set a boundarie ?
Have you expressed your need ?

The people in your life deserve to know the truth ?
Before you cut people out of your life, give them a chance to improve themselves.

To gosth people is cowardly and nobody deserves to be gosted 

The biggest mistake many make when they start to "set limits"

The biggest mistake I see people make when they start to "set boundaries" is that they confuse boundaries with preferences.

These are two very different things. And it is extremely important to be aware of. We have different preferences

For some people being punctual is very important, for others it doesn't matter so much.
For some people, sitting together as a family and eating dinner every night is important, for others it doesn't mean so much.
For some people it is important that the house is spotlessly clean, for others it does not matter so much.

There is no right or wrong in these examples, just different preferences. Or values. And we can't blame others (adults) for having different preferences than us. At least not rightfully so. Just because others do things differently than us doesn't necessarily make it wrong. And others have not necessarily "transgressed our boundaries" because they have different preferences than us.

I often see this misunderstanding play out in relationships. What your partner has done may have frustrated, annoyed, disappointed or hurt you, but is it decidedly morally, legally or objectively wrong? Or is it just something other than what you had wanted, expected, hoped for or counted on. Or anything other than what you like. Or prefer. Or think you should.

It's preferences. And you can't put limits on that.
But it is therefore important to me that the kitchen is vacuumed every day.
It is therefore important to me that he calls me every morning.

In these examples, no one has violated your boundaries or violated you. Just because something is important to you doesn't make it a law. (Because what about all that is important to others?) This is not about border crossings, but about a clash of values.

Your needs are not limits either

We have learned – in therapy and personal development – ​​that we must know and express our needs.
What are my needs?
What do I need right now?
It's a really good exercise to do. Knowing your own needs.

Where it goes wrong is when we confuse becoming aware of our own needs with the fact that we also have a right to have our needs met. It does not work this way.
Others are not responsible for meeting your needs. You are responsible for your needs.

But I need you  to…
be  more loving
call me every morning
not dance with others
have sex with me every week

Often we have an unrealistic – and unjustified – expectation that the world will correct itself because we have expressed our "boundaries" (= needs) The message here is: If I don't feel safe or loved enough, change your behavior. If only I have expressed my need first, then it wins.

It does not work. It could very quickly turn into manipulation, social control and emotional blackmail if others have to fulfill all our needs just because we have expressed them. Needs are not limits. Just as preferences are not limits.

But what then, cant I never ask for anything?

Yes. You are allowed to ask for something. But to ask for something is to request. It is not setting a limit.

When we request, we clearly express what we ourselves would like, and ask the other person if that person also wants/feels like it. It is not an order or a demand. But a request.. The other person can say yes. Or no.
And if you're unhappy with the other person's response to your request, you have to consider whether you can live with it, whether you can reach a compromise or whether it's a total dealbreaker for you. If it's a total dealbreaker, you have to consider what you want to do next.

Because you are responsible for meeting your own needs. Others are not responsible for meeting your needs. 

A boundary
is not a NO
to someone else’s existence.

It’s a YES to yours.

To your voice. Your delicate heart. Your truth.
Your path, however uncertain you feel.
Your way. Honouring it. What you need, what you feel. What you don't.
What feels right, and what doesn't.

It's not an attack on the other
(even if it feels that way to them).

You can't control their feelings.
But you can honour your own.
(And you can understand
their disappointment and hurt too).

You can't change their thoughts.
That is certain.
But you can trust and allow your own.

From a place of deep acceptance,
from total alignment with the way things are,
grounded in love,
rooted in the undulating breath,
you find yourself bravely saying…
NO.

And this kind of NO
has the power of life in it,
since it emanates from
a deep YES to existence.
It contains no violence, only truth,
dignity, self-respect, clarity.

You have a right to your NO
and a right to your YES.

True boundaries do not block love,
they protect it,
allow it to flourish, freely, safely…

…in the deeper YES
of unbounded
Presence.

- Jeff Foster

THE POWER OF ANGER

I was speaking with a young man about letting go of his ideas about the future, his images of how his life 'should' be, and being present here and now, embracing himself as he actually was.

He said, "Well Jeff, if there's only this moment, only now, then I'm going to kill myself".

For a moment, he had lost all hope. Suicide seemed like the logical solution.

I stayed present. Listened. Validated his pain. Entered his world. Discovering presence can be a shock to the system, can reorganise the entire psyche, release deeply buried feelings. I understand that. I've been through it.

"I understand. It can be scary to lose all your hope".

"Yes, I'm terrified".

"Where do you feel that terror? Can you feel it in your body?"

"Yes. It's burning... in my chest".

"Great. Stay there for a moment. Feel its power".

Silence.

"I feel like... I want to kill someone. I feel so fucking angry with you now. You've taken away everything..."

I stayed present.

"Yes. Yes. Where do you feel that anger?"

"In my belly, my throat, my chest..."

"What does it feel like?"

"It's like... Fire. Power. Rage. Volcanic. Like... I could destroy an entire universe".

"Yes. You're feeling your own power. It's huge. You don't have to deny it any more, or act on it, just feel it now, let it burn, honour it".

"Wow. It's a lot".

"It's yours. Just allow it. Allow those sensations in your belly, heart, throat. Breathe into them, through them..."

"I want to scream".

"Do it!"

"I.... I.... I FUCKING HATE LIFE!"

"Louder!"

"I HATE LIFE! I HATE EVERYONE! I HATE MY PARENTS! I HATE YOU!"

He looks at me. Our eyes meet. He bursts into tears. He slumps, his body relaxes, he breathes deeply again. His rage was met - for the first time ever- with love, acceptance. Something has been released, something old. Something unloveable has been embraced.

"My God. My God. For the first time in my life, honestly, for the first time, I feel like I'm... alive. I feel like myself".

It's amazing, the power of just staying present. Listening. Doing less. Allowing the other to go through what they have to go through, without trying to fix or save them. Taking away false hope, leaving them with new hope.

Trusting their process. Trusting life.

Trusting the mysteries of love's intelligence.

- Jeff Foster