Why and when is it useful? This is a technique to use when you are clear about what you want to say and you want this to be known. It helps you to avoid getting angry, helps in situations of conflict and when others are not listening to your expressed feelings or opinions. It is also useful when you are asking questions for clarification or when people are trying to take advantage of you. The BROKEN RECORD is a good way to deal with red herrings, attempts to steer you away from the point, guilt tripping and manipulation.
How do you do it? You speak as if you were a record that is broken or cracked and so repeats itself again and again. You need to be persistent, to stick the point and keep saying it; ignoring all the side issues. Use a calm voice. Eventually you are likely to be heard if only because it is uncomfortable to have to listen to a broken record for too long!
How do I use this technique?
Identify your goal and make a clear and specific statement: ” I won’t be able to work late this evening” ” I don’t want another drink, thank you” “This item is damaged and I would like a refund” “The cheese is stale and I would like my money back”
Acknowledge the response of the other person whilst maintaining your statement:
“I understand you are under a great deal of stress, but I won’t be able to work late” “You may want to have another drink, but I don’t , thank you” “I understand you weren’t serving here yesterday but I want a refund as this item is damaged” “It may not be unusual for you to get complaints about this cheese, but it is stale and I would like my money back”
Moving up a gear. Repeat the statement without getting sidetracked:
“That’s really not relevant to the main issue which is that I won’t be able to work late” “No, I don’t want another drink” “But the point is that the item is damaged and I want a refund” “Regardless of others opinions, this cheese is stale and I would like my money back”
Do not let the distractions of the other person confuse you. Do not introduce other information or start making excuses. You may wish to offer some explanation later, but this must come after you have got your point across and when you are sure that the point has been heard and understood.
If an important side issue comes up, you may want to say something like:
“I would be happy to talk about that as soon as we settle this …”. If you do say that you are going to deal with a side issue afterwards, it is important that you do so.
Play with your yes. Close your eyes. Say the word yes. Let it fester in your body. Say yes, yes,. yes. Tune into your body. How does it feel to say yes in your body ?
Now close your eyes and say the word NO. Tune into your body and say NO, NO, NO. You can open your eyes and move around while saying NO. Is there anything your body wants to do ?
What stops you from saying no:
Fear of speaking the truth Fear of social rejection FOMO Politeness Shame and guilt Being alone Fear of conflict Upset others Sence of obligation My no won't be respected Proving worth Fear of being attacked Looking to please others Fear of speaking my truth Judged Hero syndrome
Fear of being called a bitch, being called difficult ect.
What happens instead of saying no/what do you do instead:
Rationalize why I should say yes Get ill
Avoiding/excuses Pretend that I'm okay Criticise - self critic + being passive aggressive
Recent saying yes Outward passitivity, inner frustration Unclear answers Abandon yourself Lie and make up excuses Get defensive and snippy Force myself and feel overwhelmed Burnout Adrenal fatique Make up stories Go on as nothing has happend
Gabor Mate - saying no is vital for your health
People who always says yes, can be confusing to be with. People can't feel you if you always say yes. A relationship can end because of this Also people can't feel and respect you in your workplace, in your family ect if you always say yes.
Being truth to yourself invites other people to being honest as well and your relationships will become more authentic.
Tune into your body if its a yes or a no. What is the felt sence, where is your no situated in your body. Some people feels heavy when its an no or when they have overstepped their own boundaries.
Breene Brown - Daring greatly
If you can't feel your own yes or no give yourself a brake, go for a walk, regulate and get back with an answer.
Trauma therapist Roger Jackson and Togetherness founder Adam Wilder discuss the role of anger, why it can be seen as taboo to express it and how to cultivate a healthy and enriching relationship with it.
It is not abnormal to have different anger patterns in different relationships / situations. Write down 5 -10 of your relationships and note what anger pattern you are typically in if you have a conflict with the following:
Mother Father Child Partner Colleague Boss Friend
Find examples that you use or have used all the anger patterns in different situations / relationships
I react / have reacted aggressively… in relation to / when.. I react / have reacted passively… in relation to / when… I react / have reacted passively-aggressively… in relation to / when… I react / have reacted projectively-aggressively… in relation to / when…
Who carried the anger in your family?
How was the anger expressed?
What was your anger pattern and how was it handled?
What did you learn (consciously or unconsciously) about anger from home? (messages, attitudes, beliefs)
Which of your parents do you most resemble (today) when it comes to expressing anger?
Special memories related to anger in your childhood:
Except in the family, where have you experienced anger expressed in destructive, explosive or dysfunctional ways towards you (eg teachers, bosses, boyfriends)?
Given my background / history, it is understandable that I….
• What are you angry (possibly disappointed / hurt) about? • How long have you been carrying this anger? • Is there a theme in your anger? • What would you consider to be your personal biggest challenge with anger right now? • Why do you want to change your anger pattern. What is not working for you?
I'm too ....
What are the consequences?
• How do you think it would affect your life positively, if you were able to change or adjust your anger pattern?
What will get better, easier or less dramatic?
Who would be happier or benefit from it? What areas of your life would it have some positive effect on?
• Where are you in 5, 10 or 20 years if you do not change anything?
Characteristics: Healthy anger does not embarrass, and does not escalate into aggression and attacks.
Healthy anger does not blame, but neither does it ignore, it holds the other responsible.
Healthy anger may be extreme - but in a responsible way, understood in the sense that there is still a degree of care in anger. We're not trying to destroy or put down the other person. We are open, and not just interested to be right.
Healthy anger is constructive. We are interested in resolving the conflict, not getting stuck in it.
• In healthy anger, we use anger as a signal, not as a weapon.
• Healthy anger always makes room for reflection. Especially self-reflection.
• In the unhealthy anger, we shield ourselves from our vulnerability, and turn up the aggression to hide signs of voulnability or weakness. In healthy anger we dare to show vulnerability.
• In healthy anger, the goal is not to put the other person down, but to cherish our own integrity.
• We are aware of our possible projections, but we are not paralyzed by fear of projecting.
• We understand that we can both be angry at a person and at the same time keep our heart warm.
• In healthy anger we can show contempt for what has been done, but not against the one who has done it.
• We control our sarcasm and contempt, and maintain respect for the person we are talking to.
• We stick to our own half of the fence. Speaking about ourselves using (I…), and avoiding define the other (you are…)
We cannot avoid conflicts. But we can learn to handle conflicts better.
It is a sign of a healthy, solid relationship when we can freely express our anger. There is a high degree of maturity in having confidence, that our partner can handle our anger. Ex: I hate what you're doing or saying right now, but I still love you.
Contract • We take turns speaking (not shouting) • We agree that the other has the right to his or her own views and feelings • We agree to listen with an open heart • We agree not to attack, intimidate or threaten • We agree not to derail the conversation • We agree on zero tolerance for violent behavior
Rules • Be 100% clear on what you are discussing (important) • Stick to one topic at a time • Do not argue if you are drunk • Describe your own feelings and how the problem affects you. I… • Do not tell your partner how he / she is feeling or what he / she is doing think. You … • Focus on the current problem - do not bring up old problems • Take time-outs if necessary • Aim to find an acceptable solution or a compromise that both can live with - but also makes room for "agreeing to disagree" • Do not let a discussion drag on endlessly. Talk about the most important in half an hour. Set a timer. • Seek professional help if you cannot resolve the conflict yourself.
Say Im sorry An apology can work wonders and be more healing, than we think. In addition to the desire to be heard, it is what most people want, when they feel wronged or wounded, an apology. By apologizing, we let the other person know, that we regret, that we have injured the other person. We also at the same time tell, that we respect the person. That their emotions mean something to us. If your apology is sincere and you are sincerely sorry for what you have done, the other persons anger will often disappear immediately. Especially if your action was unintentional.
When we are angry, we want to feel heard. We want the other person (s) to understand, why we are angry. When we feel heard / met, anger usually subsides. But if we do not feel that the other person listen, we often remain angry or become even angrier. Therefore, the most important thing you can do when others are angry, is to listen to them. Listen to why they are angry. Listen. Do not discuss, argue, interrupt, become defensive, defend yourself, explain. Just listen.
How to become a better listener: • Active listening. Stop all other activities and focus all yhour energy on the other person. Make sure to have eye contact to show, that you hear and understand, what is being said. • Assume that the other has good intentions. We often assess the other person as our the enemy. Listen based on the knowledge that the other is not a bad person and that he/she has a reason for his/her anger. • Listen neutrally. That is, to listen with sincere curiosity, as if you are telepathizing “I. respect you. Your thoughts and feelings are important - even if I do not share them". • Put yourself in the other person's position. When people are angry, this is what they want; that we are capable to see things from their perspective. • Listen with an open heart. Even if you do not agree, you can keep your heart warm and open and believe, that you can learn something about yourself or that you can become wiser.
• A letter of anger is something you write for your own sake. • Writing a letter of anger to those, who have offended you, can help you to take back your power. The purpose is not to change the other person or to force him/her to admit, that they treated you wrong. The purpose is to say: this is what happened imo and this is what has been done to me. • Do not send your letter. If you subsequently want to send a letter to someone, who has hurt or offended you, you can use this letter of anger as a draft for a more civilized letter (use the The boundary setting model), but it is important that your anger letter (this) is allowed to be raw, uncensored and straight from the heart, without thinking of the recipient. You write the letter of anger for your own sake. To get it out. To express what you may not have had the words, age or courage to say earlier in your life. • You can begin your letter with: I'm so mad at you for xxxxx (completely uncensored)
You can also approach it this way: - Write a list of the abusive or hurtful things, that has happened / what the person has done. You can write both in general and very specifically (when you…).
You can write down, what you have whised the person had done instead.....
What have you learned from interacting with this person.....?
More about different types of passive anger patterns: The chill girl and spritual bypassing, blind compassion, premature forgiveness ect.
WHAT DOES HAVING A PASSIVE ANGERPATTERN MEANS:
The passive swells the anger, lowers and suppresses. The anger is turned inward, and it can be hard at all to feel any anger and set limits and to say no. It is a evasive pattern, where one implodes instead of exploding.
• Rarely or never visibly angry • Turns anger inward • It is difficult to feel if you are angry • Recognizes easier disappointment, powerlessness, resignation, sorenes,, dissapointment, frustration, sadness • Wait too long to express anger • Cries instead of getting angry • Keeps silent • Avoids conflict and confrontation at all costs • Doubts often on his right to be angry (It's probably just me ...) • Blames herself, rather than getting angry with others
The chill, the cool girl:
The Chill Girl/the chill guy belongs to the passive anger pattern, but she cheats, because she does not immediately seem like she has got a problem with anger. She just seems like a woman who is in balance with herself and is "cool with everything". Open. Flexible. Always with a laid-back attitude. No problem is her motto.
The Chill Girl has to learn to find a healthy balance between being open and flexible and true to herself. And communicate honestly and genuinely without pleasing - and without shame or fear of not being choosen. You do not become a bitch, because you express your own needs. This can easily be done with kindness. And without becoming a cold bitch.
Spritual bypassing is part of the passive anger pattern. This means that one uses spirituality, as an evasive maneuver to avoid feeling unpleasant emotions such as anger. Its like putting ice cream on the poop (Debbie Ford).
Characteristics and danger signals you need to be aware of:
- Excessive focus on being positive - Excessive eagerness to "find the gift" in everything - Angerphobia - Blind compassion - Premature forgiveness - www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZNHnIUWZJs - Reluctance to complain
Do you always believe in the best in people? Do you always strive to be understanding and inclusive? Do you think anger is a negative emotion? Do you always try to think positively? Are you good at forgiving? At first glance, all this sounds very sympathetic.
To be confident, positive, inclusive, understanding. But one can also become too confident, too positive, too inclusive and too understanding. And if you have a tendency to do so, you should be familiar with the concept called spiritual bypassing.
What is spiritual bypassing? The term 'spiritual bypassing' was developed in the 1980s by the American psychologist and author John Welwood - and means using spirituality (or spiritual virtues such as inclusiveness and forgiveness) as evasive maneuvers ... to avoid dealing with "negative" emotions.
Instead of looking at and relating to what hurts, is difficult or is not ok, one uses spiritual beliefs such as "everything is good" and "there is a meaning to everything" or spiritual practices such as meditation, affirmations, yoga etc. to distance oneself from or transcend reality.
This does not mean that meditation, affirmations or yoga are bad. Far from. It just means that if we use meditation, affirmations, yoga and positive mantras to avoid relating to what is difficult or hurting, then it is inappropriate.
Spiritual bypassing is putting on (pink) spiritual blinders, putting a thick layer of Vaseline on the glasses while we say inside our own head: "lalalalalala" - to avoid facing reality. That is the ugly reality
Spiritual bypassing is a defense mechanism and an almost infantile longing to transcend everything unpleasant in life. But .... Spiritual bypassing distances us not only from our pain and dissatisfaction, but also from our authenticity. The excessive spaciousness, infinite understanding and total acceptance can become too much and make us both frustrated and unhappy.
It can also seem artificial and impersonal. As if you are not a real human being, but rather a wandering positive human being who says: ("Smiiie and the world smiles back at you!")
⭐️ Do you know the tendency to use spirituality as an evasive maneuver? ⭐️ Are you perhaps too positive?
It is understandable and human, but often we will get much more out of addressing the pain we are trying to deny, underplay, or distance ourselves from.
Psychologist Robert Augustus Masters has written a book about spiritual bypassing. A must-read for anyone who deals with spirituality.
When you use spiritual bypassing you have
Excessive focus on being positive Excessive eagerness to "find the gift" in everything Blind compassion Premature forgiveness
Anger has a bad reputation in some spiritual circles. And that's a shame.
It is hard to get to know our anger better if we have already decided that anger is ugly, wrong, and unspiritual. Or that it is something we must rise above, transcend or "should" not feel.
Anger is a natural, healthy feeling. We all have it, and we should be happy about that - because anger is a signal that tells us that something needs our attention. Feeling angry is never an issue in itself. Itś what we do with anger, which can be a problem. This is a problem, for example, when our anger turns into aggression. But it is also a problem when we suppress and deny our healthy and justified anger - or see anger as a sign that we have not succeeded spiritually. Because then we will probably feel ashamed when we get angry.
Anger is not a sign that you are not (self) developed enough. It is a sign that you are a human being. And that there is probably something you need to look at or address.
• Try to look at which "negative" shadows you avoid dealing with, when using spiritual bypassing. What do you avoid seeing yourself as? (eg angry, critical, cold, harsh, negative, judgmental ...
The question is do you feel FREE to address what makes you angry, upset or disappointed? Or whether you put Vaseline on the lens and smile understandingly, even if you are furious or hurt or frustrated
• Let go of the idea, that you can make them understand • Know that they are never interested in solutions, but in the drama • Turn down your energy. Become a Gray Rock - completely uninteresting and neutral. • Grow up your own uhealed parts ex in therapy • Do not focus on everything you can not do because of the narcissist. Create your own life in spite of the narcissist. It does not get better. • If you cannot skip the contact to the person completely, keep it at a minimum.
• Be calm yourself. Mute the voice. • Do not participate in the drama. Stay neutral • Say that you would like to hear what the person has to say, but later • Set clear boundaries [use the boundary setting guide] • Do not threaten to do something, that you can not live up to. • Do not go into dialogue. Walk away or hang up. Leave. • Do not text or communicate. Take a timeout eg a day, and get back when the drama has subsided.
Dealing with passive-aggressive:
• "It hurts me when…" or "I get upset when you…" criticize my clothes / how I raise my child / my way of cooking etc. • Do not get upset, emotional or sarcastic • Be honest, neutral and vulnerable • Repeat when the passive-aggressive minimizes the attack (oh, dont be so sensitive): I'm telling you that it hurts me, when you xxx, so if you continue, I assume, that it's your intention to hurt me • Agree; It may be me [eg overreacting] but I am tellng you, that I feel hurt and sad… • You can also ask: "What do you mean, when you say that?" But do it in an open open and friendly way, not accusing. It forces the passive-aggressive to take ownership.
Dealing with passives
• Show empathy with where they are coming from • Help them put into words, what they often cannot even say themselves (even notice) when they withdraw or they become silent: “You seem angry / sad / disappointed. Is there something wrong" • Avoid getting annoyed, be patient (as with a child who becomes quiet and pulls) away)
Dealing with projective-aggressive:
• Hold on to the fact that you are not angry. Repeat (in a neutral way) • Do not ask why they think you are angry.
How to deal with people with aggressive anger: Stay calm Tell the person that you want to talk but later Do not text or call but leave Use kind eyes, soft tone of voice ect Wait to talk about consequences when the other have cooled down
A person with passive anger: Stay kind and be querious Soft tone of voice[br Tell the person that he/she seems sad, angry ect. And ask if there is something wrong ? Do not get upset and do not be inpatient Help the person to put Words because their Words gets stuck in their throath Tell the person that you are there to listen
How to deal with a passive aggressive person Ask "why do you say this/ what do you mean ?" "I feel hurt when you say ....( and i want you to stop") "I have told you that I feel hurt when you say this, and if you keep on Doing IT, I assume that IT is your intention to Hurt me!"
How to deal with a projektive aggressive person: Tell that you are not angry when they Ask and then talk about something else Do NOT ask why they think that you are angry Stay netrual. Do not get angry. The other wants you to be angry. Use broken record method.
Remember you cant use normal bounderie setting with narcissists.
Narcissism is a personality disorder, that is characterized by feeling that they are something quite special, and for that reason deserves to be treated better than other people. A narcissist will typically get angry (often furious) if other people criticizes or stands in the way of his / her plans.
Characteristics: Narcissists… • wants to be in the center and has extreme difficulty putting themselves in the place of others • is extremely sensitive • gets either offended, cold or furious if you do not comply his / her needs • is extremely self-centered - it's always about him / her • have very little empathy - when you are in crisis or unhappy (when you are getting fired, getting sick, get a depression,9get covid19, you loose your parents - then the narcissist's first reaction is how it will this affect him / herself • can keep on arguing until he / she gets the last word or he / she stops and blocks a discussion, and completely refuses to talk about the problem • he has no self-irony and is unable to laugh at himself • always blames everyone else but himself, when something goes wrong • refuses to be held responsible for his bad behavior • makes you feel inadequate • only behave lovingly towards you, when there are others around to see it • never asks about your day or your emotions