Angerpattern, boundaries, needs, shamebuttons, healthy anger

Anger that covers shame/shame as an anger-trigger:

Does your anger cover shame? As human beings we can push each others shame buttons without knowing.

If you have a quick temper, if you shout, if you slam doors, your problem may not actually be your anger. The real emotion that may be hurting you, is what's lurking behind your anger: shame. For many of us, anger is a cover of shame.

For many of us, we carry around secret feelings of shame for years and years. Something we did in our past — or something that was done to us — haunts us. Shame can be a major anger trigger because when we harbor shame, we tend to react defensively, when we're criticized or given even mild feedback. We may then use anger to divert attention away from our painful, hidden feelings the way a magician uses misdirection when performing a card trick.

If you dont deal with your shadow, then your shadow will deal with you (Debbie Ford)

If you are having difficulty with the word shame, then you can ask yourself what you fear. What are you affraid being seen as ?

How can people regonise when they are feeling shame/are getting triggered:

The cactus
The turtle
The scorpion

The passive: You implode. You want to withdraw, you become a turtle, you become quiet. You can go into freeze  and maybe collapse.What feeling do you feel the moment before this happens ?

The agressive: You explode, you shout, you become a cactus, you pour your anger onto other people. What feeling do you feel the moment before this happens ?

The passive agressive : You become a scorpion, when someone touches your shame buttom, you use sarcasm, you get revenge fantasies, you act cold - all this instead of becoming vulnerable

What emotions can trigger aggression / anger in you:

To be ignored
To feel criticized
To be called histarical
To feel stupid,
- rejected,
- indifferent, 
- not important,
- hung out,
- ugly
- not respected
ect.

What words / insinuations can trigger aggression in you:

Words you've been teased with
Names you've been called
Things you've been accused of being
Things you've been criticized for being
Things you've felt like (old wounds / trauma)
Sides of you,  you feel deeply shame / disgusted about (shadow sides)

www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/mindful-anger/201607/is-your-anger-cover-shame


More about shame:

Violations and failures - which have you experienced either as a child or later in a couple relationship or in other relationships, at work ect:

• Verbal insults: a lot of criticism / scolding
• “Inquire”
• Being shamed
• Humiliation
• You been told to: shut up / shh! / be quiet
• Threats / punishment
• Physical violence
• A look full of disappointment /  or disgust
• Inappropriate teasing,
• Emotional coldness, being ignored
• Violent mood swings, erratic behavior, conflicting messages
• Exaggerated or unrealistic demands
• Overcontrolling behavior
• Overprotective behavior
• Enmeshment / emotional incest (entanglement. Too intimate with mother or father)
• Failure / rejection
• To be invisible / not to be seen
. Lack of warmth, support, comfort, encouragement, declarations of love, physical touch

What did you make this mean about you?
Spend 10 minutes uncovering theese beliefs you (unconsciously) created on the basis of each type of violation / failure. For example:

Enmeshment: I must always be there for others
Unrealistic demands: I can not do anything good enough
Constant criticism: I'm wrong
"Shut up!": it is dangerous to say your opinion

Answer:
My story taken into account, it is understandable that…

What do you feel like saying to yourself as a child now?
Write down at least two sentences.

Rewrite your old, negative beliefs into mantras / positive messages you can remind yourself of every day:
Ex:
I am allowed to say my opinion.
It is not selfish to take care of myself.
My needs are also important.

Write the sentences on post-it notes and put them around your home, where you can see them every day

www.gottman.com/blog/the-anger-iceberg/

The Anger Scale: 1-10 :

Find out where you are on the angerscale in different situations.
Not everything must have the same reaction.

1-3: Observable 
4-7: Affected,
7-10: In the red zone!!!

Ask yourself:
How do I react and is my anger proportional to what´s going on ?

From 6 and up, if you boil inside, if you are owerwhelmed by emotions, it is a sign for you to investigate the following 5 steps...:

Is it:

1) Reactivation of old wounds - accumulated - a pattern that repeats itself. Regression - ex. of being 4 years old.

2) Projection? Because we see a side in another person that we do not even have access to ourselfes.

3) The transfer  of characteristics to my girlfriend / boss which belongs to my dad? An old wound. Remember it must be repaired where it occurred.

4) Covering a different feeling? Are we afraid, sad, hurt, ashamed of anything.

5) Notice if it is because you have to set a healthy limit/boundarie.

Your anger can be about one or more tings of the above, at the same time!!!

may be another person, who turns on our anger, but the anger can be about something else..

E.g.

- You give more, than you can give and more than you have the energy for.
- You´ve gone too much on compromise with your values.
- The things you do not take care of within yourself.

Or
You are simply just:

- stressed out
- hangry (Hungry)
- Tired
- Too hot or Cold
- Thirsty
- Got PMS (pick a fight week)
- going through menopause - www.drnorthrup.com/why-anger-is-common-during-menopause/

How to deal with passive agressive people:

1. Don't take the bait.
There’s a fine line between responding to someone who’s being passive-aggressive and engaging in the drama they’re creating. You want to respond without doing the emotional work for them, Braslow says. That means avoiding asking questions like: “Why did you say that?” or “What did you really mean?”

Example: If a friend says “thank you” but doesn’t sound pleased, answer the content, not the context of the situation. Simply saying “you’re welcome!” meets the person where they’re at, but doesn’t take their bait, which is a great way to disarm them.

2. Stay present.
If you’re calling someone out on their behavior, chances are this isn’t the first time they’ve acted this way. But that doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to bring out the laundry list of past offenses or make sweeping generalizations, says Scott Wetzler, Ph.D., a professor of psychiatry at Montefiore Medical Center and Albert Einstein College of Medicine as well as the author of Living With the Passive-Aggressive Man. Instead, focus on what just happened.

Focus on that specific moment and tell her how her words make you feel.
Example: Your mom says, “That dress does a great job of hiding your weight gain.” Don’t respond with a generalized statement about how she always criticizes the way you look (even if you feel that way). Rather, focus on that specific moment and tell her how her words make you feel.

3. Be assertive when talking.
The passive-aggressive person is being avoidant, so this is no time to beat around the bush. Instead, address the issue head-on: Focusing on how you feel, use “I” statements, which bring understanding and empathy, rather than “you” statements, which can feel accusatory, Brandt says.

Example: You’re at a family dinner and notice a relative adding spices to a dish you made (it's not the first time they've messed with your recipes). Approach them and say, “I noticed you adding in spices. I feel disrespected when you do something like that without telling me. It’s fine if you want to tweak your own dish, but I don’t want to change the whole recipe.”

4. Make sure the punishment fits the crime.
One way to get passive-aggressive people to change their behavior is to have clear consequences for their actions. But those punishments can quickly go overboard (e.g., screaming "I'm never ever talking to you again!" in the heat of the moment). Evaluate how their behavior has affected you, and then determine the best response, Wetzler says. (Should you tell your friend you need some time apart? Or is it time to end the friendship altogether?)

Example: This is the third time your friend has been late to the movies without giving you a heads up. Next time it happens, be direct and tell them it bothers you when they leave you hanging. If they continue to do it, let them know you'll invite another friend instead.

5. Understand your audience.
No matter how hard you try, some people won't be responsive when you talk to them, says Stacy Kaiser, a therapist and editor-at-large of Live Happy. “Many people who are passive-aggressive aren’t going to change because you’re bothered by it,” she says. If you're deciding whether to bring up a person's behavior, it can be helpful to do a quick cost-benefit analysis to figure out if it's worth making an effort to get them to change their ways. (In other words, talking to your spouse is a lot less risky than talking to your boss.)

Example: Say it's your boss who's giving you the silent treatment after another leader at the company compliments your work. Ask yourself: Is talking to your boss worth your time and energy? Will it lead to change? And perhaps most importantly, will it lead to consequences, like being passed over for promotions or losing your job? (In the meantime, try these six strategies to spread more positive vibes at work.)

greatist.com/grow/respond-to-passive-aggressive-behavior

hbr.org/2016/01/how-to-deal-with-a-passive-aggressive-colleague

Needs:

Vulnerability out of the shadows

• Consider what other strategies (other than communicating directly) you have used to get your needs met. Do you tend to
- charm,
- manipulate,
- sulk,
- picture yourself that you do not need anything / anyone.

• Reflect on which relationships / situations you hold back / do not express - directly and honestly - your needs:

- Partner / on dates
- Managers / colleagues / working relationships
- Authorities
- Friends
- Family

Write a list.
• Choose one example and try using the step-by-step guide
• Practice in general to be aware of feeling your feelings / needs / desires 

What is it I would like?
What do I need right now?
What do I fancy?
What would I wish xxx could mind read and do without I needed to ask for it right now?

Practice this expressing your needs. Honest and vulnerable.
Ask for something you have not asked about before.
Or express a need, desire or longing - directly.
Consider also what sweet words and declarations of love you hold back (by fear of being rejected or laughed at). Be brave and say it out loud

How to ask:'

When
You feel angry, dissapointed, sad, frustrated, blocked, locked
You havent received what you would have wanted
You havent communicated your need clear enough
You have hoped that the other person could have guessed your need

When you manipulate (talking about the kids or the dogs need when it is your need), when you charm, when you sulk, when you withdraw, when you please

Ask yourself what is my honest wish ?
What is it that i am not getting, what is it that you havent asked directly about, what would you like/ suggest ?

What is it that you should risk (beeing seen as) (your shadow/shame) ?
What is your history with that word ?

What is the gift with that word ?

You can say: I really feel needy/difficult ect when I have to……

Ask in an honest way for what you wish

I would like to
I will/ I want
Will you

What do you think about that ? Do you want to ... ?

Be precise and clear !

Very good, Anne!

I've felt both ways in my life, and sometimes is a thing I struggle with my partner. It's difficult to understand if it's a real concern, if it's a projection or who's projecting. A tip is: if it feels like it got out of control in a way that it shouldn't there's some projecting going on.


Projection in Relationships: What to do about it

The thing to remember is: Everybody does it. It’s human and serves as a defense against threats.

So the first thing to do is accept this fact. Don’t beat yourself up about it (or your partner), and most importantly expect that it will crop up now and again.

As long as you are aware that neither you nor your partner is immune to it, you can use it projection as an opportunity for self-awareness, emotional connection, and growth.

When looking at strategies for coping, there are two situations to consider: One is that you are the one projecting, and the other is that your partner is projecting onto you. Let’s look at each separately.

When you are projecting:

If you try to blame your partner for what you are feeling, thinking, saying or doing, then you are likely projecting your issues onto them. One defining characteristic of projection is the level of intensity and degree of focus you feel. You will have a very strong urge to blame.

The best antidote to projection is setting these three intentions:

1) Look Within. Every time you are triggered by your partner, take a moment to look at the part of you that is just like them. Are you annoyed because your partner is lazy? Maybe your whole being would rather lie on the couch and do nothing, and you hate this about yourself. If you are honest, you will usually see some part you play. When you do, the intensity of judgment will fade.

2) When you get triggered, stay with the feelings. Avoid acting or speaking out while still triggered UNLESS you are able to merely share your own reactions, without identifying with the judgments. Not acting out will cause discomfort. A good rule to remember is that the more intense your urge is to change or blame your partner, the more pain you have around an emotional wound you have denied. So stay present with your emotions, and avoid judging thoughts.

3) Be aware of stress. The higher our stress level, the fewer emotional resources we have. During times of stress we are more likely to project. So stay aware of when you are under stress, and take extra care to be mindful as well as proactively reduce your stress. This will set yourself up for success in your relationship.

When your partner is projecting:

When your partner is projecting, it can feel crazy-making. You may be accused of the very things you know are true about your partner. It feels like a complete reversal of the truth, and you may be shocked. You may feel tempted to defend yourself and prove your innocence.

The best thing to do in this situation boils down to just two things:

1) Respectfully disengage. Often, the best thing is to say something like, “This feels like it is not about me,” and then lovingly avoid getting sucked in. Be compassionate toward yourself, because it feels like a betrayal to be attacked about something that isn’t based in real-time.

2) Do not explain, defend, argue, teach, analyze, counter-attack, or criticize. If you do, your partner is off the hook. The only way to avoid getting tangled up in something that is’nt about you (and become implicated) is to keep it about them. You can express empathy for their distress, and ask questions that create greater awareness (“have you felt this way in the past?” or “I can see something is really triggered in you, and I am here for you.”) But don’t pick up what isn’t yours.

If you follow these guidelines, projection can be used to expand self-awareness and closeness in any relationship. It’s just about a willingness to self-reflect.

Passive- agressive anger:

The hidden anger.
And the anger that sucks life out of relationships.
It is the one who makes men say yes to things they do not really want to do (and then sabotage with slowness or "forgetfulness")
It is the one that makes women say "fine" and "whatever" when it really is not fine with them.
It can also be the other way around

The point is, we do not say DIRECTLY what is wrong - or what we want or do not want.

As a woman, do you know this?
You withdraw.
Get cold.
Or quiet.
Says "fine" (even if it is not)

As a man, do you know this?
You shut yourself off
Goes out in the garage
Go on a bikeride
Disappears
With draw
Arriving home late
Hiding behind a newspaper
Uses sounds like (mmm) rather than communicating
Sulks or rolls eyes instead of communicating

People with passive-aggressive anger patterns are not outreaching like the aggressive, but they avoid conflict and are passive. They are angry and they are interested in punishing and in conflict, but they prefer to make it hidden.
• Anger through the back door - disguised, indirectly
• Does not become visibly angry, but sabotages and punishes instead in the hidden - eg by:
- being late/
- "forget" things (appointments / deadlines / to reply back to messages, etc.)
- refuse to cooperate (say yes to do something, but do not do it)
. deny their involvement if confronted
- play innocent or stupid ("God, I have not thought about it!")/
- jam,
- expose
• Punishes with coolness, ignorance and silence
• Tends to confuse, irritate and provoke others (consciously but without admitting it)
• "Then you can learn it!"
. The angry smile
. Procastination
. Constanly late
• scums instead of saying that you are angry
• Sarcasm, suppositories and "out of the side" attacks (often masked as humor or "ha-ha-it-is-jo-just-for-fun" laughter)
. Uses a Lot of smileys after a statement 😉🙂😉

. www.youtube.com/watch?v=vbWOh5xjgg8 - In this lesson I talk you through examples of passive-aggressive communication, which happens when a person is angry but their anger is not directly expressed.
- narc stephmom fleabag www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ug-_K-MFvNg&t=7s
. Eyeroll www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5WPVLljm1A

The passive-aggressive would rather be perceived as distracted than as unsympathetic.
We all know about passive-aggression in ourselves - in certain relationships or situations, to varying degrees.

Some have got - in general - a passive-aggressive pattern. Others only notice passive-aggression sporadically, but none of us can probably say we are free from having punished with silence, put someone on ice, or sabotaged by being deliberately uncooperative, slow, or "forgetful."

We are human. And, as you know, people often do inappropriate things.
Often because we do not think we have other options.

Passive aggression is a strategy men and women use when they feel powerless or when they fear that it will lead to something bad to say no, or ask directly for what they need.
It may seem like a deliberately malicious strategy, but in many cases our passive-aggressive actions are an expression of a deep, deeply frustrated, forbidden and repressed “aaarrrggghhh!” We have not allowed ourselves to fully express.

medium.com/s/story/rage-becomes-her-why-women-dont-get-to-be-angry-b2496e9d679d


Why do we so rarely learn how to be angry?

Like most of us, I learned about anger in a vacuum of information by watching the people around me: what they did with their anger, how they responded to other people when they were mad. I don’t remember my parents or other adults ever talking to me about anger directly. Sadness, yes. Envy, anxiety, guilt, check, check, check. But not anger. It turns out that, for girls, this is par for the course. While parents talk to girls about emotions more than they do to boys, anger is excluded. Reflect with me for a moment: How did you first learn to think about emotions, and anger in particular? Can you remember having any conversations with authority figures or role models about how to think about your anger or what to do with it? If you are a woman, chances are the answer is no.

As girls, we are not taught to acknowledge or manage our anger so much as to fear, ignore, hide, and transform it.
As far as my own early understanding of anger, the plate-throwing incident said it all. My mother may have been livid, but she gave every appearance of being cheerful and happy. By staying silent and choosing this particular outlet for her feelings, she communicated a trove of information: for example, that anger was experienced in isolation and was not worth sharing verbally with others. That furious feelings are best kept to oneself. That when they do inevitably come out, the results can be scary, shocking, and destructive.
My mother was acting in a way that remains typical for many women: She was getting her anger “out,” but in a way that explicitly separated it from her relationships. Most women report feeling the angriest in private and interpersonal settings. They also prioritize their relationships — at home, work, and even in political contexts — in determining, consciously or not, if and how to express negative emotions.

While we experience anger internally, it is mediated culturally and externally by other people’s expectations and social prohibitions. Roles and responsibilities, power and privilege, are the framers of our anger. Relationships, culture, social status, exposure to discrimination, poverty, and access to power all factor into how we think about, experience, and utilize anger. Different countries, regions — even neighboring communities in the same state — have been shown to have anger profiles, exhibiting different patterns of behavior and social dynamics. So, for example, in some cultures anger is a way to vent frustration, but in others it is more for exerting authority. In the United States, anger in white men is often portrayed as justifiable and patriotic, but in black men as criminality, and in black women as threat. In the Western world, anger in women has been widely associated with “madness.”

Of course, everyone feels anger. Studies show that differences between men’s and women’s experiences of feeling angry are virtually nonexistent. But while women and men feel anger similarly, there are stark differences in how we respond to those feelings and how they are received by the people around us. At home, children still learn quickly that for boys and men, anger reinforces traditional gender expectations, but that for girls and women, anger confounds them. It’s as children that most of us learn to regard anger as unfeminine, unattractive, and selfish. Many of us are taught that our anger will be an imposition on others, making us irksome and unlikeable. That it will alienate our loved ones or put off people we want to attract. That it will twist our faces, make us ugly. This is true even for those of us who have to use anger to defend ourselves in charged and dangerous situations. As girls, we are not taught to acknowledge or manage our anger so much as fear, ignore, hide, and transform it.

There is not a woman alive who does not understand that women’s anger is openly reviled. We don’t need books, studies, theories, or specialists to tell us this. Over the past several years, I’ve spoken to thousands of girls and women at schools, conferences, and corporations. Without fail, afterward they come up to me to say the same two things: They want to know how to stand up for themselves “without sounding angry or bitter,” and they want to share stories about how, when they do express anger about issues specifically relevant to their lives as women, people respond with doubt and often aggression.

Women experience discrimination differently, but we share the experience — in anger or when simply speaking assertively — of being told we are “crazy,” “irrational,” even “demonic.” If we are worried and, as studies show, compelled to repackage, ignore, divert, or trivialize our anger, it is because we well understand the costs of displaying it. Our society is infinitely creative in finding ways to dismiss and pathologize women’s rage. I have always understood that being seen as an “angry woman” — sometimes simply for sharing my thoughts out loud — would cast me as overemotional, irrational, “passionate,” maybe hysterical, and certainly a “not objective” and fuzzy thinker.

When a woman shows anger in institutional, political, and professional settings, she automatically violates gender norms. She is met with aversion, perceived as more hostile, irritable, less competent, and unlikable — the kiss of death for a class of people expected to maintain social connections. The same people who might opt to work for an angry-sounding, aggressive man are likely to be less tolerant of the same behavior if the boss were a woman. When a man becomes angry in an argument or debate, people are more likely to abandon their own positions and defer to his. But when a woman acts the same way, she’s likely to elicit the opposite response. For some of us, considered angry by nature and default, the risks of asserting ourselves, defending ourselves, or speaking out in support of issues that are important to us can be significant. Black girls and women, for example, routinely silenced by “angry black woman” stereotypes, have to contend with abiding dangers of institutionalized violence that might result from their expressing justifiable rage. It makes sense that men, as studies find, consider anger to be power enhancing in a way that women don’t. For men, anger is far more likely to be power enhancing.

Ask yourself why a society would deny girls and women, from cradle to grave, the right to feel, express, and leverage anger and to be respected when we do? Anger has a bad rap, but it is actually one of the most hopeful and forward thinking of all our emotions. It begets transformation, manifesting our passion and keeping us invested in the world. It is a rational and emotional response to trespass, violation, and moral disorder. It bridges the divide between what is and what ought to be, between a difficult past and an improved possibility. Anger warns us viscerally of violation, threat, and insult. By effectively severing anger from “good womanhood,” we choose to sever girls and women from the emotion that best protects us against danger and injustice.
It took me too long to realize that the people most inclined to say “You sound angry” are the same people who uniformly don’t care to ask “Why?”
Like many women, I am still constantly being reminded that it’s “better” if women didn’t “seem so angry.” What does “better” mean, exactly? And why does it fall so disproportionately on the shoulders of women to be “better” by putting aside anger in order to “understand” and to forgive and forget? Does it make us “good” people? Is it healthy? Does it enable us to protect our interests, bring change to struggling communities, or upend failing systems?

An unqualified no.
Mainly, it props up a profoundly corrupt status quo.
That anger metaphors are filled with kitchen imagery — anger simmers and smolders before reaching a boiling point; a person has to “mull things over” and “cool off”; we are supposed to “contain” or “put a lid” on our anger, or it will leave a bad “taste in the mouth” — strikes me as more than an interesting coincidence. As women, we often have to bite our tongues, eat our words, and swallow our pride. It’s almost, as one of my daughters put it, as if we are supposed to keep our anger in the kitchen. Where we might, for example, throw plates.
I don’t throw plates, but I do throw words. It took me years to acknowledge my own anger, and when I did, I didn’t know what do with it. I had the distinct sensation of being alien to myself — which was ironic, since the real inauthenticity was in my denying anger, not my recognizing it. Now I write and write and write. I write my rage onto paper and into bits and bytes. I write anger out of my head and my body and put it out in the world, where, frankly, it belongs. This can cause deep discomfort in the people around me, and at times it has brought personal or professional costs. But it also leads to richer and more productive experiences, relationships, and life outcomes. It took me too long to realize that the people most inclined to say “You sound angry” are the same people who uniformly don’t care to ask “Why?” They’re interested in silence, not dialogue. This response to women expressing anger happens on larger and larger scales: in schools, places of worship, the workplace, and politics.

A society that does not respect women’s anger is one that does not respect women, not as human beings, thinkers, knowers, active participants, or citizens. Women around the world are clearly angry and acting on that emotion. That means, inevitably, that a backlash is in full swing, most typically among “moderates” who are fond of disparaging angry women as dangerous and unhinged. It is easier to criticize the angry women than to ask the questions “What is making you so angry?” and “What can we do about it?” — the answers to which have disruptive and revolutionary implications.

There is real urgency behind these questions. We are living in what feels like an age of pronounced rage and near-constant outrage. There is a lot to be angry about, and everywhere you turn, people seem furious, indignant, and impatient. Every time I see a bold, outspoken, and unapologetically angry woman, I applaud her because of what her expression represents culturally. Despite the fact that many women are freer to take their considerable fury-fueled energy into homes, streets, schools, the workplace, and voting booths, anger is still poorly understood and, in women, often harshly penalized.

The truth is that anger isn’t what gets in our way — it is our way. All we have to do is own it.