Anger is not wrong, bad, unhealthy or 'unspiritual', no matter what the gurus and teachers say.
It's this very idea that causes us to repress and suppress anger, in order to uphold an image of ourseves as 'nice' or 'good', or 'calm', or 'very spiritual'.
The inner child in us knows: these images are all lies.
We are wild inside, and always have been.
Repressed irritation quickly turns to annoyance. Annoyance turns to frustration. Frustration turns to anger. Repressed, unfelt anger quickly turns to rage and boils inside of us, looking for a victim.
The held-back wildness robs us of aliveness.
Rage is what hurts and attacks others. Rage is what explodes, shames, blames, abuses. And causes disease within our own bodies.
Conscious, connected anger is not violent at all. Anger that we feel, and own, and breathe into, and soothe with loving attention deep inside of us, is safe. It is a misunderstood energy in the body longing for love. It is a powerful call for self-empathy and slowness.
It is a part of us that feels unseen, unloved, unheard. A part crying out for attention, soothing, safety, presence. A part that wants to be cared for. A young, tender, innocent, frightened part of Psyche that has come to you for integration, for an alchemical marriage with Eros.
Anger is the great protector. The courageous roar of a lion scaring off predators, protecting his precious young ones.
It is the voice that says, "I matter! I am sacred!".
Let's get over this idea that anger is 'unspiritual'. Anger is full of spirit, full of intelligence, full of life!
The more we feel it, the less it controls us. The more we soothe it, the less it hurts.
The more we bow to it, the less it frightens us.
- Jeff Foster
That's what I'm talkin' about.
Allowing anger and recognizing its gifts has been a game changer for me.
Are you being the cool Girl in bed / when making love ?
The Cool Girl in bed is interested in her partner having a good time and enjoying sex. It is often sex on his terms. Often she does not know her own sexuality and during sex she is more concerned with how he feels than enjoying herself.
The Cool Girl In bed thinks (because she often doesn't say it out loud):
We don't need to spend time on me because it takes too long It's also a shame for him that he has to work so hard to make me come. It doesn't matter, that it hurts a little at first, it will soon pass We can skip the foreplay, we don't need to spend time on that We'll just do it your way because I don't know what I want anyway.
Sex like this will never be good for either party, it's a misguided consideration. Because The Cool Girl in bed does not enjoy sex and is not present in lovemaking. She has left her body.
The Cool Girl in bed must get to know her body and her desire, be able to ask for what she longs for, she must dare to take up space - because her pleasure is also important.
It can take a long time to get an orgasm. You can enjoy oral sex, even if you don't get an orgasm from it. It's okay to ask for more kisses and caresses. It's ok to say you're not ready for penetration yet. It is ok to ask for slow penetration so that you can be part of the process yourself
At first it may feel like you are demanding or selfish. But in reality, you take responsibility for yourself and your own sexuality. And you can ask for something sexual without being demanding or selfish.
Remember. That most men want a woman who is with them and enjoys lovemaking.
Do you have a Cool Girl inside you that shows up out in bed?
Then ask yourself:
What do you long for sexually? Where do you compromise with your sexuality? Where do you let yourself down ? What are you not asking for? Where do you stop yourself because you feel you are demanding or taking too long?
- the type who doesn't show their anger and turns it inward.
- you can keep your anger inside to a certain extent, but at some point it becomes too much and it can lead to a feeling of powerlessness.
- This feeling of powerlessness can be expressed as a need for control
- Control and perfectionism
- it can be expressed in an enormous need to be skilled, good and responsible - to do well at school, to get good grades and always show a perfect facade on the outside. - Later, the need for control can spread to food, body and exercise
🚩 Frustration You may not get visibly or noticeably angry, but you often get frustrated. Annoyed. A little like arrghh - but only inside. And sometimes maybe even so frustrated that you want to cry. Do you know this? If you are often frustrated with others, know that frustration is just a nicer word for anger.
🚩 Disappointment "Mom's not angry, Mom's disappointed,". Are you often disappointed by others? Disappointed with the neighbor who never puts the lawnmower back in the garage, when he borrows it. Disappointed that your son only comes to visit, when he has to do laundry. Disappointed with your boss who gave the promotion he promised you to someone else. You don't say anything, but know that disappointment is just a nicer word for anger. Disappointment is a sign of uncommunicated anger.
🚩 Hurt You rarely get angry, but often sad or hurt. About other people's comments or behavior. You don't say much, but inside your head you have a fierce internal dialogue. You may feel de-prioritized, unimportant, overlooked, forgotten, taken for granted ... and then you withdraw or become quiet. If you often get upset, know that hurt is a nicer word for anger. It's just anger being turned inward, instead of outward.
So… if you know one of these three emotions very well, then you have an anger problem.
What do you continue to do for others even though you are tired of it?
It's an incredibly good question to ask yourself once in a while. What do I continue to do for others – or say yes to – even though I'm tired of it? Think about your life right now. On this day. And reflect on how that question lands in you - today. You don't focus on what you have done in the past, but what you are currently doing. What behavior do I allow even if I am unhappy with it? What have I agreed to that I don't want or don't want? What do I do, even if it bothers me? What do I say “never mind” to even though I still spend energy thinking about it?
When we feel taken advantage of or taken for granted, it is usually because we have given more than we wanted to give or originally wanted wanted to give.
It is a sign that we have ignored our own no. And we cannot blame others for that. But we can start saying no. We can begin!
But how? How do you do it ? And what that question means is typically: How to DO ... without it being dangerous, dramatic, violent or aggressive.
How to DO it ... without alienating people. Because it is often the fear. That our no will create drama, huge conflict and discord.
It is possible to say no or set limits in a calm and friendly way. Remember, you are saying no to the action, not the person.
Boundary setting does not destroy healthy relationships. If a relationship breaks down because you set a boundary, the relationship was probably already unhealthy to begin with.
The difference between would like to and want to :
Sometimes we choose to do things we don't particularly want to do ourselves, in order to please others. For example, going to the playground with our child, moving for a friend or seeing a concert that we would not have chosen ourselves with our boyfriend, father or teenage daughter.
Sometimes we choose to do things that are out of whack because we can't bear to think about the alternative. For example, to make lunch for our teenage son, because we know that otherwise he won't get lunch at high school.
If you do, accept that right now it is your choice to do so and that you can choose not to do so at any time.
Only do things for other people when you want to. And again; will means not always want to.
E.g.: I didn't particularly feel like making a burger for my son when he came home at 9.30pm after playing basketball for several hours yesterday. But I wanted to. Because it was important to me that he got something solid to eat, and not just a cheap of cup noodles he wanted to make himself. I wanted to do him that favor.
Say no when you don't want to do something. Tell the truth. Show others that respect. Stop lying to them. Because that's actually what we do, when we agree to do things, we don't really want to do.. We lie 🙂 And we have to stop that. For everyone's sake.
You can feel it in your body. How does it feel in the body?
Do you feel light or heavy ? Do you feel drained or Nourished Do you feel light or heavy in your stomach?
Do you feel tense in your body?
You feel Frustration Maybe you're holding your breath, Maybe you cry You gossip / you start talking about the person behind the persons back It tightens in your chest You clench your jaw You clench your fist You feel Bitterness you start whining You complain You become bitchy, You feel overwhelmed You are feeling burned out, You feel stressed, You feel drained, You sulk You get annoyed by people who wants something from you You feel Angry You feel Annoyed You collapse You feel taken advantage of You feel taken for granted You fantasize about being seen You fantasize about being rescued You fantasize You avoid picking up the phone You avoid texting back You hide You dream of living a completely different life You start to daydream You dream of being saved by other people
Exaggerations are passive aggressive anger
You hope the problem will go away on its own. But it doesn't
When In which situations With whom
Boundaries are necessary in these situations
But others cannot know where your boundaries are So it is your job to tell the them truth
We live in a world with people who are different from us We may have preferences We can request something else Taking other people into account is something we all have to do
Is this my personal preference? Or is this offensive, degrading, violent ?
Other people have the right to ask you for something and you have the right to say no You don't have to defend or explain your boundaries You do not have to discuss your boundaries You don't need to over explain or rationalize your boundaries Boundaries have consequences and they can have consequences for your social life You always have the right to go back and set a limit If thinking about the situation is still draining your energy , don't ignore your boundaries You are always allowed to return to the person You are allowed to chance your mind
The important difference between boundaries and values, preferences, demands and control:
Do you mix boundaries, needs and preferences togethers. These are very different things. And that is extremely important to understand. Especially in relationships, people , “but it's my need!". It does not work. A need is not a limit, and you have no right to have it respected.
Value clash: - punctuality - eating dinner together every evening - not reading text messages when eating dinner
Anger based on a
Maybe it's just something different than what you had hoped for
It's preferences and you can't set limits on that
It is important to me we have sex every week that we go out every week that the bed is made every day
One should not fulfill one's partner's preferences The other has every right to say no
If you live together, you have to come to a solution
As a woman, remember to think about the mental load - consider if there is something you no longer want to take responsibility for
Say it out loud
Uncommunicated needs, preferences tend to become irritations, frustrations, bitterness wich can end in passive agressive behavior and can end the relationship
How to set boundaries without guilt and a bad conscience:
Resistance To be afraid To repent Feeling guilty To feel ashamed To feel sad
are all natural feelings, when we have to set boundaries.
Resistance and conflict are almost inevitable when we have to set boundaries
Try to accept guilt as part of the process by setting boundaries
Ask yourself: What is the consequence if I allow this behavior to continue and I do not say anything? What is the consequence if I do nothing ?
When you panic and think, “well, I can't say this to the person because….”, then turn it around and ask yourself: “HOW can I say xxx to the person . “
Guilt is not an obstacle for not setting boundaries. Guilt is a feeling And Feelings are not permanent. They change. Accept the feelings that comes up, feel them, stay with them, do not run from the feelings
Remember it is healthy and normal to have boundaries and to accept other peoples boundaries.
You can regulate your nervous system before you have to set a boundary e.g. by using:
- the watertank exercise - go for a walk - breathing exercises - do yoga - meditate - visualize a good outcome - ect.
Remember, you never "have to" anything (victim language):
Remember that you don't HAVE to do anything There is no one who can force you to do anything You don't have to do anything You may choose / you may say NO There is nothing you HAVE to do
Ask yourself - do I want this
Maybe you do it even if it's hard (e.g. taking Care of a parent with dementia) Accept this right now And yes you can change your mind It is beautiful to do something for the community , for other people You must take full responsibility for what you do
Test - how do you feel after you have said yes ? - are you feeling, bitter, angry, ect. ?
No one can force us to do what we do for other adults