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Post by 8675309 on Jan 21, 2019 9:26:23 GMT
@faithhopelove I offered to send him good info if he wants it. I could send links to videos, etc but I will only send it if he asks for it, I wont pressure him. I came across stuff on a site he seems to like so he could look there if he wanted. I left it at that about info on it because I know he needs to get there on his own.
I started with how it helped me and I took the tests, how much Ive grown from it. How I have some of my own avoidance, how much Ive self reflected on my life, etc, etc. I even told him how drained it made me because my attachment was fighting itself and how I eliminated that by understanding it. But, also made him aware what how his behavior triggered me and he displays FA behaviors. Made him aware I understand his need for distance and I looked up anxiety so I can understand what he goes through because its not an issue for me. I want us to be able to work with each others needs. Told him it could change his life too, he can live a life without so much fear/anxiety. Its the truth even if it triggers him.
He is fully aware he is off and his mom messed him up. Shes still mean to him. He would like to cut her off but he wont right now. I think hes comfortable in his anxiety/pain/fears at this time, its his choice. He has to do it on his own. I have no expectations even though we made good progress on openly talking, any expectations went away along with the anxiety/understanding attachment/him. I just take it one day at a time and will friend zone him if he doesnt want to progress/work on himself. Its just been a few weeks or so and its a clean slate this round, I just stay in my secure base without expectation, dont pressure him and letting the chips fall.
Mine could go the way alexandras went but that is his problem, do I want that for him, heck no, I want him to be happy even if its not with me(told him this several times) but I have to let him live his own life even if he is miserable. I gave him information to help himself and its on him now.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 21, 2019 15:32:47 GMT
@faithhopelove I offered to send him good info if he wants it. I could send links to videos, etc but I will only send it if he asks for it, I wont pressure him. I came across stuff on a site he seems to like so he could look there if he wanted. I left it at that about info on it because I know he needs to get there on his own. I started with how it helped me and I took the tests, how much Ive grown from it. How I have some of my own avoidance, how much Ive self reflected on my life, etc, etc. I even told him how drained it made me because my attachment was fighting itself and how I eliminated that by understanding it. But, also made him aware what how his behavior triggered me and he displays FA behaviors. Made him aware I understand his need for distance and I looked up anxiety so I can understand what he goes through because its not an issue for me. I want us to be able to work with each others needs. Told him it could change his life too, he can live a life without so much fear/anxiety. Its the truth even if it triggers him. He is fully aware he is off and his mom messed him up. Shes still mean to him. He would like to cut her off but he wont right now. I think hes comfortable in his anxiety/pain/fears at this time, its his choice. He has to do it on his own. I have no expectations even though we made good progress on openly talking, any expectations went away along with the anxiety/understanding attachment/him. I just take it one day at a time and will friend zone him if he doesnt want to progress/work on himself. Its just been a few weeks or so and its a clean slate this round, I just stay in my secure base without expectation, dont pressure him and letting the chips fall. Mine could go the way alexandras went but that is his problem, do I want that for him, heck no, I want him to be happy even if its not with me(told him this several times) but I have to let him live his own life even if he is miserable. I gave him information to help himself and its on him now. I find this whole post so many shades of ridiculous. So, as a securely attached individual, without attachment trauma, you think you have some great leadership to offer a man who you suspect has FA attachment. You share how you've done some introspection, and how it's helped you. I mean, you have some avoidance of your own, things are much better for you now. Heck, you've given him some information, it's on him now. I think you completely minimize the severity of the issues involved with insecure attachment. This is about how a nervous system was wired by trauma and neglect. It's not a matter of reading an article or two and then just devolving into a process of identifying and transforming deeobtrauma, because a securely attached person made a few changes to their perspective and wow, look at them. You've got no clue. Taking care of this stuff takes years of overcoming automatic, involuntary responses in the brain and nervous system. Responses to trauma and abandonment. You might want to go ahead and friend zone him since he seems comfortable in his pain. I haven't seen an FA posting here that is comfortable in pain. I don't care what "secures" day about it. Lordy. Your whole approach to all this is very flippant. Couldn't help but notice, how often you post how secure and relatively unaffected you are. That's a blessing, to be sure. But it also means you are ignorant, even if you have a sliver of "avoidance" and get "triggered anxious". Attachment injury goes deep. It's excruciating. Show some regard for that reality. It's not all about being the boyfriend you want. The recognition of a need to heal (not change for a partner) typically comes with a traumatic bottoming out in existential pain. An article can be helpful. It can be a small step into awareness. But the journey after that requires much more deep work and perhaps non-involvement in a relationship to work through a relationship with the self. Be ready for that when you want to help someone be happier. They really might be happier without you. They really might find that they entered a relationship with you due to blindness and their own trauma. They might need to be completely cut off from you to do some soul searching into a lifetime of relating that left them bruised. They might find that you trigger them because you aren't as healthy as you think you are. They might learn to trust themselves instead of relying on a partner to tell them what's up. They might be better off without you. That's the reality of healing attachment. |
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Post by stayhappy on Jan 21, 2019 16:46:54 GMT
Advice: How do you communicate gently to a DA that’s its hard for me when he suddenly drops off? This question was prompted bc today I asked if he wanted to go out and do something and he replied- sorry can’t tonight. I asked if he was good and he didn’t respond. We’re coming off a great night Thursday. Should I text and tell him it’s hard for me when he drops off and could he instead tell me he needs space so we can connect better? (I could wait while we’re in person to say this, but that’s when things are going well.) Every time we see each other he pulls back for 3-4 days and I want to communicate my needs but I want to do it gently without sounding critical and harsh. He’s sensitive to perceived or real criticism...as an aware AP, I’m trying not to jump the gun and be unreasonably needy. Any thoughts?? TIA! After some arguments about he not answering me I said to him something like ”I don’t if you do this concious or not but I don’t like feeling ignored and you hate the bitch way I react when you come back so maybe you can try to remember to answer my texts and saying when you need space?”... Did it work? Most of the times. Sometimes he still doesn’t answer but he always say sorry when he comes back now and tell me the reason. How do I react? Most of times just fine, but when I’m in a bad mood I can answer something like “I’m still upset but see you soon ☺️!”. He will just laugh and say ok or use humor because he knows I love it. |
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Post by stayhappy on Jan 21, 2019 16:52:04 GMT
For me/us using humor helps a lot in our communication but it took time to come to this place. Now we an laugh about things we would fight before. I like it more!
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Post by faithopelove on Jan 21, 2019 17:32:33 GMT
faithopelove, it is a bit tricky to do this in a way that isn't triggering. It may go better if you talk your way through what you've learned about AP first, and how much it helped you be a better version of youself, and that attachment theory is widely applicable because it outlines patterns that have existed since childhood and allows for change in things that seem stuck. However, I do want to offer you something else worth considering. You talked about how you just want your ex to be happy, and you know that he would be happier if he worked on his attachment issues. Yes, I agree, but it's also very possible that he does not want to be happy. Sounds off, like, why would someone choose not to be happy? But this is what happened with my ex after I told him the term FA exists. I have said before I just want him to be happy, and I believe he knows that's true. However, a few months after that conversation, he told me he is no longer pursuing happiness, which is too fleeting for him, and instead just trying to avoid making himself unhappy. Which was not the takeaway I was expecting at all, and he's found another relationship to distract him so he can do this. I don't know your ex, I don't know how interested he is in healing. I just don't want you to keep twisting youself into a pretzel to accommodate him if he's not looking to be helped or even to be happy. If you've got things that are important to you to say, then say them, but just don't expect much change. He's been pretty consistent in what he's offered you in the past year, and that's likely all he's able to handle (some closeness followed by a 3-4 day cooldown period). Thanks, Alexandra. Yes, I wonder if some people don’t want to pursue being happy bc there seems to be too many painful hurdles in the way. Instead they settle for masking the pain with times of feeling ok. I do see that in him as far as he isn’t one to explore or self examine- it all seems to be not worth it or too much for him. I guess shutting down is safer. He’s in a tough place. As for me, I’m asserting myself more and the space is affecting me less. My journey is continuing... |
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Post by alexandra on Jan 21, 2019 17:54:08 GMT
Taking care of this stuff takes years of overcoming automatic, involuntary responses in the brain and nervous system. Responses to trauma and abandonment. [br Attachment injury goes deep. It's excruciating. The recognition of a need to heal (not change for a partner) typically comes with a traumatic bottoming out in existential pain. An article can be helpful. It can be a small step into awareness. But the journey after that requires much more deep work and perhaps non-involvement in a relationship to work through a relationship with the self. Be ready for that when you want to help someone be happier. They really might be happier without you. They really might find that they entered a relationship with you due to blindness and their own trauma. They might need to be completely cut off from you to do some soul searching into a lifetime of relating that left them bruised. I agree with all this. I only told my ex the search term, 3 years later, because I was unfamiliar with attachment theory, and once I figured out what to do with it it really helped me. And, for me personally, I wish someone had told me it existed earlier. But I didn't send him anything additional, and it was part of a closure conversation. It usually takes being in more pain day to day than the pain and effort it takes to address this. The bottoming out, etc., was what happened to me, over the course of several years. As did the no contact, I stopped talking to my ex for almost a year after our first breakup because I needed to deal with it and he kept triggering me. I suppose I went back to try again after I was in a better place, because I'd blamed myself, and didn't realize he also had intense attachment issues. Now that I do, and he had no interest in exploring them, we no longer really talk. It doesn't add value to my life at the moment and I'd rather keep moving forward. I think mentioning the concept to someone you are close to after years is okay, but don't expect much after that. They can take the information and go to a therapist, or not. |
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Post by unluckyinlove on Jan 21, 2019 19:40:22 GMT
Faithopelove, I can appreciate your desire to not want to give up on your DA. As you may know if you’ve seen my posts, I’m recently out of an almost three year relationship and just learning about attachment styles. In my healing, I’m finding answers and creating my own closure in reading the posts on this forum. Sometimes I wish I knew then what I know now so I could present the ideas to my FA. But when I allow myself to be honest, I think it may have just pushed him further away. What I’m seeing is that the AP’s desire to show their love by helping is only being received from the DA/FA as us wanting to “fix” them....it really doesn’t matter what our true intentions are. The misunderstanding is the trigger. Being ignorant of attachment styles, I once wrote an email to my boyfriend after a fight (where he had run away for a week) trying to explain the love languages and how we each need to give and receive love. I tried to explain how he and I are neither right or wrong....we just perceive love differently. He did NOT receive that well at all. He called it a bunch of “psycho mumbo jumbo”. So from that experience, I realize that the DA/FA has a certain responsibility in helping themselves....awareness, understanding and transformation. That is a personal journey. I do feel for you and do admire your intentions because I know they are good. But I think you should wait until he mentions a desire for help first. If he does then I think it’s best to approach the subject of attachment as it relates to YOU rather than him. If he really wants the change, he’ll explore it deeper or ask you to elaborate on his own attachment injuries. If he doesn’t ever approach you then I think unfortunately it’s best to let him go. Letting go doesn’t mean you don’t still love him or that you give up on him. We can’t fight for someone who doesn’t want to save themselves.
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Post by 8675309 on Jan 21, 2019 20:06:41 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 21, 2019 20:54:18 GMT
Taking care of this stuff takes years of overcoming automatic, involuntary responses in the brain and nervous system. Responses to trauma and abandonment. [br Attachment injury goes deep. It's excruciating. The recognition of a need to heal (not change for a partner) typically comes with a traumatic bottoming out in existential pain. An article can be helpful. It can be a small step into awareness. But the journey after that requires much more deep work and perhaps non-involvement in a relationship to work through a relationship with the self. Be ready for that when you want to help someone be happier. They really might be happier without you. They really might find that they entered a relationship with you due to blindness and their own trauma. They might need to be completely cut off from you to do some soul searching into a lifetime of relating that left them bruised. I agree with all this. I only told my ex the search term, 3 years later, because I was unfamiliar with attachment theory, and once I figured out what to do with it it really helped me. And, for me personally, I wish someone had told me it existed earlier. But I didn't send him anything additional, and it was part of a closure conversation. It usually takes being in more pain day to day than the pain and effort it takes to address this. The bottoming out, etc., was what happened to me, over the course of several years. As did the no contact, I stopped talking to my ex for almost a year after our first breakup because I needed to deal with it and he kept triggering me. I suppose I went back to try again after I was in a better place, because I'd blamed myself, and didn't realize he also had intense attachment issues. Now that I do, and he had no interest in exploring them, we no longer really talk. It doesn't add value to my life at the moment and I'd rather keep moving forward. I think mentioning the concept to someone you are close to after years is okay, but don't expect much after that. They can take the information and go to a therapist, or not. Well said! |
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Post by sissyk on Jan 21, 2019 21:14:35 GMT
Not to stir the pot here--but I too heard "you can't fix someone else" from DAs when I posted originally. It was a tough pill to swallow but was important medicine for me. Because the corollary is "You didn't cause this and it is not up to you or your actions to fix," which I found freeing. Did I do everything textbook right? No. Does anyone in any relationship? No. Did you deserve to get broken up with because you acted AP? No. You have shown the patience of Job with him from what you have posted. I honestly ask this with curiosity: Doesn't your DA KNOW after all this time, your history, and likely many variations of this conversation or strong hints along the way that saying he is too busy and then not replying at all would be hurtful to you? That was a small but brave risk you took. Crickets. So you followed up with another text. He replied. He feels less bad about himself if he apologizes...but that may be easier for him than any alternative: Ghosting. Escalating. Cutting off ties all together. Been there! Am I projecting from my different experience with a different DA? Of course! But it is a heavy burden to fix this all by yourself if he even wants fixing or is ready for it. I know you two have a long history and he is depressed so take my comments with a big old grain of salt. I am just adding this to the general dialogue for other Googlers in similar situations who find there way here too. It can feel like climbing Mount Everest, one toehold at a time. Hi sissyk - yes, I agree it felt like a bit of a risky move on my part to double text bc he’s sensitive to criticism and was already deactivating. I felt calling him out on his non-response was part of respecting myself and my own needs. I’ve been patient but I’m not going to tolerate being ghosted without honestly communicating how that makes me feel. He struggles to share any of his needs so my request also encouraged him to communicate his needs to me. That is progress. I just wanted to be careful to communicate my message in a calm and rational way recognizing that my AP tendencies have caused me to act out emotionally and unfairly in the past. I think I communicated fairly since he answered in kind. Asserting my needs w out suppressing and later lashing out is progress for me....I felt like I was riding a bike without training wheels, and his response about needing alone time was exactly the one I expected since we had just seen each other two nights prior. Job? Well, I’ve been pretty patient but certainly have pushed at times....it’s been easier lately since not having the high anxiety in time and space that I experienced w severe AP. I’m calmer now. I have empathy for his issues and in the meantime, I’m learning to stand on my own two feet without a husband or boyfriend for the first time in my adult life. A lot of lessons here and we’re not done with each other. Yes--@faithhopelove that is so great that you were clear about what you needed. That is a big risk too. Good for you--been there and it is freeing, isn't it? Good progress! I hope I didn't minimize that in my earlier post. I also have true empathy for you wanting to help him. I feel very very very sad for my DA/FA! He has not had a LTR in decades, never married or had kids in all those years. He was on a dating site and wants connection--he would speak about his painful loneliness and lamented he was "bad" at relationships. But when we started getting closer, he retracted like a hermit crab into his shell. "Safe" but alone. That is really heartbreaking to me. But I realized I couldn't fix him--the closeness we did achieve just seemed to drive him away. He almost seemed like connection was Kryptonite. And, frankly, he may be DA/FA AND also have decided I was not all that and a bag of chips and wanted to find a different gal--both things can be true. And I do feel I can have sympathy for his struggle and humanity apart from my wish to maintain a connection. One is not contingent on the other. We are caring, sensitive people, you and I faithhopelove  My frustrations came through in my post. I found trying to relate to a DA like being down the rabbit hole in Alice in Wonderland. All the rules have changed and you are trying to always be figuring out a very confusing world. If I pull this lever, what happens? Back when I was still at the stage of hoping for a real relationship, I felt that if I just studied up enough, was understanding and did everything right like a good student then we would make progress. So I just don't want you to feel that if you step over all the cracks and send the exact right link at the exact right time you can save him--and if you don't that is your fault. That is a heavy burden on you. I hope he wants to struggle along messily to get better. I would cheer! |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 21, 2019 22:17:51 GMT
Faithopelove, I can appreciate your desire to not want to give up on your DA. As you may know if you’ve seen my posts, I’m recently out of an almost three year relationship and just learning about attachment styles. In my healing, I’m finding answers and creating my own closure in reading the posts on this forum. Sometimes I wish I knew then what I know now so I could present the ideas to my FA. But when I allow myself to be honest, I think it may have just pushed him further away. What I’m seeing is that the AP’s desire to show their love by helping is only being received from the DA/FA as us wanting to “fix” them....it really doesn’t matter what our true intentions are. The misunderstanding is the trigger. Being ignorant of attachment styles, I once wrote an email to my boyfriend after a fight (where he had run away for a week) trying to explain the love languages and how we each need to give and receive love. I tried to explain how he and I are neither right or wrong....we just perceive love differently. He did NOT receive that well at all. He called it a bunch of “psycho mumbo jumbo”. So from that experience, I realize that the DA/FA has a certain responsibility in helping themselves....awareness, understanding and transformation. That is a personal journey. I do feel for you and do admire your intentions because I know they are good. But I think you should wait until he mentions a desire for help first. If he does then I think it’s best to approach the subject of attachment as it relates to YOU rather than him. If he really wants the change, he’ll explore it deeper or ask you to elaborate on his own attachment injuries. If he doesn’t ever approach you then I think unfortunately it’s best to let him go. Letting go doesn’t mean you don’t still love him or that you give up on him. We can’t fight for someone who doesn’t want to save themselves. I think a lot of people think that if an avoidant doesn't want to work on their issues with them, then the avoidant must not want to grow at all. That's not necessarily true. As one of the most difficult combinations, an anxious/avoidant relationship may have been too damaging, too toxic, and too triggering for either or both partners to wish to remain together to go into deep changes. And, there may not be a lot of credibility when an insecure partner suggests the solution, if the relationship has been harmed by the parties acting out their injuries. I know, because as an avoidant, I myself have at times chosen to leave and deepen my healing on my own terms, without the history and broken trust of a toxic relationship. I'm sure my ex partner was pretty convinced that if I wouldn't do it the way he suggested, and I wouldn't do it with him, that I wouldn't do it at all. That isn't the case. My relationships have taught me more and more over time, and I have grown in each of them. The last relationship that I was in, I count it real growth to be able to recognize the difference between deactivation and real issues that were hurting me. The bottom line is, every insecurely attached person has their own road and they all hurt others and get hurt along the way. Nobody can judge another person's progress or lack of. Sure, it's maddening. I felt a lot of disappointment and even anger at the way that my ex was unable to be supportive and present to me because of his own issues. He's a good guy but not a good guy for me. |
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Post by faithopelove on Jan 21, 2019 22:18:49 GMT
Hi sissyk - yes, I agree it felt like a bit of a risky move on my part to double text bc he’s sensitive to criticism and was already deactivating. I felt calling him out on his non-response was part of respecting myself and my own needs. I’ve been patient but I’m not going to tolerate being ghosted without honestly communicating how that makes me feel. He struggles to share any of his needs so my request also encouraged him to communicate his needs to me. That is progress. I just wanted to be careful to communicate my message in a calm and rational way recognizing that my AP tendencies have caused me to act out emotionally and unfairly in the past. I think I communicated fairly since he answered in kind. Asserting my needs w out suppressing and later lashing out is progress for me....I felt like I was riding a bike without training wheels, and his response about needing alone time was exactly the one I expected since we had just seen each other two nights prior. Job? Well, I’ve been pretty patient but certainly have pushed at times....it’s been easier lately since not having the high anxiety in time and space that I experienced w severe AP. I’m calmer now. I have empathy for his issues and in the meantime, I’m learning to stand on my own two feet without a husband or boyfriend for the first time in my adult life. A lot of lessons here and we’re not done with each other. Yes--@faithhopelove that is so great that you were clear about what you needed. That is a big risk too. Good for you--been there and it is freeing, isn't it? Good progress! I hope I didn't minimize that in my earlier post. I also have true empathy for you wanting to help him. I feel very very very sad for my DA/FA! He has not had a LTR in decades, never married or had kids in all those years. He was on a dating site and wants connection--he would speak about his painful loneliness and lamented he was "bad" at relationships. But when we started getting closer, he retracted like a hermit crab into his shell. "Safe" but alone. That is really heartbreaking to me. But I realized I couldn't fix him--the closeness we did achieve just seemed to drive him away. He almost seemed like connection was Kryptonite. And, frankly, he may be DA/FA AND also have decided I was not all that and a bag of chips and wanted to find a different gal--both things can be true. And I do feel I can have sympathy for his struggle and humanity apart from my wish to maintain a connection. One is not contingent on the other. We are caring, sensitive people, you and I faithhopelove My frustrations came through in my post. I found trying to relate to a DA like being down the rabbit hole in Alice in Wonderland. All the rules have changed and you are trying to always be figuring out a very confusing world. If I pull this lever, what happens? Back when I was still at the stage of hoping for a real relationship, I felt that if I just studied up enough, was understanding and did everything right like a good student then we would make progress. So I just don't want you to feel that if you step over all the cracks and send the exact right link at the exact right time you can save him--and if you don't that is your fault. That is a heavy burden on you. I hope he wants to struggle along messily to get better. I would cheer! Hey sissyk  I didn’t feel at all that you minimized bc I know you’ve experienced similar and have empathy. The way you described him being “safe in a shell” and closeness being kryptonite tells me you can relate. Yes, I do realize his progress or lack thereof isn’t on me- I honestly don’t know if he’d even read a link. When we were together he would laugh at me for being on relationship sites and “fun” relationship type quizzes I’d send him. (He “begrudgingly” took them when we were together.) I think that kind of thing is fun, but he doesn’t so I doubt he’d welcome a link on attachment. Yes, Alice in Wonderful. In the past I’ve told my partners anything on my mind- I had AP tendency to not express my needs, but I’d chatter about anything else inc “what if” scenarios and just about anything under the sun. I’m used to that, but he’s quiet, an introvert and sensitive to criticism. I actually cannot fathom how he’s a leader at work, in charge of staff, but I guess professional life doesn’t translate to personal. I appreciate your support! I hope he decides to struggle along messily too and accepts he needs help...or he’s looking at bottoming out to accept help. Something has to give eventually. Hope you’re well, friend! |
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Post by faithopelove on Jan 21, 2019 22:23:36 GMT
Faithopelove, I can appreciate your desire to not want to give up on your DA. As you may know if you’ve seen my posts, I’m recently out of an almost three year relationship and just learning about attachment styles. In my healing, I’m finding answers and creating my own closure in reading the posts on this forum. Sometimes I wish I knew then what I know now so I could present the ideas to my FA. But when I allow myself to be honest, I think it may have just pushed him further away. What I’m seeing is that the AP’s desire to show their love by helping is only being received from the DA/FA as us wanting to “fix” them....it really doesn’t matter what our true intentions are. The misunderstanding is the trigger. Being ignorant of attachment styles, I once wrote an email to my boyfriend after a fight (where he had run away for a week) trying to explain the love languages and how we each need to give and receive love. I tried to explain how he and I are neither right or wrong....we just perceive love differently. He did NOT receive that well at all. He called it a bunch of “psycho mumbo jumbo”. So from that experience, I realize that the DA/FA has a certain responsibility in helping themselves....awareness, understanding and transformation. That is a personal journey. I do feel for you and do admire your intentions because I know they are good. But I think you should wait until he mentions a desire for help first. If he does then I think it’s best to approach the subject of attachment as it relates to YOU rather than him. If he really wants the change, he’ll explore it deeper or ask you to elaborate on his own attachment injuries. If he doesn’t ever approach you then I think unfortunately it’s best to let him go. Letting go doesn’t mean you don’t still love him or that you give up on him. We can’t fight for someone who doesn’t want to save themselves. I think a lot of people think that if an avoidant doesn't want to work on their issues with them, then the avoidant must not want to grow at all. That's not necessarily true. As one of the most difficult combinations, an anxious/avoidant relationship may have been too damaging, too toxic, and too triggering for either or both partners to wish to remain together to go into deep changes. And, there may not be a lot of credibility when an insecure partner suggests the solution, if the relationship has been harmed by the parties acting out their injuries. I know, because as an avoidant, I myself have at times chosen to leave and deepen my healing on my own terms, without the history and broken trust of a toxic relationship. I'm sure my ex partner was pretty convinced that if I wouldn't do it the way he suggested, and I wouldn't do it with him, that I wouldn't do it at all. That isn't the case. My relationships have taught me more and more over time, and I have grown in each of them. The last relationship that I was in, I count it real growth to be able to recognize the difference between deactivation and real issues that were hurting me. The bottom line is, every insecurely attached person has their own road and they all hurt others and get hurt along the way. Nobody can judge another person's progress or lack of. Sure, it's maddening. I felt a lot of disappointment and even anger at the way that my ex was unable to be supportive and present to me because of his own issues. He's a good guy but not a good guy for me. In his case he’s avoiding getting any help. He remains alone and sees me and says he’s a mess and in a weird place. He avoids introspection and distracts himself instead. He doesn’t view me as toxic- we both take responsibility for our issues. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 21, 2019 22:38:01 GMT
faithopelove I'm not saying that's the case with you, or with anyone else in particular. I do know, that many of these relationships end badly but that doesn't mean that either party might not be in a better position to heal having left the relationship behind. Progress can happen post relationship for either one. In many cases it seems to take a series of relationships and growth phases to get to where we are going, with each chapter revealing more, when we are ready and can go to another level of recovery.
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Post by unluckyinlove on Jan 21, 2019 23:11:05 GMT
I think a lot of people think that if an avoidant doesn't want to work on their issues with them, then the avoidant must not want to grow at all. That's not necessarily true. As one of the most difficult combinations, an anxious/avoidant relationship may have been too damaging, too toxic, and too triggering for either or both partners to wish to remain together to go into deep changes. And, there may not be a lot of credibility when an insecure partner suggests the solution, if the relationship has been harmed by the parties acting out their injuries. I know, because as an avoidant, I myself have at times chosen to leave and deepen my healing on my own terms, without the history and broken trust of a toxic relationship. I'm sure my ex partner was pretty convinced that if I wouldn't do it the way he suggested, and I wouldn't do it with him, that I wouldn't do it at all. That isn't the case. My relationships have taught me more and more over time, and I have grown in each of them. The last relationship that I was in, I count it real growth to be able to recognize the difference between deactivation and real issues that were hurting me. The bottom line is, every insecurely attached person has their own road and they all hurt others and get hurt along the way. Nobody can judge another person's progress or lack of. Sure, it's maddening. I felt a lot of disappointment and even anger at the way that my ex was unable to be supportive and present to me because of his own issues. He's a good guy but not a good guy for me. In his case he’s avoiding getting any help. He remains alone and sees me and says he’s a mess and in a weird place. He avoids introspection and distracts himself instead. He doesn’t view me as toxic- we both take responsibility for our issues. Mines the same as faithopelove. My FA has said he knows he’s broken and just hasn’t ever gone to therapy or “wherever people go to fix themselves”. But yes...he is aware and chooses not to make the effort. He’s more comfortable dodging feelings. My FA has a list of employers, friends, family and his own daughter that he’s run away from and won’t do his part to fix the relationship. I am aware and working on my issues. He chooses not to work on his. |
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I didn’t feel at all that you minimized bc I know you’ve experienced similar and have empathy. The way you described him being “safe in a shell” and closeness being kryptonite tells me you can relate.