A little annoyed at the ex

The day that this incident happened was devastating to me. We had made strides toward better communication. I am at a place in my awareness and recovery that I am very candid about what I think and feel, and in fact feel very at ease with hard conversations. This is because I have found deep healing on the other side of them. In fact, this is something that he always loved about me, he called my speaking and expressing style "clean and no gloss". He admired it and said he felt relaxed with it because he never had to wonder what I think or feel, he never had to guess, and it made him feel safe and confident and he just had a lot of respect for me in that regard.

During the course of the relationship, the stark contrast between our communication styles emerged. He typically would cloak any negativity happening inside him with denial, or saying exactly the opposite of what he meant. He would use sarcasm in ways that would confuse me terribly. He was just a very poor communicator and it stemmed from his inability to be authentic and emotionally honest about insecurities or any kind of pain.

We enjoyed a lot of time together, and interacted deeply when things were good. But if he got triggered, things went sideways quickly and brutally. I think this is my first experience with an FA, and he had no awareness.

The day that I shared the information about this man, I did so because I was protecting us, him, me. He apparently became jealous and threatened but denied that and rebuffed any attempt of mine to offer assurance and security and launched into a cold account of this other woman (made nothing into something) and minimized the importance and depth of our entire relationship in a display of untouchability, invulnerability.

We were speaking on audio so I dialed in for a video call so I could be sure to have eye contact and try to repair what was happening. This made it worse because he was relentless and I had to see him look straight in my eyes and say these terrible things.

I told him that the things he was saying were hurting me very badly and that I felt he was casting doubt on the truth and importance of our entire relationship. I was asking him to please help me understand why he was casting doubt on our relationship. I told him that this entire conversation was shocking to me and I felt very hurt and confused by it.

He denied having any emotional upset and persisted.

This was the most painful betray I can recall, because we had been working so hard together to grow and learn how to love each other well. We had had a wonderful day. And I was lovin him so much. I was devastated. He maintained his emotionless facade all evening. I shut down. I realized I could not tolerate feeling like that ever again over his unresolved emotional issues and that was my turning point.

Today he acknowledged his fault and that he had completely abandoned me and the relationship in defense of his own insecurity that had nothing to do with me or how I treat him or the relationship, it's just stuff he hadn't worked through.

At least he was honest and that eased my feeling of anger. That hurt me badly.

@nullified, a lot of this still rings true to me, and I think your inkling that he's FA is probably correct. I received the acknowledgment that I'd been abandoned over reasons that were my FA ex's baggage and actually had nothing to do with me about 4 months later, which eased my confusion and cognitive dissonance. Unfortunately, though he'd realized that, he was unwilling to do any work to confront it further. It really hurt me most at the time that he wanted to stay friends at his convenience yet I wasn't "worth" the effort for him to confront his baggage even though our relationship was primarily good (though I understand now that insecure attachment doesn't work that way), so that's at which point I felt strangled by him not respecting the space I asked for and went no contact for the better part of a year. That's when I really started dealing with my AP head on, and the whole thing was quite painful.

Your situation isn't exactly the same, but I understand. Hang in there. Hopefully his admission today can give you some more closure as you process.

I'm just going to work through my thoughts and feelings about this here to see if I can understand more about what I really need in a relationship. The video was a great synopsis, but there's more . I got a good night of sleep and I woke up with some more thoughts about it all.

There was a pattern that became established that I don't want to repeat. I want to be alert to it happening and recognize when it's me working hand over fist to bail out a sinking ship. The pattern was this. We would have a nice time, day a quiet weekend together with sleepovers, some fun activity, lounging around, cooking together or whatever. I enjoyed the weekend together and had no problem balancing that out with the natural separation of the work week, when our conflicting schedules had us mostly in contact with calls, texts, video calling... and still allowing me the time and space I need to have time for myself and my other priorities. I thrive with time by myself and solitary activities, and really the romantic relationship was my biggest personal involvement with others besides work and my kids. I don't hang out with friends much because really we are all similar but when we do get together it's deep and meaningful.

Anyway, the pattern. After a great weekend, that left me feeling connected and relaxed and ready to go out to the other areas of my life and be my best (connection does that for me- it makes me feel like everything is better, I am in a good place to be my best for the other areas of my life.). So, he'd be at work and I would be doing my day, thinking fond thoughts of him while being able to dedicate myself to whatever it was I was doing, and I'd get The Text. He's been thinking. He has some uncertainties. Where is this going? He's got some doubt, always a new doubt. Some new obstacle, some reason that this may not be as stable as we thought and we have to talk about it. He'd ask, can you video? I've always made myself available for that. I enjoy when it's just a good conversation checking in and saying hello, love ya, whatever. But I always took the video call in this case also because I wanted to know, what is wrong? Is there something I've missed?

Once we got on video call, I could see him smiling and the sun was coming out of his face at me so I knew he was ok, just thinking through something and I would try to help him unpack it. Whatever the concern was, we would talk about it and either come up with a solution or just ease a doubt and I'd feel like it was just a little wrinkle and things are fine, we would move forward with an awareness of whatever it was and no big deal.

What I see looking back, is that his own insecurity had him constantly looking to me for answers, or to assure him of this or that, that everything was going to be fine, and he was always shaking the foundation. I was in a position to always be consulted to stabilize and provide security, while receiving no assurance or security myself. There was always Something. Well, not always, it was intermittent with "This is the best most happiest thing ever and I want if forever!". Over time, I feel like O was doing all the heavy work to stabilize things while he constantly chopped away at it with his worry and overthinking.

I learned that whatever we resolved, was not really resolved. And, if it was, there was a new worry coming. And, if he felt secure and ready to just move forward, a day at a time, he would soon change and come with a new concern. I can look back and see that I foolishly relaxed inbetween those times, and even though it was a pattern I would be surprised by each new worry. He had no consistent faith or confidence in the relationship. I did, I guess because I was in denial. I would read the worry text and get a pinch. in my chest. What now? That's a sign I need to not ignore in the future. That's a pattern I don't want to be a part of any more.

What I need is someone as solution oriented as I am, rather than someone problem oriented. I need a partner who has confidence in the bond and in themselves. I need someone who can provide me with stability instead of just questioning the relationship all the time. I feel disillusioned in that I was just showing up and giving my all to someone who never really believed in what we were doing and that it could ever be ok. What's the point? He always looked way into the future and found reasons this was going to be difficult. Contrast with what a beautiful future we would have. While effing up days at a time with an inability to just freaking relax and build something with me.

Yes! I've asked for a longer period of no contact to focus on my own processes without getting tangled in his.

Sorry for butting in but I thought your insight was helpful.

I recognize the pattern perfectly. I understood the confusion it must have created, but not enough to control my triggers. Albeit it my case there was very little consistency or validation and as much I loved the good moments they were also my triggers because I knew it won't last, I knew there was a trick(because of both, his past behavior and my past trauma). I was shooting myself in the foot, knowingly. 

It doesn't seem like you did anything wrong so I suspect that his attachment figures must have been very ambivalent, inconsistent and their love must have been nothing but conditional. He probably now struggles with object constancy hence the need to check if you're (or will be) still there. 

It's awful actually. You have no way to predict your partner's constancy, and there's nothing worse than being attached, letting yourself to be vulnerable with another person and truly not knowing what you can expect from them next. The natural need for safety forces you to self-sabotage.

Yes, it is a push. It's to push you away without the intent. Baffling, I know.

I liked how it was presented here www.regain.us/advice/attachment/what-to-do-if-you-have-a-disorganized-attachment/
"An infant with an avoidant attachment has learned that crying won't make the caregiver bring the food any faster. Instead, the mother rejects them. So, they avoid the mother. A resistant infant shows angry behavior when the mother finally brings the food."

 DA's reaction to a trigger is fixed "I don't want it!" because the outcome was always the same. DA learnt they'll be let down each time.

"A disorganized attachment is different because the infant never knows what to expect. The mother might respond quickly and lovingly one time and ignore them the next. "

"I don't want it!" is not a rejection but a prophylactic reaction in case they'll be let down. FA never knows what to expect.

Ultimately what could make this pairing work is both partners being aware, having a common goal and trusting each other enough to know that none of this is personal(therefore- remaining not affected by triggered partner).
Trust might be a keyword. I know I became very aware, I also knew his patterns but I simply didn't trust thus I was unable to control myself.