A little annoyed at the ex

Oh boy. Good analysis. And also painful for me to read because this sounds so much like our relationship - with both of us behaving like your FA ex. We've been a tricky combo to categorize - we looked a lot like AP-DA at first but the more the relationship progressed, the more we started behaving like two FAs. But the labels are not important here.

I am also in the process of letting go. We are having a long break from the relationship, we tried our best to solve our issues as we've both been very self-aware and analytical, we were very committed when the issues surfaced and we do care about each other, but it was getting too painful and we need to heal separately. We both need therapy to overcome our issues and probably a secure partner. I'm also still trying to make sense of what were my problems and what were his. It's not easy as an FA, when you don't really have a realistic view of yourself or others, and my identity is in itself quite unstable, and so is his. I knew it was time for me to let go when my fear was triggered too much and I started to dissociate, even though there was no intentional cruelty or abuse. Just poor communication, conflict avoidance, fear and mistrust, anxiety and shutting down. There was also a subjective element of betrayal and abandonment that I never really got over (one can only abandon me once) and my partner couldn't help me with it because of his own issues. This is what the rational, well-functioning part of me can understand, but the emotional part sometimes goes overboard in paranoia.


I don't want to speculate or categorize too much as there are a million reasons why a person could behave like this, but your diagnosis of him as FA sounds spot-on and I thought it'd help you to know he may not have done it on purpose. This is something that often comes with trauma background; living inside your head, having trouble concentrating and checking out mentally when someone is talking to you. It's what I often do unintentionally but I try to hide it because I don't want to make anyone feel invalidated. I had to explain this to my partner too when he expressed hurt over me not listening to him.

I don't know if it helps you or not but I think it's good to know some insecures, especially FAs, may struggle with something called whole object relations and object constancy. That is the capacity to understand that an object (in this case, an attachment figure) has both good and bad qualities and that an object exists even when it is not present. A person whose capacity to integrate both good and bad sides was not fully developed in childhood may struggle to feel attached to a person if they can't idealize them (it feels unsafe), so they feel forced to "split" the person - seeing only their good or bad parts instead of seeing the person as a whole. Yes, it can be really hurtful. But it's not intentional and the motive lies somewhere very deep in abandonment issues instead of deliberate fault-finding.

This was a problem in our relationship as we both did this splitting thing. FA can be very reactive. We were generally calm, co-operative, kind and considerate with each other, we always tried to avoid conflict, but when something triggered us, our reaction to that was way over the top, causing us both to question the whole relationship and then exacerbating that reaction in each other. It was usually me who tried to make sense of what was happening, and I never acted out because of it, rather I took some distance from him emotionally, but it still triggered me badly - although afterwards we'd both realize how stupid it was. It was the same when my partner was absent - "he is gone and I can't love something that is gone/unavailable", so my mind started to create reasons not to care about him, miss him or trust him. I'd always forget those feelings when he came back. It was the same for him.


Yes. You fell in the love with his false self - and when he realized you were starting to see past it, it made him afraid of you. Also what happened in our relationship. I realized this in him long before I realized it in myself. I had a false self too and the more it crumbled, the more I became afraid of my partner, because he now had access to my vulnerability.

Even though I can understand your ex I'm not trying to justify his behavior. No one needs to put up with that. It's not worth it to sacrifice your own well-being when the other person is not able to give you security or stability and is not even aware of his issues. But I thought this perspective might be helpful to you if you feel stuck in ruminating and wondering about his motives. The attachment-focused therapist Dan Siegel has said that what matters is not what happens to us but how we make sense of it. Creating the narrative that leaves us feeling peaceful eventually creates the inner security. You are clearly very capable of creating that narrative, and it will help you to get over it.

nullified,

Thank you for the Red Flags post.

I find it very insightful and helpful.

It doesn't mean that a person like this will not be a good partner, but these are behaviors that warrant a second look/thought! It takes time for all the little signs to add up and point to the whole package, so valuable lessons learned form this.

I hope you will recover, enjoy your new freedom and meet a more suitable partner in future.

Thanks nullified!

I think what's most beneficial is for each of us to learn and grow after each relationship. Someone who cannot objectively analyze and recognize his or her own part as well as those of the partner will be doomed to repeat these mistakes and devolve further into any dysfunctional aspects of one's personality.

There is no staying in place - one either progresses or regresses.

You have learned quite a lot and shared them here, including how you waved away the red flags when he placed you on a pedestal, adapting instead of questioning, etc.

I'm trying to reach a point where I spot and act upon red flags earlier, and this helps!

I am afraid to go too deep before I heed my gut instincts and red flags sensing. This was my past behavior, I stayed far too long, to the detriment of my emotional, mental, financial and physical health.

I'm still trying to read fairysalad's first post in her thread that she has removed, because I wanted to see if I can spot the red flags in the events she described.

I'm learning to keep people at an arm's length until I feel comfortable to go deeper into friendship. I now appreciate quality more than quantity, and simple, homely, modest types are the ones I trust most now, whereas in the past I got attracted to CHARMING, ATTRACTIVE people who often turn out to be narcissists.

I still have narcissist friends I care about, but I know how to handle them safely, at arm's length!

Hope to learn more from you in future.

Cheers!

@nullified - I get that. I also struggle with the idea of trying again with anyone- and I always imagined myself with a partner and growing old with one and now I question if it would be better for me to remain alone, at least for a while, so I can work on healing my co-dependent ways before potentially transferring those feelings to a new person.

Particularly on the weekends my kids are w their dad, my mind also fills itself with thoughts of growing old alone- and it seems more manageable to me...knowing my relationship limitations and learning about others’ limitations and coming out of the hurt of the break makes me think it may just be safer alone. I can fill my days beyond retirement with walks on the beach, good books and keep my days busy cleaning the house, going to the gym and eventually spending time with grand babies. It’s a future I never would’ve sought before but is seeming more realistic and acceptable to me.

Yes, I do think if the AP and DA can both become self-aware and move more towards the center of the AP being less needy and more independent and the DA opening up and trusting more- meeting each other more on a middle and healthy ground, they could build on that mutual understanding and have something good. If only both self-aware and willing....big IF

Spring time will help me too so I can get outside more. Winter has always been my least favorite season and Wednesdays have always been a trigger for me, as it was a night my ex and I were always together. No contact was hard tonight and it makes me wonder if he thinks of me, too...while I wish I could forget. I guess taking it hour by hour, day by day is the best...no need for long term plans, despite my inclination to be a planner.

Your most recent comment your ex said reminded me of what my ex shared a few months ago- “there’s something wrong with me but I don’t know what it is. I’m not normal.” Unfortunately, my ex being in shut down mode would go no further than this pronouncement, so his sharing this feeling never took him or us any further toward an answer. All very frustrating and sad to me. Maybe your silence encouraged his thinking more deeply. The silence would def increase my anxiety and cause me to think more deeply. How long since you spoke to him?

I agree. Awareness and superficial change isn't enough to fix a relationship and show up as a good partner. If he's backing up words with actions for an actual amount of time -- such as he starts therapy because he wants to for himself and takes it seriously -- then you can take him seriously, too. Otherwise, being triggered to avoid abandonment can result in a lot of "proclamations" that sound good. Or even grand gestures like taking you on a lovely trip involving an airplane to convince you they're all in then dumping you again as soon as you get back. I may be speaking from personal experience...

faithopelove, I'm sorry you're struggling with no contact. I stink at no contact believe it or not, because I have so many questions that I need answers to for closure. That has not alsoway been the case- most relationships I have left I was tuned out and didn't look back, only forward. This one has been different on so many levels. That's why even tho I have told him I don't want to engage outside of conversations related to the process, (he's wanted to reinitiate time together ) I have sent him texts with specific questions. He's been willing to answer them, which puts my mind at ease about that particular thing. As I've said, I have to understand. And, I think most of us do, and it's because of what zercher said about building a narrative that makes sense and assists with healing. I think if conversations can take place for understanding it's helpful, except in the case of any pathology that would entail real lies and manipulation. I don't at all believe that is the case with insecure attachment. It's just messy.