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Post by Deleted on Feb 21, 2019 17:18:08 GMT
What I find useful... compassion to others. Parents, partners might trigger me with their behavior but they weren't born that way, they didn't choose to be that way, there's a story behind it.
When I'm in a secure state of mind, instead of being triggered or trying to pin point other's peoples "faults", I'm trying to stay mindful and to see the situation for what it is, to understand people I love.
I could go over the red flags and negative aspects of him that I "missed", but so what? Was he at fault? I chose him. I chose to ignore the red flags. Why should I be frustrated with him now? I didn't chose him because I didn't see them, I did. Can you not see them? Unless you enter the relationship prematurely, I don't believe that. I chose him for him and because of my own attachment.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 21, 2019 17:28:05 GMT
What I find useful... compassion to others. Parents, partners might trigger me with their behavior but they weren't born that way, they didn't choose to be that way, there's a story behind it. When I'm in a secure state of mind, instead of being triggered or trying to pin point other's peoples "faults", I'm trying to stay mindful and to see the situation for what it is, to understand people I love. I don't have a problem with the compassion piece, as evdidenced by the hours I spent responding compassionately. What I need is boundaries for what I will allow another person to lay on me, and expect me to soothe instead of finding healthier ways to manage their anxiety. The more secure mindset for me personally is to not allow myself to be relied upon to address problems that are not mine to address, as a matter of unhealthy dependence upon me. Trying not to be the bad guy in that regard has gotten me stuck. I need to be compassionately assertive to protect my own time and energy and focus. It's clear to me that is the path of growth for myself. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 21, 2019 17:31:09 GMT
What I find useful... compassion to others. Parents, partners might trigger me with their behavior but they weren't born that way, they didn't choose to be that way, there's a story behind it. When I'm in a secure state of mind, instead of being triggered or trying to pin point other's peoples "faults", I'm trying to stay mindful and to see the situation for what it is, to understand people I love. I don't have a problem with the compassion piece, as evdidenced by the hours I spent responding compassionately. What I need is boundaries for what I will allow another person to lay on me, and expect me to soothe instead of finding healthier ways to manage their anxiety. The more secure mindset for me personally is to not allow myself to be relied upon to address problems that are not mine to address, as a matter of unhealthy dependence upon me. Trying not to be the bad guy in that regard has gotten me stuck. I need to be compassionately assertive to protect my own time and energy and focus. It's clear to me that is the path of growth for myself. I was just sharing my own thoughts and I didn't say one should let others to walk over them. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 21, 2019 18:54:10 GMT
What I find useful... compassion to others. Parents, partners might trigger me with their behavior but they weren't born that way, they didn't choose to be that way, there's a story behind it. When I'm in a secure state of mind, instead of being triggered or trying to pin point other's peoples "faults", I'm trying to stay mindful and to see the situation for what it is, to understand people I love. I could go over the red flags and negative aspects of him that I "missed", but so what? Was he at fault? I chose him. I chose to ignore the red flags. Why should I be frustrated with him now? I didn't chose him because I didn't see them, I did. Can you not see them? Unless you enter the relationship prematurely, I don't believe that. I chose him for him and because of my own attachment. Uh, well of course. That's the purpose of this thread, understand what I participated in, what was not healthy for me, and correct that. Do your own process however works best for you. I have no issue with expressing my thoughts and feelings about the behaviors I found to be toxic to me, the main point of my process however is to make better decisions for myself and continue to work on my own attachment. Best of luck to you! |
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Post by sissyk on Feb 22, 2019 0:44:49 GMT
thank you faithopelove. I struggle with the idea of trying again, obviously. My natural flow is to think in terms of being solitary for the long term and now I'm conflicted because I really liked what we had (when it was good, of course). He pursued me and that, I guess, would be typical... he gave us the juice that I lack on my own in terms of being able to build a relationship. I do know that if I ever do this again I need a counterpart that can make up what I lack, I cannot imagine being able to grow so different that I can successfully put something together, I need another set of skills. But with a good helper to provide a framework I am able to show up very well. Otherwise my mind fills up with imagining all the things I might do as a solitary person but that doesn't feel great all the time. I used to really relax into the idea of growing old by myself but now I see that has to do with fear of loss and getting attached. I know that because when I think of growing old with someone and them dying I would rather avert that. So I talk myself out of it. But I was fine with the idea of getting old with him because I was being present and just loving on him the best I could instead of planning things out and looking into the future. I'm rambling. I guess I don't have to figure it all out right now. Even getting closer to secure I can't imagine it ever being easy, or natural for me to pursue this. I think that is why DA do end up with more anxious types, because there are certain skills there that we lack. But it has to be closer to center, with both participants. I could see mostly secure recovered healthy DA with mostly secure and healthy recovered AP, but do these unicorns really exist lol. Maybe a secure could help me, If they are just naturally the relationship centric type. I have to kind of have someone build a nest for me to land in I guess but once I'm there I am feathering it. If that makes sense. I'm totally unsure what the future holds for me with all that. Right now I have some rewarding projects I'm working on, work is going well, I'm healthy and strong, things are ok. I typically find some new skill to develop when I set out on my own again so I will think about what I want to do. And. just try to keep working on feelings so I don't get or stay in a rut of negativity. I do feel cloudy and a little gray .I don't feel fresh and relaxed yet. Springtime will help. No doubt. @nullified - I get that. I also struggle with the idea of trying again with anyone- and I always imagined myself with a partner and growing old with one and now I question if it would be better for me to remain alone, at least for a while, so I can work on healing my co-dependent ways before potentially transferring those feelings to a new person. Particularly on the weekends my kids are w their dad, my mind also fills itself with thoughts of growing old alone- and it seems more manageable to me...knowing my relationship limitations and learning about others’ limitations and coming out of the hurt of the break makes me think it may just be safer alone. I can fill my days beyond retirement with walks on the beach, good books and keep my days busy cleaning the house, going to the gym and eventually spending time with grand babies. It’s a future I never would’ve sought before but is seeming more realistic and acceptable to me. Yes, I do think if the AP and DA can both become self-aware and move more towards the center of the AP being less needy and more independent and the DA opening up and trusting more- meeting each other more on a middle and healthy ground, they could build on that mutual understanding and have something good. If only both self-aware and willing....big IF Spring time will help me too so I can get outside more. Winter has always been my least favorite season and Wednesdays have always been a trigger for me, as it was a night my ex and I were always together. No contact was hard tonight and it makes me wonder if he thinks of me, too...while I wish I could forget. I guess taking it hour by hour, day by day is the best...no need for long term plans, despite my inclination to be a planner. Your most recent comment your ex said reminded me of what my ex shared a few months ago- “there’s something wrong with me but I don’t know what it is. I’m not normal.” Unfortunately, my ex being in shut down mode would go no further than this pronouncement, so his sharing this feeling never took him or us any further toward an answer. All very frustrating and sad to me. Maybe your silence encouraged his thinking more deeply. The silence would def increase my anxiety and cause me to think more deeply. How long since you spoke to him? Don't outdrive your headlights, FHL! Going no contact and taking some time to shore yourself up from this break doesn't mean you will be a solitary figure walking a beach in your older years.  |
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Post by faithopelove on Feb 22, 2019 1:16:36 GMT
@nullified - I get that. I also struggle with the idea of trying again with anyone- and I always imagined myself with a partner and growing old with one and now I question if it would be better for me to remain alone, at least for a while, so I can work on healing my co-dependent ways before potentially transferring those feelings to a new person. Particularly on the weekends my kids are w their dad, my mind also fills itself with thoughts of growing old alone- and it seems more manageable to me...knowing my relationship limitations and learning about others’ limitations and coming out of the hurt of the break makes me think it may just be safer alone. I can fill my days beyond retirement with walks on the beach, good books and keep my days busy cleaning the house, going to the gym and eventually spending time with grand babies. It’s a future I never would’ve sought before but is seeming more realistic and acceptable to me. Yes, I do think if the AP and DA can both become self-aware and move more towards the center of the AP being less needy and more independent and the DA opening up and trusting more- meeting each other more on a middle and healthy ground, they could build on that mutual understanding and have something good. If only both self-aware and willing....big IF Spring time will help me too so I can get outside more. Winter has always been my least favorite season and Wednesdays have always been a trigger for me, as it was a night my ex and I were always together. No contact was hard tonight and it makes me wonder if he thinks of me, too...while I wish I could forget. I guess taking it hour by hour, day by day is the best...no need for long term plans, despite my inclination to be a planner. Your most recent comment your ex said reminded me of what my ex shared a few months ago- “there’s something wrong with me but I don’t know what it is. I’m not normal.” Unfortunately, my ex being in shut down mode would go no further than this pronouncement, so his sharing this feeling never took him or us any further toward an answer. All very frustrating and sad to me. Maybe your silence encouraged his thinking more deeply. The silence would def increase my anxiety and cause me to think more deeply. How long since you spoke to him? Don't outdrive your headlights, FHL! Going no contact and taking some time to shore yourself up from this break doesn't mean you will be a solitary figure walking a beach in your older years. - ha, don’t outdrive my headlights?! Never heard that expression but I do tend to think futuristic. I’m feeling...a lot. Sometimes liberated and strong feeling I made the right choice for myself, almost indignant that he thought he could have me with no commitment and mad at myself for allowing it so long....other times I feel weak and miss him so much with a strong impulse to reach out. I’m trying to build myself up each day to stay the course. I’m not good at this... |
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Post by alexandra on Feb 22, 2019 1:21:29 GMT
I’m feeling...a lot. Sometimes liberated and strong feeling I made the right choice for myself, almost indignant that he thought he could have me with no commitment and mad at myself for allowing it so long....other times I feel weak and miss him so much with a strong impulse to reach out. I’m trying to build myself up each day to stay the course. I’m not good at this... Perfectly normal range of feelings at this point. I've been there, flipping through all of that. You're doing fine so far. Even if you don't feel good at it, you're just where you should be at the moment. You'll feel like you made the right choice more often as time passes. |
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Post by faithopelove on Feb 22, 2019 1:24:34 GMT
I’m feeling...a lot. Sometimes liberated and strong feeling I made the right choice for myself, almost indignant that he thought he could have me with no commitment and mad at myself for allowing it so long....other times I feel weak and miss him so much with a strong impulse to reach out. I’m trying to build myself up each day to stay the course. I’m not good at this... Perfectly normal range of feelings at this point. I've been there, flipping through all of that. You're doing fine so far. Even if you don't feel good at it, you're just where you should be at the moment. You'll feel like you made the right choice more often as time passes. , thank you 🌺 That’s what I’m hoping- that time will eventually free me 💗🙏🏻 |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 22, 2019 14:03:28 GMT
Perfectly normal range of feelings at this point. I've been there, flipping through all of that. You're doing fine so far. Even if you don't feel good at it, you're just where you should be at the moment. You'll feel like you made the right choice more often as time passes. , thank you 🌺 That’s what I’m hoping- that time will eventually free me 💗🙏🏻 FHL, the way I view these kinds of things is, just like every other thing that passed and is a mere memory now- this will dissolve with time. The fantasy and the wishes are just that- fantasies and wishes. Its a process to come to terms with things as they are, as they were, as they NEVER were. One could say, that once, it was great. But really. Truly. Great things stand the test of time, and don't crumble under our feet. Great things go through changes and become greater, not more and more wrong for us. This man was never your best fit- your best fit will evolve with you, as a willfully optimistic pursuer of life and all its blessings, like YOU. m. You'll pursue those things together. It's not his time but you can make it yours. What you do with this time is critical. Look back only to understand missteps. Don't long for what wasn't on offer. You didn't walk away from a good thing, you walked away from the gradual erosion of something that doesn't nourish and support you, something that can't return to you what you put into it. Stay centered the best you can and let the emotional wind blow, this too shall pass. |
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Post by faithopelove on Feb 22, 2019 21:53:32 GMT
alexandra, thank you 🌺 That’s what I’m hoping- that time will eventually free me 💗🙏🏻 FHL, the way I view these kinds of things is, just like every other thing that passed and is a mere memory now- this will dissolve with time. The fantasy and the wishes are just that- fantasies and wishes. Its a process to come to terms with things as they are, as they were, as they NEVER were. One could say, that once, it was great. But really. Truly. Great things stand the test of time, and don't crumble under our feet. Great things go through changes and become greater, not more and more wrong for us. This man was never your best fit- your best fit will evolve with you, as a willfully optimistic pursuer of life and all its blessings, like YOU. m. You'll pursue those things together. It's not his time but you can make it yours. What you do with this time is critical. Look back only to understand missteps. Don't long for what wasn't on offer. You didn't walk away from a good thing, you walked away from the gradual erosion of something that doesn't nourish and support you, something that can't return to you what you put into it. Stay centered the best you can and let the emotional wind blow, this too shall pass. @nullified - Very true, I’m letting go of someone who left me several months ago. The right one for me won’t leave. My logical side recognizes that...but I still get this wave of sadness. I don’t regret the time I was with him when things were good- I do regret settling for bread crumbs and rejection for 16 months. I’ve gotten over people in the past, though so I can do it again. Thx for the reminder 💗 |
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Post by sissyk on Feb 23, 2019 0:27:32 GMT
The wave of sadness is part of the process. Totally normal. It only means that you are coming to terms with the fact you cared deeply for someone and you honor that by grieving its loss.
We are all growing and being brave doing so here on this forum and that is the richest stuff of life.
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Post by sissyk on Feb 23, 2019 0:29:16 GMT
alexandra, thank you 🌺 That’s what I’m hoping- that time will eventually free me 💗🙏🏻 FHL, the way I view these kinds of things is, just like every other thing that passed and is a mere memory now- this will dissolve with time. The fantasy and the wishes are just that- fantasies and wishes. Its a process to come to terms with things as they are, as they were, as they NEVER were. One could say, that once, it was great. But really. Truly. Great things stand the test of time, and don't crumble under our feet. Great things go through changes and become greater, not more and more wrong for us. This man was never your best fit- your best fit will evolve with you, as a willfully optimistic pursuer of life and all its blessings, like YOU. m. You'll pursue those things together. It's not his time but you can make it yours. What you do with this time is critical. Look back only to understand missteps. Don't long for what wasn't on offer. You didn't walk away from a good thing, you walked away from the gradual erosion of something that doesn't nourish and support you, something that can't return to you what you put into it. Stay centered the best you can and let the emotional wind blow, this too shall pass. Well said! |
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Post by faithopelove on Feb 23, 2019 0:34:56 GMT
The wave of sadness is part of the process. Totally normal. It only means that you are coming to terms with the fact you cared deeply for someone and you honor that by grieving its loss. We are all growing and being brave doing so here on this forum and that is the richest stuff of life. Yes, we are brave! Thx sissyk ❤️ |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2019 4:08:56 GMT
Don't outdrive your headlights, FHL! Going no contact and taking some time to shore yourself up from this break doesn't mean you will be a solitary figure walking a beach in your older years. - ha, don’t outdrive my headlights?! Never heard that expression but I do tend to think futuristic. I’m feeling...a lot. Sometimes liberated and strong feeling I made the right choice for myself, almost indignant that he thought he could have me with no commitment and mad at myself for allowing it so long....other times I feel weak and miss him so much with a strong impulse to reach out. I’m trying to build myself up each day to stay the course. I’m not good at this... yea, I struggle with this, sometimes even within a day. but i remind myself of the commitment i made to myself to be a better person first and foremost, and if it i'm not truly and stably centered enough, i shouldn't reach out. there's no point. |
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Post by faithopelove on Feb 23, 2019 4:13:14 GMT
sissyk - ha, don’t outdrive my headlights?! Never heard that expression but I do tend to think futuristic. I’m feeling...a lot. Sometimes liberated and strong feeling I made the right choice for myself, almost indignant that he thought he could have me with no commitment and mad at myself for allowing it so long....other times I feel weak and miss him so much with a strong impulse to reach out. I’m trying to build myself up each day to stay the course. I’m not good at this... yea, I struggle with this, sometimes even within a day. but i remind myself of the commitment i made to myself to be a better person first and foremost, and if it i'm not truly and stably centered enough, i shouldn't reach out. there's no point. Yes, and also no point if he’s unwilling to talk about us or how to improve things. |
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