A little annoyed at the ex

Yes to both of you, I dealt with this, too. When someone's inconsistent and always moving the goal posts, red flag!

Getting away from the emotional reaction to all this (which I don't find problematic, by the way, as long as I am not inflicting it on him or anyone else and just feeling and acknowledging it) - I think I have had a kind of eureka moment to understand something about my own reactions to the conflict and upheaval.

All of the input on this thread really helps me understand the FA-type deactivation vs DA deactivation, in ME. This is just about what I see going on IN ME, and I am not trying to apply it to anyone else. The life trap information really makes it clear that each of us, within our attachment types, will have variations of feeling and reactions influenced by our strongest traps. For example, someone with a strong punitive trap might think and behave in ways that are punitive, when triggered. Someone with a strong abuse trap, as I have, may think and behave in ways that are influenced by self protection and actual safety fears. The variations could be infinite, based on personal life experience and the strongest traps operating.

My self preservation deactivation as a DA avoids emotional loss or conflict by shrinking away. However, when faced with the conflict that arose with my ex, when he would make a sudden shift and become provocative with criticism, or coldness or whatever, I believe I responded from a more FA place, with anger. The DA deactivation feels more like sadness and some kind of oppression, internally, a paralyzing fear of loss or a sense of isolation in the presence of someone, which I withdraw quietly to soothe.
Deactivating from conflict, for me, comes more from anger and survival- feeling attacked and defending myself, or realizing that another strong trap, self-sacrifice, has led me into self sabotage perhaps and I am feeling wronged and that I wronged myself by overgiving and over trusting and and not honoring myself.

There is a distinct difference in how I deactivate from conflict and fight-picking, and how I (used to ) deactivate from intimacy, (which I actually enjoy and thrive with now) or how I deactivate from general stress and not having enough solitude in which to recharge and be in touch with the resources within myself, which are still important to me.

So I really appreciate those who have shared their internal experiences with triggers and deactivation, as it's helping me refine my understanding of my own reactions and how I can perhaps begin to heal the trap in myself that inspires the reaction in me.

Mostly me, as well, except in instances of perceived aggression. Have you been the target of abuse? I am just trying to piece together my reactions and develop some way to possibly address them. Thank you for your input.

Actually, I move into the blank after that as soon as I am away.

I'm sorry.  I also relate to the experience that what I had to do to fit in was not be me, only it was in my original family.  I am extremely different from all of them, one extrovert and they, 5 introverts, and I was very alienated in our strange and abusive dynamic. 

So I'm an extrovert who suffers from a very strong social isolation trap.  Suuuuuuppppeeerrrr. 

I have just read (or begun to) in the general general forum a thread on healing disorganized, that conflict can trigger this element of attachment injury. I only feel the adrenalized reaction and deactivation when I WANT connection, love, attachment, safety.  It's an intimate relationship trigger, not a general life one.

Ah, untangling knots, or trying to. 

Hey nullified...as I was reading this post...I related....somewhat....I am truthfully in awe at how objective you are about the whole thing and how you prioritized yourself. When B and I were dating...the doubts started pretty early....only he would never tell me what they were...just stated he had “doubts”. This for an AP is absolutely disastrous because whatever remains unclair...well...I will create a story for it....even if the story is blatantly untrue and is based off of random information that I conveniently club together...I will still create and buy into it. Three months in, he was drunk one night and said something about me being 3 steps ahead of him...it was a breakup talk...but in a moment of non APness...I said “ok, just make sure whoever you end up with supports your dreams”. The next day I got invited to meet his best friend, the day after that I met his parents...it was surreal. We had this pattern...things were great for a while...then he would express more doubts....things were great..then more doubts. In April he invited me to stay over at his sister’s. I thought that was a positive sign...but after playing a game he came up with and his sister and family going to bed, he disappeared. When he came back, I could tell something was up. I asked if was about me, he shoke his head,I asked again and that is when he told me that he wanted to break up. I was devastated. Here we were in a place I felt I could not leave trying to be ok...but unlike you....I did not take the road to consider myself first. Everything I did post breakup was incredibly self hurtful. I left the community we met at, even though I had been there longer, because I thought he needed the community more, I accepted friendship hoping it might lead back to a second chance...but has led to seeing him only when it is convenient for him. In any case...I don’t want to take over your post, just wanted to say I relate..and I agree that your ex is FA.

The Red Flags:

He idealized me, and the relationship. I felt uncomfortable with the constant praise and glowing asesments of myself, and at first attributed it to just the glow of the emotions of a new relationship. It was uncomfortable because I did not feel seen and accepted for who I know myself to be: Good innsome areas, lacking in others, and okay nonetheless. Also, in failing to see me objectively, I felt he was unable to see my life objectively also. Things that didn't fit his narrative of perfection were rejected, minimized, or denied. Lesson learned? When you fall off the pedestal by failing to meet the expectation, the crash is painful.

He expressed anxiety over his place in my priorities while failing to make me a priority by being consumed between his own ears instead of being present and engaged and enjoying me and our relationship IN REAL TIME.

He communicated poorly, and I always had to ask for clarification because he said one thing and did another, or claimed needlessness when I know for a fact every human has needs. He claimed to be low maintenance and was the highest maintenance person I ever dated. He claimed to have no unhappiness or stress while expressing it all the time. I learned that it wasn't his communication that was all over the place and needed improvement: he himself was all over the place and was communicating haphazardly because his thinking and emotional states were haphazard and disconnected. The conflicting words matched his conflicts. Perfectly. He really did mean what he said, which meant that his meaning was convoluted. What I learned, is to take words at face value and if they make no sense, the situation makes no sense. Confusion itself is a red flag.

Note to self: Someone who doesn't know their needs and advocate for them, is not able to make themselves happy and is looking for you to do that for them. Since they don't know their needs they cannot communicate them, which means, unless you are skilled and interested in mind reading, you will fail to make them happy and not have any idea why. If someone doesn't care about their happiness enough to work for it, you shouldn't either. It's a losing game.  

Someone who doesn't advocate for their needs likely has little experience with boundaries and will trample yours.  There is a lack of compassion and empathy for themselves and others in this regard. Not that it isn't there, necessarily.. but that it is ineffectively expressed or not evident . 

He was a poor listener. I can't tell if he heard me and ignored details passive aggressively or if he just missed details because his mind was somewhere else.

He has low self esteem. This means, that he is not comfortable being himself so I realize, I don't know who his self is and I was in love with someone I didnt know. I realized this over time. Getting to know him, I believed in and was attracted to his confidence and how he seemed to feel comfortable in his own skin. His low self esteem and abandonment issues ultimately had him creating a wall of "reject before rejected" when he perceived a threat of loss, which I never want to experience again. The pain of someone else's low self esteem can really take a chunk out of you.

The words "I don't deserve you" spoken in play or seriously, mean "I will not have you." It ultimately means you'll be rejected because they really don't believe they deserve you. You can't change someone's mind, even when it comes to this. It also means, you've likely been idealized. These words are the ultimate twist because they are spoken by a person who believes they are true while pursuing you anyway and making promises they can't keep.

alexandra , I am working on the same things - working out how I adapted to the stress instead of making a healthier choice earlier on when I recognized I was adapting rather than being authentic.  I was over-tolerant of some things.  My relationship was shorter than yours, but the first that I was able to encounter with a good level of availability and openness, and emotional truth and sharing.  I was quite optimistic.  My level of avoidance did not increase during the relationship, which I count as growth. What I mean is, that I didn't shut down and tread water.  I was actively aware and making effort to meet halfway.  Where I went wrong is over-accommodating, I think.  I tried harder instead of throwing in the towel, and that's because I have and am aware of my own abandonment issue, with a strong desire to overcome my own isolation and build a healthy bond.  So I will work on addressing the pain that I feel in terms of what *feels like betrayal, what *feels like abandonment, what *feels like being manipulated.... although I'm not saying that he was intentionally hurting me.  The relationship scraped at those old wounds, and I tried to patch the old stuff up by putting loads of spackle on the dysfunction I was encountering.  That didn't work. Clearly. lol.

I didn't want to lose this, and I fought losing it. It's been painful. I don't feel like it's resolved in me. I have had typical avoidant reactions, such as, thinking the answer is to stay single FOREVER. And that alternates with a deep sadness at that idea. I think that is because I am getting more secure and can validate for myself that I want and enjoy intimacy and a shared life. I was able to be with this man in ways I had not been able to be with any other man, we had more in terms of a relationship than I have experienced before and I loved that, it felt like I finally found a kind of home or sanctuary with someone else instead of just by myself. So I have had a hard time letting go. You wouldn't know it perhaps, because I broke up, I have created distance, I have understood and acted on the reality of our incompatibility. But I'm not over it. Even though it's as dead as a doornail and I know it. I guess this is just the process.

So, I'm just working through it. It's not devastating but it's on my mind way too much. I want to be done. I feel disappointed. I haven't fully transitioned back to my own life without what I was hoping for with him. It still stings in some ways. It feels hopeful and liberating in some ways too- I just still feel the loss without any thought that it can be fixed. It can't be fixed.