“I’ve suddenly fallen out of love” Rant

happy  tnr9

Ok so here are my thoughts, as an FA. While they exist, I don't know if there are really THAT many of us who go through our lives running through relationship after relationship where we fall out of love overnight or just never develop feelings for the person. It's often much more complex, subtle or infrequent than that. However, I do know the type you are talking about. Some people do seem to have such a pattern that seems like it should be an obvious clue to do some introspection and find out why this is happening, so it can appear to an outsider that they must be being willfully ignorant. And maybe they are to a degree in some cases. I think self-insight can be very difficult for many people. And scary!

I am a very introspective person with relatively good self-insight, who is constantly working on personal growth and trying to have better relationships, and even after learning about attachment theory it still took me a good while to realize I was FA (and not just AP), and I remember being freaked out when I realized. Some people are not in a place where they can face their demons. So they believe every justification their mind tells them for their avoidance. And if they're like me, they might surround themselves with other people of their attachment type, which can help stop them from realizing not everyone feels/behaves like they do. I remember, before I knew anything about attachment theory, getting plenty of bad advice from insecure-attacher friends or being told by them that I was perfectly normal. I really don't know how I eventually started reading about attachment theory and found this forum, but I bet I was Googling something about people suddenly breaking up with you out of nowhere, since that had happened to me. I was certainly not Googling my own FA traits, except maybe "inability to get over an ex" or something like that.

Now, the guy that triggered my Googling, he had some of the history you mentioned, he thought everything was objectively great and that I was cool and sexy and smart and all that stuff but he perplexingly just didn't love me and suddenly felt an urge to end things and chalked it up to me just not being "the right person", love being a "mysterious" thing, etc. But here's the thing, he felt this was the ONLY time this had ever happened to him because typically he just finds some reason to break up with someone as they start getting close, like running at the first minor fight or finding something to dislike about them. He just couldn't conjure up a reason with me.

Another man I knew had a history of REPEATEDLY waking up one day and ending serious long-term relationships because he got a sudden feeling to flee. I'm not too sure what he thought or felt about that, but I do know he realized it was something "abnormal" about him and I doubt he ever thought to try to find help.

But I think you might be mistaken about this necessarily feeling bad (and that it should therefore prompt people to seek help). I think for many of us it can feel like a relief. Avoidant people feel safer avoiding.

So I guess that while I feel that having attachment issues doesn't excuse someone from being an inconsiderate jerk or preclude them from working on themselves, I can definitely see why many people don't realize what is going on with them or wonder if it's something they can change, or think to do an internet search on the topic. 

Avoiding feels safe, yes, but what also amazes me is how many people especially here, seem to think that avoidants leave because they were "afraid" of "love" as if, things were just so intimate and good the avoidant just naturally deactivated 😂. Ok, I just don't get that. The whole fear thing is way overplayed in that regard in my opinion. It's complicated and very difficult to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it. I leave due to a threat to my security in myself, maybe, but that threat isn't "intimacy" in the true sense of the word. Love is frightening because of the fear of loss associated with it, for me- but that will cause me to preemptively avoid it, and in doing so I've chosen partners equally unhealthy (makes sense! you really do attract and become attracted to what you're ready for, that goes for anxious and avoidant alike) . In choosing unhealthy emotionally unavailable partners, I've been in and left dysfunction. Yes yes I understand an avoidant can trigger a secure but more often I believe insecures meet their own level. More likely , with a secure, emotional availability will be uncomfortable for the avoidant and they will sabotage it.
Just an opinion, maybe you get me happyidiot , I don't know, I need to have my coffee lol.

Avoiding feels safe, yes, but what also amazes me is how many people especially here, seem to think that avoidants leave because they were "afraid" of "love" as if, things were just so intimate and good the avoidant just naturally deactivated 😂. Ok, I just don't get that. The whole fear thing is way overplayed in that regard in my opinion. It's complicated and very difficult to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it. I leave due to a threat to my security in myself, maybe, but that threat isn't "intimacy" in the true sense of the word. Love is frightening because of the fear of loss associated with it, for me- but that will cause me to preemptively avoid it, and in doing so I've chosen partners equally unhealthy (makes sense! you really do attract and become attracted to what you're ready for, that goes for anxious and avoidant alike) . In choosing unhealthy emotionally unavailable partners, I've been in and left dysfunction. Yes yes I understand an avoidant can trigger a secure but more often I believe insecures meet their own level. More likely , with a secure, emotional availability will be uncomfortable for the avoidant and they will sabotage it.
Just an opinion, maybe you get me happyidiot , I don't know, I need to have my coffee lol.