Break up...again.

I'm at 40% of the book "avoidant, how to love or leave.." and I can say it's quite eye opening for my AP. Kinda hard to admit some things to myself which is very constructive once I do, and also I'm kinda happy I don't show some of the traits anymore (or at least I think I don't). Still don't understand why so many DA/AP relationships last for so long, since noone is getting what they want. I've been reading more stories here and although it's always nice in a sad way, to see more people going through what I am, I still don't get it.

Also, although I do see that my ex has tons of DA traits, I think he also has empathy. I haven't really figured out of he's a mix FA/DA, or if he's just a "garden variety", like the book calls the ones that are on the lowest part of the spectrum. Or I just don't know him well. The book really portraits DAs as some sort of monsters, when they aren't really.

I've been having thoughts as to what he really wants from me. Was he asking to just be friends again so we can start over because it became too much? I do know that he values our friendship. Yet, the day after we talked about it, he was pretty clear that he can't emotionally attached with anyone and that's not my burden to bear. But before that, he said "I hope you didn't take what I said last night the wrong way." ?! What is the wrong way of "let's continue what we're doing but without the sex."?! Unfortunately we were both drunk, so I was in no position at that moment of the BU to reply and ask the questions I would love to ask now. At the same time, after reading all this, I'm proud my survival mode got activated and I got out of there first thing in the morning. As an AP in last relationships, I would've stayed and probably caved for what he was offering, which is something I can't do.

I'm just probably looking for hope and treating this unfortunately as a break, rather than a BU because I'm in denial. But this forum is helping understand that o did make the right decision. If it's meant to be, if we truly shared a great connection, it will be.

Thanks for your reply @sherry! I needed that.

I was a bit in a rush to lay down the things I thought were more important, so I may have miscalculated the dates, in tolal it was 2.5 months, not that it makes any difference, it still is indeed too soon. It probably is infactuation and my AP in charge of it. I still do believe we have a very good connection, friendship wise, as that's what it was mostly about. Sex was in the picture but scarce, I was the more active one on that part. We spent a lot of time together alone and with company. Had deep conversations, and I do think I got to know him well. I'm not saying enough to establish a loving relationship, but well enough to see that at least as people we share important life views and values and we don't just have favorite series in common.

I've never met a guy I could connect like this on an intellectual/spiritual level. It's like we have lived through life with the same values and ideas and came to the same conclusions. This is also what makes me believe that a friendship might occur naturally, although I'm not actively striving for one now, nor hoping, which is progressing for my AP tbh.

I also need to clarify that he didn't exactly "confess his love", it was more like "I love this girl, she's amazing" to a friend and there was a drunk "I love you" too but I don't count that. And yes there was a lot of alcohol involved, because apparently, he can't open up without it. Yeah, I see the red flag lol.

So I do agree it is mostly infatuation. Still hard to get over, but I think it won't take THAT long. And yes he is flaky and that's why I'm in no mood to break NC, even though today, I've been dying for him texting.

As for his DA traits, because I too am questioning whether or not he actually is one, and that's the reason I found this place, to get answers (guilty as charged), so thank you!
Every time we got closer, he pulled away. He said I was needy(at that point I don't think I was, but I'm not objective), he did not like PDA much, although he did hold my hand sometimes, he wasn't really into physical affection, he needed his space, he didn't text much except for when he was trying to win me back where it gradually increased, he claims he will be forever single and he can't handle relationships, his parents did raise him to be independent and he values that, he said things like "well I didn't like it, but that's what made me strong". He seems confident but he really is insecure and he does mentally check out sometimes when someone else is sharing. Those are the things I can come up with now.

On the other hand, he does have close friends, he shows empathy as far as I've seen, he is sensitive and although he does need his space, he gradually was asking to see me more. In the beginning it was two days in a row a week, then it went to 3-5, after that "it became too serious" and he "can't do relationships" but did make it exclusive on his own.

Any insight is very much welcomed!

mamut, I would caution you against spending one minute analyzing his attachment style or behavior, and train your mind back to yours. That's why you are in this predicament- your own AP fantasy and clinging and relationship -dependency.
AP's seem to project their own attachment into their absent partner if they get lonely enough, I've seen some AP invent stories that their absent partner really does want the relationship that they do but are just "afraid of love". It's really sad!
You could read something about an avoidant like "They really do want connection" or "They are afraid of intimacy" and twist that around in your AP mind to mean "He really wants connection with ME, I HOPE, I WANT TO BELIEVE, I mean, t here was that one time he told someone he loved me!" or "He's afraid of that intimacy we shared although I might be stretching the meaning of the word intimacy, it was a deep conversation between two relative strangers and alcohol was involved but it FELT intimate to me plus we had sex that time and he seemed like it wasn't just f*@king. He just needs alcohol to show his true feelings... those mushy things he slurred were the outpouring of his avoidant love starved heart, that I can feed with my love because we have a connection... I feel it. Yes this can work if I love hard enough.... where is he?!"

I don't know what it's really like inside the AP mind but that is what it looks like to me observing and it's a total mind game. I think it's really best to just focus on why that all is happening in the mind... Anxious Preoccupation with a partner that needs to be addressed.

Need to add: I actually took the test again and it showed I have fearful avoidant tendencies too, maybe that's why I don't reveal too much. I have never begged, I have rarely questioned any partner, hey, I don't even double text. Can't wait to find more info

In reply to what you said in the last post about being detected by a partner .... YES.  Even DA's have a sense of other people- the literature is written in such a weird way.  It's just weird, and I know it's because it wasn't written with first hand knowledge by DA's!  Or even FA's.  OF COURSE all that obsessive thinking and stress and anxiety and illusion is apparent on the outside.  Most avoidant shave empathy, are sensitive , can see.  We aren't total aliens haha!
 It isn't hidden well , even if you don't mention it.  It feels heavy, from the outside.. and of course needy and unboundaried.  

All of the insecure attachment styles come off as insecure. It's no secret! It's really best to take care of your own psychology in these things, because it's also apparent when an AP is acting out by focusing on the object of their obsession.

You sound very aware, honest, and open to the experience of fixing all this and it seems as if you are further down the road than you might realize. You're not even defending your illusions, which is huge. You're not all triggered by the feedback, you're just trying to help yourself and not push back on others trying to help, I bet you will make huge progress, and quickly.

@sherry "the littature is written in such a weird way....." - what do you mean by that statement ?