Break up...again.

I also hate how most APs just keep blaming avoidants without looking inwards to see their (our) own faults. I think it's not only human nature, but AP style is more acceptable in our society as it seems more romantic when it is FAR from that.

I'm on other forums too, not connected to attachment styles and after my mini study about them, I am starting to identify patterns in the way people reply to other people's problems and they are leaning towards AP mostly.

I'm also interested in the stats of gender as to attachment styles as I noticed APs are mostly female and Avoidants male, which it comes to no surprise in our patriarchal society.

Attachment theory is interesting...but it does not account for all our choices and a person is more then AP, DA or FA.  Thus, I try to stay away from broad statements, recognizing that I can only speak to my own experiences from my own childhood and what drives me.🙂

A great case in point, my initial posts were written prior to my diagnosis of low serotonin.  I have spent literally decades thinking that all of my circular thoughts, obsession etc was tied to AP...but since being diagnosed and having been on medication....i am much less obsessional (and when I do go down the rabbit hole, it does not last nearly as long) and have access to “reason” whereas before, I was incredibly stuck in emotions.  It is quite natural to seek that one answer to explain behaviors...but through my own experience...I realize that attachment theory is not the whole picture.

mamut, AP attachment often forms when the primary adult caretakers respond to the child's needs inconsistently. Sometimes they're met, sometimes not. Having an AP caretaker can cause that issue -- say, sometimes they are attuned to the child, but sometimes the child stresses them out and they get triggered (ie oh no, my child is crying, I blame myself for being a bad parent, anxiety spirals and neither the parent nor child can emotionally self regulate). They then want to child to externally regulate them because the parent is unable to do that for themselves. Or they enmesh with the child and don't have good boundaries, so the child doesn't have enough space to feel independent and able to feel whole and confident in themselves and their own opinions. The child usually blames themselves for feeling unsafe or uncomfortable and does not blame the caretaker, and tries to find the magic behavior formula to get the response they want, which lays the foundation for codependency.

A lot of this stuff does stem from multi- generational trauma, and many generations of insecure parents who raised insecure children. Having an abusive parent somewhere up the line, who created an AP child, who then has a child (grandchild) can definitely create an issue as there is baggage unintentionally put on that grandchild that isn't their own, especially if that grandchild also has a relationship with the original abuser.

Understanding your family dynamics are definitely a good place to start! Good for you for taking on that work for yourself.

Some tips for the ap:
jebkinnison.boards.net/thread/1072/healing-ambivalent-attatchment-tips-tricks

mamut, as I said, it sounds like you're on the right path and taking the right early steps (looking inward, working on it with your therapist, wanting to put in the effort), so it's totally possible for you to heal and re-wire your attachment patterns. I was able to earn secure from AP -- it will still take a lot of work and time, and it's not a linear path at one steady speed so will still feel frustrating at times since it's a process, but it's definitely doable! Keep going

An element of your success will be staying in your lane with all this, also. What I mean is, your own attachment style is what has you in knots and loops with dysfunctional relating. It's one thing to have a broad understanding of how you fit with someone else's dysfunction . It's another to go analyzing and deciphering an ex partner to try to understand exactly how they tick, what they are thinking, and how they feel. If you catch yourself giving much energy at all to analyzing an ex, beyond understanding that they are simply unavailable, you might remind yourself that preoccupation won a partner or ex partner is a symptom of your dysfunction. Anxious preoccupation is named so for a reason, and yet I've seen many many threads here written by people claiming to be working on themselves but analyzing the crap out of their absent ex, or their avoidant partner. That's anxious preoccupation in action and some stay stuck in it for a long long time. There is no crime in that, it harms no one but themselves, and it may well be part of their process to do that until they know how to do differently. But I do believe, and this is just my opinion, that the more you focus on he bullet list of your dysfunctional behaviors and thoughts, the less likely you will be to act them out instead of actually transforming them.

So, if you know that you analyze the crap out of relationships and people to your detriment, and you notice yourself doing it, don't make excuses to continue saying that this is unique, you have a connection, you just can't help yourself. As you have said, if you have a real and healthy connection it will survive you getting healthier. Staying unhealthy will enable an unhealthy connection.

I'm not writing as a recovering AP here, I'm not trying to say I know exactly what it's like, I'm just making an observation from some glancing around at this forum. Some people use it to actually gain insight into themselves and grow, and some use it as a way to stay stuck and obsess. You're free to do it however suits you and absolutely can work your own process how you like, I'm just offering support because it seems as though you really are on fire to improve your relationships. I have done that and it all was an inside job. It is totally doable if you have kind of a plan, some accountability to what you learn, some faith, good support, and perseverance. Some of his stuff is very painful and that's really just another great reason to take it seriously and work hard to change it. We all grow at our own pace but there are things you can do to help yourself along. It seems the healthiest most balanced and secure people spent their efforts on understanding themselves first and foremost. What you need to know about others becomes evident all by itself in time. Or, you may know all you need to know right now!