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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2019 15:14:41 GMT
And HOW DARE and avoidant be done!! Not in my life anymore. By CHOICE. we all have choices And that’s right. That’s where I’ve been this time around. I see red flags, and act on them for the first time in my life. They generally don’t come out immediately. People are putting their best foot forward, as you would expect. People can’t be blamed for that. People have done the same with me, and that’s fine. Absolutely. Dating is a process of determining compatibility. Discovering incompatibility for ANY reason is no crime or character flaw. Very happy to see you in a healthier mode. Onward and upward! |
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Post by mrob on Jul 8, 2019 15:16:21 GMT
That’s exactly what I put in my dating profile. “Dating is an assessment of compatibility”. I’ll tell you, women don’t even look at me! It’s nice to see you back as well.
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Post by stuckinamoment on Jul 8, 2019 15:16:57 GMT
And here is a case in point of the dance between an AP and a DA/FA. And HOW DARE an avoidant be done!! Not in my life anymore. By CHOICE. We all have choices. It seems that some on this board feel entitled to a relationship whether the other person wants it or not, and if they don't get it they come here to criticize, demean, pathologize, play victim to the partner they can't let go of. It's toxic. Have at me for saying so. Each person has an opportunity to create their own lives and relationships. Whatever you do is impacting you- the gone avoidant has and is making choices to limit your impact on them. Its a free world. he never said we would not be friends he said we would work it out and he would see me in the future then again later said he would think on friendship and would like that. i've left him alone with two short thinking of him and all he was going thru texts since i heard he was not doing well. so i did indeed give him what he asked for once i knew what it was ...i'm not a mind reader im not sure what your issues is sherry but it seems like you think all AP here are someine in your real,life world that grates on your nerves. do whatever makes you happy if that's posting at me on here go dormit but i will continue to post facts of the situation. if you can tell me that my DA was clear and direct with his needs and what was really going on then go for it. facts are he was not and that did indeed contribute to this. once i knew what he needed i gave that to him. but he also said he would think on friendship and obviously with his two loses that's why i didn't hear from him it doesn't hurt any less however. |
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Post by mrob on Jul 8, 2019 15:18:39 GMT
You do know your “facts” are subjective. That is, spun your way. We all are guilty of it at times. And my reading of this is Fearful Avoidant. If you haven’t read Jeb’s Bad Boyfriends Book, I’d recommend it
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Post by stuckinamoment on Jul 8, 2019 15:19:42 GMT
yea i should have ran when he called me another woman's name instead of having empathy he was hung on his x that's where i know i went wrong because after that is all the mixed messages
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Post by stuckinamoment on Jul 8, 2019 15:20:41 GMT
You do know your “facts” are subjective. That is, spun your way. We all are guilty of it at times. i'm not spinning it it's exactly what this man told me word for word of it. what's your point here with this comment? |
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Post by mrob on Jul 8, 2019 15:25:23 GMT
This isn’t about the word for word! He says, she says. This is about the underlying stuff that animates people. The bloke is sick, sick attracts sick. Please, I’m not going out of my way to be nasty, to gaslight you or humiliate you. Unless you can see at some point your actions were off, you’ll continue to be a victim. That’s your choice, of course. I mean that genuinely and without malice.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2019 15:28:43 GMT
Nope, I don't have romantic relationships with AP and the toxic friend I had, I spoke directly to and changed the level of involvement to eliminate the victim aggression he brought to all our interactions. I mentioned that I had learned how to deal with people like you IRL. Here, we are participating in a discussion that you invite by posting here. I do find it useful for my own process to state my position clearly, even in disagreement such as on this controversial thread.
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Post by stuckinamoment on Jul 8, 2019 15:30:42 GMT
This isn’t about the word for word! He says, she says. This is about the underlying stuff that animates people. The bloke is sick, sick attracts sick. Please, I’m not going out of my way to be nasty, to gaslight you or humiliate you. Unless you can see at some point your actions were off, you’ll continue to be a victim. That’s your choice, of course. I mean that genuinely and without malice. thank you , that's just it no one has said this man is sick it's all how i have it wrong and this and that i wish i never posted here call me a victim have at me i fell for and believed the wrong guy and i'm struggling with a ton right now i'm in therapy i'm trying a tornado came they my life and i'm rebuilding i've repeatedly said i was triggered and acted out of being an AP yes my actions were off imshoukd have ran when he called me the wrong name and never looked back for reasons u don't k ow and i won't share on here my life has other pressing serious stuff going on which in therapy i'm, learning to self soothe all while, dealing with this ending it's not black and white |
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Post by stuckinamoment on Jul 8, 2019 15:32:59 GMT
Nope, I don't have romantic relationships with AP and the toxic friend I had, I spoke directly to and changed the level of involvement to eliminate the victim aggression he brought to all our interactions. I mentioned that I had learned how to deal with people like you IRL. Here, we are participating in a discussion that you invite by posting here. I do find it useful for my own process to state my position clearly, even in disagreement such as on this controversial thread. and i'm learning how to run far and wide from any DA person the hurt they bring is what u can't see from an AP side the hiding who they are and then suddenly whack they are avoidant in the future i'm not even going to deal with a DA this baird has taught me that |
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Post by stuckinamoment on Jul 8, 2019 15:33:40 GMT
Nope, I don't have romantic relationships with AP and the toxic friend I had, I spoke directly to and changed the level of involvement to eliminate the victim aggression he brought to all our interactions. I mentioned that I had learned how to deal with people like you IRL. Here, we are participating in a discussion that you invite by posting here. I do find it useful for my own process to state my position clearly, even in disagreement such as on this controversial thread. and i'm learning how to run far and wide from any DA person the hurt they bring is what u can't see from an AP side the hiding who they are and then suddenly whack they are avoidant that's not normal in the future i'm not even going to deal with a DA this board has taught me that |
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Post by mrob on Jul 8, 2019 15:36:08 GMT
So, on some level, you know your actions were sick as well. What a great place to start. That’s something you can actually control. This ceases to be about his sickness, and becomes about yours.
If you haven’t read the book and are just on here, you’re not getting the full benefits. Good luck!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2019 15:37:26 GMT
Nope, I don't have romantic relationships with AP and the toxic friend I had, I spoke directly to and changed the level of involvement to eliminate the victim aggression he brought to all our interactions. I mentioned that I had learned how to deal with people like you IRL. Here, we are participating in a discussion that you invite by posting here. I do find it useful for my own process to state my position clearly, even in disagreement such as on this controversial thread. and i'm learning how to run far and wide from any DA person the hurt they bring is what u can't see from an AP side the hiding who they are and then suddenly whack they are avoidant that's not normal in the future i'm not even going to deal with a DA this board has taught me that That is a great idea! |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2019 15:42:18 GMT
That’s exactly what I put in my dating profile. “Dating is an assessment of compatibility”. I’ll tell you, women don’t even look at me! It’s nice to see you back as well. Online dating is so hard. I tried it for a bit when I was first on the board. It's difficult to meet people otherwise, also- but I'm really happy that my former flame and I are cultivating our relationship. It's a learning process and it's been a long road through all this. It's overwhelming. I had gotten triggered by the changes in my relationship (which are a blessing) and left thinking I would just push through on my own but I'm glad to have gotten the interaction yesterday. Thanks for the kind words. |
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Post by mrob on Jul 8, 2019 15:46:52 GMT
APs do the same thing! All insecurely attached people do similar. Nobody is a completely open book from day 1. There’s stuff you may not have even known you were holding back. I’m continuing along this line of “I am right and he is wrong” because it’s a line with no healing. It’s an endless loop. I’ve been there as the anxious side of being FA. I get it. For two years I drank myself into oblivion and never dealt with anything, because “I was right and she was wrong”. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
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