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Post by serenity on Aug 1, 2019 9:14:34 GMT
My FA would shut down when it came to sickness and distress in others too. My thoughts over time were that his behaviour was such a source of rejection and guilt over the course of his life , that he would further distance himself, in anticipation of losing someone he loved. He would come back though, and later make gestures to show he cared, and understood, and felt guilty. I rewarded and acknowledged those gestures and I think it did improve things somewhat. Those deactivations were kinda lengthy ones, but he could keep a small thread of very light communication going during that time.
2 weeks of absence is rough on you, especially when you need loving company and probably a big hug after being sick. I don't blame you for wanting to show him attachment theory, but I don't think it will change what he's feeling right now. He might even feel manipulated if the timing is wrong.
Is there anything light and specific you love doing together that you could invite him to do with you? It might not be you he's avoiding, but rather the threat of heavy discussion when he's in deactivation mode?
I'm so sorry you've been sick and that it was unexpected serious illness. I hope you are feeling a bit better now.
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Post by happyidiot on Aug 1, 2019 21:19:30 GMT
My FA would shut down when it came to sickness and distress in others too. My thoughts over time were that his behaviour was such a source of rejection and guilt over the course of his life , that he would further distance himself, in anticipation of losing someone he loved. He would come back though, and later make gestures to show he cared, and understood, and felt guilty. I rewarded and acknowledged those gestures and I think it did improve things somewhat. Those deactivations were kinda lengthy ones, but he could keep a small thread of very light communication going during that time. 2 weeks of absence is rough on you, especially when you need loving company and probably a big hug after being sick. I don't blame you for wanting to show him attachment theory, but I don't think it will change what he's feeling right now. He might even feel manipulated if the timing is wrong. Is there anything light and specific you love doing together that you could invite him to do with you? It might not be you he's avoiding, but rather the threat of heavy discussion when he's in deactivation mode? I'm so sorry you've been sick and that it was unexpected serious illness. I hope you are feeling a bit better now. I (FA) don't always handle it well when someone I care about is sick/injured/stressed out/in distress. I don't know if other FAs necessarily have similar reasons to mine, I might not be typical, but here are some reasons I've had: - I don't know how to help or if any help is wanted and don't want to impose or do the wrong thing. - Sometimes I get triggered anxious if the person acts distant and cold towards me. I start thinking that that means they don't love me, I can't make them happy, can't help them (when I feel I SHOULD be able to), and I withdraw to stop the pain of feeling rejected. This is especially the case if it's a frequent occurrence over minor invisible illnesses or everyday stressors. - Sometimes I assume people want to be left alone, or that someone better is caring for them. - If they have anxious tendencies in some cases people have expected me to fix what is wrong with them (for example soothe their panic attacks) and sometimes I have no ability to do so and then they turn vicious towards me for not solving it, and I have to put up boundaries for my own sanity. - If they have avoidant tendencies in some cases they make me feel unwanted and I assume they'd prefer to be alone. On the other hand, I've felt abandoned by FAs myself when I was suffering. For example, one got ghosty and broke up with me and later said he was oblivious and didn't realize the severity of my injuries. To me it had felt like he couldn't stand feeling like I needed something from him, but I also recognize that I was not at all clear or direct about communicating my needs at the time and perhaps it was a coincidence that he left me while I was injured. |
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Post by serenity on Aug 1, 2019 23:29:45 GMT
Thats very insightful happyidiot! its wonderful the way you are able to identify and articulate your reasons too, so many people really struggle with that. When you explain it, your reactions seem very reasonable and understandable. I'm sorry that you have to live with such terrible fear of rejection at times  |
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Post by happyidiot on Aug 2, 2019 0:40:34 GMT
caro I doubt he consciously thinks any of those things. Sometimes I've caught myself forgetting to reply promptly when someone asks me to do something and it's not like I'm feeling freaked out, I just didn't know if/when I wanted to see them or was depressed or was busy with other things. It's complicated. Clearly if someone can't be bothered to reply about making plans it shows it's not a priority to them, but it's hard to guess why exactly, and for an unaware avoidant it's probably just as hard for them to guess why they themselves are doing it. They may just think "I forgot!" or "I was busy!" Those are the kind of explanations I have received from exes (FA and DA) and from an FA friend, and even from a secure friend (maybe that one is a tiny bit DA or maybe he just hates phones), and I think they genuinely believed that's all that happened and thought it was unreasonable that anyone expect replies from them or that they display an effort to make and keep plans. Oh gosh, that's a tough question. If I knew an easy answer I'd be rich. What are your motivations? Do you have any attachment to a particular result? I don't think people tend to like hearing this kind of thing from someone they find triggering. And they very well may give you an explanation you don't like, since they feel pushed, such as, "Yeah, I guess I do that because I don't love you and should probably focus on myself." Or they might just say it's not true.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 2, 2019 0:43:31 GMT
ooookkk, reading this is quite triggering for me, so I'm going to just be very honest and say what comes to my mind.
I've experienced all sides of this. i myself were often ill, and I realized that when I'm really really ill, the people who are closest to me (except my mum) often disappear on me. when i'm ok ill, they stick around and show up as friends, but they really have no clue how to truly be there for me when I'm having real pain and sickness.
as the sick person who also identifies as an insecure who is working towards security, i think it's bullshit. i think people should take responsibility for how they want to manage their relationships and how they want to show up for it - saying that you're uncomfortable with illness and dying is equivalent to saying "my comfort is more important than showing up for you in your dying moments to express that our relationship is very dear to me". What kind of friend is that? One who prioritizes themselves before you at your worst moments. so, my approach in life now is that I expect from people is to have consistency and courage in showing up for me - if they don't, they aren't taking priority seat in my life.
I wouldn't look to offer him help - I would just very kindly and lovingly say in general terms like in a conversation, when he circles back, that I appreciate consistency in my life and people showing up for me, because this period of illness has made me realise how precious and difficult life can be, and that the people in it are really important to me and make a huge difference in my life. Going forward, I want to make sure that my relationships are build on solid foundation of trust, respect, and consistency, etc etc etc. I would articulate what I hope to see in my life, and ask for his opinions on what he would want to see in his.
All you have to do is listen carefully to have he says - if he has no inclination towards improving relationships at all, I would just take his words for it and leave it alone. If he has some musings around being unsure about why things aren't better and what not, then maybe you can consider talking about your experience with attachment styles and discuss his.
I would caution against you looking to help without him explicitly asking or acknowledging that the help is useful, but think of it as.. just conversational topic with a friend. like discussing finances. some people don't want to talk about it, then just don't. if someone is willing and able to, then he/she might be a good partner in learning more together about finances. Think of it as you're not helping him do squat - your job is to pick the best person for you who will take care of you adequately at a minimum during your times of distress. is that important to you? is he even doing that? if he isn't, then this needs to be communicated gently/kindly/lovingly and see if he is willing/able to step up.
So what I'm saying is, to really help someone, you have to think about how to empower him to take responsibility for himself and you for yourself. Thinking of ways to inform him while stepping on eggshells simply perpetuate the insecure dynamic; there is a very subtle mindset shift that empowers you AND HIM for real change.
PS: I haven't been following your story, so I might be completely out of context here. but this gives me caution "Last time we hung out he kept saying "you're such a good distraction from life, why are you so nice,"" -- what this tells me is that you're a distraction, not the focus of his life. is this something you're ok with?
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jules
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Post by jules on Aug 2, 2019 1:03:54 GMT
I should also mention that the day before I asked to hang out I was joking around about him being grumpy (just said "are you still grumpy?". We have a really sassy relationship, so I was trying to be playful as esp in the beginning he would do things / say things like that to me.) Maybe he felt that I wasn't looping him in enough about my hospital stuff because I posted on social first that I was home. I don't know. That's what I would've thought as AP and been protesting a little bit. (old days especially) My FA would not respond well to this playful joking. I think it would stir up unpleasant things for him. He was ridiculed in the past and it could trigger things. This kinda banter may work better face to face, but via text? I might get a little bent over it myself. That said, I can be sensitive about certain things. I just think it denotes negativity around his natural way of being. Could make one feel ashamed of who they fundamentally are. Probably not your intent, but perspective is key, imo. I always want to be his soft place to fall not prickle hairs on his neck. He's starting antidepressants? I would cut him some slack. Let him get firmer footing and let him come around in his time. Hes going through it. I find there is deactivating behaviour with my FA around his own or my illness. Recently went thru something similiar. It's stressful and scary for all involved. For now, I'd let him come to you when he feels better. I wonder myself how to delicately broach the subject with mine...And I have yet to come up with a hack. I think the smartest thing I did was immediately book an apt with my own therapist and tell my FA. He was curious. This way, I take care of me, and I live by example. I really cannot expect anyone to rise up to meet me if I myself am not putting in the work on me now can I? This is my launching pad. For now I am not going to say a thing. I'm going to do something. It serves me well whether he & I work out or we do not. Win~win. Reading on this site made made me realize I need to examine myself closely. I need to focus on what I might have skimmed over about me. It's a fine lesson in patience and true empathy. Jules |
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Post by mrob on Aug 2, 2019 1:20:05 GMT
@shiningstar I had to be taught how to face up, front up, suit up and show up in everyday life, let alone intimate relationships. It didn’t come naturally at any turn. My family doesn’t do it, and haven’t for generations, so it’s not entirely straightforward. My second wife and her family showed me everything. It was excruciating, and still continues to be hard today.
Mind you, I’ve had to hit bottom in each kind of relationship to even look at it.
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Post by serenity on Aug 2, 2019 1:46:29 GMT
I wonder myself how to delicately broach the subject with mine...And I have yet to come up with a hack. I think the smartest thing I did was immediately book an apt with my own therapist and tell my FA. He was curious. This way, I take care of me, and I live by example. I really cannot expect anyone to rise up to meet me if I myself am not putting in the work on me now can I? This is my launching pad. For now I am not going to say a thing. I'm going to do something. It serves me well whether he & I work out or we do not. Win~win. Reading on this site made made me realize I need to examine myself closely. I need to focus on what I might have skimmed over about me. It's a fine lesson in patience and true empathy. Jules Heya Jules! Hope you are having a nice Thursday evening so far:) Yeah I've yet to try broaching this in an active romantic relationship myself, but I think you are onto something Jules. I was able to discuss almost all of my/our mental health stuff with one of my FA exes ( now one of my closest most treasured friends) But I didn't really know how to do it until around 6 months after his first full discard. Each time we discussed it, it was a conversation with me talking about my own mental health.. things like how I'm dealing with object consistency and splitting during PTSD attacks (caused by discards by FA's,lol). He was very curious about all of this and his ears perked up most at our discussion about object consistency (holding onto both the good and bad regarding a person or situation, when you feel afraid or disappointed). He has since opened up completely about his own mental health and his fears, learned to talk about people and situations in a more balanced way, which was always hard for him. And he's one of my `go to' friends when I am struggling and want to talk deeply about personal mental health issues. My current FA can talk about some of it, when he's feeling very safe. But again, he will only usually enter these discussions if they are raised indirectly. Like we got talking about a mutual freind (another FA) and I was kind of amazed at how much my FA knew about codepence, projection, and splitting himself. So he's been doing his work, he's just extremely shy at showing it, and its all so hard for him. Another time, we were socialising with someone with PTSD and they were talking about having a lot of anxiety and attacks lately. Now when I've directly talked to my FA about PTSD attacks (that he triggers) he usually says `oh sorry' then deactivates for a while. Thats all he ever said. But when this person was talking about it, my FA was showing the full range of his compassion and understanding. I was amazed by this.. like he fully gets what I experience, doesn't know how to express it, but will find a way somehow to show me at a later date (indirectly). |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 2, 2019 4:50:14 GMT
@shiningstar I had to be taught how to face up, front up, suit up and show up in everyday life, let alone intimate relationships. It didn’t come naturally at any turn. My family doesn’t do it, and haven’t for generations, so it’s not entirely straightforward. My second wife and her family showed me everything. It was excruciating, and still continues to be hard today. Mind you, I’ve had to hit bottom in each kind of relationship to even look at it. no, it really is not easy. it's not easy for me too! I too had hit bottom to even look at things from a different perspective, but once a willing party to seeing it, I continue to do so even if the process is difficult. and of course, I relapse into old behaviors and patterns, but my belief is that without awareness and willingness of the self, the process cannot truly start. and if the person is not willing to even see/look at it, whatever help you are trying to give will ultimately come across as controlling, interfering, engulfing, rejecting, condescending. so that's my key point - you have to hear carefully where he is at and then decide what role you want to play in where he is at. do you want to instigate change with your help, or support change as he deems fit, or facilitate change by stimulating conversations. you deciding on what your role is to him will determine what you do/say. i'm not saying don't help him, I'm saying that you need to be very clear on what you're doing, your motivations for yourself, him and the relationship. on a side note, this "wanting to help" feeling can come across as judgmental and unaccepting, because the underlying message is, "i see so much good in you, but this and this needs to change so that you can really be that great person". The receiving party, if not ready, just simply hears "i can be great for her/him, but only if i change this and this; i'm just not a great person right now". I am definitely not saying that caroline is doing that, i'm saying that the receiving party can feel rejected/judged, like "i'm just not good enough right now, that my current self can't be accepted as I am.", even if he/she knows that you have good intentions. We all have good intentions, but it rarely is perceived that way, particularly in intimate relationships because receiving unrequested help puts one in a vulnerable position, which is even more triggering for insecures. asking for help is already difficult enough because it exposes our weakness - to receive help that was not requested for indicates that our weaknesses are seen despite we don't want them to be, or that you see weakness in me when I didn't think there was any. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 2, 2019 6:24:13 GMT
no, it really is not easy. it's not easy for me too! I too had hit bottom to even look at things from a different perspective, but once a willing party to seeing it, I continue to do so even if the process is difficult. and of course, I relapse into old behaviors and patterns, but my belief is that without awareness and willingness of the self, the process cannot truly start. and if the person is not willing to even see/look at it, whatever help you are trying to give will ultimately come across as controlling, interfering, engulfing, rejecting, condescending. so that's my key point - you have to hear carefully where he is at and then decide what role you want to play in where he is at. do you want to instigate change with your help, or support change as he deems fit, or facilitate change by stimulating conversations. you deciding on what your role is to him will determine what you do/say. i'm not saying don't help him, I'm saying that you need to be very clear on what you're doing, your motivations for yourself, him and the relationship. on a side note, this "wanting to help" feeling can come across as judgmental and unaccepting, because the underlying message is, "i see so much good in you, but this and this needs to change so that you can really be that great person". The receiving party, if not ready, just simply hears "i can be great for her/him, but only if i change this and this; i'm just not a great person right now". I am definitely not saying that caroline is doing that, i'm saying that the receiving party can feel rejected/judged, like "i'm just not good enough right now, that my current self can't be accepted as I am.", even if he/she knows that you have good intentions. We all have good intentions, but it rarely is perceived that way, particularly in intimate relationships because receiving unrequested help puts one in a vulnerable position, which is even more triggering for insecures. asking for help is already difficult enough because it exposes our weakness - to receive help that was not requested for indicates that our weaknesses are seen despite we don't want them to be, or that you see weakness in me when I didn't think there was any. @shiningstar - such good point... and I needed that reminder that sometimes wanting to help does come across as judgmental. Outside of our "issues" (mainly the hanging out thing), I think he's great. I just know that he's super unhappy as he's voiced that in various (usually small) ways. For example, starting anti-depressants, saying he's broken, with work, etc. I've said to him that "I like him for him" and "I just want him to be himself." And I do mean those things... I don't think anyone has ever really said that to him before. I don't think he fundamentally knows that's ok. Something that mirrors this is something that came up in another thread that I related to with him "not having deep friendships/connections but fighting to maintain surface friendships/connections" — and always (or it seems) over ours. I think he's always just tried to be what everyone else thinks he should be or he's just retreated. As @shiningstar you were saying earlier "So what I'm saying is, to really help someone, you have to think about how to empower him to take responsibility for himself and you for yourself. Thinking of ways to inform him while stepping on eggshells simply perpetuate the insecure dynamic; there is a very subtle mindset shift that empowers you AND HIM for real change."I want to empower him... I want him to feel so good, and know that I'm that soft, supportive, empowering landing base. I've been trying to do this— but I feel like I'm failing. I don't know how to do this well. And the "hanging out" issue just makes me frustrated and insecure. We live a mile away from each other... it makes no sense. In the beginning, we had been texting for months without him making a move and I finally asked him out which is what started all of this "officially." He said then he didn't know how to ask someone out. From there he did it some, I did it some too... and then all got weird when we had our first big convo in early June where I said I wanted to see him more, then he opened up about depression/anxiety/etc. I've only seen him once during all this weirdness the past 2 months, but it was so intimate, good, and close it was insane. (no sex either!) So I guess it sounds like I'm conflicted because I am. I want to be chill, supportive, letting him come to me etc, but then I get frustrated with the hanging out thing. But bottom line is I still want to help him, I want him to feel good, safe, and loved and have these weights from his whole life lifted. I don't want to be bitchy, but I also want to be respected... and when I say I want to see him in the nicest way I could think of (with compliments) and he just doesn't respond, that feels rude. I don't feel respected. It feels like he's being careless with my feelings. So I guess I just don't know how to do that balance. My therapist has been no help here either! so, here you have a tension. you want to do all these positive things because you want him to be better. at the same time, you want more from the relationship which he cannot give because he ISN"T better yet. what you're asking for is not something he can give with what resources he has now. what you're asking for can only be met if he is "changed" i.e., mentally and emotionally better than where he is yet. do you see now how stressful it is for both of you? for him, he feels inadequate and unaccepted. for you, you feel disrespected and frustrated. you want to empower him, but you can't truly be that soft supportive base all the time, because you experience resentment and frustration from your needs not being met. this is an impasse - you need to decide what side you want to be on. if you want to help, you have to start with accepting that this help is not contingent on the state/status of your relationship with him. if you want to be the soft landing for him, then that is all you do without asking for anything else or learn how to manage those emotions without expecting that the relationship can be developed. You can have conversations about it, but unless he is also onboard with protecting the relationship (but he does not sound like it), it is likely to add additional strain to the relationship. if you need more to meet your needs, then you need to reconsider what kind of support you want to be for him. you are not his girlfriend, nor his wife, nor his mother, nor his sister. you need to be realistic around what you can provide in terms of emotional support for his ongoing growth, considering that he just started on anti depressants etc. it's hard even when the other person is aware and actively working on themselves, much less someone who barely started and is unaware. this is not being selfish nor being harsh on him, it's simply that if you don't take care of yourself by knowing what is acceptable to you in terms of giving without having your desires met, you cannot truly provide support for another. if you give with the hope/desire that things are different, the support is given with some level of resentment, and then it becomes tainted and people sense that. you need to be able to accept that person where he is at now, even if you don't agree with or think he's being stupid, in order to truly be a landing base for someone. that is a very tall order for anyone, so you need to be very honest with yourself what you want out of it and what you can do for it without asking for anything back. |
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Post by 8675309 on Aug 2, 2019 8:04:54 GMT
Just tell it like it is from a clam secure place. You cant baby them, have an adult conversation like secures do. While I understand they have things within, they are grown adults so talk to them like an adult. They run, they run.
Reality is the only way they wont run is if they get the help they need and work within themselves, nothing you say or do will stop it so stop wearing kid gloves walking on egg shells babying them. Dont not hold yourself back because of Their issues. They will not give us what we need.
You want to get to secure then take secure actions seeing them as an adult and just having an adult conversation and express adult feelings/needs. This is what secures do.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 2, 2019 8:17:58 GMT
this is an impasse - you need to decide what side you want to be on. if you want to help, you have to start with accepting that this help is not contingent on the state/status of your relationship with him. if you want to be the soft landing for him, then that is all you do without asking for anything else or learn how to manage those emotions without expecting that the relationship can be developed. You can have conversations about it, but unless he is also onboard with protecting the relationship (but he does not sound like it), it is likely to add additional strain to the relationship. if you need more to meet your needs, then you need to reconsider what kind of support you want to be for him. you are not his girlfriend, nor his wife, nor his mother, nor his sister. you need to be realistic around what you can provide in terms of emotional support for his ongoing growth, considering that he just started on anti depressants etc. it's hard even when the other person is aware and actively working on themselves, much less someone who barely started and is unaware. this is not being selfish nor being harsh on him, it's simply that if you don't take care of yourself by knowing what is acceptable to you in terms of giving without having your desires met, you cannot truly provide support for another. if you give with the hope/desire that things are different, the support is given with some level of resentment, and then it becomes tainted and people sense that. you need to be able to accept that person where he is at now, even if you don't agree with or think he's being stupid, in order to truly be a landing base for someone. that is a very tall order for anyone, so you need to be very honest with yourself what you want out of it and what you can do for it without asking for anything back. @shiningstar - First of all, thank you from the bottom of my heart. This is by far the best and most straight forward / understandable and truth-based advice I've received. You're 1000% correct. I also really, really appreciate you responding right away as this has just been so heavy on my heart. And I can see how me wanting more, to "be his girlfriend" (and trying to act like it), is just putting so much stress on us both. I guess before I was only thinking about it as stressful to me in a way. I want to be on the helping side, but I have to find a way to give up my relationship pushes/agenda — as those aren't fair. And I really care about him as a human. Obviously I need to do some internal thinking to see if I can actually do that. Hopefully I can and it isn't too late for me to "pick a side" and step back. I've often thought that this "relationship" is here to teach me patience (and confidence). I'm going to think on all of this more and how I can let go, but I just wanted to say thank you and how incredibly helpful and clear this is. Maybe it seems obvious to everyone else, but I just needed to hear it exactly like that, and also that it isn't personal against me (which was feeding into my AP side of 'I'm not good enough'). i'm really glad this is helpful to you! I truly understand how it feels to want to help and care for the other as a human, but at the same have lots of feelings and desires for a partner, and the tension this create. many of us here experienced exactly the same thing and are here because they sought answers like you. I just want to also add that none of what I've said is something I do by default nor is it straightforward nor easy. I've spent ALOT of time (like almost all my waking hours, even at work) pondering these things over the past year and I still struggle with it at times, so please don't be hard on yourself. |
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jules
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Post by jules on Aug 2, 2019 9:42:45 GMT
blogs.psychcentral.com/love-matters/2018/07/18-ways-to-increase-intimacy-and-communication-with-an-avoidant-partner/Perhaps this will help. Probably redundant, I'm sure everyone has likely seen this...but it reads solid to me. Its frustrating to be involved with someone who is like this. In my case, I have gone thru every emotion, in the past few weeks. Do I stay, do I go? I think all relationships are hard, its a matter of whether or not they are worth the effort. Wouldnt it be great if we could all hang out together on arbitrary Sat. nights when our SO is doing their own thing? Lol. Great thread! Jules Jules
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Post by ocarina on Aug 2, 2019 19:58:51 GMT
jules - I actually have that site bookmarked and often open on my phone browser... lol... it helps to reread it over and over though, especially when I get frustrated. And yes, it would be so nice if we could all hang out while they were off doing whatever!! In thinking more about what @shiningstar said, and how I can let go of my "relationship progression" desires and just be there for him... I think I'm caught up in these questions— mostly sparked by "how I would think" which I know is flawed... so go easy on me there... I'm trying to see the other side and just know how to approach. With a strictly friend, it's easier to feel more comfortable being more forward/upfront about helping, push them a little more etc, but in this situation... I'm just not sure. 1. How can I stimulate positive/thought-provoking conversations and help instigate change if I don't see him? Our text relationship has a had a couple of these, but it's very much when he's come to me and I respond "just right." (maybe that's the answer?) Usually though these conversations have happened better in person. (maybe that's why he's avoiding?!) 2. If I just stop trying to see him or "pursue," won't he think I gave up on the relationship part? I mean that's what I would think, but obviously everyone is different. Maybe this isn't bad thing as it lets him do things on his terms. 3. He doesn't often respond well to "how are you?" etc. But maybe the thought that I'm trying counts cause then he'll come around when he's ready to open up? 4. Do I stop talking about me totally? 5. With stop talking about me/random stuff, not asking "how are you?" a ton... there isn't a ton to talk about? 6. If I do see him — like if he reaches out and wants to see me, am I suppose to obtain from sex? Do I always just go? (I don't want to be a doormat but I want to be there for him.) Also, I think yesterday when I didn't respond to his Wed night text til late afternoon I broke some trust / inconsistency. And our conversation then was very "boring" and it was probably obvious I was resentful. But I was so annoyed. I tried to reach out today to tell him that my follow-up results were good, but no response... which I'm guessing is him protesting. So in addition to the above, I have to regain that trust. Ugh. Space and time? This smacks to me - as and avoidant / secure of control- in a very hidden guise. Of using love to try to keep someone in your life who is resistant to change and whose behavior is also hurting you. What about you and your needs? Everyone has needs and damping down your own in order to “be there” for someone else is a road to hurt - especially when that person has issues which will prevent them meeting you half way. What do you want from this? Following the “rules” isn’t the answer - be true to yourself, cultivate security in yourself and be honest. Walking away from a situation that’s hurtful is not desertion - it can be offering live to yourself and allowing the other person freedom to heal or not. |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 2, 2019 21:07:09 GMT
caro I agree with ocarina. You just wrote a list out completely focusing on him, asking for others to help you figure out how to manage your own behavior in deference to him. Where are you and your needs in all this? I've been where you are, and what I found was it was actually a symptom of my not only minimizing my needs but also I didn't trust myself to know what I wanted and was looking for other people to tell me the "right" thing to do. Which is an example of the following AP patterns: 1. Trusting others more than self 2. Thinking there's a "correct" formula, a way for you to behave that will get others (him) to respond the way you want and meet your needs if you can just crack the code... and if he doesn't, it's because you didn't do something perfectly 3. Needing others to help you emotionally self-regulate (it's giving you anxiety that you can't control the situation so you're asking for help about what to do instead of sitting with and accepting it) 4. Wanting to give him what you yourself actually want someone to give you. I apologize if this post is a little triggering, and I've done the same things you're trying to do, I've asked the same questions of others, and I have figured out how to communicate this stuff to partners / ex partners in a less triggering way. However, it won't change your situation to moderate your behavior so completely because you didn't cause his issues and you can't fix them for him. Same as he didn't create your issues and can't fix them for you. My doing the things you're asking about changed my exes exactly not at all because they weren't in the right stage of their own process and are stuck in their own insecure patterns independent of anyone else. If you're able to take the focus off him and put it on yourself, start to do things to build up your self-acceptance and self-trust, and be as kind and giving to yourself as you're trying to be with him, you're going to start seeing progress (even if it looks different than you're imagining right now). It's hard to shift the focus, believe me I know!, but it will really allow you to start the healing that's going to improve the health of this situation. It takes a while and patience, but in my experience, the best remedy for the anxious-avoidant conflict is focusing on yourself and your own personal security. After you're more grounded in your own needs, it will be much easier to see if you can work out making the interactions with him more secure.
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