How to Help Without Engulfing / Coming Across Controlling

I just wouldn't reply to his text, for now, if it were me. Sounds like he's in some denial/deactivation mode, maybe out of guilt over your illness (and whatever facepalm-like feelings he has over what he said to the bartender), and he wants to say something like ``I just want to make it clear to all parties involved, this is not relationship etc blah..Okay'' (even though he's clearly in love with you). He'll only regret what he says and it will harm your relationship.

I'd just ignore it. And send something lighthearted via text next week. A funny thing, or something neutral about a mutual interest.

I think like any insecure attached individual...it depends on how aware that person is...without awareness...everything is instinctual and personal....it takes a lot of work to recognize the defensiveness for what it is and if he hasn’t done that work...it will leave the work to you....which means you be will regulating both yourself and him.  Not a good space to be if you are easily triggered by his defensiveness.  I understand the need to stand up for yourself...timing is everything with insecures.  Also...be aware of your own state....use the HALT method....don’t have this conversation when you are hungry, angry, lonely or tired....because you won’t be in your best place either...believe me, I know.

I think it’s a valid question to ask. If you’re happy in a new relationship why are you still contacting me? What do you want?

And sometimes being a bit defensive is warranted. It’s human, not always attachment.

I don’t go texting exes specially if I’m in a new relationship. Exes are exes for a reason. Does not mean we have ill feelings about each other we were just not meant to be and no reason to hang on and keep contact outside of saying hello if we run into each other.

That is totally how it is with me Ocarina....don’t mean to interject....but I resonated with the above.

This sounds worth exploring. If you'd never treat him the way he's treating you, even if you were hurting too, why do you need to show him anything? That's still prioritizing him over you. Was that a learned behavior from your past, way before you met him? Or something you wish you could have healed for someone else at some point that you're now projecting?

You don't need to walk away without saying anything. But you don't need to explain why in full detail, either. It is secure to say you need some space and will be out of touch for a while and will appreciate if he respects that, and then go no contact -- as long as you're saying it because it is actually what you want/need right now and not to try to coax a specific reaction. If you're AP and just go no contact without saying anything about it, you'll probably end up ruminating about abandoning him and feeling like you were disrespectful and then will continue to focus on him instead of yourself even if he's blocked, which defeats the purpose. I've been most successful in going NC for myself by basically saying what I suggested above first, so the boundary was asserted and there was no "abandonment" (which is an illusion in situations like this anyway... if the other person was fully present and showing up for you, you wouldn't need space, so you're not just leaving someone for no good reason).

By the way, the best example to set for someone unaware is showing healthy boundaries.

Caroline, they can admit they are wrong, and they can also make it up to you. But in my own experiences, they are simply incapable of it until the deactivation period is over and they have stabilised both mentally and emotionally. In the best case scenarios I've experienced, when I've expressed my concerns during a deactivation, I have been heard and listened to...and at a much later date those concerns have been acknowledged and addressed (if we are still involved). But at the time of deactivation, their reaction was either stonewalling or a full raging non nonsensical meltdown. I feel that if I am ``explaining my concerns'' in that situation to sooth my own anxiety, its not given me the relief I've hoped for. I've had to take care of anxiety on my own, whether or not I say a thing.

Getting some distance, being true to your real feelings (not just anxiety)  is really so helpful in situations like this. Going no contact permanently or temporarily are good options. Emotional and physical distancing works a little better for me personally if I still want to explore the possibilities of that relationship.

Hi Jules and Caroline,

Hugs to you both... I hope your day has been okay so far. I'm sorry you are feeling so sad and hurt today Caroline, its totally understandable