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Post by alexandra on Aug 18, 2019 19:21:23 GMT
AP isn't the middle line to DA/FA. All the insecure styles are dysfunctional defense mechanisms that protected us as children so we could survive but don't serve in adulthood. But AP, DA, FA all come from different sets of behaviors (in extreme summary, AP from inconsistent caretakers, DA from negligent caretakers, FA from chaotic and/or scary/abusive caretakers). There's a spectrum, so AP can still have some avoidance without being FA or still show some disorganized traits, but each primary style has different healing techniques that don't work across the board because of the different ways the nervous systems get conditioned (ie AP nervous system gets flooded and overactive, DA nervous system shuts down, FA can do either).
As I've said, they do all have difficulty with communication. And in many other ways, they're different sides of the same coin. But if only 3 people know you well enough to read your mind to understand your needs, you're highlighting that understanding your own needs and learning to communicate them is an area that needs work as you go along in this process.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 18, 2019 19:41:52 GMT
caro, I also agree with @sherry that not communicating your needs is a defense mechanism against rejection. With AP, it stems from fear of abandonment. So a component of that comfort communicating is retraining yourself -- knowing that you will survive and be okay even if you don't get the outcome you want because you haven't abandoned yourself. By not communicating in situations like this, you don't get rejected but you don't get your needs met and you don't allow a situation where you two can discuss it and change the dynamic, so you waste time stuck in a holding pattern. The difficulty with another insecure person is they won't have the tools and/or capability to address your needs with you as they have trouble with even their own needs, so yeah, it's likely to go poorly. But learning that sooner isn't a bad thing. However, it takes confronting your fear of abandonment on your own to start seeing it that way.
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Post by serenity on Aug 18, 2019 21:07:01 GMT
I agree, and I think understanding and communicating my own needs is probably the biggest part of this all... outside of increased self confidence and awareness (which I’ve been working on both a bunch). Communicating my needs is hard. That’s like when you put all of your lessons learned into action. Terrifying. It’s not often gone over well with me in relationships, but I will say, in the beginning of this one- it did... so that’s a lesson / proof in can sometimes. I can’t remember if I said this, but I also had a friend abandon me two weeks ago when I voiced my needs... she’s still avoiding me, and I have to see her later this week (along with my parents)... so that has hurt and threw support into not voicing... but I do see it’s her issues, and I did the right thing. I hear you regarding the inner confusion of competing needs, some stemming from inner-child triggers, and others stemming from legitimate relationship needs. My first therapist when I was a teen did `inner child' work with me, and she used an interesting technique. She'd have me sit in different parts of the room on the floor, and communicate my feelings and needs as `inner child' (sitting in one corner) `teen' (sitting in another corner) `inner parent' (sitting in yet another corner). I was amazed at how much need and vulnerablity came pouring out when I spoke as my inner child. And how much criticism and self judgment poured out as my inner parent. `Teen me' had mixed up feelings and needs about `today' stuff, current relationships....mixed up because parent voice and child voice were so at odds. She taught me how to self parent in a compassionate, balanced voice. One thing I can say, is that when you're first negotiating having some of your needs met by others, it helps to pick the right people who can both realistically meet them , and also give you positive reinforcement. I remember having this mildly DA boyfriend when I was doing inner child work as a teen. And I proudly took a whole bunch of my `well thought out needs' to him over coffee, and he was like `wtf'? '. Relationship ended then and there. The abandonment hurt me like crazy, and I felt punished for having expressed my needs. That did not help me one bit. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 18, 2019 23:55:17 GMT
caro maybe instead of agonizing over how to express yourself to someone who hasn't asked for you to share your heart, you can write a long love letter to yourself and see what you come up with. Ask yourself questions, express your care and concern for the part of you that you see hurting, promise yourself to listen carefully to the replies that come from inside yourself and how to put all of your effort into understanding and supporting caroline. You cannot possibly know what to ask for from someone else if you aren't familiar with giving it to yourself. Time, attention, nurturing, growth support, commitment- all those must go to you , from you, first - before you can give them to someone else.
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