How to Help Without Engulfing / Coming Across Controlling

caro, I'm sure he meant those things in the moment. The problem is, without a stable identity and sense of self, his feelings even feel to him like they change all the time, and he probably just reacts. Each FA guy I've dated has talked about their ambivalence, and that if I were the right "one" they don't think their feelings would be so inconsistent. Their observation of their ambivalence in feelings is very correct, but the easy conclusion that I am causing these feelings by not being the one isn't. They're not ready to go deeper, though, and address the issues within themselves. That's why all you can do is focus back on you and defining your identity through yourself and not others. You're triggered and feel like crap, but leave him out of it, use the opportunity to learn more about your own triggers and what they're telling you. Feel what's happening in your body, and what soothes you and what doesn't -- part of earning secure does come with understanding and managing your triggers.

I found that all the weird things that happened for years before I understood what triggering was were, for me, always related to fear of abandonment. Even if it seemed unrelated to the situation. It always had been that. That's why, for me, growing my own comfort with myself (and therefore not abandoning myself and not losing my sense of identity if someone else wasn't propping it up) was part of the process. Focusing on insecure partners really wasn't, past taking the examples to better understand attachment styles holistically.

caro, I know it's difficult and sad. There is another positive outcome potentially, which I've suggested before. Accepting him where he's at and just being friends, even if he's a distant friend on his end, but you won't be able to get there unless you focus on yourself first -- as you need to get secure enough to be okay no matter what he does. But romantically, no, it's not going to work out unless he takes it upon himself to work on his own things.

So far, none of my exes have done that -- but, I have other people in my life I've known for years and years who have. I have one very long-term friend, formerly FA, who was so bad that they lied to partners and claimed to be going to therapy just so the partners would stick around... but that person was NOT going to therapy at all. However, eventually, that person finally did go, for several years. On the other side of it, they can't believe they'd fought therapy for so long and think it's the best thing ever (and still go regularly). There has been a drastic change in partners this person picks (from really, really bonkers --> to pretty decent people), and they are able to be present and communicate a lot better now. I once asked if anything any of those previous partners said was a "correct" armchair diagnosis that got through and encouraged the actual going to therapy. The answer was, nope. No one had any impact. The person had to decide to get help for themselves after really hitting an emotional rock bottom.

I think your, I wish I didn't have emotions, thoughts are all pretty typical for AP. You should read the descriptions from aware DAs on the board who describe what their pain is like in different threads. I actually think it's harder to be DA because it seems harder to become aware and so eventually be in a position to get past it... so while AP feel the pain a lot more acutely in the short-term, they're more likely to be in so much pain while blaming themselves that they seek help faster, which means less pain in the long-term. All the insecure types have their challenges, and I wish none of them on anyone!

But regardless of that, your emotions are indicating to you that something is wrong, but with insecure attachment, it's usually something from way back in the past that has gotten obscured because it's not directly related to what's going on now. That makes it harder to sort through, and to misattribute. Therefore, I think it's still important to feel the pain, but it takes a lot more digging to figure out the true source of it (and it's almost definitely not this guy). I know it isn't intuitive to say, I'm in pain when interacting with this guy because there's a direct link with how I felt when my parents didn't give me enough consistency for me to develop the right tools when I was a kid to feel whole as an adult........ but that's very likely what's going on. And now, if you want to change that, you have to catch up on all those years you were conditioned one way, by putting in the work and time now to figure out what you need to give yourself to re-condition as secure. Which takes time.

Lots of words can flood and deactivate FA. Can you keep it simple? Like, "I deal with you because I care about you and know you're going through a lot, and that's what friends do. It's been challenging to stay consistent when you push me away, and I acknowledge that doesn't feel good for me, but I'm still here for you because I want to be." Maybe not exactly that, but if you want to respond I'd keep it to just a couple sentences that are straightforward and to the point and not gushing about him or about feelings or making any assumptions about his motivations (ie saying you don't know if he wants you around).

I feel the exact same things happyidiot...

You literally will allow someone to limit you to a one word, yes or no answer, via text? Talk about being managed down! Well, as long as he's happy controlling all the communication down to word count. I'm continually surprised by what women will do to keep an unavailable man. I'm surprised at what makes people happy, but I guess we all are. I just was amazed by this.

Oh, All I saw here was you quoting it as excellent advice, it seemed quite clear.

When I read some of these comments, it truly makes me happy knowing I am no longer in a relationship or friendship with an unavailable person anymore.

It's like drinking poison all this tip toeing around scared on what to say in case it makes the unavailable person withdrawal even more or react in a negative way.

There are reasons why people become emotionally unavailable.

They can only be fixed when they chose to work on fixing themselves. Only they can do that for themselves.

I absolutely refuse to date anyone at the moment until I am able to work on my own issues. I long for emotionally healthy relationships and that must first start with me working to make myself healthy and emotionally available.