How to Help Without Engulfing / Coming Across Controlling

Your posts of less than a month ago are otherwise, and while you have changed your perspective, others haven't. Actually there are a lot of posters here who have moved through their own attachment issues and have a perspective that accepting a person as they are can be loving and enough, while also choosing to move on and seek a partner capable of meeting them halfway in a mutual relationship.

Not everyone will roller coaster with you through this, some will maintain an agreement with your original posts. It's completely up to you to choose whatever you want to do, but disagreement is not necessarily abrasive. Resolving an attachment to an unavailable partner has been a major triumph in healing for several people here and there isn't a need to discount that. There will be disagreement but the perspective of people who have been where you are and moved on isn't invalid- just different.

Opposing viewpoints are backlash? How in the world can you post on an internet forum and not expect and be open to dissenting views? People here are sharing their opinions, it's not exclusive to those who agree.

Now, if you'd like a protected forum for your posts and views you can certainly post in the "Support for" forums. But out here in the main it's open for disagreement and discussion.

Great question Caroline. It depends with me; I can tolerate space and deactivation, because I understand it from a trauma/PTSD/mental health POV. Deal breakers for me are attacks on my self esteem, womanising, and cruelty towards other people or animals. I mean I wouldn't try to negotiate with someone like that, I'd walk and ghost them.

I only let people close usually who are high on the scale of empathy. Empathetic FA's are a challenge, because they display empathy on their own terms, and emotional neediness sometimes triggers their PTSD. Sometimes. At other times they are so completely available and caring its breath taking. Overall, you have to work hard at dealing with your triggered feelings non codependently. If you go into romantic relationships for reassurance for strong emotion, they can not meet that need consistently (even if they cause it). The interesting thing about that, is we have many alternatives for soothing strong emotion, including mental health workers, caring friends, and our own minds.  

If someone has withdrawn very clearly and permanently, I'd let them go without a word. 

I anticipate opposing views, thank you.
It was actually your assumption of my response to what I posted that my man gad said that was incorrect. Others rolled with it...assuming my stance. You did not have that info...you conjured it up inturn creating a shit storm off topic on someone elses post.


There in lies the issue.

So rathrr then attaching and beating a dead horse you could have accepted that perhaps you rushed to judgement and let it go. But you persisted. How you do.
Thats fine, but it does not mean that people have to like it.

Jane doe, I did not call you negative by using the word negative. You said it wouldnt be ok for you, assuming it was ok for me.

So are we clear here now, or wpuldyou like to continue to right fight untiltge death? Because I am not interested in engaging in more unfounded ugliness. You can be right. I'm sorry I did not give the entire story. I had no forboding of this issue when I simply added that sentence. Which was relevant to a comment made by someone else to the OP. And then I get told that I am saying my own advice is "excellent" ... just misinformation droned on about. I get it. Youre looking for a fight. You got it. You win. Winning is not important to me. Have it.

Rest assured I am well aware of how online forums work, thank you for the condescension though, clearly whatever makes you feel better. I have *no doubt varying opinions arise. When you want to make a valid point, I am allllll ears.

Thanks,
Jules

I find these questions and threads completely pointless unless the insecurely person is taking on board the comments and is actually putting the work into working towards healthy recovery.

By that, I mean stop making excuses and stop trying to justify the other person's actions. Taking responsibility for YOUR own actions and attachment style.

No one is going to become secure unless they look at their situations i.e relationships and remove themselves from the toxic cycle. They are aware of their own issues. They distance themselves from anything unhealthy in order to work on themselves. Anything unhealthy i.e a one sided painful relationship is only going to set you back. Is going to set off your AP system. Unless you make the necessary changes, recovery won't work.

A secure would know and walk away from any BS that is causing them pain. If they're needs are being unmet they walk away. Secures have enough self respect not to lower themselves to anything that is unhealthy. They have enough self love to walk away from anything toxic and unhealthy.

No one is going to get anywhere unless they take a good look at their situations. Stepping off the roller coaster and moving towards change.

My comments may appear harsh to some but I am in a position of self awareness to see the bigger picture and I have enough self determination to wanting a more of a secure, loving, fulfilling and healthy life. I see myself between AP and secure position right now.

When I was a full AP, I too was in a cycle with an extreme DA whom I loved very much. I was in the cycle for two years. We worked together in the same office, saw each other every day so that made it difficult to disconnect. Our relationship was good at times. We had good laughs and we had a good connection. We hung out a lot. Cared for each other. We had our own emotional issues going on which stemmed from our childhoods. But together we bought out each other's toxic behaviour and only triggered each other. I kept going back because it was the only behaviour I knew. I blamed him for why the relationship was toxic. I saw it as him was the one with the problem. Looking back now, I played the victim role. I was in total denial of my own toxic behaviour and with my own attachment style. I was in denial of my own issues. Many people provided me with harsh comments on how I should look at myself. It's not all my ex's fault. I should take responsibility. If the relationship was so bad, then why did I allow myself to go back? If I'm so unhappy, then I should leave! There were a lot of harsh truths that I didn't want to face. When I look back, I thank these people for being so honest.They didn't feed me with any fairy tales BS. They didn't sugarcoat the truth or facts. As far as I am concerned, an honest and direct approach is the most effective and empathetic approach a person can provide you.

It took for me to leave my job and hit rock bottom with my relationship. Cutting off contact from my ex and going through a lot of life changes. I grieved the break up. I acknowledged my part in the relationship. I accepted the relationship wasn't healthy on my part. I became aware of my attachment style when I stumbled across this forum. This forum has been incredibly vital with my recovery. Reading self awareness books on my own attachment style and on my ex's attachment style. Taking full responsibility for my own emotional baggage. I have a lot of issues and am looking forward to addressing them in therapy. Therapy which is not cheap and will take a lot of my monthly salary. But I have a lot of determination to want to sort my life out. I'll do whatever it takes to make that happen.

You AP's deserve love and a two sided healthy relationship with someone who will value and love you for who you are.

Settling for bread crumbs from someone who is emotionally unavailable is only going to create you pain and you will remain in a never ending damaging cycle. They cannot provide you with what you need. Which is why they are emotionally unavailable. They need to address their own issues, the same as you do.

Life is too short to settle for less than what you deserve.

Hey Caroline

Many thanks for your reply. I can assure you I'm still an AP and I still continue to struggle. I'm making my mistakes and that's all part of the learning. I'd say, I've gotten through the easy part. The hard part will be when I start therapy. Because I will start opening up and facing things I've buried away for years. But I'm ready for that and I know it's part of the process with getting better.

As an AP, I truly identify and understand your struggles. I know it's hard. I know it's scary. I know it's overwhelming. But once you start to address your issues and start putting the focus on your own recovery. You're self value and self esteem will increase with confidence. That doesn't happen overnight. That comes with time, consistency and hard work from you. Your sole focus right now needs to be on you.

One of the quotes you said which really stuck out for me " APs tend to resort back to the comfort of pain, because that’s what they’ve known". You are absolutely spot on with that! I really understand it. That's why it difficult to break out of the cycle. The cycle is between yourself and your past. Especially if you have grown up with it. It has become like a friend. You trust it. You're familiarised with it. It feels safe.

Caroline - you feel angry today? What helps you to get your feelings out? I find writing in a journal helps a lot. I started a journal here on this forum which I shall be using quite frequently especially when I start my therapy next month. It's a healthy coping mechanism for me.

Whatever helps you let out your emotions - do it! Whether that's continuing to talk to us on here. Setting up a journal to keep track of your progress, your feelings. What works and doesn't work.

Surround yourself with people who will support your recovery and set limitations on things and people who will hinder you that on happening.

You can do this Caroline! You really can!