How to Help Without Engulfing / Coming Across Controlling

I can sniff an agenda from a mile away. You quite simply cannot accept him as he is, all of him right now. To be thought of as a “fixer-upper” is offensive, and even with the best intentions, it’s patronising.

No flowery stuff today. That’s the way I would think, and I would run a mile.

Can I say, serenity, I would never want someone to put all their eggs in one basket with me, either? I have no desire, nor the ability to be everything to someone.

caro. You said it again in your last paragraph “progress”. What is your motivation? What do you really want? No judgement, this is an opportunity for growth. If you’re intent on banging your head against an emotionally unavailable brick wall, surely the question is “Why am I doing this?”


I’m saying this as someone who has been unavailable, and probably still is to an extent. I’ve also chased unavailable people.

Any relationship that feels this confusing and - shoot me down here, requires lots of posting on here in order to navigate, is likely to be taking a great toll on you emotionally. What do you mean by “worked” with him? It’s not your job to be there for anyone st your own expense and essentially it’s not loving because it’s acting from the agenda of really liking someone and wanting more of that. In the process of thus there’s a big risk of losing yourself which is also not loving.
It is very very difficult to be fully present with someone who you are clinging to for an emotional connection/ I say clinging because this is essentially what happens when paired with someone who is unable or unwilling to provide.
I think you’d have to be a saint to truly be able to support without your own agenda chugging away in the background trying to control things.

This is going to go completely off topic...but sometimes I think, as an AP, I tend to seek out (unconsciously) partners who are “addicted” or “depressed” or “ unavailable” because I think that if I can somehow”help”, “rescue” and”see and treat them in a way they have never been treated before” that through that process...that person will become ever so grateful and then they won’t leave. It is as if I have no value outside of my skill to see potential and then be that cheerleader, advocate, rescuer. Itisa verysweet idea that I have that much influence over another person...but the reality is....people will change on their own timing.

Back to the post....if it were me, I would sit and listen and ask deeper questions. Sharing your own story is fine in a “this is what I did and it worked for me” approach...but he probably gets advice from everyone...soyou adding yours is likely not what he is looking for...rather he is likely looking for a safe place to vent. Just my 2 cents.

Good morning Caroline! Hope your weekend has started well so far.(Hugs)

Like you, I resonate with, and sure appreciate, the advice on this thread. Its so very deep and shows the intelligence and thoughtfulness people have put into their (very complex) relationships, and personal recovery.

Something that I think hasn't been said, or not very clearly I don't think:

Caroline you are wonderful just as you are, too. You don't need to be fixed either. You've done a fair wad of self discovery, and you continue to do so in so many constructive ways.

Like a lot of empathetic/caring/rescuing types, I'll bet one of your main skills as a human being is connection. You not only know the warmth and personal fullfillment of connection, but you're big hearted enough to notice that `shy boy in the room', and want to share that warmth with him. You see his pain and loneliess and wanting to belong. You feel it even. Its an act of generosity that you even notice, let alone care. He's become attracted to you because for you, connection is your strength. 

I think what a lot of us do next, is we work on winning trust. We respond to our loved ones emotions. When they behave uncomfortable or even envious or passively angry about our social skills, we devote ourselves more to exclusively them. Become isolated even. And the dance becomes emotionally difficult or even traumatic, as the connectedness we crave, and are so good at creating, slips from our fingers.

You asked a little while back, what happens if I turn my attention away, start focusing my skills at meeting my needs for human warmth and connection from others? Will he drift even further from me? Well it impossible to say, but in my own experiences it has the opposite effect... it creates comfort for each of you. It promotes desire. And it draws him in. You will be getting your needs met, benefiting from the minds and hearts of several good people. And he will be feeling the pressure is off. He might growl a little at first, seeing you happy and connected with others. But he will be drawn in IMO. If not, then you have other relationships in your life.

There are little habits you can start changing now. When you ache to connect with someone about an issue that makes him uncomfortable, turn to someone thoughtful and caring, not him. If you like to connect with people first thing in the mornings, check in with some friends. Find people you like to laugh with. Share hobbies with. And most of all, show up for them consistently, regularly, until they, too, feel they can trust in your presence being there.

I would be surprised if you don't already have a network like this. If so, perhaps start expanding and giving it more attention? When you're in a difficult relationship, its easy to start treating others as `fillers' or emotional regulators. I'm suggesting to go further than that, be really there for other people. Love them too. And Don't be afraid to socialise with more men either

mrob, it's prioritizing your partner/family (kids) without feeling like it's a sacrifice. You're not losing yourself to be with them, you still have your own interests, needs, life. But as long as demands aren't unreasonable (like putting up with thankless abuse), you consider them in your plans and team up.

It's comfortably you choosing that as a priority in life because it's got a richness with it that net enhances your life verses feeling forced into it and engulfed. It's something I've noticed is a very unnatural concept for avoidants (and I've had FA exes who I've talked about this with, who will forever see it as an uncomfortable "tradeoff" no matter who is the partner or what the partner's needs or expectation is because I doubt they ever experienced it in a balanced way without fear when growing up as in that case they truly were asked to handle too much). But when it's a choice driven from self it seems far less transactional in nature.

However, this is why actual relationship compatibility with someone is so important and love isn't always enough. If the values and lifestyles don't align, in a way that causes conflict and fighting more often than not, then it's not a satisfying partnership.