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Post by sunkissed123 on Sept 15, 2019 17:26:00 GMT
Hi all,
This forum has shed so much light on the relationship that I've been w/ a FA man. I never even knew this existed and have more so finally seen that I have anxious attachment style ways which I've been working on heavily for the last few months through alot of work. Now the past 2 times my FA pulled away, I got nervous and that pushed him away even further which resulted in him breaking up. He even explained he wasn't there yet and I made various mistakes that I look back on and thought, oh shoot. I wish I could go back and correct them.
Nonetheless, after the 2nd time it happened with us, and when he pulled away saying he had to move on, I went on my way and worked on myself through alot of hard work to become more secure. I can finally feel that peace but of course I still love this man and do want to try. We had been seeing each other again the last few months. When everything seemed to be going great and getting ALOT closer, me sleeping over his place (for the first time), he pulled back and said he was going to fully dive into work. This confused me since nothing bad happened and he suddenly was pushing me away.
Now, I'm going about my business. We're still friends on social and he's liked a few things since our last convo but nothing in the last 2 weeks or so. I wrote him a short note on fb once asking why he just decided to bail now and asked if I was distracting him from work.... He read it but no reply. That's ok, I'm doing my thing, keeping busy, have a ton of work to do, taking care of my mother/dogs/chickens....
Has anyone ever written a letter or anything to their FA explaining what they think is going on? How they have FA attachment styles and how you wish to work things out with them? Or if you do this and they are in that process of stepping back, will this push them even further away?
Like I said, I regret acting the way I did those two times. He truly showed me all the time how much he cared for me without vocalizing it the entire time...esp in the beginning. And then later on these last few months when he seemed to be opening back up. Sigh....
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Post by serenity on Sept 15, 2019 23:24:09 GMT
Yes I think when an FA needs distance, its best to let them have it, for both your sakes. The only `useful' communication I've found during deactivation are things like clearing up your side of any conflict, apologizing if you feel you should. They are unlikely to respond, but it might help improve their negative mindset, when they start to come back from deactivation. If you still have a light and friendly social media connection, keep it positive and light. I wouldn't try for any deep discussions.
More importantly, try to decide on your own boundaries around his distancing behaviour. How is it affecting you , really? Is his behaviour painful, is it harming you, your health? Is his distancing behaviour only `space' or does it include personal attacks, criticisms, things that harm your self esteem?
How much space will you tolerate, how much unpredictability, how many weeks, months of ghosting is acceptable to you?
If he returns, I would suggest honoring your boundaries, above all.
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Post by sunkissed123 on Sept 16, 2019 2:06:53 GMT
serenity -- Thank you!! I will work on those boundaries and a time frame of how much time I will tolerate. Is there any way to tell how long they may go away for space? \ His distancing only has ever been taking "space" without discussing deeply... Sorta running and hiding it seems. One good thing though he has never ever used words of ill-will, no personal attacks, never criticized.... The 2nd time he backed away when I got anxious, he told finally told me why he ran and left the first time. Because I got aggravated and used foul language when he told me where he was at emotionally. I never even knew why for months, until he was leaving again that 2nd time....If I had known that, it would have been so much easier to correct and work on myself.... This last / 3rd time, I can happily say, it was nothing I did in terms of "I'm leaving because of this" but only him retreating after things suddenly got super close and he was loving for a few months. As I said, I worked hard on my attachment ways after he told me the reason why we first split and why he first ran..... As you mentioned, I sent him a letter a few weeks ago on messenger, nothing heavy or crazy but more so just saying "I understand that you need time...and more so that I support you..how I love him...and everyone loves him..... He responded back that everyone loves me too and that he cares as well" --- Think that was honest or him having a hard time telling me he loves me too? He wrote back and thanked me for that letter and seemed really pleased. When I did ask why he suddenly retreated (this was before I found this forum), like did i distract him from work or such? Why suddenly did he not want to spend time with me after talking greatly of the past and making plans for the future.... And he read that one but never responded.... So as you said, I'm keeping it very light on social and just showing my fun adventures. I do miss him alot. We had great times and wonderful memories... I wasn't sure if it was better if I hid him from seeing my posts and totally dropped out of his life or would that trigger all those internal issues? Better to somewhat show I'm in his life, even if it's just him watching from afar? Should I like any of his posts or just give him true space? I haven't liked anything... He though liked 2 of my posts (one of my new haircolor) and another one of me fishing, the night he responded to the "good letter" I wrote him.... after that, 2 weeks later he commented on a post of mine... nothing since... been about a month now since we last spoke/saw each other...
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Post by stu on Sept 16, 2019 7:15:44 GMT
I would just focus on your own life and get in the mindset of moving on, I am in the same exact position with an FA I was seeing recently. One month of radio silence. Longest deactivation since I've known her. Nothing you did triggered it. You will never act perfectly all the time. Whatever someone says as a reason is more often then not an excuse for the real underlying reason, which is not being able to be too close, fear of intimacy, and engulfment. Nothing to do with you personally. Just like my situation it will never work unless the FA is self aware and actively working on themselves to get better. If not they will always repeat the same cycles sometime or another. And you'll be caught in the middle and dragged through unnecessary strife. Take this time to really re asses what you are looking for and building your self esteem and boundaries, so the next time they possibly reach out you get less swayed by the unstable attachment we build with these partners (an insecure not getting help). Nothing wrong with having an insecure attachment but an insecure not working on themselves and wanting to work on their relationships it's not the kind of person you want to be heavily invested in.
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Post by kranichangel on Sept 16, 2019 9:30:15 GMT
I would just focus on your own life and get in the mindset of moving on, I am in the same exact position with an FA I was seeing recently. One month of radio silence. Longest deactivation since I've known her. Nothing you did triggered it. You will never act perfectly all the time. Whatever someone says as a reason is more often then not an excuse for the real underlying reason, which is not being able to be too close, fear of intimacy, and engulfment. Nothing to do with you personally. Just like my situation it will never work unless the FA is self aware and actively working on themselves to get better. If not they will always repeat the same cycles sometime or another. And you'll be caught in the middle and dragged through unnecessary strife. Take this time to really re asses what you are looking for and building your self esteem and boundaries, so the next time they possibly reach out you get less swayed by the unstable attachment we build with these partners (an insecure not getting help). Nothing wrong with having an insecure attachment but an insecure not working on themselves and wanting to work on their relationships it's not the kind of person you want to be heavily invested in. I completely agree. So often on this forum (and I have been reading regularly for over a year), we find one person (usually the more anxiously attached one) trying to bend and pretzel into the "perfect partner" and seeking out how to become secure, for the sake of bettering their relationship with their avoidant partner or ex. Of course, it is wonderful to embark on the journey on looking into our own attachment wounds, and becoming more secure for ourselves. It just seems, for the anxious party, they think if they just act in an ideal way, if they could just understand what their avoidant partner really wants to say or what his true intentions are, and mold their actions to fit that and not scare them away even more, then it could work out. I think the most important thing we forget is, that we need to have a very honest look at ourselves and ask ourselves: are my actions still authentic? Am I still acting in accordance to MY needs and wants in this connection? Or am I giving up that part of my self to some extent out of fear of scaring my partner away? Do I allow myself to fully FEEL what I truly feel underneath all that "trying to keep it together for the sake of the connection", or am I suppressing and stuffing down what I truly want and need out of fear my partner may not be able to meet me there and this connection would inevitably end because the things we want, need and are capable of, just don't match? I understand it can be scary to look at it this way. But those are important things to ask yourself I believe: does this silence and time of withdrawal, with no security of knowing when he will come back and IF he will come back, allow me to fully and authentically be and express myself in this relationship or situationship? Or am I bending myself backwards in an attempt to create as little "drama" as possible, silently suffering and enduring things that actually feel horrible to me? Because I am too scared to recognise that perhaps, my most fundamental needs are not being met and I am scared to admit that and potentially risk losing the other person, who was actually never even fully "mine" to begin with? Who perhaps has a completely different outlook on this connection than I do, but it might not fit with the story I tell myself and want to believe? Just some thoughts... |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2019 10:20:35 GMT
You and your behavior is only a catalyst. He didn't leave because you.
There's no magic spell and awareness doesn't equal knowledge. Telling someone insecure about the attachment theory can work only if they're already looking for answers. Isn't how we all came here?
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Post by stu on Sept 17, 2019 4:18:48 GMT
I still don't understand the full blown ghosting, even if you write encouring and supporting things. Or just ask for a one word response to know what's going on during a deactivation. To me I struggle to see how it is so difficult to have even a short and basic response as a heads up or acknowledgement. It feels blantely rude to be straight up ignored without any kind of response. Especially when you've been there a lot for the person and been really good to them. And out of nowhere you are given the silent treatment. I would think people only do that when they really hate someone , or to escape an abusive person.
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Post by sunkissed123 on Sept 17, 2019 5:22:24 GMT
stu, could not agree more w/ your ghosting comment. It's horrid.....
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Post by anne12 on Sept 17, 2019 5:33:54 GMT
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Post by stu on Sept 17, 2019 5:49:34 GMT
Jesus, that's awful. I had no idea people that are FA are so vulnerable to the full spectrum of all of that. It makes me feel a lot of compassion for the pain, and empathy for what they are going through. But man it still sucks to be unwarrantedly on the receiving end of the unresolved traumas reliving itself. I always try to engage my heart and speak vulnerably and honestly to cut through everything else. But in cases like that I understand how I'm not being heard correctly. Best to do is walk away until they are getting proper help I suppose. Don't want to keep triggering someone who isn't there yet, that's for sure. |
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Post by anne12 on Sept 17, 2019 6:19:27 GMT
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Post by stu on Sept 17, 2019 6:29:00 GMT
Well we can all act out from our instinktive survival level from time to time (fight, flight, freeze) You can check out for more in the general forum - the healing xxxx threads for examble - and also in other threads on the forum from different participants. I understand I'll check it out. Does the extended periods of ghosting a prolonged period of low road only associated with one person then? That's what confuses me About it. In that it only seems directed to me and other wise they are fine, and getting along great with others. At least apperances wise. And for an emotional response to last weeks or even over a month seems extreme to me .unless itss just a prolonged feeling of lack of safety regarding who an FA deactivated from? I'm just trying to get more of an understanding around that aspect of it. |
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Post by anne12 on Sept 17, 2019 6:42:34 GMT
I haven't read the whole thread. We can act differently with different people.
But if you are the person's partner, then you are the one who comes closest to the memories of mom and dad or other caregivers.
When we are attracted to someone/when we fall in love with someone, it is our old part of our brain that is in control. The love template sits in the old part/reptile/limpic brain. That part of your brain can not distinguish between the past and the here and now. So you think like "oh, here comes mom and dad, isn't this just great" because it's familiar.
I think it depends on how much trauma energy the person has in their nerveussystem - the more trauma, the more/bigger the trauma whirl wind is.
You can maybe try to think of a hurricane?
Think of a hurricane. The bigger/stronger the hurricane is, the longer time it can take to come out of it.
Of course depending on your own attatchment style you can also trigger the person more or less.
Also you can try to read the posts from people with some FA style about their own experiences.
If you are the person's partner, then you can also try to think about, what it is about yourself, that makes you fall in love with someone who has got some fa/desorganised attatchment style ?
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Post by stu on Sept 17, 2019 6:56:32 GMT
I haven't read the whole thread. We can act differently with different people. But if you are the person's partner, then you are the one who comes closest to the memories of mom and dad or other caregivers. I think it depends on how much trauma energy the person has in their nerveussystem - the more trauma, the more/bigger the trauma whirl wind is. You can maybe try to think of a hurricane? Think of a hurricane. The bigger/stronger the hurricane is, the longer time it can take to come out of it. Of course depending on your own attatchment style you can also trigger the person more or less. Also you can try to read the posts from people with some FA style about their own experiences. If you are the person's partner, then you can also try to think about, what it is about yourself, that makes you fall in love with someone who has got some fa/desorganised attatchment style ? I was essientally their partner, I don't feel I did too much to trigger them worse, though I'm sure in certain ways I might have still. Because even if I'm mostly secure I still never act perfectly all the time. Nowhere as AP as I used to be though. I fell in love with her before things spiraled to where they are now . I got to know her when her FA behaviors were much less present and I fell in love with the person beyond their attachment style. I am now having to walk away from things unless I ever hear back and they are actively working on themselves. It's been over a month since they even spoke to me. Despite me also reaching out several times. Longest I ever went without seeing her or hearing from them in the year I knew her. We had moments before but there were real issues that came up, I acted way more AP, she seemed way more triggered and even then the gap of time was much shorter. We finally got very close before this happened and I believe that itself was the trigger. It sucks I don't want to leave her because of it. But she basically already decided that on her own anyways and isn't giving me any other choice. I wanted to work on things with her and support her through it. And before the de activation she said she wanted the same exact thing. And is self aware about it and was trying to get help . But here we are all the same, heart breaking stuff haha. |
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Post by anne12 on Sept 17, 2019 7:07:05 GMT
If you are more secure, then things can calm down for the FA and then there is more room for the trauma whirl wind to make noise.
Also when we are 1 - 2 years in the relationship and we are perceiving the partner as parmanent our attatchment kicks in and our attatchment style patterns can show up.
Also in my opinion, you can not really know if you are earned secure enough before you have been in a relationship for more than two years - when the honeymoon fase is over.
A lot of people are having trouble recieving love.
I am talking in general terms.
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