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Post by tnr9 on Sept 19, 2019 9:12:21 GMT
For me, I found that accepting that the silences and stonewalling were a result of ``unavoidable dissociation'' served to maintain relationship stability for a very long time, but only up to a point. ``Relationship stability'' in this context was hot and cold cycles, with the cold cycles being a couple of days here and there, rather than weeks or months. The problems for me came when those same strategies were used to express and deal with conflict. Its hard at first to know the difference, then I became more certain, then I realized he used these strategies as a hurtful power play when what he wanted was unreasonable, or as a substitute for expressing what he wanted (ie avoiding being vulnerable). This escalated quickly into verbal abuse as well. Stu and Alexandra, did you experience this stonewalling and silent treatment as the default conflict resolution strategy as well? I found it uneccessarily painful and intolerable, and it drew out conflicts way longer than necessary. B did not deal well with conflict and would often resort to drinking in order to have difficult conversations. I don’t know about his latest relationship, but he would drink pretty often while he was seeing me. One of the challenges I have at the moment is to see his drinking as something about him versus something about me. It is too easy for me to go into thoughts that in his new relationship he is able to be vulnerable in a way he could not be with me...and that just makes me feel sad. |
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Post by stu on Sept 19, 2019 15:17:32 GMT
For me, I found that accepting that the silences and stonewalling were a result of ``unavoidable dissociation'' served to maintain relationship stability for a very long time, but only up to a point. ``Relationship stability'' in this context was hot and cold cycles, with the cold cycles being a couple of days here and there, rather than weeks or months. The problems for me came when those same strategies were used to express and deal with conflict. Its hard at first to know the difference, then I became more certain, then I realized he used these strategies as a hurtful power play when what he wanted was unreasonable, or as a substitute for expressing what he wanted (ie avoiding being vulnerable). This escalated quickly into verbal abuse as well. Stu and Alexandra, did you experience this stonewalling and silent treatment as the default conflict resolution strategy as well? I found it uneccessarily painful and intolerable, and it drew out conflicts way longer than necessary. B did not deal well with conflict and would often resort to drinking in order to have difficult conversations. I don’t know about his latest relationship, but he would drink pretty often while he was seeing me. One of the challenges I have at the moment is to see his drinking as something about him versus something about me. It is too easy for me to go into thoughts that in his new relationship he is able to be vulnerable in a way he could not be with me...and that just makes me feel sad. No way, someone doesn't just magically get over their issues without working on themsleves. I garunteee you however that relationship looks on the outside or on social media, the same issues will always rear up their head if it hasn't been addressed at all. I had an ex with a lot of issues, never worked on them. Got into a new relationship which imploded just like lur pevious one because she thought it was the other person causing her to react poorly. Never taking responsibility that no one is responsible for your emotions and reactions but yourself. I will admit I had my own AP tendencies at the time and we would feed off each other in a negative way too. But still all the same, that happens with any relationship. People have differences in view or some periods of conflict. Not toxic or unhealthy conflict. Just the normal day to day things that get solved by communicating and understanding. |
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Post by 8675309 on Sept 19, 2019 17:42:06 GMT
When my FA runs I just go on with my life as if hes never coming back. I delete his number out of my phone.
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Post by stu on Sept 20, 2019 3:02:19 GMT
When my FA runs I just go on with my life as if hes never coming back. I delete his number out of my phone. Are you still regularly seeing them in an intimate way? That would just make me feel like I'm having a shitty break up multiple times, and go through a grieving process repeatedly . At least that's what it's been for me the last couple times. |
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Post by serenity on Sept 20, 2019 5:19:22 GMT
Same. I believe 8675309 is polyarmous, thats what I read on the forums. I'm not wired that way, but see how that lifestyle would support someone dealing with the flakiness of FA behaviour. I bet the random multiple breakups still hurt every time though  |
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Post by stu on Sept 20, 2019 5:55:55 GMT
Same. I believe 8675309 is polyarmous, thats what I read on the forums. I'm not wired that way, but see how that lifestyle would support someone dealing with the flakiness of FA behaviour. I bet the random multiple breakups still hurt every time though I tried to transition my thoughts about the FA to just making it more of a casual thing. If it continued, but of course being open with them about it too. I can see how it could help be a bit less attached to see other people and not invest so much emotionally and the rest in one person. But it's hard for me to do that, at least at this point. I imagine a polyamouras relationship would be much more intense and imtimate then that though. So would still hurt more. Just never experienced it myself. |
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Post by serenity on Sept 20, 2019 6:02:18 GMT
I tried to transition my thoughts about the FA to just making it more of a casual thing. If it continued, but of course being open with them about it too. I can see how it could help be a bit less attached to see other people and not invest so much emotionally and the rest in one person. But it's hard for me to do that, at least at this point. I imagine a polyamouras relationship would be much more intense and imtimate then that though. So would still hurt more. Just never experienced it myself. Exactly. I don't think FA's have the communication skills to make polyamoury work without hurting a lot of people. Poly stuff done properly requires a lot of negotiation, and talking about boundaries and feelings. The way FA's do it is irresponsible and self serving IMO. I can see how a partner would find solice in getting their needs met elsewhere though. Since relationships with FA's are very low quality, with some moments of great connection that can feel worthwhile. |
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Post by stu on Sept 20, 2019 6:54:25 GMT
I tried to transition my thoughts about the FA to just making it more of a casual thing. If it continued, but of course being open with them about it too. I can see how it could help be a bit less attached to see other people and not invest so much emotionally and the rest in one person. But it's hard for me to do that, at least at this point. I imagine a polyamouras relationship would be much more intense and imtimate then that though. So would still hurt more. Just never experienced it myself. Exactly. I don't think FA's have the communication skills to make polyamoury work without hurting a lot of people. Poly stuff done properly requires a lot of negotiation, and talking about boundaries and feelings. The way FA's do it is irresponsible and self serving IMO. I can see how a partner would find solice in getting their needs met elsewhere though. Since relationships with FA's are very low quality, with some moments of great connection that can feel worthwhile. As in cheating ? Even with de activation if I knew the FA I was seeing is being with other people during these periods I would be completely done and not taking things seriously anymore. I don't see how anyone could take someone seriously or want a relationship with them, if they are doing that. Obviously the same for cheating. I just can't personally invest emotionally and fall for more then one person at a time. |
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Post by 8675309 on Sept 20, 2019 7:09:45 GMT
I cut off the romantic stuff a long time ago, we are just friends now. Its just what I did when he left, I left him alone. Sure it hurt when he left but you dont chase what wants to run.
I cant do casual with him either, he doesnt want as much sex as I do and hang out only every few months. If I go casual with someone Im going to do it with one that meets my sexual needs. He wont.
Im not polyarmous at all, not sure where that came from. LOL
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Post by serenity on Sept 20, 2019 7:44:53 GMT
Sorry ! One of your posts
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I was this way years ago but Im open now.I also think part of it was I just didnt meet one I really wanted to go there with as well.''
I was this way years ago but Im open now, I did much self reflection on this years back.
I was a serial monogamous FWB dater for at least a decade. I just wasnt ready for all of it. I also think part of it was I just didnt meet one I really wanted to go there with as well.
Sorry i misunderstood. Thought that meant poly when you said ``open''.
FWB is basically the same thing IMO, in that theres no monogamy, but FWB has no committment, just people trying to get sex without caring about the human element or feelings.
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Post by 8675309 on Sept 20, 2019 9:33:13 GMT
Sorry ! One of your posts `` I was this way years ago but Im open now.I also think part of it was I just didnt meet one I really wanted to go there with as well.'' I was this way years ago but Im open now, I did much self reflection on this years back. I was a serial monogamous FWB dater for at least a decade. I just wasnt ready for all of it. I also think part of it was I just didnt meet one I really wanted to go there with as well. Sorry i misunderstood. Thought that meant poly when you said ``open''. FWB is basically the same thing IMO, in that theres no monogamy, but FWB has no committment, just people trying to get sex without caring about the human element or feelings. Open to being committed. Above was me in my late 20's/early 30's. I came out of a bad relationship mid 20's and took time to heal and put my life back together, I wasn't ready for something serious.
I actually had the caring and a real connection with my FWB. It was more than sex for us even though it was not a committed relationship. We knew what it was and all cards were laid on the table. We both got what we needed at that time in our life. Not being committed doesn't mean something is not real, caring, etc between people. We had complete open communication and talked about anything and everything. I had two in those years and both lasted 1+ years. Both of them were in a put life back together period too. We were weekend boyfriend/girlfriends. haha. We are still friendly to this day.
I was not having sex with others and I dont think they were either.
Just people trying to get sex without anything else is just hook up sex not a FWB/casual, to me anyways.
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Post by serenity on Sept 21, 2019 1:41:16 GMT
Thats understandable 8675309. The kind of guys who have proposed FWB to me were the jealous kinds who wanted to sleep around, but have women stay faithful to them. I called guys out on this, and said straight up if we're not monogamous, then I'm not being faithful either. This made them reconsider. I guess i just like relationship terms to be clear and fair rather than murky. Its understandable that for FA's FWB would feel more workable for them.
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Post by 8675309 on Sept 24, 2019 13:50:17 GMT
Thats understandable 8675309. The kind of guys who have proposed FWB to me were the jealous kinds who wanted to sleep around, but have women stay faithful to them. I called guys out on this, and said straight up if we're not monogamous, then I'm not being faithful either. This made them reconsider. I guess i just like relationship terms to be clear and fair rather than murky. Its understandable that for FA's FWB would feel more workable for them. Yeah, thats BS if you cant be with others and they can! Not how it works! LOL. All cards need to be laid out. My two guys were secures, we were just in a period of self focus but still had needs. |
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