Can FA's also push their family members away

Meh. I think a lot of responsibility gets avoided here on this forum, by blaming people for attaching anxiously based on the naturally traumatic , dismissive, or abusive  way their partners behave. And then they get stuck (sometimes for years) trying to correct themselves and trying to be the perfect, non triggered, numb creatures their loved ones need as enabling sources, instead of realising its okay to reject hurtful people for their deeply hurtful behaviors.

Right, but if you aren't aware of your insecure attachment style, you repeat the same decisions over and over because it's what your feelings are overwhelmingly telling you to do, but because those are driven subconsciously, you think you're making your own decisions yet you're actually on auto-pilot. You often choose similar partners (other insecures) and dating is chaotic from a long-term view.

My thought patterns literally changed overnight, after a couple years of work. It was interesting, because I stopped knowing how I'd respond to most things -- I was finally really assessing situations and tapping into what I wanted to do either without being pushed by my emotions or by being able to question and connect to what they were really telling me before making decisions.

I couldn't do that when I had an insecure attachment style. Everything was underlying fear of abandonment. I don't think it's an excuse to avoid responsibility while unaware. You're stuck in the confines of a system you don't even know exists, and you don't actually understand what taking responsibility even means. Sounds weird, but it can be such a foreign concept, for example, for an AP to self-regulate and not expect others to tend to their emotions the way they do for others. I thought everyone in the world thought that way! Once aware, then choosing to stay in hurtful situations and still focusing on the partner is a distraction... not everyone makes the decision to do the work from there.

Exactly; without awareness most people (including what we are calling `secures' ) choose partners who resemble early childhood imprints of their care givers. And what a shitty deal you get if your care givers mistreated or abused you, and you are naturally attracted to similar people.

However, what if you know you have this vulnerability, and consciously choose not to stand for abusive behaviour and look for secure people instead? And what if some of those seemingly secure people backflip and become abusive when you are in love with them, and will not respond to communication and conflict resolution? My own choice was to end the relationship at the first sign of abuse, no matter how abandoned and in love I felt. I just think conscious decision making has felt a lot more powerful to me than allowing myself to believe that its all out of my control unless I change my triggers and love feelings.





 

I read your story before and it was very intense. So raw and not filtered when you talked about all of it. Just out of my own curiousity too. As an FA when you ghost someone during a de activation or the like. What is going on in your mind about all of it? If you've had that particular experience before.

Depending on the circumstances, suffocation, repulsion or both. happyidiot explained it well. It takes everything sometimes to be consistent. 

I've been on this board for a couple of years and I see the same patterns, just with different details. I'll say the same as I've said previously - and I'm no sage.... It takes two to tango. Most secure people wouldn't be putting up with FA behaviour long term, so I'd be looking at why you're prepared to continue. "Ghosting" is a part of the cycle. Hopefully, you can see the cycle for what it is, two insecurely attached people playing out a pattern. This pattern is seemingly the most common on this board. If you haven't read the "Bad Boyfriends" book, I suggest you do. I got a real insight.

Thanks Mrob, I see it for what it is. I just don't see too many examples of it changing for the better by being secure as possible and sticking around longer term. My wanting to continue would just be on intution if it felt like the FA was really wanting to improve things going on for them, as I did the same for me. If it felt like they were in a certain good spot of coming toward recovery. So they could get a better handle on not acting out all the impulses the attachment fears say to do ,every time.

I guess it's hard to figure all that out without talking about everything and a lot of action on both ends. It is easier to walk too. Which is what I'm doing now, I just wondered what would it take if things did ever start up again because it was something we both wanted. To actually work well and be something where we both become better and more grown people as a result. I will check out the book too , thanks. Read his other book but not that particular one.